(This beautiful pastoral dreamscape of a space consuming, under-functional apartment building in the middle of nowhere brought to you by the letter knucklehead.)

I ran across this double slice of crazy a while ago, and almost immediately dismissed it as that kind of crazy everyone tolerates because no one takes it seriously, like the black guy that puts on flamboyant costumes and dances while yelling at cars on the corner of Fort Apache and Sahara. Not really hurting anyone, been doing it for years, kind of comfortable like a birthmark shaped like testicles: always been there, not pretty but amusing nonetheless. Now I’m thinking that this Jacque Fresco guy and his Venus Project is less like a harmless dancing brother and more like the ginger kid throwing pennies off of bridges (What? Gingers are troubled): Probably a little crazy, and definitely dangerous. I had a nice, enjoyable little post on boobs to write today, but let’s look at this French “scientist” and his 25 year old project a little more closely first, because he is now my favorite person.

I was reintroduced to the concept of The Venus Project by a buddy of mine that is a big fan of Fresco’s. I won’t say my friend’s name because he’s the reason we’re talking about science and not the pleasanter subject of boobs, and I don’t want you throwing rocks at his loved ones. So I went back and familiarized myself with the concepts, in order that I might participate in the discussion. They seem capable of summing it up in a video lasting 1:50, so I’ll take a stab at it, and you can head over to the site later and tell me how much my being right makes you want to have my babies anally. The concept is simple: Restructure society to reflect Humanity’s advanced technological stage of development, creating a moneyless society in which robots build awesome stuff like underwater cities and other cool stuff Gene Roddenberry might have envisioned. Also, look at the pretty Photoshopped future pictures.

You just invented socialism! Don’t take that as an insult, dude. I’m on board. When can we roll up our sleeves, and how can we make it happen? Let’s do the FAQ, an ages old business dance in which promises are made, and still nobody goes home satisfied. Kind of like if grinding had a mission statement. Still, with such a simple concept, there’s got to be at least some answers, right? After the cut…

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(It is also a fact that they will steal your woman. Ask Tasha Yar [nerd reference], they’re programmed for cuckoldry too.)

You can start marinating yourself in A1 and pounding yourself with a meat mallet, because it turns out the paranoid nutbags who predicted a robot Holocaust were right. And the robots will be hungry. A recent foxnews.com article rather cavalierly states that:

“A Maryland company under contract to the Pentagon is working on a steam-powered robot that would fuel itself by gobbling up whatever organic material it can find — grass, wood, old furniture, even dead bodies.”

Hasn’t anyone in the Pentagon seen The Matrix? Why do we seem hell-bent on speeding toward the very dystopian future our most demented minds (science fiction writers) have been inventing for more than half a century?

Weeks ago, there was no reason to panic. Technology was our bitch, and we were slaves to it only in the sense that we felt lost without our Iphones if we left them on the charger all day. Now we’ve got robots that, in the absence of anything better to eat, and with an imperative to survive as strong as our own, will not hesitate to kill for sustenance. I guarantee you it will be easier for them to just consume us than construct a constly and entirely inefficient Kentucky Fried Chicken Factory. I also guarantee you that, if they don’t have tastebuds now, they will, and humans (who taste mostly like pork, don’t ask how I know) will be far more appetizing than “old furniture.” This is the most ludicrously bad idea I can imagine; one that puts us one stoner programmer mistake away from a Twighlight Zone proportioned “all u can eat buffet” ironic twist.

“It’s a good thing these Americans were so gluttonous in their heyday, Unit 407.”

“Yes, the fatty shanks make for a rich reduction.”

Submitted for your approval, Rod Serling: nom nom fucking nom.

And what happens when the Ed Wood nightmare culture we birthed into this world develops agriculture?

(I’m not a chef, but send me your corrections anyways. Also, as you can see, i ganked that first pic, from here. Don’t sue me don’t sue me don’t sue me.)