(Wait! Don’t Go! You haven’t told us how to properly stone pregnant women!)

Geraldo Rivera, who will give a one-foot-clearance walrus ‘stache ride to the highest bidder, was the first television personality to tackle the Glenn Beck speech, that I could tell. He had guests ranging from a smattering from FOX’s stable of pretty bubble heads, to Beck pal and civil-rights traitor Alveda “What’s Context?” King, to the blind, flailing activist boxer himself, Al Sharpton. The poor, silly reverend was lambasted with questions about why, in the weeks leading up to the 6 to 500,000 man (depending on who you ask) asskiss, Sharpton and his progressive ilk would rail against the rally. After all, Beck didn’t touch on any political hot buttons, any racial lightening rod topics — he didn’t actually say anything at all. Hey, Seattle Tea Party youth group, glad you got out of bed for the 3,000 mile bus ride to vacuous homily?

Now, unknowingly, Al Sharpton is a puppet of the right wing media, an ignorant talking head  to add to a panel on FOX News to speak for progressives and make them all look stupid. Not the kind of guy we want for the job, but under the circumstances, he comported himself well. He made the point that he wouldn’t have made a big deal out of it all if he had known the message Beck planned to give: a muddy, convoluted argument about something that sounded like “equality and justice for all.” Nobody disagrees that this is important. How could Sharpton have known the speech wouldn’t have been a call to violent revolution, the culmination of all the hate speak and fear-mongering Beck’s two shows are known for? But given a couple of days to think about this, Sharpton might have found something real to bitch about.

Glenn Beck is now a full-on, Hebrew Scriptures prophet. His ass is Jeremiah, motherfucker, and if he sees any backlash to his intentionally tame and cowardly speech on 8/28, he’ll be happy to level up and assume the mantle of Job. He’ll say otherwise in the next week, but the crux of his speech is that he has God’s ear, and God speaks to him. He prayed to God for money for a politically safe cause, and without telling anyone else, ‘received’ $600,000, and more is still pouring in. Wherever did it come from, if not from God? It’s called your bloated paycheck, shithead. It’s the blood money you accrued scaring gullible Americans into arming themselves against the other 3/4 of the country, perpetuating false narratives about Islam and health care, and the birth/theology of the president.

I know the Newscorp symbol looks like a bunch of crosses, but Rupert Murdoch is not Super-Jesus

But that’s only a small point. Any televangelist can threaten damnation if a monetary donation isn’t received. On the surface, his hour long tirade that phrased the same point in a hundred different ways, is seemingly innocuous. It’s simple, and it isn’t new. “America needs to put its faith in God.” What’s so bad about that, other than the obvious predicate, “… my God”? We all need to square ourselves with Jesus, and embrace a faith-rich America in which we all agree that some problems can only be solved by “our creator” who is also considered by crazy people like Beck “the founder of our country.” Here’s your first amendment rights, Beck, you’re entitled to them, and we’ll even throw in a free crucifix. Get up on it, and get out of our faces.

The argument sets a dangerous precedent for his all-white, all-protestant audience. It’s a precedence of laziness and violence, permission to shoot from the comfort of your favorite porch chair. The philosophical idea of the terrifying ‘other’ that will eat a society alive, because there will always be that other to punish for the problems of the whole, exactly what this American experiment was designed to avoid. Being right with Jesus is unquantifiable and worse, unobservable in its purest form. We may never be able to tell just how square-with-the-lord every white protestant is, but there’s one thing we can be sure of: people that aren’t white protestant are not part of the solution. They’re part of the problem, and until atheists and members of other religions are eradicated, the United States will never be the shining beacon of peace, liberty, and tolerance we all want it to be. Try to defend new mosques and gay marriage in the face of that! And Shredder would have been perfectly happy to let the Ninja Turtles exist if only they would exist as turtle soup in his tummy. He was so misunderstood, and that scar was probably really itchy, the poor guy.

