Infidel.

Scumbag Style takes to religion like a fetus takes to a rusty hanger, simultaneously in a constant, frantic, claustrophobic dodge and hurling wild, vitriolic, impotent missives like Michael J. Fox at a stoning. For the most part, though, we’ve stuck to Christianity, because we’re an American ‘zine, and Christianity is the greatest threat America has faced these few decades. We don’t fuck too much with Islam, not because in the grand scheme of things it is any better – in fact it may be worse than Christianity on a global scale. Like cholera, or Africanized bees, or Kylie Minogue; we’re not denying it sucks like whoa, it just isn’t really our problem. And anyway, the way our conservative leaders have dealt with the Muslim problem since 9/11 has been hyperbolic, racist, ignorant, jingoistic, intolerant – - I’m being redundant to make a point. There is just no reason to squat over an overflowing pool of festering horse shit.

But if you’re going to be a clown, I’m not going to just leave it. Sometimes we forget, while we deal with our own Christian fuck heads, Europe’s mostly secular Western population is suffering from a massive Muslim problem. It has been happening for some time, with Muslims hitching up the early model Toyotas and heading west, swelling European populations with their own numbers, and loudly clambering for crazy laws to be passed. It’s like if a bunch of giraffes started squatting in your home and didn’t learn to eat at the table, but demanded all chicken dinners be put in the attic where they can reach it, because there are four of you and six of them. But most of us were made aware of the scope of the fucktardery by reports of the Jihad against a Danish newspaper cartoonist who published an unflattering picture of Mohammad, and a price was put on his head, and attempts were made on his life (sigh, read). Brutal shit. At least in America we can do this to Jesus:

I have worse. You´re welcome.

Ours sure ain’t the greatest nation in the world, but a country that lets you do that to one of its greatest heroes is at least worth the tanker truck of Spic n Span it needs to clean it up.

Anyway, Muslims in Europe have declared Jihad on friggin’ dogs. Dogs. Those animals humanity domesticated before we learned how to write on clay slabs about how useful these motherfuckers are. From what I can tell, the Jihad is still metaphorical, but religion routinely makes people do crazier things than declaring a Fatwa on a whole species. How many religions have convinced their entire flock to wear seriously goofy hats? Countless, is the answer. Hating on specific groups of animals in the 21st century is not out of the question.

The issue stems from the fact that dogs are unclean animals, according to Muslim tradition. Mohammed

Disgusting!

on a Monorail, what is clean to these people? Take everything out of society they think is unclean, you’ll have the contents of a surgical theater, minus all the really smart Jews. And seriously, like I tried to explain to my wife in bed the other night, “clean” is a pretty subjective term. In their homeland, they must get so much sand in their food on a routine basis that their diet must consist of 70% mud. Is that clean?

So because dogs are unclean, Muslims in The Hague, Netherlands (again with the Netherlands) are trying to outlaw them completely. Everywhere. How do you even enforce something like – - Oh, no! Holy Cutest Holocaust Ever, Batman! Right now, I imagine, the savvy amongst the Dutch population are turning their attics into soundproof kennels. Cat costumes are going like hotcakes. Their owners are bringing them into vets and paying top dollar for plastic surgery to make them look more like… I don’t know. Marmosets? Are Tasmanian Devils clean? The gas chambers don’t know the difference. I can’t stop picturing adorable little puppies, buried up to their necks in the Fiords, pelted with rocks by hooting savages. It’s haunting.

ROAR! I am of SATAN!

The furry infidels have been facing some serious adversity already, in England of all places. Not Number The Stars or Maus shit (I… only read at a fifth grade level), but easily Rosa Parks level hassles. Effing literally. Pet owners have been harassed in public parks. Blind people with guide dogs have been kicked off of buses and out of restaurants and supermarkets because another patron was Muslim, and she might get offended. Others because the bus driver was Muslim, and fuck you, that’s why. Gotta get to work? Go to Braille class? Solve important crimes with your heightened sense of touch? Win the fuck out of a staring contest? Get some new eyes, bitch. (I really don’t know what blind people do with most of their days)

My favorite part of this is that Muslims in airports across Europe are getting free passes from bomb and gun sniffing dogs. I shit you not. Sniffing dogs aren’t allowed anywhere near them because Islam says dogs are unclean. It is goddamned genius! “Um, yeah, my religion says I must face Detroit three times a day and do bong rips until I can’t stand. Also, you. Yes, you with the cans. Your shirt offends me on a spiritual level.”

