(John McCain never should have played God.)

The bummer about the world is that it is not more like Saturday morning cartoons. Oh, wait, I spoke too soon…

[Arizona's] governor enlisted the help of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on Saturday to defend a new law cracking down on illegal immigration. (HP)

"Make moose and squirrel to produce papers."

Not listed were newly appointed aids Gargamel and Boris Badenov. It used to be, when you wanted to go full-on Snidely Whiplash with a cause, you had to grow a mustache and twist it, or rub your hands together greedily, or time your villainous laugh with a lightning storm. Now all you have to do to doctor your doom is have Sarah Palin endorse you. It’s a frigging formula at this point, a steaming cauldr0n filled with tongue of jingoism, nappy cunt hair of bigotry, and eye of plumber. Seriously, who is writing this country’s biography? Bram Stoker? Because we haven’t seen a more reliable barometer for evil since the 3rd-degree adorable face of Emperor Palpatine shuffled off of the Death Star and into our hearts.

“It’s time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say, ‘We’re all Arizonans now,’” Palin said. “And in clear unison we say, ‘Mr. President: Do your job. Secure our border.’”

They’ve stopped inviting me to the “make less sense” contests, because I studied under Lewis Carroll, but that just leaves Palin to win them all. I don’t get it, are you punishing Obama for not doing his job by doing it yourself, in the worst way ever? Are you suggesting that the most blatant, government sponsored racial profiling since the 1960s is our first black president’s fault? That’s kind of like a mother spanking her son because she spilled some milk, and then spanking the child again for making her have to spank the kid in the first place.

What is clear is that she is now directing our make-believe time, like the most boring episode of Sesame Street ever. “Hey kids, let’s pretend we’re from an unforgiving tract of retired old people and sand. You know what that color is? Sepia!” You will not commandeer my imagination, you Redbook cover-honky. Not unless its the one where I fuck the republican right the hell out of your eskimo pie.

The former Alaska governor appeared with Brewer at a brief news conference on Saturday. The event launched a website that…  includes a list of politicians and organizations calling for the boycotts and asks visitors to call or e-mail to “let them know that you support Arizona.”

Permit me an aside: I went to a public high school in the wake of Columbine and similar, less marketable tragedies. In that paranoid, punchy atmosphere, lists of any kind were as strictly forbidden as planned pregnancies and names ending in “illo” or “ez” on the honors rosters. It didn’t matter what the list concerned: guests for a birthday party, the principal roles in the school play, or, in the foreboding shadows under the stairs, participants in a Dungeons and Dragons game. If your name was on a list, you might as well have been earmarked for swiss-cheesing by a semi-automatic owned by  the father of some black nail-polished pizza face in a black coat. It may have been an extreme, sweeping measure, but to the school’s credit, the bullies that were getting laid in high school lived on to become the heroin addicts and gym teachers they are today.

I submit to you that my semi-urban, afterthought of a high school, where Latino gang fights and cheerleader brawls were a guaranteed daily source of entertainment, had way more concern for safety than Sarah Palin. This is the second time the failed governor has publicly posted lists of people who find her, and the party that controls her like so much Pinocchio, as offensive as Paul Giamatti at a nude beach. I suppose we should be thankful that, in the time since the last incident, she’s grown a feeble, preemie sense of subtlety, and didn’t literally put rifle targets on the names this time. I am sure she would be just as baffled as she was last time to hear that some NRA bumpkins might take that as a cue to posse up and get some murderin’ done, even though that was exactly the result of the last list. “We just want to let those people know we support Arizona.” What is it like supporting a geographical location? Let’s make sure we are being very clear about this: Is it Arizona we are supposed to be supporting in order to keep ourselves off the kill list, or just the proclamations of an inept governor? I just want to know, because if I can’t keep hating on the Hoover Dam, I’m going to have to pick some other miracle of human engineering to shit all over on my other blog, “If You Can’t Build It In A Day, It Sucks.” Maybe the Panama Canal. Snide little conduit for maritime trade, thinks it’s such a great alternative to the overland Darien Scheme… (oh, fine)

(This is Peepshi, sushi made from peeps, and is what happened over the weekend while you were getting drunk enough to forget it was Easter. Way to let your guard down…)

We can just, like, kill these people now, right? I mean, that’s the humane thing to do. Half of these people literally have incurable mange, let’s just put them out of their itchy, bloody misery…

Jennifer Aniston is set to release her first ever perfume, presumably for young ladies that yearn to stink of clinical romantic desperation and professional leprosy. “And she insists she’s very proud of her creation, which she has dubbed Lolavie, because she’s had a say in every aspect of production.” Wow, you usually have to go to a Lewis Carroll caliber nonsense poet to come up with a name that makes less sense. It’s a thin line between idiocy and inventiveness, and Aniston has just gone from dummy to genius savant in the time it takes to decide to watch anything other than Along Came Polly. I wonder how long she sat in the chemistry lab, meticulously working out the formula for a scent that would advertise that the woman wearing it is to Angelina what a turd sandwich is to a Snickers Ice Cream Bar. Saw that humdinger of a verbal analogy on my SATs, which is pretty prophetic considering “Friends” was still on the air. (CM)