Of course, being a member of a recognized batshit cult offshoot himself, he’s generously deigned not to pick nits about which white Jesus loves you. I guess being a Mormon, he learned from the best. I bet if you got Joseph Smith, L. Ron Hubbard, and Glenn Beck in the same room, the Universe would implode with the concentrated spiritually manipulative powers.

Beck wants to play the victim. He picked his topic wisely, so that he’d be perfectly shielded behind the 1st Amendment and common decency. He will at once play his peaceful religious freedoms against his own intolerance. He’s already started, in his exclusive post-rally interview on FOX. In his speech, he placed himself firmly in the camp of the benevolent Christian God. Then, in a question that simply had to be fed to him on a tiny, plastic Big Bird spoon, he was asked to clarify his earlier statements calling Obama a racist. He said he regrets that statement, and amended it, saying, “I don’t understand Obama’s theology… Liberation theology, which is oppressor and victim.” Outside of his complete misunderstanding of the term – a violent twist that, by the way, calculatingly emphasizes his social-justice-is-unamerican bullshit from a few months ago – is it not retch-inducingly obvious that his speech was not innocuous but a foundation for a new agenda? Let’s do this as simply as possible:

Glenn Beck is a good Christian, and so are you —> Christianity is the only salvation for America —> Glenn Beck understands Christianity, and so is a good one —> But he doesn’t understand Obama’s theology —> Obama’s theology cannot be Christian, and is therefore the enemy ‘other’ Beck alluded to in his speech yesterday —> Oh, and that 20% of Americans that believe the president is a Muslim might not be pulling it directly out of their asses.

This is, of course, all reinforced by Glenn Beck being a prophet, which he totally is, because he subconsciously led you to reach that conclusion about him. How humble he is in the face of that honest-to-goodness miracle of shrewd financial jockeying! How honest and trustworthy, espousing the ideals of Jesus Christ ahead of his own ambition! This guy is a scumbag genius of early pope proportions. Robert Tilton and Ted Haggard are small fries compared to the televangical cunning of Beck, because they didn’t have the foresight to build a political following based on fear before they used God to rape innocents of their cash and dignity. Oral Roberts University’s football team can suck several and varied dicks next to Beck University’s gridiron army.

Did you know, most Canadians are unaware of the ‘theology’ of their leaders? That’s because they don’t care, because they realize a good French Catholic can kill a black hooker in a seedy hotel room as epediantly as a Jew. Sure, publicly announcing your religion can help your constituents assume you hold a set of values that can quickly be looked up in a book (if those values aren’t contrdicted on the next page), but doesn’t that flatten that politician to a 2-dimentional, boring pushover? Again, laziness is encouraged in the political system. FSM forbid you have to learn the specifc ideals of the candidates you are charged with electing. If we all, as Beck suggests, rely on faith on those issues that are just too complicated for us puny humans to comprehend, who the hell is ging to do anything? Justified laziness! If the economic crisis isn’t solved, if more people are killed in hurricanes, it must be because some unworthy American is indulging in sodomy somewhere we can’t see. It can’t be that we just had to buy that hummer, and that government regulations are lax. Do we want a country of politicians and civilians with no sense of personal responsibility, believing God will solve very real problems on Earth? Eat the hairiest, dingleberriest part of my asshole, Glenn Beck, and let me know what your God tells you about those hideous shirt and tie combinations you seem to like to pair with jeans so much. And if you, dear reader, are still planted firmly in Beck’s camp: Do you really want Canada to win?

By Sean “Panty Raid” Torrie
“…You react to my riposte.” – The wonderfully redundant Maximo Park

(Remember: You’re probably high, and “Penguins of Madagascar” is probably on.)

Follow the Irish discussion (read: drunken verbal fisticuffs): Post 1, Post 2

Our dear Mr. Hurley was rarely one I saw as an optimist outside of locations where India Pale Ale were available, but when I see someone else having a more negative outlook on something than I do: I worry. That or I explain that you can’t find the perfect guy because he doesn’t exist and someone’s going to have to pop your shallow little bubble one of these days, and it might as well be someone who does so in a realistic way and then points out that fairy tales aren’t real, and you can’t be a princess after your 21st birthday, unless you actually are royalty. Princess Diana got a divorce, no less.

