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Tag Archives: retarded
Afternoon Quickies: Oh, STFU! Edition, 4 Realz
These last couple of weeks I learned that one cannot live exclusively on the internet, that one must interact with human beings, maintain something resembling employment, and take legally mandatory vacations in Nicaragua. I shit you not. But it turns out that doesn’t really matter, because while I was gone, none of you motherfuckers did anything of any importance anyway. GOP Primaries, CISPA, John Edwards, Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor (just because they both had addiction problems doesn’t mean a non-actress can play a great one) – – it’s all just one big holding pattern because for the last two weeks the world has been utterly uninteresting. How do I know? Because instead of going out and tossing the pigskin around, you were all bitching about things nobody would ever care about otherwise: No Tards On Facebook Didn’t think mental retardation was genetic? Check out this poor kid’s mom. Brought to my attention by my buddy Cait, there’s an actually retarded petition going around, which has already gotten more than its requisite signatures, demanding Facebook not censor pictures of children with disabilities. Seems some woman posted pictures of her 7 year old son, who has Down Syndrome and is participating in his first Special Olympics, and the pics got flagged and removed. Because ignorance of how the world works never seems to stop people from throwing drooling mongo-fits. This woman must envision some poor bastard sitting behind a FB super-computer, individually investigating each of the millions of flags received every week, and making moral judgment calls on behalf of the entire corporation. And not, you know, an algorithm built into the servers that, so as to not have yeasty twats all over Facebook, just aces most of the items flagged as offensive to be on the safe side. I’m sorry, … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Gah! Put It Away (Part 2)
Part one is making its meager existence here. Soundtrack today. Thanks to Bonetti over at Unemployed Geniuses. Celebrity sex tapes can be a great time, especially when they are leaked, and the subjects don’t see it coming. We’re entertained for different reasons. We were so stoked to know that Paris Hilton was as shitty a lay as we knew in our hearts she would be. We tittered sympathetically at Tommy Lee’s massive belly rope and how it fit in the vagina we’d wanted to see for some time. We gasped in mock puritan disgust at what Martin Lawrence did to that tranny hooker – – what? You don’t have that one? Oh, snap, come over tomorrow night. We’ll have Cold Duck and pizza bagels. Ok, now I want you to mentally picture the celebrities you would not want to see in a leaked sex tape. The list is shorter than you think, once you put your mind to the task. Celebrity does strange things to tolerance levels, and morbid curiosity covers everybody else from Tori Spelling up to, say, Jon Lovitz. Now I want you to bump that list down by one. That’s right, Precious just made your maybe list, because life just hacked up what you didn’t want to know was your actual #1. A [recently filmed] sex tape featuring former professional wrestler Hulk Hogan has surfaced, according to TMZ. [Huffpost] Now you can’t stop thinking about it either. Share in my pain! I have never heard of anything more unnecessary in my entire life. The homoerotic spectacle of 1990s WWF footage has been more than plenty for anyone who found him attractive when he wasn’t ninety years old. Any chick who was in her early twenties at the time had a 70% chance of firsthand knowledge, if they … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Dollar Menu Racism
There seems to be a preponderance, among non-whites, of confusion as to how prefixes in names work vis-a-vis Irish vs. Scottish. Specifically in the arena of McDonald’s. It is not a “MacDouble,” as the black woman ahead of me in line today called it, but a “McDouble,” and so much is clearly laid out on their menu. There is no ‘a’ in “Mc.” I love the show “30 Rock,” but when Salma Hayek made such a big deal out of her favorite desert being the MacFlurry, I rankled just the slightest bit. She’s lucky she’s so hot. Some of you are not so lucky, and this seems to be happening more often than not. I don’t know if you know you’re doing it, but there is a very specific difference involved here. Ronald McDonald is Irish, man. The Irish are serving you the shitty, heat lamped foods. Think of it this way: when you are Puerto Rican and somebody cavalierly calls you Mexican, you get rather pissed off, no? And rightly so! I do not presume to equate fast food ordering with the vast cultural differences of our differing minorities, but some consideration could be employed. It’s not a coincidence that the restaraunt pimps its green milkshakes on St. Patrick’s Day, just by the way. Some apologists argue that these people should be forgiven because one of McDonalds’ menu items is called the Big Mac. How can you expect people to get it straight every time? At the very least these people can be forgiven for their conclusion. Nay, says I. First, sound out your words. Most words that have a hard ‘a’ sound say so in the word. Second, the ‘Mac’ in Big Mac is the subject of the phrase, not the prefixed racial addition. If you can’t … Finish reading this sumbitch!