Tori Spelling is feeling the pinch now that daddy can’t nepotism her in to projects she is wildly unqualified for, and while she could comfortably coast from reality show to reality show on the laurels of people wondering how the hell cameras don’t break from focusing on her, she wants something simpler. “Showbusiness has been my life and I love doing it but I have this other side that wants to… move to a farm. It’s one of my dreams. I want to raise animals (like) chickens, goats, horses, sheep. Why not?” Because dragging ass out of bed at sunrise to do chores isn’t something your father’s interns are trained to do for you just so you can take credit. Milking horses? Shearing tractors? Do you even know what a tractor is? The very idea of farm work is so out of character, there’s no way you’d go a day without a tidily messy and demographically pleasing screw up, and – - hey, wait a minute! (CM)

Bob Dylan was all psyched to do a series of shows in China, until China happened. Turns out the government was kinda iffy on the whole 1960s counter culture movement in the U.S., and didn’t want Dylan’s hippie-dippy sensibilities screwing with their Communism. That’s alright, you can read that sentence again, I didn’t make it up. Experts say it has something to do with the thin yellow skin over there after mediocrity sufferer Bjork shouted something about freeing Tibet a couple of years ago, but that’s retarded. If you can’t make the distinction between American and Icelandic, we have some literature you can read on the can between United Nations sessions. Really, this is just the next escalation in the war China is declaring on western culture. It began with the Google thing, making sure people can’t get really good porn, and bloggers were like, “Fine, their loss,” with one hand. But now you’re booting one of our most beloved icons out? That’s like declaring sanctions, or an embargo. What’s next, our cigars? Who’s going to make our fucking toys, China? Think of the children, and let Dylan wail indistinctly and kind of annoyingly at your people! (HP)

Anybody watch Sarah Palin’s new show last week? And you weren’t bored into a coma, and you can still read? Well, for those readers still in a coma, that is your own damned fault for being so fucking from Maine. “It’s not the kind of thing that’s going to excite you guys on the East Coast, but everyone else is dying to hear stories like these,” said one of her reps. That’s OK, we have these things called books on the East Coast, we can probably find another way to kill that hour of inspirational, unwashed illiterates you plan to parade in front of a camera. I know I promised to come back on Scumbag Style the next day, with all the vitriol and anguish that unsavory woman summons from our stomachs like so much jalapeno bile, but truth be told, I passed out from it being the most boring piece of television I have ever experienced. And I only had a little more coke left, and I don’t love you guys enough to waste it on finding out that the second half was as god-awful as the first just to save you from just assuming it. But don’t worry, as HP points out, you didn’t have to be from the East Coast to hate that show so much you felt like lighting a cross on fire in it’s front yard.

(“PS: Here’s my email password so you can answer me. MooseBLAMsucka. It’s case sensitive.” It’s not.)

Sometimes collateral damage can be avoidable, like that time last fall when Superman plowed through a V of migrating mallards instead of going around them, so eager was he to get his Lamest Superhero Ever award, and tons of would-be zombies had to go without fake blood on right around HAlloween time because PETA used up the world’s supply hating on him. Poor, poor uncreative costumers! But down in Tennessee lives the ultimate manifestation of collateral damage that didn’t need to be. From the Huffpost:

Ex-Gov. Sarah Palin is scheduled to travel to Knoxville, Tennessee, next month to testify in a case regarding the 2008 hijacking of her Yahoo! email account. Mike Kernell, is charged with “stealing Palin’s identity, improperly accessing her personal e-mail account, allowing at least one other person to access it and trying to wipe from his laptop evidence of his alleged crimes.” According to the case files, Kernell is not charged with hacking into Palin’s account — he instead used publicly available information to find out the security question, which he then answered, allowing him to change the account’s password.

This guy needs to put his inventor’s hat on and bring The Dumb Bitch Countersuit. Will somebody please make this a legal precedent so we can all get on with our finger lickin’, celebrity sex tape watchin’, unapologetic escapist lives? At what point does the criminal and civil justice system yell, “Stop wasting our time, you platitudinous cunt-rocket. You lose this case because you’re borderline super-retard. In fact, I award the defendant all of your money because they will not blow it all on electronic ab jiggling belts and holistic medicines.”

