Pastor Lanza's basement, where "mock" kidnappings and "fake" rapes get that authentic touch you hear so much about.

Phew. Ok, looks like we’re going to get away with this, guys. We just need to keep our stories straight. Here’s the official story the press is going with:

Church fakes teens’ kidnapping using real gun

A southeasternPennsylvania church subjected members of a youth group to a mock kidnapping and interrogations without telling them it was staged,[in order to prepare them for future missionary work abroad]. (MSNBC)

Exactly. A “mock” kidnapping. It was “staged.” “Fake.” As long as the national media says it wasn’t real, even though we were using a real gun, and even though neither parents nor children were informed of it beforehand, everyone will just go with it. Who came up with that idea about “liberal media?” That was genius. Even MSNBC won’t publicly recognize a spade for a spade.

My wife holds them down while I hold a lit bic close enough to their eyelashes for them to smell the burning love of Christ.

Look, we’ve done this twice before, and had no problem. The only reason anyone even knows that an off duty cop and a retired Army captain kidnapped a bunch of pre-teens is because that one stupid bitch is pissed we held her little girl at real gunpoint with a bag over her head. What is the power of one indignant twat against Jesus in this country? No sweat, give it a week, and this issue will be goner than a barren woman’s husband.

“They pulled my chair out from underneath me, and then they told me to get on the ground,” she told the station. “I had my hands behind my back. They said, ‘Just do as I say, and you won’t be hurt… They heard me crying,” the girl said. “Why not right then and there tell us it was a joke, when you see me crying?”

That… might be damaging. We should have cut her tongue out when she started crying. Ah, but then we’d have to go all Titus Andronicus on her because her stupid parents taught her how to read and write, and that damned AIM taught them all to type semi-legibly. Why must it always be an uphill battle? Pastor, we’re going to need you to sling some more spin.

The pastor, John Lanza, said Friday there have been emails of support from other students at the church… “If anyone was ever uncomfortable, they would be removed” from the exercise, Lanza said, though part of the idea was to shock the students with the experience.

Perfect! This guy is so money when he’s had a couple whiskey sours.

Everything was perfectly safe! If this little girl was uncomfortable, all she had to do was express discomfort. What, crying counts? These fucking thirteen year-old girls cry at the drop of a hat. We see it all the time. “Wah wah, my boyfriend kissed Jessica Constantino! Sob sob, I have my period and I haven’t gotten used to having cramps yet! Boo hoo, the popular girls yank on my premature pubic hair in the locker room whenever I bend over!” It’s a natural state of being for these broads.

Boo hoo! I'm tied up in a strange, bare basement by ex cops!

The truth is, this has nothing to do with training pre-teens for missionary work. You know that, and I know that. I don’t believe they bought it, though, right? Outside of the few publicized cases, this kind of violence is usually directed within local communities overseas. And anyway, it doesn’t even make sense to subject kids to this kind of preparation; they won’t even be eligible to go out and witness abroad for another five or six years. We could just do this when they become adults. But really, where’s the fun in that?

If we really wanted to train these kids for missionary work, we would be constantly slamming doors in their faces. Big doors, green doors, wooden doors, doggie doors. Because that’s what they’re going to be getting most often as a missionary. No, this is about, pure, unadulterated, God-given sadism.

Listen, it was a wicked blast when we gave graphic, x-rated descriptions of Hell and Revelation, and they pissed their pants, and ate their vegetables for Jesus. We all high-fived when we got permission slips signed by parents to let us beat their kids in schools in the south. It was fun when we upped the ante and designed elaborate haunted tours and plays called Hell Houses to give the kids nightmares, and psychologically suppress any kind of personhood they might think to express when they hit puberty. Oh! Oh! And when we got people around the world to send us millions of dollars so that Mother Teresa could flick her bean watching poor kids die of AIDS? Classic!

But that shit is getting staler than Karen Santorum’s twat. Kids these days are even getting used to being raped, like the veteran prison nerd whose calamari resembles Mike Tyson’s Flesh Light, and whose jumpsuit has been tailored into a too-short orange cheerleader skirt. Like any hobby, gleefully terrifying and torturing little kids requires a steep grade of challenge, and therefore overall fulfillment.

I will never see one of these vans again without imagining a bunch of terrified little girls tied up on the floorboards in the back. But you go ahead.

We’re not barbarians. The parts of science we do accept tell us about psychology, and nerve location, and how you can use that information to temporarily cripple a six year old girl. There are other ways to torture children than to saw off their clitorises with blunt stones. Ways that the media will portray as, while perhaps a tad extreme, totally un-prosecutable, criminally. Ways with a little finesse, with plots that stink of good old world craftsmanship and a hint of modern Sharper Image ingenuity. You know, like how if you shop at Sharper Image, you’re still drinking the same old wine, but shit, did you just open that bottle with magnets? Speaking of which, for a plethora of ideas on how to torture children using only magnets (no external bruising!), visit somewhere else.

OK, let’s adjourn and hit that press conference. What are we going to say, pastor?

Lanza said he “would love to” apologize to the girl and her mother but feels he can’t until the police investigation is done. He said the church wants to keep doing the program but would make changes. “I would find a way that we could continue to keep the shock value,” he said, “but I would find a way to inform the parents (beforehand).”

Are you sure you’ve never been a politician, sir? It’s genius! Appear willing to take responsibility at some future, nebulous date, and then double down and suggest your own punishment: take some time out of your busy schedule to tone the whole operation down a bit, and get parents’ permission to bless their kids with surprise torture. When you suggest your own penalty, it keeps peoples’ minds off of sending you to federal cum-dumpster prison where you belong. You had a religious reason to do it, nobody is even thinking about arresting you. Man, but we have some great child abuse PR.

Suck it, NAMBLA.

I´m Taoist, and I practice Non-action. So hang tight and get better, cutie!

Western Christians refuse to admit it, but the idiot aphorism spouted relentlessly by bumper-sticker retards concerning atheists in foxholes has been thoroughly debunked, and they know it. So they have to come up with something else you can’t do as an atheist – - besides, of course, keep a straight face in church. A friend told me his cousin did it once, but it smacks of the whole “pink sock” story that everyone has a friend who knows somebody to whom it has happened.

Anyway, the meaningless drivel void needed filling, and the new article “No Nurse Is an Atheist” is just the caulk to do it. Author Christina Feist-Heilmeier, RN, a thirty-plus year veteran of nursing (if you’re so smart, how come you never became a doctor, huh?), posits that it is impossible to be an atheist and a nurse at the same time. Kind of like chewing gum and doing your mom from behind. Christina Hyphenation says she has known hundreds of nurses, and not one of them has been an atheist.

Perhaps it is because they’re scared shitless she’d have them killed to maintain her wildly unrealistic philosophy. Perhaps it is because she lives in Utah or Arkansas. Perhaps she’s one of those assholes that hands out fliers and tries to ‘save’ all those who don’t believe as she does, and nobody bothers discussing it with her. Speaking of which, who do you suggest a nurse pray to when she can’t find a vein, or accidentally put turkey gravy in the IV drip? (as if he didn’t smell the pew polish all over this…)

Nurses from any faith do better for themselves and for their patients by actively practicing their faith. The Muslim nurse strives to be a better Muslim. The Hindu nurse strives to be a better Hindu, etc.

Aw. That statement was so ingratiatingly accepting of brown people it could only have come from a Christian. Let me brush my teeth before they fall out, you’re so adorably progressive. “They’ll burn in hell, of course, but at least they are doing God’s work up here before they do.” That is the most loaded ‘etc.’ I have heard since Rush Limbaugh went to KFC and said, “I’ll have a salad, some corn, etc.” That ‘etc.’ means, “… but the Christian nurse has Jesus guiding her hand, so they generally save more lives. But God bless ‘em they try.” Go drink out of a bedpan, nutso.

Not to mention, Jesus is a pretty shitty doctor.

By far, my greatest role model has been Mother Teresa of Calcutta.

There you go. ‘Nuff said. Scumbag Style has covered this topic extensively already, but suffice it to say, Mother Teresa was the definition of a cunt: a sadist of epic proportions, an embezzler of charity money, and a friend of many fascist regimes. Christina the nurse is right when she says, “Her international impact continues across the world, even after her death, through the tremendous work of her Sisters of Charity,” but not in the way she imagines. If you’ve been paying attention at all, you know most of this, so I won’t say any more, except to include a personal aside.

I'm a wiccan nurse, so... you're good to wait on the moon right?