Mark has always been a bit of a philanthropist in the best way he could be. I’m certain that in no small part this site operates as a means to vent and explain why most people are idiots to the other smart kids. This way we don’t feel stupid for not understanding why other people act the way they do. But when I see his view as our national experiment as a failure, I wonder how close to winning, and breaking our spiritual backs the terrorist efforts are.

I always go back to the Irish, because it’s the crutch I can walk on when I need a minority. I’m sure there were plenty of those scummy Catholics in this country before 1840, but after the potato famine, they were a major issue. The predominantly protestant nation was uncomfortable with what they saw as Rome’s foothold on our eastern shore. Worse yet, stubborn people that we are, I’m sure they were adamant about keeping and aggressively defending their faith and lifestyle as they carried the shattered remains of it to these shores. You can look at this as any other culture-shock our country has had to deal with, but with more booze and tubers.

It took at least 15 years and a civil war before they even kinda gave these pasty bastards a shot, and another 40 or 50 before the Irish transitioned to being just-another-group here. At least they don’t smoke all that opium like those Asians all do. All of them. All Asians smoke poppy resin.

On top of having been a major minority a decade ago, the Muslim population has doubtlessly exploded since… ya know… two or three of their nations have become unlivable after they were… invaded… and they needed somewhere ironic to move to. Despite my personal AIM screen name, and what it implies of my limited faith in humanity, I have a decent amount of faith in our nation’s ability to grow up, admittedly slowly.

What we’re really suffering from right now is entirely too much media, with entirely too much free speech. I realize how much hypocrisy there is in me typing that here. It’s the same problem that I’m seeing with the mosque at ground zero. There is an essential level of lacking good taste.

Good taste dictates that you don’t air assholes that will say ANYTHING for fanfare, and that you don’t give them television shows or websites to continue to spew complete crap. However, there’s a whole lot of money to be made out of bad taste. I use all the music channels as my example, and that’s without making a single Fox News joke, or making puns at the expense of Rachel Maddow.

Because of that, you’ve got media moguls out there that will air what ever they damned well please, because they’ve become so detached from reality because of the absurd amount of money they make that they simply don’t care what they force into the minds of lesser mortals. I have a remedy for this, as I had presented a remedy for the mosque issue: stop watching that crap. The only reason the world feels like it’s falling apart is because we’ve got 100 times as much news coverage as we did 20 years ago, and peace doesn’t sell, but human suffering sure as shit does.

The great Masonic American Experiment hasn’t failed just yet, it’s just bombed another semester. It’s cool, we’re attending a private university where your GPA can move around a whole lot, so long as you keep paying your extortionist tuition, and promise to make it up next semester. Oh, tuition goes up this year, by the way. We should have mentioned that, sorry.

All we have to do is prove that the experiment in the Middle Eastern lab we did on nation-building worked, and not invade any more sorority houses. Also not get caught with any more illegal substances. It’ll be a lot easier if our dorm mate Mexico could curb his drug problem. Maybe if we held an intervention for him it’d improve our overall campus rep.

A retort…

(The plot was so convoluted and obvious, even BROSNAN Bond thinks we’re assholes for missing it.)

Contributor Sean Torrie, while an upstanding gentleman and a friend of the highest credentials, is a verbose prick. While his article on the so-called “Ground Zero Mosque” made some important points, his love of the sound of his own keyboard tapping diluted the argument so that his claim of final-say book-closing on the subject got lost in the translation. I will also chock some of that up to his insidious optimism (that I do not share), both in humanity itself and this experiment we call the United States. Here’s the bare bones, with less of the anecdotal apologetics, and none of the pandering. Seriously, dude, are you considering running for office? I was always under the impression you would be seizing power, to hell with the politics.