What kind of person do you have to be to find this level of crazy acceptable? You can’t – you just cunting

I am the kind of person you have to be to find this acceptable.

can’t – exorcise other peoples’ lifestyles because they offend your stupid superstitions. You can’t live in a Western Democracy and tell people they can’t have dogs because, on a purely spiritual level, you think they are unclean. Physically, in the world sane people inhabit, dogs are only mildly offensive slobber machines that occasionally get uncomfortably up in your shit at your friend’s house. I know people who are more annoying than that (lookin’ at you, Aunt Carol), and yes, most of those people are dog owners, but that’s neither here nor there. You might be able to get away with that shit at home, Ahmed, but Europe’s done a pretty good job of silencing their fundie Christians, and now they have practice. Sit the fuck down.

And if you still feel you should have that ability, then you better make some damned good provisions for the people you’re inconveniencing across the continent. You fucking wear a barrel of whiskey around your neck and trudge through the Alps rescuing skiers. You hang out by wells all day and alert Ma when kids fall down them. You run around the fields herding uncooperative sheep into pens (I know, I thought of Babe too, but pigs are unclean too! You can’t win with these people!). You strap on a leash and lead blind people through London foot traffic.

I happen to have a picture of Mohammed doing just that. Come and get me, bitch.

What, do you think, are the odds the American public will learn from this? Will they recognize a corollary between Europe’s pending Muslim prohibitions, maybe realize that stifling something like gay marriage, because their version of Jesus thinks it is icky, is dangerously toxic to the very concept of Democracy, as most religious ideas are? Or will they live up to expectations and cite the Puppycaust as yet another reason to burn Korans and keep Muslims out of middle Manhattan? Leave your thoughts below.

The conspiracy thickens.

(SAY! What else could Mohammed be doing for the community while he´s busy fucking over Europe? Draw a picture and send it to Scumbag Style´s Bitch Box, and you could win a t-shirt!)

Full disclosure: This guy did all my research for me. I just brought the vitriol and 5 year-old sense of humor. Like a real journalist, he links to the relevent stories. You think I have time to read all the newspapers of entire continent I don´t inhabit?

By Ms Lori

Hey there. My name is Lori, and I am here to take you to school. Yes, darling, I know you don’t want to go to school. There is just such a glut of elitist intellectual smarty-pants propaganda floating around this country, that we could all use a little less school and a little more common Bible sense. And not only that, book-learnin’ is so hard. So I thought that, as your teacher, maybe I could pop a few blouse buttons, put my finger in my mouth, and make you hard for education.

Recent History 101

(If you know the story, you may skip this section, but I will be talking about my vagina, and it will be on the test. My vag, I mean. I dip it in red ink and leave a nice little lip hug for all my A students.)*

I’d like to introduce you to Jessica Ahlquist. A lot of you may know her from the death threats you sent her and her family. Some of you may even remember promising to rape her, mostly from the safe, cowardly anonymity of the internet. Some of you have done it in person, in public, and for that I applaud you. For those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is female, like I totally am, and she is a sixteen year old high school student from Rhode Island. And she is an atheist, so her opinion doesn’t count.

Still, Jessica is the newest champion of constitutional civil rights in the US, and many regard her as a hero. Just the excitement of her young age and her superior reasoning skills make my nips all hard. Go ahead, feel your screen. Can you feel that? I’m working on two semi-symmetrical avocado pits here.

There are some that suggest this is not a specifically Christian prayer.

Nine months ago:  As a non-believer in all fairy tales, no matter their tenacity or popularity, Jessica was particularly perturbed by a banner hanging in her public high school’s auditorium or gymnasium or whatever. The banner was very clearly a Christian prayer, albeit one with a surprisingly well-thought-out list for Santa Jesus. As a person, she felt excluded, and a little frightened. The institution responsible for her mental and social development during some very formative years not only espoused ideals a five year old child could see was bullshit, but also considered her a second class citizen. This is all not to mention that her peers are not exactly of an age where being different got you a good seat at the lunch table. When I brought my first menstrual painting in for fifth grade show and tell, I shouldn’t have been surprised when the kids took me out back at recess and pelted me with used tampons, right?