I automatically hate you if you say, “Mother Teresa of Calcutta.” As opposed to the other internationally famous celebrity nun named Teresa? We know, butt munch. The Vatican used all your charity money to pimp her to the world, along with all the stupid lies you seem to have absorbed about her. I promise, there will never be confusion if you abbreviate the name. I don’t know what the deal is here, but whatever reason these people have for tacking on the suffix ‘of Calcutta,’ have to have some ulterior motive. It may just be some chivalric pomposity, or maybe it is a placeholder for her real, unpronounceable, Indian name. Don’t worry, just because you gave her a white name for ease of the white man’s digestion, we know she was just some Mexican or whatever.

Of course, then the question has to be asked: Why disabuse these people of the lie? If you want to make the fictional Mother Teresa – the caring, selfless, nurturing, uber-nurse – your hero, well shit, there’re worse things. Captain Picard is no less a hero of mine because he is fictional – - I want to be just like him. Maybe, in our quest for ultimate truth, we miss the power of the lie. Like letting the Occupy protesters be when they imagined their Guy Fawkes masks stood for revolution and freedom and not the oppressive Catholic monarchy he actually advocated. It’s not like it’s a train we can stop, anyway, the PR is just too good. If it weren’t for all the poor sons and daughters of bitches suffering and dying needlessly in Missionaries of Charity death camps in the name of the Mother Teresa mythos, we could just chalk this up as the least odious product of revisionist history. Man, poor people can be such a pain in the ass.

Unless a nurse has a good system of coping and renewal, the emotional well-being is very much at stake.

She means going to church, by the way, not picking up a hooker on the way home from Yoga. There’s nothing so invigorating and refreshing than cramping up the knees on those dubiously padded wooden things in front of the pew.

The caring can be universal amongst many religions when everyone’s humanity and dignity are the goal.

Gosh, then I’d better get me some religion. You say any one will do? (Well, most, obviously. Everyone knows Unitarians don’t have hearts.) So, I can just choose one, and be a better nurse? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of religion? I mean, you have to believe, as a Christian, that the prayers of the Hindu nurse fall on deaf ears, right? Or does God just rake ‘em all up in one big prayer pile and listen to them all? Couldn’t I just concern myself with everyone’s humanity and dignity without resorting to mythology? My goodness, how do you wrap your mind around it all? All I know is, I love when theists talk about human dignity.

Are you done, lady? Good, because we have some retorts. Going to hang out for this?

Time for your Misogi harai enema! Hee hee

First a statistic. Infobarrel says Sweden is the most atheist country in the world, and Japan as the fifth most. Meanwhile, a Newsweek study finds Sweden to have the 3rd best quality healthcare on the planet (Japan is #1), and the United States (highly religious) to rank 26th, tied with the Czech Republic and friggin’ Chile.  Give the chart a quick looksee. You’ll find the most religious nations stacked like dead cheerleaders at the bottom.

In a predominantly atheist country, I’m going to go ahead and doubt they scoured the countryside for the dissenters to give sponge baths. Since the quality of healthcare in Sweden is considerably higher than yours, I’d put drinking money on their atheist nurses being better than you and Jesus.

There’s an excellent rebuttal, on the same nursing website, by an Air Force Captain who has the thankless job of filling the hole where there are supposedly both no atheists in foxholes or in the nursing profession. It’s wonderful and concise, and you should read it, but his closing remark is priceless:  “We atheists will fill in on Sunday morning if religious believers can at least respect us as fellow nurses.”

I leave you to study his work alone, because I wanted to show you something a little more personal. A very great friend of mine, an atheist and a nurse, had this to say:

I would say that as a nurse and an atheist that I am still able to support my patients’ spiritual health, and I view it as part of their care and recovery because I believe in holistic care. That is to say, I treat a patient’s mind, body, and spirit. It is not for me to judge a person’s belief system although I find mine constantly under scrutiny. I do not feel it is necessary for me to believe in God to understand the concept of faith. I have faith in many things one of them being myself and my abilities to take care of people. I do agree that nurses are subject to burn out and do need an outlet. For some nurses that is their faith. It is not easy to be surrounded everyday by the sick, and it is never easy to lose a patient. So some nurses may find comfort in that by believing those patients are in a better place. I also believe they are in a better place because there is no more illness for them or pain. I am also committed to having healthy outlets for my on the job stress and strain, and while my outlets may not be praying or going to church it does not mean that they are any less effective. I believe that open communication about my feelings, exercise, good nutrition, reading books I love, and being open to asking for help when I need it will keep me sane in this hectic career I have chosen for myself. Above all will be the fact that I love and am so proud to be a nurse.

Watch out, she’s probably lacing the IV with liquefied baby, a la The Matrix, so you have no choice but to be an atheist when you get better.

I am a Christian Scientist nurse. Would you care to engage in innuendo?

For the sake of our nation’s unplanted waves of fertile uteri, responsible, concerned, white, male Congressmen decided last week to selflessly put aside the debt and unemployment issues they really wanted to be talking about, and focus on what really matters: baby makin’. The problem? We are not doing enough of it, and all these rubber gadgets and magic pills are not helping. Did you know condoms are sometimes made out of the skin of sheep? What’s next? Kitten intestine lampshades? I smell an unmissable opportunity for a Hitler comparison. Let’s watch:

Sandra Fluke, a student at Georgetown Law School, was supposed to be the Democratic witness at a Congressional hearing about the Obama administration’s contraception policy. However, Darrell “Sweet Mel” Issa, the committee chair at the hearing, prevented her from speaking, while only allowing a series of men to testify about the policy. (Huffpost, more or less)

Hunny, the men are talking. Steak and BJ Day (ladies) is right around the corner. Maybe you should be loosening your jaw, or practicing char vs. warm pinkness ratio (sweet, that actually works both ways). You can throw the practice steaks to homeless people if you want, hippie. We got you that nice sheer dressing gown for V-day. You liked that right? What the hell do women of child-bearing age even know about contraception anyway? God gave us male politicians so you don’t have to hurt yourself with thinking.

Your turn, Rushizzle. Tell the bitch.

“What does it say about the college co-ed Susan Fluke [sic] who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex — what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex.” – Rush Limbaugh

Snnnnnap. Put that one in the Quotables book next to “Four Score and a Hundred Bimbos Ago.” Look, Rush wouldn’t be doing his job if he didn’t feed his brand of put-Howard-Stern-to-shame shock trutherificness. Still, a bunch of oversensitive liberal snatches had to take the bait and get all butt-hurt about some bitch they never even met.

Limbaugh then said, “ok, so she’s not a slut. She’s round-heeled.”

Oh, a Roundheel, eh? Cool it, daddy-o! You paper shaker from squaresville. Supposin´ I was to call you a cube. Now I´m all frosted. I have a mind to give you a bunch of fives!

Well, maybe he’s not a fat piece of shit. He’s feculently rotund.

I’m just joshin’ ya, Rush. Just because you’re a significantly out of touch old dude who’s made it with a bunch of bitches yourself doesn’t disinclude you from calling women who might  want to be safe having passion partners ‘sluts’ in a charming Cunningham manner. Beatnicks, too, amirite? You should be grateful he bothered to lift his commandingly journalistic walrus jowls from the pancake batter bowl long enough to amend the statement from the modernly offensive. That was a gift.

Despite Rush’s right – - dare I say it, his duty – - to voice the contents of his superior mind, I have to say he was perfectly right to be so charitable and amend his statement. College girls are at University to put out, so the young men can destress and focus as much as possible on their important studies. Cake making classes are there to give them something constructive to do while the latter occurs. So you can’t really call her a slut for not wanting to have a litter of bastard pups before she is married off.

Ms. Khadijah Baseer was arrested in Los Angeles in January on suspicion of prostitution. According to several men, Baseer had opened their car doors in the drive-thru lane at a McDonald’s, offering them oral sex in exchange for Chicken McNuggets. (News of the Weird)

“]

Do you even have the time for all that? Whatever happened to good old American FAST food?

Now that’s a slut. Paying attention, Limbaugh? Ain’t no babies coming out of blowies for McNuggets, just goopy fake-chicken diarrhea. I bet she’s not even intending to procreate. Well not properly anyway: you’ll notice the “Ms” prefix on Khath – - Kadjoak – - on her name.

That’s why I’m introducing the “Nuggets for Sluts Outreach Initiative.” Give the misguided young lady a McNugget, fella. There’s always that extra deformed one that decency and the hellish screams of your tortured stomach won’t allow you to finish anyway! If you’re feeling generous, dip into Wendy’s. It won’t cost you much, and they claim to use the pollo genuine article.