Sean was certainly right about one thing: despite our posturing and wailing over the past ten years, despite our cries from the respective religious and political pulpits, the terrorists have officially won. Our reaction to the racquetball courts a Muslim group plans to build near the site is exactly what our attackers intended. But where Sean developed whiskey dick and couldn’t close the deal is where he stopped short of the reality none of us want to face: The United States of America, as an experiment, has failed, from the common man to the tops of our four branches of government (include media before you call me a fuck head). Pack it up, it’s over. The Russians won, the Germans won, the Terrorists won, even the fucking British won. Because in this fundamental issue, this test of our fortitude in the face of what Sean would correctly call the “weakling bully,” we did not live up to the potential we fought every single war in our short history over.

Continue Reading…

Until September 11 rolls around, the 24 hour news networks are going to go to towns on the church in Florida that’s holding a symbolic Koran burning on that day. The best thing to do, for society as a whole, with accomplished Scumbags like these is to ignore the shit out of them. Which is exactly why Scumbag Style has to make a big deal of it, because we have no concern for humanity’s well-being, choosing instead to jump into the over-sized toilet of yellow water and tightly coiled islands the species collectively skinny dips in. MSNBC, as much as FOX News, is going to give them way more attention than they deserve, but this local FOX outlet actually got to interview the head of this church, and that’s where the fun starts:

(Actually, the real party starts around 2:05.)

Holy shit! A book burning is like owning an H2, a public expression of impotence and small dickery. Throwing your gun on your desk in an interview is a statement. Saying you won’t be responsible for the ensuing violence you genuinely expect is the utterance of a Scorsese sociopath. This guy fully expects to cap a hippie within the month; in fact, he’s itching for it like a hippie gave him lice once and he never washed it, in some kind of Batman-like vengeance scenario in which he never wants to forget his true mission. Whether he knows that you need your fricasseein’ hippie license for that down in Florida is the real question. In the immortal words of Vincent from the Top 10 Guy Ritchie tour de force Snatch, “There will be fucking murders.”

This guy could burn as many Korans as he wanted, as I’m sure Gainsville FL’s collection of the holy book totally scratches the surface of the world’s supply, and if we all ignored his ass, that would be the end of it. Just a group of petulant Christians, frustrated at their impotence to control other people. It’s actually better that they take their aggression out, punching the pillow of tolerance until they get tired, masturbate, and go to sleep like teenagers in a homoerotic circle jerk. But where is the fun in that?

So, this guy is going to prison in September, if he doesn’t get his 19th century power-mustache scalped by people who know how to read in the meantime. If I may officially submit my request for that trophy now, the Brillo pad in my sink is starting to look a little haggard.

By Sean “Kiss The Cook’s Cock” Torrie

(Hand me a spatula, baby! There’s a fatwa out on cows and I haven’t jihaded all day!)

I was at my buddy Kane’s place last weekend. He’s been a close buddy of mine for over a decade… but we all make mistakes. He had some guests other than myself and the plan was to grill some burgers and bratwurst. The ladies announced they were hungry, and he agreed that it was time to cook, never hesitant to give a nice girl a healthy dose of his meat, then looked at me and said something along the lines of, “I’ll turn this thing on and get to business unless you’d like to take over.” He paused and looked a bit anxious.

Now, as men, we’ve had most of the manly tasks taken from us for the sake of equality, but fortunately we still have the chief task of cooking outdoors with flame and coal. Everyone with a Y chromosome will rue the day when we formally make that something else we’ve sacrificed to equality. Aware of this fact, I politely said, “Well I don’t want to take the rite from you.” And I did mean rite, not right.

Kane politely responded with an, “Oh no, please, I’d prefer you cook.”

I don’t dick around with food, especially when I’ve been drinking and man the grill. Parties hosted at my home, most notably the soon to be 11th annual New Years party, are always garnished with freshly out-door grilled food, no matter the weather. And unless I drink as much as my Gaelic genes want me to, and accidentally forget there’s a grill for a half an hour, there are always stunning compliments for my hot and abundant meat. Everyone loves my sausage.

Penis.