But as a citizen, Jessica knew that laws we being broken, laws in place specifically to protect people like her, and took it upon herself to see them fixed. She politely asked her school to take the offending tapestry down, in accordance with local and federal law. When they declined and told her to shut up, she sued their fat, pious asses.

The case caused a bit of a row in her Rhode Island community, one that FOX News couldn’t help but assist in rippling across the country. Dissenting opinion came in the form of angry letters, threats from fellow students and their parents, and a strongly worded letter from God on a tortilla. Still everyone basically believed she was a kind of upstart heathen on her period, and she would never win her case.

Last week:  Boy were their faces red when the judge unequivocally ruled in favor of Jessica Ahlquist, and ordered the school to burn the prayer banner as part of a wholesome Satanic ritual. By red, I mean the kind of red an old-school shit-faced Irishman’s face gets when you tell him you anally raped his sister, and she loved it. The kind of red my pussy gets when I do 7 tabs of ecstasy and am left to my own devices for a whole day. They were pissed, and rubbed the wrong way is what I mean.

Primate Behavior 201

There hasn’t been so much feces thrown since I went to the monkey habitat at the zoo and took their gestures as a personal challenge. I mean, this shit got bad. They weren’t angry at the judge for handing down the objectively, unarguably correct ruling, nor the lawyers who clearly let him know he’d be the laughing stock of the judicial gym locker room if he came back with any other verdict. They were mad at the little girl that outsmarted them.

Locally, Jessica and her family do not feel safe going to the supermarket. She’s been called evil, told she’s going to hell, that she’d be injured, raped, even killed. By followers of Christ. Her peers, marinated as they have been in their folks’ backward ass, witch-hunty philosophy as if it were their own, jeered, mocked, and threatened her, holding the same torches and pitchforks the adults carried. It got to the point this week where Jessica had to make a public plea that all the haters’ beef was with her, and could they please leave her sister alone. I don’t even have a joke for that. That’s fucking disgusting.

In the anonymous halls of the internet, people hiding behind avatars and screen names behaved with their expected grace and tact. Here’s a sampling:

“Let’s all jump that girl who did the banner #fuckthatho”
“I want to punch the girl in the face that made west take down the school prayer… #Honestly”

“hail Mary full of grace @jessicaahlquist is gonna get punched in the face”
“Fuck Jessica alquist I’ll drop anchor on her face”
“lol I wanna stick that bitch lol”
“We can make so many jokes about this dumb bitch, but who cares #thatbitchisgointohell and Satan is gonna rape her.”
“Brb ima go drown that atheist in holy water”
“”But for real somebody should jump this girl” lmao let’s do it!”
“shes not human shes garbage”
“wen the atheist dies, they believe they will become a tree, so we shld chop her down, turn her into paper then PRINT THE BIBLE ON HER.”
“May that little, evil athiest teenage girl and that judge BURN IN HELL!”
“definetly laying it down on this athiest tommorow anyone else?”
“yeah, well i want the immediate removal of all atheists from the school, how about that?”
“If this banner comes down, hell i hope the school burns down with it!”
“U little brainless idiot, hope u will be punished, you have not win sh..t! Stupid little brainless skunk!”
“Nothing bad better happen tomorrow #justsaying #fridaythe13th”
“How does it feel to be the most hated person in RI right now? Your a puke and a disgrace to the human race.”
“I hope there’s lots of banners in hell when your rotting in there you atheist fuck #TeamJesus”
“literally that bitch is insane. and the best part is she already transferred schools because shes knows someone will jump her #ahaha”
“gods going to fuck your ass with that banner you scumbag”
“I found it, what a little bitch lol I wanna snuff her”
“if I wasn’t 18 and wouldn’t go to jail I’d beat the shit out of her idk how she got away with not getting beat up yet”
“nail her to a cross”
“When I take over the world I’m going to do a holocaust to all the atheists” (Alternet)

Oh, hi. I´m Jessica. I´M SIXTEEN!

Mother fucker! I cannot say this enough, this girl is sixteen. The fact that these people have the intellect of a two year old doesn’t excuse them from basic decency and, I don’t know, not gloating about the Satan raping she’s got coming to her.  I mean, I wouldn’t mind, because that sounds like fun to me. Muscles all red and ripply, cock veins purple and hot as thousand suns, probably Hitler and Mother Teresa there to watch. But of course these people think it would be a bad thing, so screw them.