Don’t get me wrong, a hummer from a black chick is totally worth a box of McNuggets: they got them long snake tongues God gave ‘em for fornicating on the Ark. A curse and a blessing; the Lord works in mysterious ways. But is it worth the risk of breaking the law at the drive thru? Leave the greasy carboard remains of your dinner on the dresser like a decent whoremonger. Gosh.

“If I wanted the government in my womb,” the sign said in painted blue letters, “I’d fuck a Senator.” At the risk of offending some of her mostly male Republican colleagues, who recently voted to pass a controversial fetal personhood bill, Oklahoma Sen. Judy McIntyre (D), grabbed the sign and posed with it for photos. (Huffpost)

Just another slut who wants to get pounded hourly and dispose of the inconvenient, god-given consequence

I bet you would, Judy. I bet you would. Folks, I am providing you with the good Senator’s mailing address, because this is a woman in desperate need of nugget charity.

Senator Judy Eason McIntyre
2300 N. Lincoln Blvd., Rm. 429
Oklahoma City, OK 73105

At the very least, it will give her mouth something to do while the good ole boys decide how our mothers, sisters, and daughter may legally use their bodies.

This is exactly what single motherhood gets you: Half of your kids have hair covering their entire faces.

Ok folks, let me explain a few things.

I’m open to missing a point somewhere in here, maybe it’s me in my youth not understanding some key element of existence, but I do believe our good Mark Hurley nailed it in regards to Obama´s Mandate and the Catholic reaction.  We want to live in a free country, you want to have a business that is religion related, but not a church, you’re going to have to risk employing a person of a different faith, who’s philosophies you’ll have to endorse. Tough shit. Enjoy your parent company not paying taxes.

Here’s my follow up to the question at hand. You’re a religion related organization, right? So you love babies, right? Know what I’ll bet you hate? Abortion. Know what I’ll bet you hate almost as much? Unwed mothers. Because they’re gonna happen. All of ´em. Unwed mothers who’ve had abortions previously, and presently have more than one child from more than one ‘sperm donor’.

You know what’s gonna have to happen after that? You’re gonna have to provide medical coverage for those kids, because there ain’t no babydaddys doin’ it. Better still, guess what follows? Government subsidies that will pour in; and you just really, really aren’t changing that part of the safety net, buddy. That part of the safety net is there because, while your parent company doesn’t have to pay taxes, it’s also lost popularity, doesn’t have quite the same income it used to, and is no longer the go-to place for aid.

And what are YOU going to do when all these children of single mothers cook their schoolmates´ parents into chilli? These are the things you have to think about.

I present exhibit A to everything you just said wasn’t gonna happen when you finished the last paragraph:

For Women Under 30, Most Births Occur Outside Marriage (NYT)
And just when you think I’m gonna say clever things that work our way to an objective:

Young Mothers Describe Marriage’s Fading Allure (NYT again)

BANG exhibit B! Oh, oh, and when you’re picking up on a new theme that branches from where we started?

Right Guy, Wrong Ring? (Huffpost)

KAFOOM! Exhibit C! He’s bombarding us! Where the hell is this guy going with this? Is he a genius that’s about to enlighten the reader, or a madman who consumes too much coffee late at night while reading?

The answer is actually both A and B, but that’s an entirely different issue.

I’ve said this before: we’ve gone into this whole gender equality thing with absolutely no exit strategy to the reform. Yes, I’m talking about women’s right to vote. No, no. Hold up. I’m not saying it was a bad idea. Cool your feminist jets, and keep the planes on the launch platform. I’m saying that there was never a chance, nor a proper preface, for our culture to adjust.

Society, culture, didn’t have a chance to evolve a new social role for women, then came the second world war, women had to work in place of their husbands at factories to keep the war-machine running. And dude, don’t get me wrong, the first time I saw a ‘Rosie Riveter’ picture, in context, I thought it was so-damned-cool. Despite this, the men returned from war (and I’m not even gonna start on the damned industrial complex) and everything was expected to come back to the norm… but two more things happened.

Birth control and television (starting to see where this is going, guys?).

TV... raped a bunch of single women, making them moms, and then took their factory jobs?

Television was already a device in full swing when birth control became available on the market, hell, at this stage color was becoming the norm (for our younger audience, try to envision a world that had only just developed a smartphone ::gasp!::). You’ve got Elvis shaking his hips, on live TV and this was still a big deal! Now all of a sudden any woman can buy a box of pills that make babies not happen? On top of the fact HIV doesn’t exist, and all the other STDs can be disposed of with a week of antibiotics (don’t use birth control with your antibiotics, kids)! Clearly the world has gone mad with its technologies!

This is all taking place while the previous generation of women still have distinct memories of doing ‘men’s work’ (for dramatically less pay) just a decade or two before hand, life expectancies suddenly double, and washing machines take out at least half of the work of a housewife. No. Seriously. Call your grandma and ask her. That one was funny, but it wasn’t sexist.

(Check out this short from MST3K for some hilarious context. – Ed.)

So some moms want to bring in some more cash for the house while the kids are at school. That’s awesome, dude. It’s 1965 and socially it’s your right to stay at home and drink wine when you aren’t working. While you’re working, you should totally be given equal pay for what ever else is being done too, I mean that. Here’s where the problem starts: we let corporations start slipping into the same size they were when the first robber barons existed, equal work means equal pay, and also equal hours, then all of a sudden its the 80′s and the term latchkey kid is invented. The economy has changed, along with inflation for two-income-homes, and everyone is required to work to survive.

This is where you screw the universe up: kids see this as a model to base their lives off of. Mom and dad are both working, they are dependent of each other economically, they lose the connection to themselves, and their children, and what do you mean Johnny has been capturing cats and torturing them in the attic? How long has this been going on? No, I was at work too, but you should have been watching him! He has a problem! I saw that he made a coat out of cat skin he sewed together and you should have been watching him! No it isn’t my job, I’m the man, I’m supposed to work, you should watch the kids!

You can have your divorce, you’re a horrible mother, look at what you let happen to your child! ME? I couldn’t be a role model, I was working weekends to keep this house together! Oh… right… so were you.

And here we are.

Two generations deep in a cultural change that doesn’t seem to want to happen. Biology demands coitus (lets keep different sexualities out of this right now, alright?) and the corporate zeitgeist demands cold work machines. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, you have women writing articles about how to tell other women, how to tell their man that the ring he picked out isn’t pretty enough for him, and quasi-religious organizations that want to have their way when they should be spending a lot more time trying to help the culture adjust to the change. Ladies, if you still want your dowry of gems and cattle, I have a nice little wishlist I could provide you with. Also: you can pay for dinner.

Next time, you´re opening the door for me, bitch, or I´m not putting out.

Clearly I’ve put a lot of thought into this, or at least one very angry afternoon. I don’t have a solution to the equation, but as long as we have two distinct genders (again, we’re keeping gender identity out of this, things get entirely too muddled) it’s a good assumption that our offspring will need role models of both. The birth control pill doesn’t mean you get to screw around all you want (just wait, the male birth control pill is only a few years from shelves) it means you get to enjoy the living hell out of someone you mutually respect. All I saw in those articles was ‘I loved my child’s father, but I didn’t want to marry him.’ Honey, you clearly have a disrupted understanding of how love functions. Do you think it has anything to do with your absentee father?

If everything I’ve said here sounds just a little crazy (and I expect it to) put on an episode of Teen Mom for a few minutes. Then watch some Jersey Shore, just for good measure. If you can’t spot some flaws in what’s come up in our culture’s concept of gender roles, the idea of love, and what constitutes healthy sexual relationships… you might be a participant in the overarching problem. Also: I hear you’re single and have daddy issues. What are you doing next weekend?

... also, if you don´t like Ween, there´s something seriously wrong with you.

The big climax would come when he said, “Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it deserves any credence.” Just splooging rationalism all over the front rows of the gallery like the sexiest Gallagher show ever. Money shot. Sometimes, if I had trouble getting to philosophical nirvana, I’d have him throw in something about how European Socialism is pretty neat, and that, no, in fact, he’s not a Muslim, he’s an atheist. “Can’t do nothin’ about it now, sucka. I already got the keys!”

Since then, even though pundits love to call Obama a radical secular leftist with no concern for process, he’s been everything but what we elected him to be. If you seriously think Obama is radical, you should see the alternate universe where he actually did what we hired him to do. In the model we know, not so much as a stern admonishing, let alone the plethora of epithets he was supposed to spray our lesser officials with like a Tommy Gun with ´fucks´ for bullets. A relative failure for many of us godless liberals. Until this last glorious month.

