"I really don't know what color my eyes are because they change all the time. My eyes are like a bright crystal blue or like an icy bluish-gray, except when I'm real angry, then they're like green or hazel and, like, sometimes my eyes are a real dark turquoise with flecks of sage and cinnamon orange." SHUT UP!

Upon further reflection (less than 3 seconds, I have a brain), I realized it was the dumbest proposition since sour cream in vending machines. But for the sake of pretending to care what other people think, I gave the justifications of the 22% (!) of respondents that said that baggy pants should be made illegal (I was pleased to see that nobody that identified as atheist answered ‘yes’) a perusal.

Deep007: “Its disgusting ..and therefor INDECENT…lock em up and horsewhip em”
POWERSHAKER: “Ohhhh! You mean that thug look? Yep! It should definitely be illegal, because only punks wear their jeans like that if you ask me.”
nothingbutthetruth: “That kind of dressing is disgusting! Why don’t they design pants with the butt part cut out them.”
Godess of RaNdOmNeSs: “its very awkward!!!! i once saw a guy with his pants LITERALY at his knees…………no joke ………..he had batman boxers?!”

Yes, but what size was his dick? If you don’t know the answer to that, then how can it be illegal? Are you just taking out your frustration at not being able to identify the Batman symbol on people generally minding their own business?

The only reason anybody has for criminalizing pants is aesthetic. That is, people are dressing in a manner differently from them, and they think it is a little ugly, so forced conformity is the only answer. Some call it disrespectful. How? Disrespectful because you can’t pull it off?

This young gentleman simply has the posterior structure for this hip style.

Also, take a look at those shorts. Color- or design-wise, are they any different from a pair of madras shorts from the Old Navy? In fact, I think this fellow is wearing too much clothing. Maybe if your unreasonable societal standards didn’t smother him, he wouldn’t be forced to air out a layer on the hot summer city streets.

Frankly, I like being able to immediately tell who the idiots are as I walk down the street. Imagine if every time a guy picked your daughter up for a date, he voluntarily wore a tee shirt that said, “I am likely to physically abuse your daughter, and for that matter don’t have much in the way of future economic prospects.” That’s what saggy pants give all of us normies. If everybody dressed like everyone else, who would we point and laugh at. Fat people? Because I think we may be outnumbered sooner or later on that front.

The point is, you can’t just criminalize things because you don’t like to look at them. If that were true, all of these things would be strictly illegal:

That shirt retails for fifty bucks, speaking of things that should be illegal.

Why does a hypothetical by some deranged netizen with nothing better to do warrant a turn on Scumbag Style. Because apparently, it isn’t just a hypothetical. Last year, real actual lawmakers across the country started passing real actual laws banning baggy pants. For real. Actually. Laws that include fines of 200 to 500 dead presidents and up to a fucking year in jail. For not knowing how to operate a belt. Here’s a completely real thing from Flint, Michigan:

Not only is this terrible grammar, this is terrible oppression.

It’s a good thing our cops have unlimited budgets and resources to bust kids for not going out of their way to wear an extra layer to ensure their sense of style does not interfere with existing indecency laws.

Next on the chopping block: dancing. And we all know what that leads to. That’s right. Kevin Bacons infecting our barns.

Since polls on blogs aren’t useless at all, what do you think? Should baggy pants be illegal? Or are you not retarded?

*Update: Turns out it’s bullshit, anyway. Alert reader Mike fired over the Snopes account, which is generally considered far more trustworthy than your average white person looking to call someone a faggot. Thanks Mike!

So many awesome tributes today.

The last thing Scumbag Style wants to do is get all serious and misty-eyed, so we´ll keep this brief.

Christopher Hitchens – author, philosopher, great thinker, one of the most important primates to walk this Earth in the past century – has finally succumbed to esophageal cancer. He´s an inspiration to many of the writers here, his thoughts crudely replayed across our pages for the sake of intelligent dick jokes. The world will miss his influence, his humor, his articles and books, and his “Hitchslaps” greatly… if not now, then very soon, as he predicted.

Also, proving Hitchens entirely correct, the ugliness of your average Christian (that´s right, I said it) reared its celebratory head the moment Vanity Fair broke the news. Seriously, go check out hashtag #godisnotgreat on Twitter right now. I will wait (here´s a few for you impatients):

via @jes3ica

What a tribute! Scrumptious irony packaged in a flaky crust of pure, violent ignorance. Whilst threatening horrific violence to all who retweeted #GodIsNotGreat, Christians across the globe had no clue that God Is Not Great is the title of Hitchens´ famous book linking religion with violence and ignorance (ignorance like not knowing one of the most important books of your lifetime). Its all over Facebook and junk, too, and these are just some of the funniest, not the really creatively violent ones. Believing in God may also include the awesomeness of Hell Sandwiches and slug guns, but it definitely does not include grammar lessons in the basic package. And my goodness do the Godly like their elipses (that´s the “dot dot dot” for you religious minded).

Say, you know how atheists are always sending death threats to Christians for expressing their views? Exactly, and that´s what Hitchens was getting at. There are good men and there are dickheads, but it takes religion to make a good man be a dick on the internet.

Word

This has since been disproved, however it does reveal something startling. The way Twitter trending works, the phrase or hashtag has to evolve due to user content. It uses an algorithm that determines this, to make sure trends are kept fresh and exciting. So, while a flesh-and-blood person did not sensor #godisnotgreat (Gizmodo), the body of Twitter users actually did, by coming up with more fresh new reasons to beat your girlfriend than things to say about a venerated author and orator. Smell that? That´s the low tide of your faith in humanity, and it smells like win for one deceased hero.