The public forum hasn’t been overly sexy for Jessica either. Outside of various circus clown pundits, her state senator suggested she was the puppet of the ACLU and that she shouldn´t be using money with “In God We Trust On It.” But Beth Moura is just an idiot. Her own representative Peter Palumbo called her an “evil little thing” on the radio. SHE’S SIXTEEN.** Forgetting the fact that this guy took an oath to uphold the Constitution and knows damned well Jessica is entirely, 100% in the right, he’s a grown man! I get it. I do. Men sometimes need to feel big and important, and statutory importance is easy pickins. He’s a big man, now that he’s broadcast to the world that a sixteen year old girl is evil. He really pulled them pigtails and took the little girl down a peg. She was pretty much asking for it, being all vulnerable and underage like she is. And that shirt! What did we expect, really? One time, when I was a kid, I suggested to my uncle he may have had a couple too many Fosters, and he proceeded to hold me down and make me taste what too many recycled Fosters tasted like in one swallow. I had it coming.

Most recently, a scheduled school board meeting or whatever was held, and while school lunches and parent prom committee are probably pretty pressing this time of year, guess what was discussed, for the entire meeting.  Yop. The immediate repeal of the court decision.  But guess who had the immense, Jolly Green balls to show up and speak.

Fuckin’ A, Jessica Ahlquist! She and a classmate took the mic and calmly, rationally explained to the standing room only crowd of adult animals parents why they were fucktards, and frankly, sore losers. How did the community react? Why, the booed and heckled the shit out of her of course. One more time, all together now, SHE IS SIXTEEN! These are adults who, it has to be said, are responsible for raising their own children (scary, no?), and they were outclassed by a couple of kids with an appropriate reading level. While Jessica cites legal precedent and logic, these grown assed proto-humans carried on like so much poked baboon.  So far all that has been proven is that omniscient, all powerful God needs rural New England bumpkins to stand up for him. (Serious props go to the superintendent for taking the mic and telling them they were acting like children)

Recess

This is really long, and I’m sure reading so much is hurting your tiny brain, so here is a picture of me with less clothes on.

Philosophy 104

A lot of the aforementioned hullaballoo was a result of the mistaken impression so many of us have adopted that in America, majority rules. The majority of the people living in the town or county or whatever are Christian, so they should be allowed to decide if an exclusionary prayer should hang in the auditorium. When I hear this bit of fuck-nuttery, I feel like I just heard a five year old tell a dead baby joke. “Where do you pick this shit up?” you want to yell at their faces, whilst shaking them with a will. “It’s not like we teach you this in school!” In fact, for more than 250 years, we have run the United States of America on the exact opposite precept of “majority rules.” Do you so misunderstand the country you love so much that you’ll kill a queer to keep him from marrying and ruining it, that you don’t even know how Democracy works?

This is why the conservative establishment rails so very hard against schooling of any kind. “Universities are evil!” they shout. “Go ahead and home school your kid so they don’t learn anything that contradicts the Bible, including social skills and monkey humpin’.” It is in their best interests to keep 95% of Americans in a real live medieval serfdom, so you don’t learn how to fucking read your own country’s founding documents. Whenever an American slave was found to have learned how to read and write, they hung his ass. Even we women were not allowed to read at certain times, because men knew it wouldn’t be long before we developed Xerox capabilities and started emailing copies of our vagoos around the office.

Constitution one-oh-fucking-one

If majority did indeed rule, slavery would never have been universally abolished. States would still be allowed to call people property, and do not be so naive to think some would not opt in. The decedents of those slaves would have their own toilets and schools and counters at the malt shops that deign to even let them through the door. When my cunt starts to smell of fish, as all cunts do from time to time, I would not be allowed to get that fixed medically. Elvis Presley records would come with labels warning parents that the content could cause cancer in children under 17. We have fail-safes in place so that the majority of people can’t straight up vote to have all second born Phillipino boys’ nutsacks sealed in tuna cans if the religious establishment suddenly decided to make you believe that is what Jesus wants.

And if you had your dumb fuck wish, and majority did in fact rule, can you at least have some bleeding forethought about it? Today you clamor that, because most of you are Christians, you can shove it in anyone else’s face that lives there. Every day. So that every day, some atheist 16 year old girl has to come to grips with the fact that a public institution she has no choice but to attend thinks of her as a second class citizen. What happens when a shit-ton of Muslims show up because, I don’t know, there’s a huge demand for falafel. Suddenly the Muslims outnumber the Christians, and the prayer banner in the auditorium praises Allah. Are you going to sit back and say, “Well shit, there’s more of them than us”? Or are you going to have kittens and yell NINE ELEVEN until the Muslims are drug out into the streets and shot just to shut your shrill ass up?