‘Round about January 20^th, Obama unveiled a new spectacular plan. Opponents of the plan, in some of my favorite hyperbolic hyperventilating since the Kentucky Gaga scare of 2010, call it The Mandate, a tongue-in-cheek reference to some Ed Wood scandalizer schlock – - oh, wait, they’re serious. Even better.

In short, The Mandate required all employers with comprehensive health

In other words, FUCK YA, OBAMA!

care options, even those with spiritual affiliation, to offer actual comprehensive health care options. Meaning, of course, the Catholics would no longer be allowed to deny their women legal, scientifically proven, safe contraceptive and family planning care because of their silly superstitions. Also, they would have to offer “abortifacients,” which is one of those words that isn’t a real word that religious people use.

This was it! This was the kind of thing Obama supporters had been waiting almost four years for! Not only was a stunning blow struck for progressive ideals, the rights of workers and women, it was a very directed, very specific, very saucy “Fuck You Very Much” to a very vocal opponent of those rights. And, oh, how the bitches squealed!

“A violation of constitutionally granted religious freedoms!” They cried. “It is the difference between pluralism and anti-­clericalism,” they mentioned, rather cryptically. (Washington Post)

This is what you sound like.

No, it is the difference between subjectivity and entitlement. Trust us, you´ll know anti-clericalism when we express it. See, organizations that represent St. Mary’s Hospital and Notre Dame and the like think these places should be allowed to exist in the work-sphere without having to play by the rules any other employer, say Staples or NASA, would be subjected to. In no other place would that be tolerated. For example:

“Second grader Billy Hicks takes his dumps in the corner of the classroom, even though the rest of the class must use the toilets down the hall like civilized human beings. He is granted this unhygienic exception because he sincerely believes turd goblins will crawl up his poop chute if he poops anywhere else but the corner of the classroom. Nothing you can say will convince him otherwise, and the constitution grants religious freedom, so everyone has to watch him pop a squat and lives with the smell for the rest of the day. Every day.” (Me)

See, this is not a constitutional religious freedom issue by any stretch of the imagination, except those imaginations that can stretch so far as to think shitting in a corner is objectively crazy, but their religious ideas are rational to anyone but themselves. No, this is an issue of religious exceptionalism. To some people, the two concepts are entirely inseparable. Religious freedom, by any sane definition, means no one has the right to infringe on your personal ability to worship as you choose. Just so. But religious exceptionalism means thinking that Billy Hicks is being oppressed when teacher finally loses her shit and demands he crap in the toilet so the rest of the class isn’t subjected to his particular brand of disgusting crazy. How dare she? Get the lawyers!

Religious exceptionalism also means that your religious ideas – those with no basis in scientific fact or reason, because that is what makes them religious – should be imposed on those who do not share them. It is a huge problem in America now, but one the Catholics would like to see amplified. Like this quote:

“By its decision, the Obama administration has failed to show the same respect for the consciences of Catholics and others who object to treating pregnancy as a disease.”

Hyperbolically, this is a successful sentence. Babies as a disease? Perish the thought! Subjectively, by Catholic logic, those who work to avoid pregnancy are treating it like a disease, so again, a successful English sentence. Objectively – that is empirically – we are not, and so this quote is absolute bullshit. Scientifically, contraception does not even involve pregnancy, and most scientists agree next-day abortion cannot be considered murder. Pregnancy is not a disease, but it is often inconvenient, and sometimes incredibly dangerous, and there are ways to do away with it or avoid it altogether. I say “empirically,” because we can again prove the bullshit scientifically simply by your average Catholic’s reaction to a hypothetical scenario.

“You, Every Day Catholic, develop eyeball tumors, and modern medical science can get rid of them pretty easily. If you don’t get the surgery, you will die, and be dead for at least 18 years. But you work for a Cancerist company, and their religious belief states that those tumors are in their natural habitat and should be allowed to develop naturally.” (Me again)

Is there any scenario in which you would allow us to make you keep those tumors in your skull? If you think that is ridiculous, look in the mirror, you clown. Religious exceptionalists confuse their feelings of entitlement with religious freedom, because they can’t imagine something to be a “freedom” if it doesn’t come with perks that other people don’t have. In the case of the Billy Hicks and the Eyeball Tumors hypotheticals, these people would tell you that these things are unrealistic, silly, and not worth the effort of discussing. Which is exactly the way other people feel about their beliefs, so what they are really talking about is CHRISTIAN FREEDOM, not religious freedom.  Which of course equals Christian Exceptionalism. An appropriate quote from last night´s The Daily Show:

"You have confused a war on your religion with not always getting what you want."

Another example:

There would have been no controversy at all if President Obama had simply exempted religious institutions and ministries. But the administration insisted that the University of Notre Dame and St. Mary’s Hospital be forced to pay for the privilege of violating their convictions.

Super heady vocabulary, yet again. They use this kind of language to disguise the fact they have no point other than that they are more special than other Americans. All Obama had to do was make it completely unfair, and the Catholics wouldn´t feel so violated.

... but first call a doctor

See, the opposing arguments rely on different interpretations of the “freedom of religion” the poor oppressed Christians are bemoaning the loss of. One way of interpreting the clause in this context says that every woman should have the right to treat her “family way” by the dictates of her own spiritual beliefs. Or lack of beliefs concerning the issue. The other method of mangling “freedom of religion” is to blatantly say that a religious organization is free to infringe on the Constitutional rights of individuals. There’s no way every employee of massive organizations like Notre Dame is Catholic. What about their “freedom of religion,” which compared to your demands is pretty light? They just want freedom from your religion.

No, you are being “forced to pay for the privilege” of being an employer in the United States. You wouldn’t have to pay for shit if you didn’t want to operate as a legitimate US business, but since you do, you have to follow the rules. Your individual freedom to pray, eat magic crackers, and not have abortions is perfectly intact. Your ability to take others’ freedoms away is not.

“Obama chose to substantially burden a religious belief, by the most intrusive means, for a less-than-compelling state purpose — a marginal increase in access to contraceptives that are easily available elsewhere.”

Now you’re just pulling words out of your ass, and putting them together in a sentence.  Contraceptives aren’t easily available for the “marginal” people who are benefitting from The Mandate, are they? They can’t get them because they can’t afford them because you want to keep it from them. That “marginal” increase is for the “marginal” people you have chosen to oppress. We only made anti-slave laws to protect the margins of society that were slaves. “Well, if they want the pill, they don’t have to work for us,” you’ll say. We’ll get to that, keep your Scapulars on.

“[Under Obama´s administration] serving the poor and healing the sick are regarded as secular pursuits — a determination that would have surprised Christianity’s founder.”

Yeah, if Jesus Christ MD was a title earned after ten years of medical school and internships, you might squeak by with a point. But in The Gospel of Matthew: The Goblet of Magic Merlot, Jesus zapped the sick out of people with mutant god powers. Christ was many awesome things, but he was no scientist. Medicine is a secular pursuit because a priest can’t lay hands on a chick and cure her cold, let alone take care of her pregnancy problem. But way to throw “concern for the poor” in there. How, exactly, are you helping the poor by denying working women their rights, fuck stick? Sit the fuck down.

ANYWAY…

…go Obama, right?! Not only doing the rational, humanist thing for the benefit of all, and completely avoiding all constitutional quagmires, but giving the enemies of freedom the Finger In Chief in the deal? Genius!

Yeah, until Obama backed down, and made another of his fabled, pussy “compromises.”

Administration officials stated that a woman’s insurance company “will be required to reach out directly and offer her contraceptive care free of charge.  The religious institutions will not have to pay for it.

“Moreover, women will not have to opt in or out; contraceptive care will be part of the basic package of benefits offered to everyone. Contraceptive care will simply be “part of the bundle of services that all insurance companies are required to offer,” said a White House official.”  (Jill Stanek)

God. Dammit. You left in all the practical stuff, but took out the “Fuck You”? The “Fuck You In The Ass You Ignorant Cunts!” was the best part!

Still, the compromise is smart, I admit petulantly. Pretty much covers the bases. Insurance companies are required to offer free contraception to all employees, which works out for them, because the pill costs way less than covering every treatment a preggers woman needs. Women retain their basic liberties, and god nuts can rest easy knowing they have had no part in these women going straight to Hell. The uneasy peace can resume, the rumble can be postponed for another day, Riff.