You are the world’s biggest dipshit, Palin. You go out of your way to violently plunge yourself into the double headed dildo of a world of celebrity politician (ask Tiger Woods what fresh hell his life would have been if he’d had Patterson’s job), and then put sensitive shit on a Yahoo! account? That’s like dropping trough and bending over by the TKTS booth in Times Square after winning an Emmy, and wondering why your loose lumpy pucker is in the top searches on Google five minutes later. There are email services designed for corporations, celebrities, and politicians with internet security P Diddy would cream himself over, and you went for a free account on a flailing disaster of a website that hosts the cream of the internet’s fuckwaddery on a forum called Yahoo! Answers? Seriously, go check that out. It’s astoundingly mind-numbing.

Example of actual questions on Yahoo! Answers. But no, give this guy the chair for cracking the code.

Alright, you made a mistake, and one that’s only semi-retarded: returning to the previous, super-eloquent example, you have to get your face and brown starfish in the same pic for there to be any proof that it’s you. But then you went on to make your security prompt public knowledge? That’s like bending over in Times Square and writing in Sharpie on one cheek, “Sperm deposits: $2″ with an arrow pointing to your back door. And on the other cheek, writing the disclaimer, “Sorry for the increase. They got this recession on.” And then bringing criminal charges against anyone who took the offer. Seriously, somebody turn her on her side before she swallows her tongue.

The thing is, you bend over every goddamned time you open your mouth, spouting complete ignorance about the issues you champion. Like this story from last week, when everyone seemed to let the whole hand-notes thing go, but you felt the need to throw another excuse out there, in case someone wasn’t satisfied with letting you get away with another verbal diarrhea gaff without having to answer for it:

“I didn’t really had a good answer, as so often — is me,” Palin quipped at an Ohio Right to Life fundraiser Friday.

Sorry, author of that news post, but that wasn’t a quip. A quip is a quick, witty statement that employs the use of context, joke, or at least a pun, to make a point. That was, instead, classic Palin: an idiot, meaningless quote with the coordination of a penguin with its pants on backwards (thanks Dani). The fact that she moved on to say that God wrote notes on his hand in Isaiah, so she was in good company just goes to show just how deep her dumbfuckery runs, and just who is backing it up.

Kernell’s attorney, Wade Davies, argues that his client’s actions warrant nothing more than a misdemeanor charge, and that the current severity of the charges is a clear result of Sarah Palin’s celebrity status.

Misdemeanor nothing! The judge should award Kernell a regular spot on FOX News and the governorship of Alaska for having such ridiculous charges levied against him. At least this guy, the son of a Tennessee state Rep. and an actual participant in the higher education system, would probably do a better job of it than she did. Dropping one elected office to run for the highest possible is like quitting your job at the fry-alator at Burger King to apply for the President’s job, and yet she’ll still get votes come 2012 because she has all the right polarizing words written on her hand. THAT’s the definition of unnecessary collateral damage: Some poor bastard gets steam rolled so the person Alan Grayson called a “Wild Alaskan Dingbat” can have a political career that will move America’s political system from Global Laughing Stock to Mentally Challenged Prison Bitch. From the reasonable sector of American society, Kernell, we are the epitome of sympathy, Broseph. Maybe take one for the team and strap some dynamite to your person on the day Palin testifies to save the rest of the innocents from the GOP’s well-used sock puppet.

(Sean Duffy: Leave him alone, Liberal Media, because he will lumberjack your ass then celebrate by banging his hot wife. She’s had 5 kids, and the rest of you ladies are straight slackers. Also, if you look like retards for questioning his past, it gets a lot harder to slam his iffy politics.)

What qualifies a man to run for higher elected office in this country? Might as well ask what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting Real. That’s right, it’s happened:

Eighteen years later, “The Real World” now holds the distinction of being MTV’s longest-running program. It may soon hold another claim to fame If Republican Sean Duffy has his way: It would be the first reality television show to launch the career of a future member of the United States Congress. (Politics Daily)

What about The Sarah Palin Show? That one’s fun because you never know what time and channel the next episode will be on, but something ridonk is guaranteed to happen. She’s never had to run for Congress, but to be fair, why bother when you can just be President, doncha know?

So what you’re saying, Politics Daily, is that the country has officially moved to TardCon 1 and is ready to elect it’s first Congressman from the industry that brought it mobster worship, homicidal British chefs, the Paris Hilton Pooper-Scooper Hour, and ugly girls getting punched? That’s what 80% of your article implies, with more than half of the paragraphs mentioning the Real World connection. Can’t be that much worse than those that gave us Junior* and Bedtime For Bonzo though, right?

The show deals with hot-button issues… abortion, race… (“Let’s not get ghetto”)… AIDS, and, of course, sex. It also forces young people to confront people with opposing views, all the while doing so while walking the high wire of public scrutiny.