When I cook, I enjoy the wealth of variety available even in my suburban supermarkets. My all-American-burgers are always soaked in some nice Asian teriyaki, hot dogs are a must, but some German Bratwurst are preferred for the connoisseur of processed meats, I like to get my burgers served on an English muffin for texture, with some Romaine lettuce for effect, and always some nice Indian maize as a side. Perhaps some chicken seasoned in Italian dressing for those of us that don’t like red meat, and Tabasco hot sauce available to top it all.

Yea, you guessed it, I’m warming up for a seemingly unrelated statement.

Lemme tell you why extremist Islam is afraid of us. And I can’t emphasize enough that it’s a branch of the religion, not the entire religion itself. They’re afraid of us because our culture is DELICIOUS. The idea of Westernization passed when Britain gave up India, and was buried when Hong Kong was returned to the Chinese. What you have to call it now is Americanization, because we created TV and the internet, and let us be completely honest: those are the things that run the world now. It’s a fact that Russia had issues with the transition because they have a different alphabet, and our qwerty keyboards were incompatible with their language so they had to adapt to our preferences.

We have, on top of these impenetrable forces of change, placed in them formulas for entertainment that are guaranteed to snatch up the minds of the easily entertained. You aren’t watching Jersey Shore, Intervention, and regularly visiting TMZ because they’re cultured entertainment, you’re watching them because we enjoy watching living shit-shows look terrible, or people do desperate, desperate things for attention at the expense of their families.

When I saw this article in the Times like… an hour ago (because when I get pumped, the text flows the hell out of me),
I could almost hear bombs exploding in a major city some time in the future. Can you imagine how scary Islam Idol has gotta be to the guy living in a cave protecting his mal-adapted faith structure?

What is the world coming to when a silly hat isn't enough to evangelize the youth?

Can you hear Martin Luther (the German guy, not the guy we name crime infested streets after) spinning in his grave mumbling about not planning a social exit strategy for the printing press giving the world the ability to read, and individually interpret the bible, and then cursing this newfangled internet thingy?

I mean… a reality show about Islam? In another country no less! How far reaching can our culture be? I’m afraid the only answer is: inescapable. This, to any culture – not just Muslim extremists – that adheres to not changing and always keeping things the way that they were two or more hundred years ago must be like staring into the face of a man as he puts the finishing touches on his golden calf. The scary thing is that the show is popular, and already plans are set for a second season, which implies that a religious leader for the faith will be selected not once, but twice by the single most American method possible, short of having pundits lie about their abilities for an hour every day for 9 months.

Our culture is so inalienably and powerfully assimilating that even portions of our own population find it scary and confusing (insert callus joke about incest, religion and rednecks here). We have a wonderful knack for shaving off the gristle of your culture, your wife beating, maybe your genital mutilation, perhaps your caste system, and keeping your ideas for food, your work ethic, and especially what South America considers appropriate beach attire. Even when it backfires and you get a whole lot of overweight man-ass that you just didn’t want.

Ah, the things our eyes will endure for a glance at some boobies we will never touch.

At no point in any of this should you consider me making an excuse for irrational violence (the above picture is another story) – though don’t interpret that statement as me being a pacifist; I’m Irish and I even express affection with my fists. I fucking knocked the wind out of my dear editor when I met up with him at a local bar and hadn’t seen him in a year. But then the Irish were never very good at assimilating, just drinking and reproducing. I think what I’m really saying here is: I understand coming from a culture that doesn’t adapt to rules well, but get over it, move a large portion of your population to a single major city in the US, stake a claim in two senators in that state, and stop your explosive whining before we destroy your culture with reality TV worse than we’re doing to our own.

(Take a good hard look at this picture of Katy Perry from wwtdd and then tell me this is a bad idea.)

These guys have the right idea. Two senior Saudi clerics have issued a fatwa saying women should hand over their breast milk to men they want to talk to, so they can drink it, be religiously part of the family, and then they wouldn’t get raped so much for running their inferior female mouths at casual acquaintances.  Wait, I don’t get it. They’re going to kill the breast milk, or the women?