No zip guns and no Egyptian scourges, you stinkin´ PR

Then again, just like all 1950s singing and dancing street gangs had a few loose cannons that made shit go all Shakespeare on everyone involved, the Catholics aren’t satisfied to not hate. See, Satan’s work is still being done, even if they have nothing to do with it, so their religious freedom is still somehow being trampled upon like the nuts of a foot-fetishist priest by an altar boy. Look at Jill Stanek’s headline:

 Contraceptive “compromise” worse than original mandate: Eliminates any exceptions

Let us stop mowing around the landing strip on this and move straight to mons town. I have a theory about what’s really going on around here, a theory we’ll call the “Homeless Man Shitting On His Own Half-Eaten Garbage Chalupa Hypothesis.” It can be illustrated by the following image:

Aw, yeah, that´s a big Chalupa grunter.

Say a hobo won the bum lottery and discovered half of a once-delicious Taco Bell Chalupa in a dumpster, but he already had a dead cat for breakfast at 6pm and he’s watching his weight, so he needs to save it for later. Tough challenge ever since the increase in homeless people since the banks started running the country. Animal instincts kick in, hordes of disenfranchised zombies sense a snack has been found, and they’re circling. Any moment now, the enemy will swarm down upon the hobo’s dumpster, and there’s no way he’ll be able to keep the crusty, flaky, slightly moldy deliciousness. Now imagine the hobo doesn’t particularly hate the taste of his own fecal matter. (Me, the last one, proimise)

The jackpot for many religious institutions would be the ability to only hire their own people. Makes sense. How can you keep a sterile Catholic hospital environment when you have a bunch of stinky Buddhists scurrying about, rummaging around inside of people? How can you teach kids about where we all came from six thousand years ago if you let a bunch of atheist scientists spew facts willy nilly all over your little Arian acolytes? Problem is, we have these seriously inconvenient anti-discrimination laws, and technically you’re not supposed to 86 a candidate from a job interview for being differently affiliated, spiritually speaking. The only way to get what you want is through the back door. Literally.

"Ah, so kind of like my episode "Galaxy´s Child" in which I "spoiled the milk" for the entity feeding off the Enterprise´s energy - -"

Shut up, LaForge! See, the Catholics won’t have to take part in any PR-damaging discrimination if they shit on their own Chalupa. If I were a woman, I wouldn’t take a job at, say, Notre Dame, because I’d want my health insurance to offer me all legal, effective medical treatments available in the US in some form or another. I wouldn´t want prayers to fix a treatable ailment. The Catholics wouldn’t want my heathen, fetus munching ass either. Outside of the shitty job market I’d be thrown into,* the only real losers in this scenario are the kids who miss out on the best candidate to be their professor, because I am a fucking genius, even as a woman.

Finish us off, Jill Stanek:

Furthermore, and just as importantly, it isn’t enough to (supposedly) exempt religious institutions from the contraception mandate. That is to say only people of faith are allowed to have, or are capable of, consciences. What about secular conscientious objectors?

Did anyone else just pitch a petit mal when they read that? What about the hell-bound godless heathens we can use to swell our numbers this one time? You know before we can gloat over their damned, worthless souls again. The godless fucks “capable of having consciences” about this one issue? Don’t count on them for allies after you just took a whiz on their pizza, you condescending taint munch.

*I don´t want to belabor the point, but think about our already crappy job market. Now, think about what would happen if the few remaining employers were allowed to make it completely uncomfortable for anyone but their own kind to work for them. Sound American to you?

Doing the Lord´s work

Zombie Jesus has claimed another soul, and never is it so hard as when that soul belongs to a young, blond, white woman from America. Kylie Bisutti (pictured, duh) was doing some wonderful missionary work for Victoria’s Secret in malls and catalogues around the world when the worst happened. She found religion.

She had always had religion, but it had apparently been lost in the couch cushions for some time. It was like when a cheerleader loses her car keys. She’ll spend a month looking for them, but don’t be fooled by the act: most of the time she can’t remember what it was she was looking for. It was only more than eight years into being super hot for money that Kylie noticed some of her work didn’t square with what the curmudgeonly old impotents that run her specific brand of Christianity told her Jesus wants.  So she had to make a choice between religion and happiness. As is so often the case, the tragic choice was made.

Bisutti, who began her modeling career at age 14, said she isn’t giving up modeling. She said she is just being more careful about what kinds of jobs she takes. (ABC)

Careful? That’s the terminology we’re going with? So, up until this point you’ve just been stumbling into jobs and out of clothes like a drunken, be-helmeted retard? “Oops, I wandered onto the catwalk of a multi-million dollar international fashion show in my underwear and high heels again.” She just has to be less clumsy, is all. Her life since she was 14 has been one long dream-I-just-had, only she was paid rather handsomely. Show a little more vigilance, and you can entirely avoid falling into corsets, getting your makeup done, and posing for photo shoots.

Kylie Bisutti got her shot in 2009 when she beat out 10,000 women and won the Victoria’s Secret model search to become the newest Angel.

If I was making up a religion, and I was at the morality part, I would throw in a bit about dashing the hopes of ten thousand young women and then not having the grace and gratitude to not get fucking naked for the country. That’s just me. Because it isn’t like the runner up is getting a call tomorrow. Everybody knows she’s been cankles deep in Nestle Dibs since that fateful day in 2009. There’s just this ugly little redaction in the Victoria’s Secret slut roster until someone else wins the big contest; even then, we’ll always be one behind. We’ll never catch up, and there will always be a glaring, distracting deficiency in the experience that may even hinder preteens from reaching completion. God, when will the religious nuts learn to consider who they are hurting?!

Pictured: A lovely young lady wearing more than anyone wears at your average beach. Whore.

So she decided to hang up her wings. She said her body is for her husband alone, and that she doesn’t want to teach young girls that it’s OK to show so much skin in public.

Instead, she taught them that, like smoking, it will probably be alright up until a certain age, and you can usually get off pretty clean in the end. This horse is well out of the stable, honey. We have this internet thing, and you’ve appeared in catalogues and shows… oh, just all manner of nakey-bations. We will never not be able to see the very worst of it, and neither will your impressionable girls. Damage done. You’ve personally created hundreds of future unscrupulous monsters with an insatiable urge to give up the goods. You should never have played god.

By the way, what happened in America that every bink with a contract thinks she’s immediately a role model to 11 year old girls? Can someone show me the temporal ground zero of when the entire country thought Christina Aguilera had any responsibility other than to make mediocre music and smell funky? Or that Katy Perry had some kind of duty to lie to your kid that girls kissing girls only happens in songs, and in real life it makes angels cry? Yeah, from their heavenly dongs. Where is the inception, here? They’re your fucking kids! Take them to age appropriate shit like the zoo, and use the internet blocker, or beat them. Whatever. We don’t care, because we made the conscious decision to not litter the Earth with impossibly fragile genetic replicas. All you’re doing is robbing us of our allotted lifetime’s worth of happiness, and I doubt Jesus would have dug that. Especially since, anyway, you’re just wrong! My mother tried for years to keep me from listening to Marilyn Manson. It didn’t work, but all I got out of the experience was that I have a healthy respect for the man’s act, and I never once wanted to fit myself with fake tits. Your parental paranoia has the potential to seriously fuck up your kids, and more importantly, it is harshing my mellow.

SOOO anyway, Kylie, you’re out of the 13 yr old masturbatory fodder

She´s wearing boy´s underwear! Cute? Yes, but revealing?

game. I guess this means you’ll be giving back all the money VS paid you over the course of your short career, it being dirty, tainted, immoral money. No? How’s your Christian morality squaring that one? Is it doing that thing where it is conveniently ambiguous about some things like the acquisition of wealth, and unreasonably specific about other things? Things like what you can do in front of a camera, technology that wouldn’t be invented for 1,900 years after the dogma was set down?

Let me ask you something, you know, before you totally drop something you’ve been working for since you were 14, something you’ve been winning contests at, at what is frankly the apex of your career: Is your husband having any trouble spending the dough you’ve brought home thus far? That convertible you bought him for Christmas still gleaming in the driveway? Here’s one: Can you make me a quick equation showing what your husband does for work, how much he brings down, versus how many Xbox games he owns? Haha,just kidding. We here at Scumbag Style have some empathy. We would never ask you to have tits like that and a brain. That kind of stuff only happens in movies like Legally Blonde, and in real life makes men unhappy.

Infidel.