It’s worse than we thought! He got laid on the grainy green night-vision of cable television, and now he wants to be a lawmaker? Somebody hide Nancy Pelosi before he gives her an abortion! Nobody touch his Axe Body Spray, man, because he’s going to start yelling and breaking shit in the Capitol, all stabbing people with the big pointy thing on the top. And what will we do when he decides to turn the marble bathtubs into jacuzzis for his many, big haired floozies?

Duffy is the district attorney for Ashland County, where he has been elected four times. He’s also a lumberjack and a three-time 90-foot speed climb champion, an accomplished log-roller and ESPN commentator. He’s also the telegenic father of five with a pregnant wife at home. Duffy and his wife, Rachel Campos-Duffy, are both “Real World” alums.

And don’t get me started on those people’s proclivity to wear viking helmets – - wait. So you kind of buried the part about him being Captain America** between mentions of The Real World. Still married to a chick he met on a show he was on 12 years ago, with 5 1/2 kids, a successful political career, and three very disparate, respectable jobs in the private sector outside of that? A motherfucking lumberjack? Holy shit, can any president since Jefferson even begin to boast that kind of legitimacy? You’re right, he should have thought harder about becoming a C-list celebrity before mutating into the ultimate American. He should have had the forethought to see what idolizing, pandering, scandal-mongers the American public would grow into after 12 years, and how media outlets would play into it to further their own political agendas. His bad. I mean, what viable candidate has ever distorted the concept of “reality” in order to achieve political gains? – -

In a posting on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin [oh, forget I fucking said anything] promoted a fundraiser for Duffy, writing: “On this first anniversary of the stimulus, let’s send a message to the big-spenders in Washington by helping Sean Duffy unseat the author of the stimulus. Let’s put government back on our side and get to work revitalizing America!”

Calm your tits, honey, the cameras are off. Little tip, Duffy, because you have a good Irish name and you seem like a reasonable guy, despite your party affiliation: distance yourself from Palin like MTV from its namesake, because when I get rich, I am going to buy Sarah Palin. I am going to buy her, put her in a clown suit, and build her a podium, with a plaque that says, “Projectile Produce Preferred.” Next to the podium will be a refrigerator with magnetic words like “revitalize” and “Washington” and “our side” and “moose,” and no matter how the magnets are arranged she’ll have to read them in that Hitler-got-kicked-in-the-nuts idiom of hers as dinner entertainment before sleeping in the barn with the dogs. Do you really want that kind of base humanity attached to your burgeoning political career?

Duffy is running for office in Wisconsin’s 7th Congressional District, which stretches from the central to the northern counties of the Badger state.

Why are we even talking about this? He’ll shake some hooves, kiss some calves, and maybe he’ll get elected to represent Farmer Joe and his three beautiful daughters. First order of business, change the mascot from “badger” to “guido.” Demographic: everyone.

*Junior is among my favorite films, a paragon of deliciously absurd comedy, and I do not mention it to slight it, but to offer context. When Aliens land on the scorched, smelly terrain that used to be our home planet, they will find a copy, and know that we were good.

**That link is to the truly astute Worlds As Myth and it’s article on the casting of Captain America for the new film. It ignored my suggestion of Mark Valley, which is the correct answer, but it gets the link anyway. My objection is on record, and that’s enough for me.

(Pictured left and far right: two people more qualified to run a country than the one fist pumping like a shot horse having a seizure.)

If I wake up to this being a dream, I’ll be unhappy, mostly because it didn’t happen, but also because my sheets will be inordinately crusty. Whether or not you were conscious of her name, you would definitely recognize Andrea “Corky’s Three Holes” Friedman as the go to Down Syndrome actress for film and television for the last, I don’t know, 70 years? You can never tell how old those people are. Anyway, I’m not a big reader of the credits at the end of visual entertainment pieces; in fact, when I go to people’s houses I take a car key to their DVDs to enhance their pre-1960′s movie viewing experience, because the people who give a shit who it was that understudied for Fred Astaire’s dance troupe in Holiday Inn will probably wait until the end. So I didn’t realize Andrea voiced the character on Family Guy with Down Syndrome that Chris dates and realizes is a horrible person, and that also made an offhand reference to being related to Sarah Palin, who shit herself over it on the Palin Channel. Here’s what Andrea had to say about Palin’s attack on FG creator Seth MacFarlane:

My name is Andrea Fay Friedman. I was born with Down syndrome. I played the role of Ellen on the “Extra Large Medium” episode of Family Guy that was broadcast on Valentine’s day. Although they gave me red hair on the show, I am really a blonde. I also wore a red wig for my role in ” Smudge” but I was a blonde in “Life Goes On”.