Phys-Ed

It’s a matter of rationality fellas, and I know you’re allergic to that word, but it wasn’t prayer that built the Chrysler building. It took deductive reasoning skills, and math and science, and yes, a fucking liberal arts degree in engineering. This prayer hubbub is the exact same sans-reasoning as this recent bit of cock-knockery in which extremist group Focus on the Family took the opportunity, during Tim Tebow’s last game as Jesus’ butt boy, to air an incredibly expensive advertisement that showed a bunch of good white Christian kids talking about John 3:16.

Now, putting aside the fact that no one called CPS on their asses, a commercial during that game reached 34.2 million Americans in their living rooms (a playoff record). The NFL is a family event nowadays, as evidenced by the shitty half-time shows we’ve had to endure these past decades (you think your average male NFL fan gives a crispy Christ about Britney Spears?). But when recently a few atheist billboards showed up over the highways of relatively rural butt-fuck Ohio (for example), which could only have conceivably reached 350,000 adult, licensed, supposedly reasonable Ohioans, being generous, the whole blessed country took a collective pants-dook over the in-your-face indoctrination, and they were removed.

It’s only fair that, if you should have to change for gym class, I should too.

If those kids were quoting the Qur’an as an aside to Tom Brady’s triumphant reckoning, Christians across the nation would be hootin’ and a hollerin’ about those poor kids having to parrot some silly sandy-ass superstition. If my religion said I had to jam out with my clam out at state fairs every summer, they’d call it a cult, and worse, feminism, and they’d shoot it down in a second. Literally the only conclusion that can be reached is that you believe Christians reckon higher amongst the American caste, and in every conceivable sense, that is the antithesis of American. It isn’t democratic, it isn{t legal, it isn’t fair, and it damned sure isn’t right. “Freedom of religion” does not mean that you’re welcome to choose something other than what the majority of Americans are if you’re willing to have your rights stripped away.

In other words, it is unconstifuckingtutional.

*”Lip hug” being a term coined by the lovely Danielle Hurley as a female alternative to the tea bag, so if you tell her I stole it, I will kill you in your sleep.

** Here is his phone number and email address. Let him know what a piece of shit he is.rep-palumbo@rilin.state.ri.us    (401) 785-2882

Jessica Ahlquist is indeed a hero, with speaking engagements across the bible belt and beyond, and at this year’s planned Reason Rally, pretty much opening for Tim Minchin. Hott. Concerned citizens have started a scholarship fund to help her through college, and I hope you’ll consider supporting her.

I am a fucking miracle MACHINE

This here´s the Jesus Toaster, which we think is… just great. For the pittance of 35 smackers, you too can experience the miracle of His Divine Presence in foodstuffs normally reserved for the unwashed ignorants of Central and South America´s poorer countries. Every morning! Because in no way does the ability to recreate, at will, what used to be priceless manifestations of God´s love cheapen the experience. For you bulemics, the Tim Tebow version is set to be released soon, so you won´t even have to shove a finger down your throat to stay thin and toothless all year ´round. (Christian Post)

Tenesseehas responded to teen bullying suicides by introducing a bill that would make it alright for

Gosh, thanks you guys. I´m the son of God and I need thugs beating on the girly boys for me. That makes me look great.

school children to harass homosexuals, as long as they do it for Jesus. Kind of like a birthday present for the guy who literally has everything. The idea is that not being able to call a homosexual peer a faggot in school, or tell him he´s going to hell, is an infringement on the Christian student´s first amendment rights. This is another thing Scumbag Style can throw our whole weights behind. Cast those first stones, friends, because, on religious grounds, I think you´re a hopeless pile of elephant dooks whose ignorance is poisoning the very gene pool we all have to swim in, and if you were forcefully sterilized, the Earth itself would benefit, not to mention my invisible best friend who hates you inherently. Also, you have cooties. And I will say this in front of everyone you have to spend 12 miserable years of your life with. Then we´ll see who´s shooting up with his mom´s Windex and writing a wimpy tear-stained letter. (SMV Nashville)

