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Tag Archives: stupid
As Usual, I Blame White People
In doing the “research” for our last article (here), I ran across what I assumed was another drop in the fathomless diarrhea ocean that is public opinion polls run by private citizens on the internet. The “issue” at hand? “Should Sagging Your Pants Be Illegal?”At first, my answer was yes, if only to shut up those self-satisfied schmucks who think they are the only one in the universe who knows the origin of the style. “You know, the trend started in prison where men would advertise their availability for sex.” Shut up! I know! Everybody knows! Even most of the people who wear their pants that way know it.* God, you’re like those people who say, “Let there be light,” every time someone hits a friggin’ light switch. Or like hot chicks on dating sites that will never answer your PMs… Upon further reflection (less than 3 seconds, I have a brain), I realized it was the dumbest proposition since sour cream in vending machines. But for the sake of pretending to care what other people think, I gave the justifications of the 22% (!) of respondents that said that baggy pants should be made illegal (I was pleased to see that nobody that identified as atheist answered ‘yes’) a perusal. Deep007: “Its disgusting ..and therefor INDECENT…lock em up and horsewhip em” POWERSHAKER: “Ohhhh! You mean that thug look? Yep! It should definitely be illegal, because only punks wear their jeans like that if you ask me.” nothingbutthetruth: “That kind of dressing is disgusting! Why don’t they design pants with the butt part cut out them.” Godess of RaNdOmNeSs: “its very awkward!!!! i once saw a guy with his pants LITERALY at his knees…………no joke ………..he had batman boxers?!” Yes, but what size was his dick? If you don’t know … Finish reading this sumbitch!
This Man Is A Teacher
My dearest Tom Hoopes: I first encountered your work when a Catholic friend of mine pointed me toward an article in which you speak briefly about Christopher Hitchens, a great hero of mine who recently passed away. It was condescending as all get out, but it was chock full of underhanded compliments, and seemed to be relatively thoughtful. It is, of course, gratifying to see a great American champion of humanist ideals remembered fondly by members of the non-secular class, so I decided I might read some more of your work. The first article I read was entitled “Six Myths About Atheism,” and I have to say, the title excited me, because I assumed you were a man of thought, and perhaps you’d be spending your time dispelling some of the myths that are propagated amongst the religious about non-believers. The article turned out to be the epitome of those very lies: a carelessly thought out bigoted bit of blatant propaganda, a brainwashing tool to keep the hate for atheists alive among the religious. My first thought was of completely ignoring it. After all, ignorance abounds in your community, trying to change one mind in the sea of under-used brains you call a church leaves one feeling impotent and frustrated. As my beautiful wife put it, quoting someone else: “Never argue with an idiot. They´ll drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience.” On the other hand, several of my friends and readers across Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, etc. expressed concern that I said that all of your points were entirely wrong, your research was ass-on-fire, and your intentions were entirely malicious, so I decided that I might address your points and show you why you’re an untalented, proselytizing asshole. After all, even you said in your article … Finish reading this sumbitch!
No Porn???
A Classic, updated… Nothing is better than a wife that hasn’t grown so crusty, jaded, and complacent in her marriage that she can’t take a few minutes out of her busy schege to do something for her husband. A surprise dinner, a homemade card, a drink and slipper greeting, an asshole bleaching; dudes dig that shit, and it’s nice to remind him he hasn’t bought permanently into the life of ball mangling, future sapping, constant drunkitude Leah Ramini makes marriage out to be. Unfortunately (for the women at least), the more uncreative amongst the fairer sex are often left with constant sore-jaw for lack of any better ideas as to how to show their appreciation. If only there was a way to do that without actually doing anything. Enter Facebook, with a Group that firmly yanks our sacks out of the matrimonial Icy Hot with 31 ideas that allow a wife to indulge her narcissism and natural predilection toward condescension while pretending to do something sweet for her husband. Ladies, they’re all awesome, and they beat the bag out of giving that semi-annual “Relations With the Lights On” coupon he might actually grow the gumption to redeem one of these days. It’s called “31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband,” and it is even more preachy and self-serving (in a good way) than the title suggests. Contained in this set of solipsistic psalms is all the problem externalization and imagined solution outsourcing any pious Christian wife could possibly ask to put off the inevitable messy divorce for one whole month. Here’s one of my favorites: Day 1 – Lord, I pray that my husband will grow spiritually and consider his accountability before You. I pray that he will guard his heart by developing spiritual disciplines – Bible reading and study, … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Carrie Prejean’s Stranglehold on Minor Celebrity
Forever ago, to the point where most of us wonder how the American attention span is clinging to this overplayed bullshit, Carrie Prejean lost her Miss California crown, apparently because the judges had a change of heart when they couldn’t reconcile her marriage-protection morality with her brand of honesty, which allows her to win a beauty pageant with pilferred fake tits. Most of us thought about how this was happening in just one state we didn’t even live in, concerning a pageant nobody pays attention to anymore, and demanded a book be written on the subject. Radar Online reports here that “Prejean has written a book about being de-crowned as Miss California. Still Standing: The Untold Story Against Hate, Gossip and Political Attacks will hit bookstores on November 9. Carrie’s publisher tells RadarOnline.com that she wrote the book herself, and did not use a ghostwriter.” A book by a beauty pageant contestant is exactly what I want my Kindle stocked with, considering how stressful my life can be. Yes, librarian, I’ll have a bunch of four word sentences, and plenty of pictures, please. The mangled, embarassingly long title speaks volumes about what’s inside. I can think of no better use for trees, especially in California where they have so many they have to burn most of them. It’s rumored the audio book will be read by Dr. Paris Hilton.
Stop Making Good Points!
(Science never had a chance…) There are some in the right wing media suggesting the recent rash of Christian killings is a blatant attack on the United States itself (I saw it on like Megyn Kelly or something, and it looks like Geraldo will be filtering it through his mustache tonight). The idea here is that America is a Christian nation, and that killing Christians in the Middle East is some kind of retaliatory gesture for our sticking our fingers in their crazy cake for the past decade or so. That is so ridiculous, so maddeningly, infuriatingly bass-ackwards that… it has to be true. I just wish there were some way it could have been avoided… “Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law…” Shut up Jefferson, you were a Christian because we say so. It’s the only story that fits our red pen marks on history, and we’ll not have you reaching your rotting, French manicured hand out from beyond the grave to fuck with that. Bitch. Seriously, though, that is a seriously salient argument. Coming from the same channel that skipped third grade science and doesn’t know how the tides work, that display of mental prowess is nothing short of Herculean. Now follow that line of logic through, you guys. You can do it, I believe in you. If killing Christians in the Middle East is an attack on the Christian U.S… and your pet politicians keep insisting that America is indeed a Christian nation… come on, you can do it… even though a founding principal of the nation involves a clear directive to keep separate Church and State… supported by supplemental documents from nearly all of the founding fathers… the way this issue could be completely avoided is – – wait wait, … Finish reading this sumbitch!