Ok, not that part. I will send you a cookie by UPS if you send me your address, because I am very very proud of you for knowing your colors. Alright, so not the strongest opening, but probably easier to recover from than, “My name is Andrea Friedman and when I hold my cheeks apart I can make butt music,” and then cackling like an asthmatic cow. Or it could be a clever ploy to exaggerate just how big her family’s bicycle helmet budget is, so that this bites all the harder:

I guess former Governor Palin does not have a sense of humor. I thought the line “I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska” was very funny. In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes.

Classic burn! I believe the popular colloquialism, “You just got served by a retard,” is applicable here. I want to liquefy this moment, put it in a syringe, and shoot it straight into my bulbous mushroom cap. Sarah’s been railing about how naturally sweet and innocent people with mental handicaps are, how much hardship they endure, and she just got ownt – nay, dismantled by one. The only response available to the portion of the American public with appropriately spaced eyes is to give Sarah Palin a daily swirly and/or Clorox wedgie, the kind where you pour bleach down the underpants at the point in the wedgie when the pucker is most vulnerable. Come to think of it, a Clorox swrly would be pretty funny too. This is like getting your ass kicked on the playground by the kid in the scoliosis brace, except you’re planning a run for President in three years.

I think the word is “sarcasm”.

Shoot and a miss. No applesauce for you tonight, Andrea. Get back in your cage and think about all those vocabulary lessons we spent so much money on. In fact, Family Guy‘s brand of humor relies heavily on satire, a form of comedy Palin herself insists blankets acceptable use of the word “retard.” Of course, she either knew Rush Limbaugh’s use of it had nothing to do with parody, and just went for it anyway because she knew no one would call her out on her glaring hypocrisy a few days later in bashing Seth MacFarlane, or she didn’t know, and we don’t have to do a genetic test to find out why Trig will never be able to turn the drool faucet off.

(Spontaneous vampirism: in my top 5 “Best Possible Outcomes” of this unbelievably ludicrous scenario.)

If the President’s proposed televised bi-partisan discussion on health care reform is considered by the Republican party to be a trap, then he should maybe watch his back on this one. Cue ominous Dracula thunderclap:

Michelle Obama is making her debut appearance on Fox News this coming Saturday, on Mike Huckabee’s show ‘Huckabee.’

Don’t do it! The Republicans are currently holding the entire government hostage with a filibuster a petulant two year old could have planned, and you think it’s a good idea to send your fucking wife into their very lair? Man, I pegged you as at best sensible, but at least black enough to know that a hostage shorty can turn the tide of any gang war, but now I have no clue. You think their scruples at this point discount a possible good old fashioned lynching? Sarah Palin’s Spin Mengeles are already writing a speech about how misunderstood white supremacists are, or some excuse as to why it is only alright for Rush Limbaugh to “make an example of uppity black folk.” The best we can hope from this is they ace her on cable TV, and that is what gets you to put on the fucking warpaint and Braveheart out with your… parts… out. This isn’t an exact science, OK?

Look, the Republicans have already shown what shitty roommates they can be: voting unanimously against your proposals like the stimulus bill, and then happily taking credit when they pay off. Then they demand you do things for them, you acquiesce, and they call those same things pieces of dog shit. That’s like a 12 year old proposing to his mother he get himself a coke habit, and her agreeing, so he drops the idea because it isn’t naughty anymore. You’re at the point where a good leader would tell them to sit down with a perspiring glass of shutthefuckup juice, and instead you’re sending your wife to talk to them about… what?

The former Republican presidential candidate wooed the first lady onto Fox to talk about her childhood obesity campaign, “let’s move.”

I will put money on that being the reason for Mike “The Straitjacket” Huckabee wanting the first lady on his creatively titled FOX News program. I’ll give it forty seconds on that topic, and that only because Huckabee himself lost a whole shit-ton of weight and will probably be unable to turn down a chance to talk about how awesome he is. Then, rest assured, there will be a  lynching, though whether it will be a literal or metaphorical lynching is, as far as I can tell, up in the air. As is whether or not there will be a pregaming rape. Is this two-bird scenario where you show what a bipartisan team player you can be, as well as a good wifey, taking on all the fluff assignments, is it worth risking an appearance on FOX News? And why are all of these campaigns directed at childhood obesity? Fat adults are just as hard to look at as fat kids. Let’s go after young adult obesity, because there is nothing more infuriating than a fat college chick thinking she can get laid whenever she wants simply because she has a vagoo, except maybe the fact that she is right.

The Fox News press release indicates that the two will also discuss other topics, including what life is like at the White House.

So, Michelle, what is it really like waking up next to the antichrist in the very temple of Reagan? Do you at all feel shame that you changed the upholstery in the Lincoln Bedroom to jungle cat stripes? Is the White House refrigerator big enough to hold all of your – - let me see if I read this right – - ffffawties? Better watch how many times you refer to yourself in the first person, baby, because FOX News has (I shit you not, reader) a guy for that. From their own press release:

Much attention has been given to President Obama’s persistent use of “I” when giving speeches to sell his administration’s agenda. Is he taking responsibility — or, as his critics say, is he still in campaign mode? FoxNews.com is tracking the president’s speeches all this month and will report back after each to see whether The “I’s” Have It.

