(The consequences of using the term Booger Head. That is our word.)

Have you ever noticed that, when news sources actually get the point, it is an event? Some pundit, or parody of one, gets more than one solid point across in an interview, and the interviewee is declared “owned,” and political commentators and bloggers alike begin to publicly ponder why said new possession hasn’t yet fell on his sword from a thirty story building out of shame yet. It’s a real post-burrito circus, and kind of embarrassing for us as a country when we have to be shocked that one of our citizens said something smart on the tee-vee, so I’m pretty stoked Huffington Post wore a blindfold to the bazooka accuracy contest today.

Joseph Gullotta [mob] told two of his students, ages 9 and 10, to settle an argument with a classroom fight… [heh, one of those kids is really happy with that call]  One of the students suffered a cut lip, and the other sustained a bruised and swollen head during the Jan. 28 incident at P.S. 65 in the Ozone Park neighborhood… [blah blah blah, reading reading reading] After the boys began fighting, prosecutors said, Gullotta told a third student to close the classroom door… [Yes, yes, and...?] Gullotta then instructed the other students to back up to give the boys room to fight, prosecutors said. When Gullotta sent one of the boys to the school nurse two periods later, authorities said, he told him to lie and say he was hurt by bumping into another student while trying to pick up a pencil from the floor. [Yeah, more deception, but...] Authorities said they learned about what happened after one of the boys’ parents overheard him talking about it. [fair enough, keep reading] Gullotta and Abraham Fox, a teacher’s aide who prosecutors say witnessed the incident, are charged with two counts of endangering the welfare of a child, a misdemeanor. [You mean there's a law?] If convicted, each faces a maximum one year in jail.

Whoa! Reign that journalistic wild horse and buggy in! We’re jumping right to sentencing? Isn’t there a crucial component missing here? Like, did it work? Did the boys bro-hug it out after, stop at the cafeteria for some chocolate milk to talk it out? Can we stop children from bickering over Ghostbusters lunch pails and Velcro sneakers by making them beat the Christ out of each other? “The second rule of fourth grade is: no shirts, no shoes, no slap bracelets, cuz those things sting something awful.”

We see this kind of thing all the time when innovators come onto the scene, and Huffington Post is perpetuating it by jumping straight to sentencing without mentioning the outcome. Can you imagine if The Marinara Times or Track Suit Quarterly published a headline like, “Galileo Sentenced To House Arrest For Bullshit Heliocentric Theory,” and no scientists followed up? This is not to mention that the article also mentions nothing about the cause of the disagreement, which can sometimes be equally as important as the “whose blood is that” stage. Just saying, this Gullotta guy might be on to something with his Irish countryside meets gladiator concept of middle school justice. It took the entirety of The Quiet Man for John Wayne to work up the balls to hit his brother-in-law, but when they finally did pummel the bejesus out of each other, they ended up best friends with lovable drunken mick Barry Fitzgerald, a real Hollywood happy ending that is more than close enough to the point.

What’s needed here is a semi-controlled study, doing something similar in classrooms across the country. For instance: throw up some hidden cameras, give little Adam some bubble tape, and suggest it might be fun to stick it

Mr. Durden and Mr. King, reading and social studies, respectively

in little Caightlyn’s hair after it runs out of flavor in 20 seconds. If she doesn’t turn around and belt him on the spot, turn the desks into a boxing ring, and the row of computers into a bet analyzing pit. Teachers seem to be able to manipulate desks into any other ridiculous formation, like the Eiffel Tower for French Week, or a “Heads-Up 7-Up” conducive shape on Shut Up, Little Bastards Hangover Tuesday. My money is on Adam, because he’s bigger and less of a dweeb and pees standing up (does he pull his pants down at the urinal? Irrelevant!), but chicks get murderously angry over the stupidest shit, so this could go either way. So here, they are learning to resolve their differences without a learned, state-appointed arbitrator, who would just get in the way when fists would be so much easier, and – - bonus – - learning how to manage money at the same time.

And what if these classrooms are just a microcosm of our much larger society? Can we afford to miss the kind of opportunity that may end up benefiting all of mankind, by teaching us how to coexist? Like, how about, instead of whining and bickering over this pro-life Super Bowl ad thing, we just pit a fetus against a Clydesdale and see if a hate group or a beer company gets the spot? Or we could have Obama duke it out with the CEO of BofA for his billions in milk money. Those American bible-humpers that tried to abscond with Haitian devil-0wned children should be made to fight with the still existing parents and see who really deserves to have the kids. China’s new issue with sexual frustration causing social problems could be solved by fucking it out in public. Seemed to work for the Romans. The Gullotta Method, as we’re going to call it, has myriad applications. But yeah, throw his ass in jail for a year. That will teach him to take the ole noodle out for a walk and not scoop the poop.

“Stay tuned for “Randomly Selected Texan vs. Cartoon Cucumber” on Gullotta’s Justice! In this grudge match, each contender vows that winning with points is for pussies, and will make the mat his enemy’s burial shroud.” Ok, I’m done.