This video is… NSFW? I guess it depends if the rotund chick with the personality disorder in the next cubicle over mistakes the subject of the video for her hermaphroditic cousin and decides to narc. There’s always one. Am I right?

The first walrus to be displayed in captivity, like in a public aquarium situation, was in London in 1608, according to this weird ass encyclopedia of zoos I found. The editor of that thing must be on some serious uppers to be comfortable with the culmination of his life’s work, the purpose of which seems to be to give me some contextual historical information with which to frame an article about  a walrus that can blow himself.

Still, this means it has taken about 400 years of having idiot children poke, punch, and lick the reinforced glass of their tanks to finally say, “You know what? Fuck it. You want to watch me so badly, check out what I can do,” immediately making the dude holding the camera fume with jealousy. You can hear it in his voice, as he trembles like Michael J Fox playing Operation trying to sound calm. “I bet you like that,” the cameraman says to his female companion, which makes no god damned sense until you consider that he’s probably projecting.

What’s truly remarkable about this is the restraint of the species as a whole. How long do you think Human males would last at a zoo with a super power like that without bending over and gumming a root for the benefit of the ice-cream wielding offspring of their slavers? A couple of hours? It took these guys 400 years of suppressing the ability that is most men’s answer to the hypothetical “which super power would you choose?” question before they got comfortable enough to lay themselves some lip in front of paying customers. I’m sure the information is not new, that walruses have performed their shame in front of care-takers and scientists they really trust several times over. I’m sure these people have known of the animal’s ability, and that knowledge is buried in some scholarly paper they would never show to people like me out of fear the subject would be treated with less respect than it deserves (what, me?). But this is the first time I’ve seen a layman capture an autophilatic mammal (yeah, I made it up, call Webster’s, I’m Shakespeare, bitch) go all slobbery knob on itself on film, making the walrus’ blessing from Satan a matter of public record.

As mentioned before, as a matter of evolution, Humans are losing speed to lowlier creatures daily. Dolphins are teaching each other stunts, ants collectively get smarter the larger their swarm is. And now walruses are performing feats some men try once or twice a year like they have Anterograde Amnesia of the dick, just to make sure they haven’t developed the ability since last they tried. Really, who’s fooling who? The captive walrus who is fed daily and has people thrill to his goop gobbling, or the people paying to keep them and see them?