No, the “Royal fucking We’s” have it, and your ass is banished Columbus style. What, should he fake a Bob Dole seizure and forget how to use first person singular pronouns? What in the shit gave you the impression you can walk into FOX News as a progressive, black First Lady, wife of Barack Obama, and have a fair, level-headed discussion about your worthy initiative? Because they promised? “My, what big balls you have, grandma.” I say you send her in there with Bill Murray and a couple of proton packs and tell them not to worry about crossing the streams if things get ugly. If that mick fugmo O’Reilly is in the building, that’s a given. And as far as Charles In Charge is concerned, Michelle will be bringing the ugly with her, so go to towns.

(You are all going to be really disappointed when you win, and there’s nobody left to tea bag but each other.)

I have watched the so-called Tea Party grassroots movement in almost total silence for a bunch of reasons, like how incendiary it can be, or how it reminds us all of a three year-old temper tantrum. It has been so remarkable in its ability to be simultaneously volatile and fundamentally silly that I have contented myself in watching from the sidelines chuckling, but not mocking it in this forum. Nobody seems to care that, in the parlance of our modern times, tea parties are what little girls have with teddy bears and plastic flatware, so why should I rock the boat? But when something like this happens, you share. The Tea Party movement has chosen it’s next target: Captain America. It seems the FOX News darlings have forced an apology out of Marvel’s CEO for depicting a group similar to theirs as enemies of a comic book character that is distinctly pro-American. An enemy of Captain America is an enemy of America, and all that. Let’s let the news lay it out for you:

Issue 602 of the comic features Captain America investigating a right-wing anti-government militia group called “the Watchdogs”…  The protestors depicted are all white and carry signs adorned with slogans almost identical to those seen today in Tea Party rallies like “tea bag libs before they tea bag you” and “stop the socialists”… [The Falcon, Cap's black sidekick] then tells Captain America that he doesn’t think their plan will work because “I don’t exactly see a black man from Harlem fitting in with a bunch of angry white folks.”

This is so delicious it must come from a vagina. The vigilance of the Tea Party group as far as protecting America is so up it’s own ass, they had nothing to say about the fact that a picture book meant for children said “tea bag.” Tea Party participants then care about Americans, but not so much as to protect Marvel’s pubescent readership from Googling and then practicing a juvenile homo-erotic sexual act. As a member of your party, Representative Nancy “First Against the Wall” Elliott so recently pointed out, once children as young as 5th graders learn how to do something gay, they absolutely will. They will “wiggle their penis around in excrement” with the gusto of the comically neutered Cookie Vegetable Monster locked in the Keebler Tree during a forest fire. But no, an alleged caricature of you, a group of adults, should take precedence because you’re such a fragile minority now. As if you didn’t have Mommy FOX to put a Band-Aid on that thin skin and kiss it all better.

This depiction of a group of protesters must really remind you of yourselves, Tea Baggers, else why make a fuss? If this really is an accurate representation of you, then you have bigger problems than a fictional man in tights with gay little wings on his mask taking issue with you. I must assume you don’t find the idea of preemptively (because you have a real fear of them doing it to you first) sticking your tiny, hairy balls in liberals’ mouths distasteful, or you might have started your focus there. Politics is just one big game of nutsack tag to you isn’t it? Your idea of fun, Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips, is secretly or forcefully putting your balls in the mouths of other grown men. Just need to get this clear, because man, that sleepover you guys invited me to might get a little intense for me. When we were kids, we’d just fart on our friends while they slept, and we thought that was pretty badass. You sure showed  us.

This is all not to mention that you didn’t seem to notice the black character Falcon calling you a bunch of whiteys that would definitely notice if even one black man joined their ranks. Once again, if this is an accurate representation of your little mutual nut-fondling summits, you’d much rather one comic book super hero not hate you than the entire population of minorities in America. If you weren’t so behind the times that puritans would call you Nazis and throw squash at you, you’d be demanding an apology  for being portrayed as racists OR you wouldn’t be so paranoid and vain as to assume the comic had anything to do with you. Because you’re not racists. Nor do you engage in Testicle Tetris. Nor are you penciled by Luke Ross and colored by Array. You must be at least 2 of those things, otherwise why would you get your training bras in a twist?