Scumbag Style takes to religion like a fetus takes to a rusty hanger, simultaneously in a constant, frantic, claustrophobic dodge and hurling wild, vitriolic, impotent missives like Michael J. Fox at a stoning. For the most part, though, we’ve stuck to Christianity, because we’re an American ‘zine, and Christianity is the greatest threat America has faced these few decades. We don’t fuck too much with Islam, not because in the grand scheme of things it is any better – in fact it may be worse than Christianity on a global scale. Like cholera, or Africanized bees, or Kylie Minogue; we’re not denying it sucks like whoa, it just isn’t really our problem. And anyway, the way our conservative leaders have dealt with the Muslim problem since 9/11 has been hyperbolic, racist, ignorant, jingoistic, intolerant – - I’m being redundant to make a point. There is just no reason to squat over an overflowing pool of festering horse shit.

But if you’re going to be a clown, I’m not going to just leave it. Sometimes we forget, while we deal with our own Christian fuck heads, Europe’s mostly secular Western population is suffering from a massive Muslim problem. It has been happening for some time, with Muslims hitching up the early model Toyotas and heading west, swelling European populations with their own numbers, and loudly clambering for crazy laws to be passed. It’s like if a bunch of giraffes started squatting in your home and didn’t learn to eat at the table, but demanded all chicken dinners be put in the attic where they can reach it, because there are four of you and six of them. But most of us were made aware of the scope of the fucktardery by reports of the Jihad against a Danish newspaper cartoonist who published an unflattering picture of Mohammad, and a price was put on his head, and attempts were made on his life (sigh, read). Brutal shit. At least in America we can do this to Jesus:

I have worse. You´re welcome.

Ours sure ain’t the greatest nation in the world, but a country that lets you do that to one of its greatest heroes is at least worth the tanker truck of Spic n Span it needs to clean it up.

Anyway, Muslims in Europe have declared Jihad on friggin’ dogs. Dogs. Those animals humanity domesticated before we learned how to write on clay slabs about how useful these motherfuckers are. From what I can tell, the Jihad is still metaphorical, but religion routinely makes people do crazier things than declaring a Fatwa on a whole species. How many religions have convinced their entire flock to wear seriously goofy hats? Countless, is the answer. Hating on specific groups of animals in the 21st century is not out of the question.

The issue stems from the fact that dogs are unclean animals, according to Muslim tradition. Mohammed

Disgusting!

on a Monorail, what is clean to these people? Take everything out of society they think is unclean, you’ll have the contents of a surgical theater, minus all the really smart Jews. And seriously, like I tried to explain to my wife in bed the other night, “clean” is a pretty subjective term. In their homeland, they must get so much sand in their food on a routine basis that their diet must consist of 70% mud. Is that clean?

So because dogs are unclean, Muslims in The Hague, Netherlands (again with the Netherlands) are trying to outlaw them completely. Everywhere. How do you even enforce something like – - Oh, no! Holy Cutest Holocaust Ever, Batman! Right now, I imagine, the savvy amongst the Dutch population are turning their attics into soundproof kennels. Cat costumes are going like hotcakes. Their owners are bringing them into vets and paying top dollar for plastic surgery to make them look more like… I don’t know. Marmosets? Are Tasmanian Devils clean? The gas chambers don’t know the difference. I can’t stop picturing adorable little puppies, buried up to their necks in the Fiords, pelted with rocks by hooting savages. It’s haunting.

ROAR! I am of SATAN!

The furry infidels have been facing some serious adversity already, in England of all places. Not Number The Stars or Maus shit (I… only read at a fifth grade level), but easily Rosa Parks level hassles. Effing literally. Pet owners have been harassed in public parks. Blind people with guide dogs have been kicked off of buses and out of restaurants and supermarkets because another patron was Muslim, and she might get offended. Others because the bus driver was Muslim, and fuck you, that’s why. Gotta get to work? Go to Braille class? Solve important crimes with your heightened sense of touch? Win the fuck out of a staring contest? Get some new eyes, bitch. (I really don’t know what blind people do with most of their days)

My favorite part of this is that Muslims in airports across Europe are getting free passes from bomb and gun sniffing dogs. I shit you not. Sniffing dogs aren’t allowed anywhere near them because Islam says dogs are unclean. It is goddamned genius! “Um, yeah, my religion says I must face Detroit three times a day and do bong rips until I can’t stand. Also, you. Yes, you with the cans. Your shirt offends me on a spiritual level.”

What kind of person do you have to be to find this level of crazy acceptable? You can’t – you just cunting

I am the kind of person you have to be to find this acceptable.

can’t – exorcise other peoples’ lifestyles because they offend your stupid superstitions. You can’t live in a Western Democracy and tell people they can’t have dogs because, on a purely spiritual level, you think they are unclean. Physically, in the world sane people inhabit, dogs are only mildly offensive slobber machines that occasionally get uncomfortably up in your shit at your friend’s house. I know people who are more annoying than that (lookin’ at you, Aunt Carol), and yes, most of those people are dog owners, but that’s neither here nor there. You might be able to get away with that shit at home, Ahmed, but Europe’s done a pretty good job of silencing their fundie Christians, and now they have practice. Sit the fuck down.

And if you still feel you should have that ability, then you better make some damned good provisions for the people you’re inconveniencing across the continent. You fucking wear a barrel of whiskey around your neck and trudge through the Alps rescuing skiers. You hang out by wells all day and alert Ma when kids fall down them. You run around the fields herding uncooperative sheep into pens (I know, I thought of Babe too, but pigs are unclean too! You can’t win with these people!). You strap on a leash and lead blind people through London foot traffic.

I happen to have a picture of Mohammed doing just that. Come and get me, bitch.

What, do you think, are the odds the American public will learn from this? Will they recognize a corollary between Europe’s pending Muslim prohibitions, maybe realize that stifling something like gay marriage, because their version of Jesus thinks it is icky, is dangerously toxic to the very concept of Democracy, as most religious ideas are? Or will they live up to expectations and cite the Puppycaust as yet another reason to burn Korans and keep Muslims out of middle Manhattan? Leave your thoughts below.

The conspiracy thickens.

(SAY! What else could Mohammed be doing for the community while he´s busy fucking over Europe? Draw a picture and send it to Scumbag Style´s Bitch Box, and you could win a t-shirt!)

Full disclosure: This guy did all my research for me. I just brought the vitriol and 5 year-old sense of humor. Like a real journalist, he links to the relevent stories. You think I have time to read all the newspapers of entire continent I don´t inhabit?

By Ms Lori

Hey there. My name is Lori, and I am here to take you to school. Yes, darling, I know you don’t want to go to school. There is just such a glut of elitist intellectual smarty-pants propaganda floating around this country, that we could all use a little less school and a little more common Bible sense. And not only that, book-learnin’ is so hard. So I thought that, as your teacher, maybe I could pop a few blouse buttons, put my finger in my mouth, and make you hard for education.

Recent History 101

(If you know the story, you may skip this section, but I will be talking about my vagina, and it will be on the test. My vag, I mean. I dip it in red ink and leave a nice little lip hug for all my A students.)*

I’d like to introduce you to Jessica Ahlquist. A lot of you may know her from the death threats you sent her and her family. Some of you may even remember promising to rape her, mostly from the safe, cowardly anonymity of the internet. Some of you have done it in person, in public, and for that I applaud you. For those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is female, like I totally am, and she is a sixteen year old high school student from Rhode Island. And she is an atheist, so her opinion doesn’t count.

Still, Jessica is the newest champion of constitutional civil rights in the US, and many regard her as a hero. Just the excitement of her young age and her superior reasoning skills make my nips all hard. Go ahead, feel your screen. Can you feel that? I’m working on two semi-symmetrical avocado pits here.

There are some that suggest this is not a specifically Christian prayer.

Nine months ago:  As a non-believer in all fairy tales, no matter their tenacity or popularity, Jessica was particularly perturbed by a banner hanging in her public high school’s auditorium or gymnasium or whatever. The banner was very clearly a Christian prayer, albeit one with a surprisingly well-thought-out list for Santa Jesus. As a person, she felt excluded, and a little frightened. The institution responsible for her mental and social development during some very formative years not only espoused ideals a five year old child could see was bullshit, but also considered her a second class citizen. This is all not to mention that her peers are not exactly of an age where being different got you a good seat at the lunch table. When I brought my first menstrual painting in for fifth grade show and tell, I shouldn’t have been surprised when the kids took me out back at recess and pelted me with used tampons, right?

But as a citizen, Jessica knew that laws we being broken, laws in place specifically to protect people like her, and took it upon herself to see them fixed. She politely asked her school to take the offending tapestry down, in accordance with local and federal law. When they declined and told her to shut up, she sued their fat, pious asses.

The case caused a bit of a row in her Rhode Island community, one that FOX News couldn’t help but assist in rippling across the country. Dissenting opinion came in the form of angry letters, threats from fellow students and their parents, and a strongly worded letter from God on a tortilla. Still everyone basically believed she was a kind of upstart heathen on her period, and she would never win her case.