A fatwa (Arabic: فتوى‎), is a legal pronouncement in Islam, issued by a religious law specialist on a specific issue, you dumb bitch. [Wikipedia gets more and more snarky every time I ask it about rapists and murderers.]

Oh, so a fatwa doesn’t immediately mean a Dutch cartoonist is going to get capped? See, it usually means that, so you can see where my confusion came from. Alright, so, by religious law now, chicks have to suction up and hand over the 2% to get a word in through the mouth slit of the burqa? Seems a tad extreme. I mean, isn’t the need for a solution a decent opportunity for an audit of the old fatwa that makes living in modern society impractical?

The fatwa has already generated enough debates and it is likely that the debate over such explicit topics may force the Saudi government to introduce stricter regulations about how and when fatwas should be issued.

This is the topic that’s causing you to reevaluate the fatwa system? The humanitarian oxymoron that is “religious law” has spilled more innocent blood worldwide, and a little breast milk is where you’re drawing the line. That’s what you’re saying. Actually, you should hire Tipper Gore, she’d love this. Senseless violence for everybody, but mention a natural bodily function and we have a crucifix earmarked for your ass.

That’s all beside the point of course. The lesson we need to take from this is that nature solves everything. We could learn from these guys. Like how nature provided us with tons of seagulls and baby otters to sop up the oil spill with. They’re just adorable little disposable ShamWows, born of Mother Nature so that we don’t have to internalize anything and dick out the real culprit, and we’re sending Dawn Dish Soap down there to save them. Seriously, do you save your Mexican maid from scrubbing the goat vomit out of your carpet after last night’s inter-species orgy? Do you save the bartender from getting you another G+T by honking her boobs and getting bounced?

Frankly, the Arabs are thinking way farther out of the box than we are (approx. a foot and a half). They’ve realized that the road less traveled isn’t as easy as the one that leads straight to Crazy Town, Pop: Everybody Else. It’s way easier to invent a new law than having to fish out the comparatively less crazy law that caused the problem in the first place, and we need to close the dumbfuck gap for mom and apple pie. Give up the dirty dairy, ladies, or the terrorists win.

Now will you tell me where the fucking bus station is?

The silver lining here is that every time anybody agrees on anything over there, they just change into new, tighter pairs of anger-panties to bunch up. Seriously, these two top Clerics have the same retard plan (that will, admittedly, put a nice Band-Aid over the gaping fourth hole dug into Lady Justice for a more effective state sanctioned gang rape), but are ready to suicide bomb each other over the specifics. Social terrorist #1 believes the women should milk themselves in private, and then present it to the man in a glass at a later time. Because we don’t want to cross the line into privacy invasion, or anything. The phrase, “Here, I just sucked this out of my tit in the bathroom, would you like to drink it?” goes from sexy-as-fuck to just-this-side-of-uncomfortable when it becomes a legal prerogative. It becomes more like, “If you don’t go into the bathroom right now and siphon me some tit juice, I’m going to make a game of inventing the flimsiest reason to rape you I can, and laugh when it’s held up in what we laughably call a court system.”  I’d put that kind of uncomfortable on par with asking the locals where the nearest Starbucks is in Green River, Utah. I did that once. When they laughed at me, it was just like being raped.

So, that’s out. Any dissenters? Social terrorist #2, this can only be good:

Obeikan’s remarks were followed by an announcement by another powerful Saudi cleric Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini, who asked women to allow the men to suckle the milk directly from their breast.

Bingo! This is just what I’m talking about. We’re supposed to be the smartest nation in the world, and we haven’t figured out a way to make sucking the boobies of strangers a law? My boy Al Huwaini is a genius among drooling simpletons, and he deserves a medal. How about a Peace Prize? They hand those out to anybody nowadays, and this guy just figgered how to downgrade ritual rape to forced second base. Now that you’ve solved the worldwide problem of not-enough-gazongas-in-my-mouth, what are your thoughts on the world economy and stuff like that we’re only taught to know three words at a time about?