[Marvel editor-in-chief Joe] Quesada then went on to say that Marvel would “apologize for and own up to” a series of “stupid mistakes” that led to them “accidentally identifying” one of the members of the protest group “as being a part of the Tea Party instead of a generic protest group.” He explained that they were on deadline to get the issue to the printer for publication…

Blah blah blah, and there’s and excuse and everything. I get that it’s never good to offend people when you have a business, even those people who never read comic books (it had to be brought to the group’s attention via some young republican dork) and will never be your core audience. But you don’t apologize dude! You only justify their menstrual whining when you admit you were wrong. You say you didn’t mean it, so if they don’t buy it, that’s their swollen, uncomfortable tampon, not yours. I have never heard of a time, other than our own, when someone didn’t get kicked in the vagina for demanding an apology, and we do it so much that when we finally get what we ask for, we might as well have been demanding a fertilized egg from a used condom: watery, bitter, and useless from being caught in the lambskin of free speech that was put there it wouldn’t happen. From now on, every time some righteous-ass twat-monkey that couldn’t demand a cookie from a Girl Scout for twenty bucks “calls for” an apology, I want everyone within earshot to do this: Hold up one finger, the middle one for example, to represent the 1st Amendment, then pelt the sonofabitch with Midol until the little cramp goes away. You’ll feel better almost instantly.

… I mean let’s not pretend you don’t get the extra special bouquet once a year to trade for a beej, right?

Scumbag Style wants to be your Valentine, with all the strap-on pink-sockery that entails. Yeah, that’s comin’ up fast dude, but there’s still time to pretend you didn’t forget; it’s not like lying to your wife is anything new, right? In any event: In appreciation of all of you, our minions fans, not losing your breakfasts after absorbing our daily ridiculousness, we would like to offer you some free shit. Remember when you were in middle school, and you bought perforated cardboard cards featuring your favorite cartoon of the week to school? After the jump, enjoy FREE full-sized, printable Valentines for you to hand out to all your friends. Remember to bring one for everyone in the class, or the fat kid might not forget how you tell him every day how much he disgusts you. Save the best one for the chick who is developing breasts first, though, and include a bright blue jelly bracelet in the envelope to subtly imply how she can pay you back on the bus.

Click the link to see and download more! Give ‘em out indiscriminately, like Paris Hilton and nuclear STDs.

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(Also, Chicago blues sucks, and their pizza is awful. Detroit is full of ignorant grease monkeys, Boston is a bastion for drunken micks, and San Francisco is a big queer pig pile.)

Alright, cut the shit, Obama. Personages of my ilk (sexy, but relatively unimportant) have stood by waiting for you to get your reelection so you can do the things you promised us, like gay rights, retracting the retarded illegalization of pot, forced sodomy on Bush’s puppeteer staff. But another disparaging remark about Vegas? It is one thing for doucheyer world leaders to demonize Cuba, Russia, England, Romulus, and whatever for the sake of propaganda, but Vegas is a struggling city in your own country, and it isn’t like we’re Communists.* You can take your time with the good you said you’d do, it is a black stereotype to be lazy and you have to play to the blindly adoring constituents, but don’t start doing harm a mere three years before we have to vote for you instead of Sarah “Hostess Brand Fruitcake” Palin again.

“When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don’t go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college. You prioritize. You make tough choices. It’s time your government did the same.”

Oh, you cunt rocket. This is the second fucking time in less than a year, and the fact that it was an offhand remark instead of intentionally damaging one doesn’t matter this time, considering your history. You know what the illiterate smallfolk hear when you say things like that? “My president’s go-to evil, when he really wants to reference a real issue he has with the populace, is Las Vegas. Off the top of the leader of the free world’s head, Vegas is the closest existent allegory to Satan, and I would rather suck off a Klingon** than bring my legitimate business there.”

True, the literally ignorant verbal diarrhea you spouted last year concerning Vegas was exponentially worse and cost a hard won (in the election) state and the companies that call it home — no exaggeration — millions of dollars. Demonizing corporate conventions in a specific city from the podium, calling it a taxpayer drain when, honestly, Vegas is arguably the most cost effective place to hold any event, means people will intentionally avoid the city, if only because the President of the United fucking States said to (I am also wearing an American Flag as an anal tampon. Suck it). “Profligate” is still a word, and you’re not helping to distance yourself from inflammatory and decularizing  Republican tactics like you say you want to with these kinds of statements. Companies that would normally have come to Vegas for their essential mass meetings for the right price, with no intention of using taxpayer money to gamble and see some titties, went to more expensive cities like Miami and New York instead. If the attendees philandered and partied on their own dime, behind their wives’ backs, off the clock, it would only have benefited Nevada’s economy. So, not only did last year’s scorched-earth dumbfuckery show a lack of class and leadership, it was downright uninformed, like Perez Hilton showing up at a glass art All You Can Blow fair with bells on his cock ring.

“I hope you know that during my town hall today, I wasn’t saying anything negative about Las Vegas,” Obama wrote. “I was making the simple point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country’s great destinations. I have always enjoyed my visits, look forward to visiting in a few weeks and hope folks will visit in record numbers this year.”