Last week:  Boy were their faces red when the judge unequivocally ruled in favor of Jessica Ahlquist, and ordered the school to burn the prayer banner as part of a wholesome Satanic ritual. By red, I mean the kind of red an old-school shit-faced Irishman’s face gets when you tell him you anally raped his sister, and she loved it. The kind of red my pussy gets when I do 7 tabs of ecstasy and am left to my own devices for a whole day. They were pissed, and rubbed the wrong way is what I mean.

Primate Behavior 201

There hasn’t been so much feces thrown since I went to the monkey habitat at the zoo and took their gestures as a personal challenge. I mean, this shit got bad. They weren’t angry at the judge for handing down the objectively, unarguably correct ruling, nor the lawyers who clearly let him know he’d be the laughing stock of the judicial gym locker room if he came back with any other verdict. They were mad at the little girl that outsmarted them.

Locally, Jessica and her family do not feel safe going to the supermarket. She’s been called evil, told she’s going to hell, that she’d be injured, raped, even killed. By followers of Christ. Her peers, marinated as they have been in their folks’ backward ass, witch-hunty philosophy as if it were their own, jeered, mocked, and threatened her, holding the same torches and pitchforks the adults carried. It got to the point this week where Jessica had to make a public plea that all the haters’ beef was with her, and could they please leave her sister alone. I don’t even have a joke for that. That’s fucking disgusting.

In the anonymous halls of the internet, people hiding behind avatars and screen names behaved with their expected grace and tact. Here’s a sampling:

“Let’s all jump that girl who did the banner #fuckthatho”
“I want to punch the girl in the face that made west take down the school prayer… #Honestly”

“hail Mary full of grace @jessicaahlquist is gonna get punched in the face”
“Fuck Jessica alquist I’ll drop anchor on her face”
“lol I wanna stick that bitch lol”
“We can make so many jokes about this dumb bitch, but who cares #thatbitchisgointohell and Satan is gonna rape her.”
“Brb ima go drown that atheist in holy water”
“”But for real somebody should jump this girl” lmao let’s do it!”
“shes not human shes garbage”
“wen the atheist dies, they believe they will become a tree, so we shld chop her down, turn her into paper then PRINT THE BIBLE ON HER.”
“May that little, evil athiest teenage girl and that judge BURN IN HELL!”
“definetly laying it down on this athiest tommorow anyone else?”
“yeah, well i want the immediate removal of all atheists from the school, how about that?”
“If this banner comes down, hell i hope the school burns down with it!”
“U little brainless idiot, hope u will be punished, you have not win sh..t! Stupid little brainless skunk!”
“Nothing bad better happen tomorrow #justsaying #fridaythe13th”
“How does it feel to be the most hated person in RI right now? Your a puke and a disgrace to the human race.”
“I hope there’s lots of banners in hell when your rotting in there you atheist fuck #TeamJesus”
“literally that bitch is insane. and the best part is she already transferred schools because shes knows someone will jump her #ahaha”
“gods going to fuck your ass with that banner you scumbag”
“I found it, what a little bitch lol I wanna snuff her”
“if I wasn’t 18 and wouldn’t go to jail I’d beat the shit out of her idk how she got away with not getting beat up yet”
“nail her to a cross”
“When I take over the world I’m going to do a holocaust to all the atheists” (Alternet)

Oh, hi. I´m Jessica. I´M SIXTEEN!

Mother fucker! I cannot say this enough, this girl is sixteen. The fact that these people have the intellect of a two year old doesn’t excuse them from basic decency and, I don’t know, not gloating about the Satan raping she’s got coming to her.  I mean, I wouldn’t mind, because that sounds like fun to me. Muscles all red and ripply, cock veins purple and hot as thousand suns, probably Hitler and Mother Teresa there to watch. But of course these people think it would be a bad thing, so screw them.

The public forum hasn’t been overly sexy for Jessica either. Outside of various circus clown pundits, her state senator suggested she was the puppet of the ACLU and that she shouldn´t be using money with “In God We Trust On It.” But Beth Moura is just an idiot. Her own representative Peter Palumbo called her an “evil little thing” on the radio. SHE’S SIXTEEN.** Forgetting the fact that this guy took an oath to uphold the Constitution and knows damned well Jessica is entirely, 100% in the right, he’s a grown man! I get it. I do. Men sometimes need to feel big and important, and statutory importance is easy pickins. He’s a big man, now that he’s broadcast to the world that a sixteen year old girl is evil. He really pulled them pigtails and took the little girl down a peg. She was pretty much asking for it, being all vulnerable and underage like she is. And that shirt! What did we expect, really? One time, when I was a kid, I suggested to my uncle he may have had a couple too many Fosters, and he proceeded to hold me down and make me taste what too many recycled Fosters tasted like in one swallow. I had it coming.

Most recently, a scheduled school board meeting or whatever was held, and while school lunches and parent prom committee are probably pretty pressing this time of year, guess what was discussed, for the entire meeting.  Yop. The immediate repeal of the court decision.  But guess who had the immense, Jolly Green balls to show up and speak.

Fuckin’ A, Jessica Ahlquist! She and a classmate took the mic and calmly, rationally explained to the standing room only crowd of adult animals parents why they were fucktards, and frankly, sore losers. How did the community react? Why, the booed and heckled the shit out of her of course. One more time, all together now, SHE IS SIXTEEN! These are adults who, it has to be said, are responsible for raising their own children (scary, no?), and they were outclassed by a couple of kids with an appropriate reading level. While Jessica cites legal precedent and logic, these grown assed proto-humans carried on like so much poked baboon.  So far all that has been proven is that omniscient, all powerful God needs rural New England bumpkins to stand up for him. (Serious props go to the superintendent for taking the mic and telling them they were acting like children)

Recess

This is really long, and I’m sure reading so much is hurting your tiny brain, so here is a picture of me with less clothes on.

Philosophy 104

A lot of the aforementioned hullaballoo was a result of the mistaken impression so many of us have adopted that in America, majority rules. The majority of the people living in the town or county or whatever are Christian, so they should be allowed to decide if an exclusionary prayer should hang in the auditorium. When I hear this bit of fuck-nuttery, I feel like I just heard a five year old tell a dead baby joke. “Where do you pick this shit up?” you want to yell at their faces, whilst shaking them with a will. “It’s not like we teach you this in school!” In fact, for more than 250 years, we have run the United States of America on the exact opposite precept of “majority rules.” Do you so misunderstand the country you love so much that you’ll kill a queer to keep him from marrying and ruining it, that you don’t even know how Democracy works?

This is why the conservative establishment rails so very hard against schooling of any kind. “Universities are evil!” they shout. “Go ahead and home school your kid so they don’t learn anything that contradicts the Bible, including social skills and monkey humpin’.” It is in their best interests to keep 95% of Americans in a real live medieval serfdom, so you don’t learn how to fucking read your own country’s founding documents. Whenever an American slave was found to have learned how to read and write, they hung his ass. Even we women were not allowed to read at certain times, because men knew it wouldn’t be long before we developed Xerox capabilities and started emailing copies of our vagoos around the office.

Constitution one-oh-fucking-one

If majority did indeed rule, slavery would never have been universally abolished. States would still be allowed to call people property, and do not be so naive to think some would not opt in. The decedents of those slaves would have their own toilets and schools and counters at the malt shops that deign to even let them through the door. When my cunt starts to smell of fish, as all cunts do from time to time, I would not be allowed to get that fixed medically. Elvis Presley records would come with labels warning parents that the content could cause cancer in children under 17. We have fail-safes in place so that the majority of people can’t straight up vote to have all second born Phillipino boys’ nutsacks sealed in tuna cans if the religious establishment suddenly decided to make you believe that is what Jesus wants.

And if you had your dumb fuck wish, and majority did in fact rule, can you at least have some bleeding forethought about it? Today you clamor that, because most of you are Christians, you can shove it in anyone else’s face that lives there. Every day. So that every day, some atheist 16 year old girl has to come to grips with the fact that a public institution she has no choice but to attend thinks of her as a second class citizen. What happens when a shit-ton of Muslims show up because, I don’t know, there’s a huge demand for falafel. Suddenly the Muslims outnumber the Christians, and the prayer banner in the auditorium praises Allah. Are you going to sit back and say, “Well shit, there’s more of them than us”? Or are you going to have kittens and yell NINE ELEVEN until the Muslims are drug out into the streets and shot just to shut your shrill ass up?