The best part about this? We get to be giggling fifth graders about a subject that’s never been all that funny before: class warfare. How will we shame poor people for not obeying allah’s commandments when they apply to something all women have? We must differentiate how our grown men breast feed from those heathens in the other sects! It will be fun when Muslim yuppies start homogenizing and bottling their breast milk. “I only take my breast milk churned into a fine, sharp Manchego. What do you take me for, a Shiite?” Suddenly you’ve got Hood and Garelick turning into sleazy multinational corporations, independent contracting missiles to kill people over lactose intolerance alternatives that ARE AFFRONTS TO THE PROPHET!

(“Trust me, it’s sterile. The only raping here is Marlboro prices. Criminal! Hahaha! Bend over.”)

Pinch my perineum, because there is no way I’m not dreaming this news story out of New Jersey from NBC NY: NJ Officials Investigate Botched Booty Boosts. That’s some spiffy alliteration for what the video news report goes on to say is a medical concern of Kim “Badonkulous” Kardashian proportions. I’ll let Religious Programming Emmy Award winning correspondent Lynda Baquero revive and refresh an old standby:

The new Jersey health department is trying to get the word out about someone who is offering to enhance women’s rear ends, by using an injection that includes, believe it or not, cock.”

She went on to say, “Too late, bitches, you already forked over the Emmy.” Wait, hold on. OH! “Caulk.” See, you went with the antiquated and misleading medium of video reporting and we, the humble transcribers, come off as so much low rent closed captioners with tourettes.  Don’t crucify her yet, because the only excuse for irresponsible journalism is if it makes immature people do a spit take and feel good about the fact that they bothered to wake up. As far as I’m concerned, the report did not last even half as long as it should have, but the interviews yielded some goodies:

“Have you ever heard of caulk being used in someone’s body before?”

Did they say how the caulk felt in their bums? Was it something of an uncomfortable, full feeling, like you have to drop a deuce the size and shape of a walrus with elephantiasis? Well, Lynda, it was a miracle they could handle all that caulk in their rear ends, there was an awful lot of it. It’s a good thing this didn’t happen in the Middle East. You can get buried alive for having that kind of injection. Whachu gonna do with all that junk?

“Authorities say these women survived because they got swift medical attention.”

My word, that’s some powerful caulk. Hospital grade shit. Isn’t “medical attention” what got them into trouble in the first place? Some people never learn. Listen ladies, as a professed ass man, I was reticent to bring this story to the masses, because I would never want to discourage the Mix-A-Lot treatment. The report goes on to warn that you consult real physicians before offering your ass up for slicing in the back of the corner liquor store (it’s right next to the hardware store, dummy), as that was the mistake these Jersey sluts made, but that seems like a lot of work. I say: Just go for it. When the moment comes, and you hear your doctor/meth dealer giggling, it’s a good possibility that he’s about to turn your pooper into a living, jiggling pun. That’ll be your cue to take your business elsewhere, like a Mexican bait shop. Glad we had this talk.

"your waist is small and your curves are kickin, and I'm thinkin bout stickin" - Baby Got Back, circa 1992

By this, the good Sir was not, in fact, referring to industrial grade adhesives. But you should sue him for misleading women anyway, so he has to do another dumb Burger King and Sponge Bob cross-promotion for permission to sift through the dumpsters for food for another six months.

(This beautiful pastoral dreamscape of a space consuming, under-functional apartment building in the middle of nowhere brought to you by the letter knucklehead.)

I ran across this double slice of crazy a while ago, and almost immediately dismissed it as that kind of crazy everyone tolerates because no one takes it seriously, like the black guy that puts on flamboyant costumes and dances while yelling at cars on the corner of Fort Apache and Sahara. Not really hurting anyone, been doing it for years, kind of comfortable like a birthmark shaped like testicles: always been there, not pretty but amusing nonetheless. Now I’m thinking that this Jacque Fresco guy and his Venus Project is less like a harmless dancing brother and more like the ginger kid throwing pennies off of bridges (What? Gingers are troubled): Probably a little crazy, and definitely dangerous. I had a nice, enjoyable little post on boobs to write today, but let’s look at this French “scientist” and his 25 year old project a little more closely first, because he is now my favorite person.