After last night´s frankly stunning performance by Denver franchiser and enemy of all things wholesome Tim Tebow, in which he actually did quarterbacky things, I got the following message in the Bitch Box: “Atheist, how does it feel knowing Tim Tebow won 29-23 in overtime? Does it make you realize how dumb you are? – Voted4BushTWICE” I have to say, you got me, friend. Tebow prayed a bit, and won a game. You voted for Bush twice, and I am indeed the dumb one. I mean, you could make the point that Tebow is bound to win once in a while. God aside, would Denver have made him their franchise quarterback if he wasn´t going to win a few? Do you know how many millions of dollars rest on the successes and failures of an NFL franchise? Trust me, people talk a good game about God, but ask a millionaire how many times he left his finances in the hands of prayer. Also, did the Broncos win in overtime, or did Tebow walk out there alone? Still, I guess it is not so ridiculous to think God had something to do with a moderately talented quarterback having a few lucky throws.

Like Dear Abby, but hate mail is actually encouraged here.

But Voted4BushTWICE (congrats for making it past age 22 with your handicap), I must then ask you, is that how God wins? In overtime? Barely squeaking by against an objectively immoral rapist quarterback with a wrenched ankle? Whilst ignoring hunger, famine, disease, and suffering around the world? How great is your God that he had to put all of his effort into winning one playoff game, against a team that frankly didn´t bring their A-game? Question answered. I do hope you are willing to answer my question concerning your feelings next week when my Pats kick the living shit out of Denver for the second time this year. Tom Brady is greater than God.

The inerrant, unquestionable, and perfect word of God has been “clarified” in the 2011 edition of the NIV (New International Version of the Bible, which isn´t really all that international, being written by and for your average southern American darky hater). It seems the 1984 version wasn´t nearly clear enough on just what an abomination you can make of yourself in the sack. Douglas J Moo (tee hee), who chairs the committee that dares fuck with the Big Guy´s original edicts, said it was necessary to mess with many of the big ones, including Corinthians, Romans, and Leviticus. It was necessary because it apparently isn´t clear that the “homosexual sins” and “perversions” referred to by Bronze Age egg heads means “dudes doing each other in the butt.” For it is icky unto His sight.

The updated NIV reflects the fact that the key Greek word here refers to males.

It is of amazing comfort to this observer that, no matter how the hate mill turns in our great society, we can all agree that two chicks getting it on is pleasing on a natural and supernatural level. Make with the gamahuche ladies, you just got your deific endorsement. (Christian Post)

So many awesome tributes today.

The last thing Scumbag Style wants to do is get all serious and misty-eyed, so we´ll keep this brief.

Christopher Hitchens – author, philosopher, great thinker, one of the most important primates to walk this Earth in the past century – has finally succumbed to esophageal cancer. He´s an inspiration to many of the writers here, his thoughts crudely replayed across our pages for the sake of intelligent dick jokes. The world will miss his influence, his humor, his articles and books, and his “Hitchslaps” greatly… if not now, then very soon, as he predicted.

Also, proving Hitchens entirely correct, the ugliness of your average Christian (that´s right, I said it) reared its celebratory head the moment Vanity Fair broke the news. Seriously, go check out hashtag #godisnotgreat on Twitter right now. I will wait (here´s a few for you impatients):

via @jes3ica

What a tribute! Scrumptious irony packaged in a flaky crust of pure, violent ignorance. Whilst threatening horrific violence to all who retweeted #GodIsNotGreat, Christians across the globe had no clue that God Is Not Great is the title of Hitchens´ famous book linking religion with violence and ignorance (ignorance like not knowing one of the most important books of your lifetime). Its all over Facebook and junk, too, and these are just some of the funniest, not the really creatively violent ones. Believing in God may also include the awesomeness of Hell Sandwiches and slug guns, but it definitely does not include grammar lessons in the basic package. And my goodness do the Godly like their elipses (that´s the “dot dot dot” for you religious minded).

Say, you know how atheists are always sending death threats to Christians for expressing their views? Exactly, and that´s what Hitchens was getting at. There are good men and there are dickheads, but it takes religion to make a good man be a dick on the internet.

Word

This has since been disproved, however it does reveal something startling. The way Twitter trending works, the phrase or hashtag has to evolve due to user content. It uses an algorithm that determines this, to make sure trends are kept fresh and exciting. So, while a flesh-and-blood person did not sensor #godisnotgreat (Gizmodo), the body of Twitter users actually did, by coming up with more fresh new reasons to beat your girlfriend than things to say about a venerated author and orator. Smell that? That´s the low tide of your faith in humanity, and it smells like win for one deceased hero.

