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- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: Compromise Is A Four Letter Word http://t.co/V5KNn11L 1 day ago
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- Family dynamics in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles http://t.co/LI9LglV8 3 days ago
- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: Illuminti Freshness, Santic Bitches http://t.co/HerydZKD 5 days ago
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Tag Archives: turtle
Da-na-na-na And They’re Green
You know what I’ve realized? In the mind of Splinter as concerns the Ninja Turtles, not two fucks was ever given. Cracked already points out that in the original comics, Splinter only created and trained the turtles for the sole purpose of revenge acing a guy who pissed him off a long time ago. I’m not even talking about that. I’m talking about the feel good family “comedy” cartoon of our childhoods, the one that was supposed to be about ugly geek love and family friendly decapitation of machines with decidedly sharp swords. In trying to retrofit Eastman and Laird’s dark-assed story of ultraviolence into Saturday Morning camp, someone George Lucased and forgot to shoehorn in the part that shows Splinter actually gives a shit about his young padawans. Think about it. Splinter never even bothered to learn the Turtles’ names. He named them after artists whose names he already knew (which is the equivalent of naming them after the Gospels), then dressed them up like infant quadruplets in order to avoid a mildly humorous Jesse Katsopolis moment… … only this time the kids are stronger than you and trained in deadly weapons, so pissing them off is a no-go. “You. You wear blue, all the friggin’ time. Even while you sleep.” It’s like a scene from Reservoir Dogs, only a sheltered teenage mutant doesn’t know to fight back when you assign him purple for the rest of his natural life. And remember, the late Eighties was a couple of decades before Sam Jackson made an attempt at making purple bad. This is all not to mention the underlying tones of racism, considering Donatello was the black one, and black people stereotypes always look good in purple. And don’t call me your son if you have to label me with the … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Don’t Get Surgery, Get An Agent
A few months back, Scumbag Style brought to your attention a serious parenting fail involving an Indian family and their miracle spider child that could have grown up to be New Delhi’s most badass masked avenger. Barring that, she could have remained the living Hindu godthe ignorant rurals had already made her, collecting riches and fame and endless cunnilingus from her personal harem. But no! They had to go and “fix” her, further homogenizing Eurasia into the blandest place that smells like shit on Earth, and not the comic book mecca of justice and cleavage it might have been, replete with onomatopoeic violence bubbles and grappling hooks. That was all not to mention the schooling she could potentially have given those Bollywood hussies, all tryin’ to use their inhuman sexiness to distract us from the fact their evolutionarily inferior number of extremities. But the surgery was a “success,” and now other parents are feeling empowered to deprive their children of their most basic and innocent dreams. Like this mutant turtle kid in China: Dad Maimaiti Musai said: “We were told surgery wasn’t possible when he was very young so we waited. But the growth got bigger and harder and became like a turtle shell. (der SUN) You cured your son of being a Ninja fucking Turtle? Can your deranged – – nay, diseased mind possibly comprehend the implications arising from the damage you have done? I – – I… fffffuuuuh… hold on. Despite my clenched, grinding teeth of incredulous rage, I have forced myself to count to ten, and rub one out* for good, calm measure. I want to make myself perfectly clear, so there is no chance of misunderstanding. I was born in 1984. Between the ages of three and eleven or so, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were … Finish reading this sumbitch!