Too little, like the amount of midget reality shows (there will never be enough “midgets doing real people things” shows), way too fucking late. After this second statement, there is no doubt that the city that pulled its overly religious (surprised? Try living here), redneck head out of its ass to help elect you is compartmentalized in your subconscious with slavery and WW3. And by the way, what are you coming here “in a few weeks” for? Is waking up next to your monster first-old-lady getting to you (death threats on Chachi!), and you need hookers? Gonna hit up Fremont Street for the last remaining nickel slots and cheap pizza? Can’t resist the urge to see the club where Jessie Spano got naked?

Obama is expected in the city later this month to raise money for Nevada Democrats… “There’s nothing like a quick trip to Vegas in the middle of the week.”

Indeed! When you’ve got Air Force One and a staff to do all your work for you, and there’s no chance of your being violated before boarding a $600 plane flight, there’s nothing better than a lazy Wednesday in Sin City. I have no idea why the liberal parties are called elitists, it must have something to do with a decent education. And “Raising money for Nevada Democrats” is so asininely vague, my head is wrapping around it at the pace of growing ivy. How about raising the money that your wild statements have already cost Vegas, a city that 90% depends on the hospitality industry you so callously tore up like so much Randy Quaid personal check? I understand you were referring to allocation of bailout money, but that just makes you the most well-intentioned Tazmanian Devil we’ve had in office in a couple decades. Look before you leap, dude, else you’ll fuck up the whole suicide.

*I can say “we” because I’ve lived in Vegas for a year and half, which is more than enough to learn the ins, outs, and the holes that go both ways. Giggidy.
**My girlfriend and I have decided, after billions of Star Trek viewing hours, that Klingons have barbed penises like cats do, so the victim lucky recipient can’t get away without injuring their vag. I declare us correct, and Michael Dorn the man.

(Eh, we should probably just let this one go. He’s going to be real disappointed when he gets out.)

So you say you want something even more stupidly polarizing than the newly announced Ipad release? You’re tired of hearing OS idealists, whose minds will never change, fight like girls, with one side saying, “OMG new Apple product, I hope I don’t piss myself in girlish glee,” and the other saying, “So I can insert my Ipod and my Iphone, how about my Inutsack?” while lewdly grabbing their crotches?* Do you just want to scream, “Then don’t fucking buy it!”? Or, “That sounds like an electronic panty-liner with headphones!”? Well here’s something you can’t avoid, because by law you are required to watch the Super Bowl, and the big game makes everything, even Dominos and beer that tastes like piss, as important as a yearly visit to the gynecologist.

The short of it is, Focus on the Family somehow gathered the 3 mil or so it takes to advertise on CBS during the Super Bowl, and used the opportunity to get Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and his mom to talk for the duration of the ad about Focus’ pro-life message. Seems Tebow’s mother chose to give her son life in the face of some pretty tough odds, and as a result we have an guy who is over paid to play a game, so abortion is bad.  On the surface, it is a tad annoying that proselytizing is something you’d want to impose during the Super Bowl, but perfectly within the realm of allow-ability. Hey, they came up with the bones, and that seems to be enough for CBS, and therefore should be enough for the hundred bajillion people of all faiths and political ideologies that are going to be drinking heavily and getting really angry and competitive about things they see on television while watching the Super Bowl. Timothy McVeigh says, “Good idea.”

But if it were that easy, everybody could just relax, and we need to keep up our global lead on heart attacks and “having a cow.” The problem, according to the people who want the ad pulled, stems from a lack of precedent — indeed, a standing policy against — among those airing Super Bowls to allow commercial time to any political entity or advocacy group with nothing tangible to sell except their ability to whip their dicks out. They also like to throw around hyperbole and rhetoric like it’s food fight day at Tiger Woods’ sex rehab (I think I just grossed myself out). NARAL Pro-Choice America says:

Focus on the Family has an unmistakable anti-choice, anti-birth-control, anti-sex-education, anti-gay agenda. If that isn’t bad enough, its views on women are just plain insulting and dangerous. For example, its web site urges women facing an unintended pregnancy to seek “wise advice” because “the hormones and extreme emotions of pregnancy make reasonable decisions more difficult.”

Tell us how you really feel, NARAL. You’ve got the demonizing of the other side down pat, right down to the anti-buzzwords. After all “danger” is the number one cause of fear. But to truly be considered Hitler-esque, you should be more specific, like “Fetuses are taking over the banks.” And you might have to kill some bitches, though Christians already have you pegged for that. Oh, and that last bit, while probably a direct quote, was not given proper citation, so context goes the way of last night’s 3 pound burrito. No, you continue to be the spokespeople for that side of the debate. When someone on your side says, “Who died and made you advocate?” just say “Ted Kennedy.”

Read more ridiculousness after the jump.

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