This little asshole can never hang onto his nuts. I am positive this is a metaphor for something.

This Thanksgiving was to see the airing of the newest installment of Pliocene-Quarternary glacial period family entertainment, this time a holiday extravaganza titled, “Ice Age: The Quest to Sell Toys Again This Year.” Because nothing warms the yuletide diapers of kids from one to ninety-two like natural global disaster and the constant sub-conscious threat of species-wide extinction that backdrops everything Ray Romano touches.

For all I know, that shit aired, but I don’t know, for two reasons. One: because I have recently relocated to a country in which literally all cartoons are translated into Spanish. Two: Because, fuck Ice Age, that’s por que.

The core of the first movie seemed to be the unlikely fellowship of Ice Age era creatures, sporting the voices of comedians of varying talent that are living in an era directly preceding the next Ice Age. And like the meeting of these comedians, the characters (a mammoth, a saber-toothed tiger, an ugly rat thing, and something else I think) come together for basically the same reason: nothing better to do until they die. Good message for kids, I’m down.

Then somewhere in this blandly amusing pile of family tripe, something went horribly wrong. Before we discuss this, yes, I am aware that it’s a fucking cartoon, and I need to not overthink it. I am also aware that the films make a feeble attempt to cover their asses on the issue. But I invite you to think of the kids when you realize that, no matter what contrived justification the writers of this franchise use, the second movie involved saving an Eskimo baby (or something), and then the third installment had something to do with dinosaurs. All the while, you must be this tall to ride the illumination train.

Ice Age, do us a favor and stop confusing kids, you bastards. Half of the

Oh, come on, bro. This kid already looks retarded and you took him to the creation museum?

juvenile population of the US gets that kind of noise from their militant, ignorant, abusive Christian parents and teachers, and almost a century of cartoons has shown us that kids listen even more intently to goofy animated rats. Kids aren´t stupid. The first thing we teach kids is how to count, and three is the first number they get to. If they see in Ice Age 3 prehistoric mammals characters interacting with dinosaurs, and if 3 is indeed greater than 2 like the nanny taught them, then you can’t put friggin’ humans in Ice Age 2! Yes, even if the dinosaur was frozen for years or something, again, because it’s a movie for kids. Basic algebra before abstract concepts like cryogenics, a subject which most grown-ass adults can’t wrap their heads around.

But wait, they don’t stop there! I probably could have finagled a way to watch “Ice Age: You’ll Buy the DVD If Your Kid Throws a Big Enough Fit in Best Buy,” if only because I am a sucker for Christmas specials. If you’re not, there’s something severely wrong with you. I refused to put in the effort to watch this one because, right there in the be-Spanglished preview, it shows the ugly little rat character being visited by Santa Claus.

"Where I´m from, you´re extinct."

God dammit! Haven’t you done enough damage, Ice Age? It’s like you gave a lethal dose of old-timey laudanum to a blind giraffe, and gave it until it died to put together your historical timeline. A couple thousand years before the birth of Christ, a distinctly Coca-Cola Macy’s Ex-Lax Christmas icon is distributing charity and good will and figgy pudding to talking animals? For no reason? Was Santa just the neighborhood eccentric, handing out candy and happy in his relative obscurity before Jesus called him up to the big leagues? What was his justification for breaking into homes and stealing baked goods before he found religion? Seriously, if Santa existed before Jesus, and performed basically the same function as he does now, then why is a third of the world so confused about who we ought to be worshipping here?

Look, nobody forced you to pick the Ice Age. You chose a global barren wasteland as a setting to entertain children in, that’s an admittedly lumpy-ass bed you now need to sleep in. Don’t crawl into the beds of our sons and daughters and harm them in ways they won’t realize until they’re 26. Just because you ran out of ideas for good stories involving lifeless, structureless frozen desert doesn’t mean you have to take it out on the kids. One of these days, a generation is going to have to emerge that instinctively understands why mammals, people, dinosaurs, and mythical religious elves can’t exist in the same place, and you’re just pushing that day further and further back. There will, however, never be a day in which talking animals are not a good idea. If you don’t dig on talking animals, you have no imagination.