Phys-Ed

It’s a matter of rationality fellas, and I know you’re allergic to that word, but it wasn’t prayer that built the Chrysler building. It took deductive reasoning skills, and math and science, and yes, a fucking liberal arts degree in engineering. This prayer hubbub is the exact same sans-reasoning as this recent bit of cock-knockery in which extremist group Focus on the Family took the opportunity, during Tim Tebow’s last game as Jesus’ butt boy, to air an incredibly expensive advertisement that showed a bunch of good white Christian kids talking about John 3:16.

Now, putting aside the fact that no one called CPS on their asses, a commercial during that game reached 34.2 million Americans in their living rooms (a playoff record). The NFL is a family event nowadays, as evidenced by the shitty half-time shows we’ve had to endure these past decades (you think your average male NFL fan gives a crispy Christ about Britney Spears?). But when recently a few atheist billboards showed up over the highways of relatively rural butt-fuck Ohio (for example), which could only have conceivably reached 350,000 adult, licensed, supposedly reasonable Ohioans, being generous, the whole blessed country took a collective pants-dook over the in-your-face indoctrination, and they were removed.

It’s only fair that, if you should have to change for gym class, I should too.

If those kids were quoting the Qur’an as an aside to Tom Brady’s triumphant reckoning, Christians across the nation would be hootin’ and a hollerin’ about those poor kids having to parrot some silly sandy-ass superstition. If my religion said I had to jam out with my clam out at state fairs every summer, they’d call it a cult, and worse, feminism, and they’d shoot it down in a second. Literally the only conclusion that can be reached is that you believe Christians reckon higher amongst the American caste, and in every conceivable sense, that is the antithesis of American. It isn’t democratic, it isn{t legal, it isn’t fair, and it damned sure isn’t right. “Freedom of religion” does not mean that you’re welcome to choose something other than what the majority of Americans are if you’re willing to have your rights stripped away.

In other words, it is unconstifuckingtutional.

*”Lip hug” being a term coined by the lovely Danielle Hurley as a female alternative to the tea bag, so if you tell her I stole it, I will kill you in your sleep.

** Here is his phone number and email address. Let him know what a piece of shit he is.rep-palumbo@rilin.state.ri.us    (401) 785-2882

Jessica Ahlquist is indeed a hero, with speaking engagements across the bible belt and beyond, and at this year’s planned Reason Rally, pretty much opening for Tim Minchin. Hott. Concerned citizens have started a scholarship fund to help her through college, and I hope you’ll consider supporting her.

I am a fucking miracle MACHINE

This here´s the Jesus Toaster, which we think is… just great. For the pittance of 35 smackers, you too can experience the miracle of His Divine Presence in foodstuffs normally reserved for the unwashed ignorants of Central and South America´s poorer countries. Every morning! Because in no way does the ability to recreate, at will, what used to be priceless manifestations of God´s love cheapen the experience. For you bulemics, the Tim Tebow version is set to be released soon, so you won´t even have to shove a finger down your throat to stay thin and toothless all year ´round. (Christian Post)

Tenesseehas responded to teen bullying suicides by introducing a bill that would make it alright for

Gosh, thanks you guys. I´m the son of God and I need thugs beating on the girly boys for me. That makes me look great.

school children to harass homosexuals, as long as they do it for Jesus. Kind of like a birthday present for the guy who literally has everything. The idea is that not being able to call a homosexual peer a faggot in school, or tell him he´s going to hell, is an infringement on the Christian student´s first amendment rights. This is another thing Scumbag Style can throw our whole weights behind. Cast those first stones, friends, because, on religious grounds, I think you´re a hopeless pile of elephant dooks whose ignorance is poisoning the very gene pool we all have to swim in, and if you were forcefully sterilized, the Earth itself would benefit, not to mention my invisible best friend who hates you inherently. Also, you have cooties. And I will say this in front of everyone you have to spend 12 miserable years of your life with. Then we´ll see who´s shooting up with his mom´s Windex and writing a wimpy tear-stained letter. (SMV Nashville)

After last night´s frankly stunning performance by Denver franchiser and enemy of all things wholesome Tim Tebow, in which he actually did quarterbacky things, I got the following message in the Bitch Box: “Atheist, how does it feel knowing Tim Tebow won 29-23 in overtime? Does it make you realize how dumb you are? – Voted4BushTWICE” I have to say, you got me, friend. Tebow prayed a bit, and won a game. You voted for Bush twice, and I am indeed the dumb one. I mean, you could make the point that Tebow is bound to win once in a while. God aside, would Denver have made him their franchise quarterback if he wasn´t going to win a few? Do you know how many millions of dollars rest on the successes and failures of an NFL franchise? Trust me, people talk a good game about God, but ask a millionaire how many times he left his finances in the hands of prayer. Also, did the Broncos win in overtime, or did Tebow walk out there alone? Still, I guess it is not so ridiculous to think God had something to do with a moderately talented quarterback having a few lucky throws.

Like Dear Abby, but hate mail is actually encouraged here.

But Voted4BushTWICE (congrats for making it past age 22 with your handicap), I must then ask you, is that how God wins? In overtime? Barely squeaking by against an objectively immoral rapist quarterback with a wrenched ankle? Whilst ignoring hunger, famine, disease, and suffering around the world? How great is your God that he had to put all of his effort into winning one playoff game, against a team that frankly didn´t bring their A-game? Question answered. I do hope you are willing to answer my question concerning your feelings next week when my Pats kick the living shit out of Denver for the second time this year. Tom Brady is greater than God.

The inerrant, unquestionable, and perfect word of God has been “clarified” in the 2011 edition of the NIV (New International Version of the Bible, which isn´t really all that international, being written by and for your average southern American darky hater). It seems the 1984 version wasn´t nearly clear enough on just what an abomination you can make of yourself in the sack. Douglas J Moo (tee hee), who chairs the committee that dares fuck with the Big Guy´s original edicts, said it was necessary to mess with many of the big ones, including Corinthians, Romans, and Leviticus. It was necessary because it apparently isn´t clear that the “homosexual sins” and “perversions” referred to by Bronze Age egg heads means “dudes doing each other in the butt.” For it is icky unto His sight.

The updated NIV reflects the fact that the key Greek word here refers to males.

It is of amazing comfort to this observer that, no matter how the hate mill turns in our great society, we can all agree that two chicks getting it on is pleasing on a natural and supernatural level. Make with the gamahuche ladies, you just got your deific endorsement. (Christian Post)

So many awesome tributes today.

The last thing Scumbag Style wants to do is get all serious and misty-eyed, so we´ll keep this brief.

Christopher Hitchens – author, philosopher, great thinker, one of the most important primates to walk this Earth in the past century – has finally succumbed to esophageal cancer. He´s an inspiration to many of the writers here, his thoughts crudely replayed across our pages for the sake of intelligent dick jokes. The world will miss his influence, his humor, his articles and books, and his “Hitchslaps” greatly… if not now, then very soon, as he predicted.

Also, proving Hitchens entirely correct, the ugliness of your average Christian (that´s right, I said it) reared its celebratory head the moment Vanity Fair broke the news. Seriously, go check out hashtag #godisnotgreat on Twitter right now. I will wait (here´s a few for you impatients):

via @jes3ica

What a tribute! Scrumptious irony packaged in a flaky crust of pure, violent ignorance. Whilst threatening horrific violence to all who retweeted #GodIsNotGreat, Christians across the globe had no clue that God Is Not Great is the title of Hitchens´ famous book linking religion with violence and ignorance (ignorance like not knowing one of the most important books of your lifetime). Its all over Facebook and junk, too, and these are just some of the funniest, not the really creatively violent ones. Believing in God may also include the awesomeness of Hell Sandwiches and slug guns, but it definitely does not include grammar lessons in the basic package. And my goodness do the Godly like their elipses (that´s the “dot dot dot” for you religious minded).

Say, you know how atheists are always sending death threats to Christians for expressing their views? Exactly, and that´s what Hitchens was getting at. There are good men and there are dickheads, but it takes religion to make a good man be a dick on the internet.

Word

This has since been disproved, however it does reveal something startling. The way Twitter trending works, the phrase or hashtag has to evolve due to user content. It uses an algorithm that determines this, to make sure trends are kept fresh and exciting. So, while a flesh-and-blood person did not sensor #godisnotgreat (Gizmodo), the body of Twitter users actually did, by coming up with more fresh new reasons to beat your girlfriend than things to say about a venerated author and orator. Smell that? That´s the low tide of your faith in humanity, and it smells like win for one deceased hero.