I was reintroduced to the concept of The Venus Project by a buddy of mine that is a big fan of Fresco’s. I won’t say my friend’s name because he’s the reason we’re talking about science and not the pleasanter subject of boobs, and I don’t want you throwing rocks at his loved ones. So I went back and familiarized myself with the concepts, in order that I might participate in the discussion. They seem capable of summing it up in a video lasting 1:50, so I’ll take a stab at it, and you can head over to the site later and tell me how much my being right makes you want to have my babies anally. The concept is simple: Restructure society to reflect Humanity’s advanced technological stage of development, creating a moneyless society in which robots build awesome stuff like underwater cities and other cool stuff Gene Roddenberry might have envisioned. Also, look at the pretty Photoshopped future pictures.

You just invented socialism! Don’t take that as an insult, dude. I’m on board. When can we roll up our sleeves, and how can we make it happen? Let’s do the FAQ, an ages old business dance in which promises are made, and still nobody goes home satisfied. Kind of like if grinding had a mission statement. Still, with such a simple concept, there’s got to be at least some answers, right? After the cut…

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A few years ago, I read that whoever wrote the gospels and put the “turn the other cheek” line in Christ’s mouth was not referring to pacifism, but to continuing to fight for your beliefs in the face of someone potentially kicking the shit out of you for fighting for them. In that regard, American Christians are showing all four cheeks in the fight to remove what little legitimacy this country can lay claim to in our wars in the Middle East, and on the government dime.

Coded references to New Testament Bible passages about Jesus Christ are inscribed on high-powered rifle sights provided to the U.S. military by a Michigan company, an ABC News investigation has found. The sights are used by U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and in the training of Iraqi and Afghan soldiers. The maker of the sights, Trijicon, has a $660 million multi-year contract to provide up to 800,000 sights to the Marine Corps, and additional contracts to provide sights to the U.S. Army.

If the sheer buffoonery of that quote didn’t hit you like a midget dropped from the Empire State Building, read it again. Armed forces, extensions of our government, are sending our boys into fundamentalist Islam psycho-town with wacky, state of the art murder machines that highlight the glory of Jesus; and not the jealous, Hebrew god that championed Joshua and his ilk. Jesus. These are New Testament, do-unto-others, love-thy-neighbor, son-of-almighty-god passages. Trying to outline every single problem this outrageous situation raises would be like trying to bruise every inch of a rhinoceros with a Japanese paper fan.

By all accounts, Trijicon are the scope fucking masters. You want a scope made for your military grade killing machine, these are your guys. In that regard, you’ll hear no complaints about my military getting the Tony Stark Special. If we’re going to be fighting these wars, let’s win expediently, try not to lose too many Americans, and sort out the war criminals after. But don’t you dare try to justify fighting these people because of their crazy, backwards, murderous religion. You gave that right up when the device you’re using to kill not only proclaims the goodness of a figure from another religion, but a figure who’s whole deal was peace. What exactly make us better than them, again? You’re walking a thin line with the morally dubious oil argument now, too, because Jesus doesn’t give two shits how you get your Hyundai around.

On a somehow smaller scale, this kind of thing puts the lives of our captured soldiers in even more jeopardy. And what are his captors supposed to think when they find this watery, diapery garbage on a U.S. soldier’s gun? Crusade, that’s what, and that’s not an exaggeration or overreaction. Government propaganda itself has told us for going on a decade that this is how these people think. The quote referenced on the sight in the above picture says, “For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” BLAM! You’re dead in the name of Jesus, which is now synonymous with apple pie, baseball, and… well, guns. Here’s another good one:

Other references include citations from the books of Revelation, Matthew and John dealing with Jesus as “the light of the world.” John 8:12, referred to on the gun sights as JN8:12, reads, “Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Everybody else can suck the business end of my holy gat. Come the fuck on! Who, in their right minds, would want to give nutjob jihadists any justification for saying they were shot at by Jesus rifles? Now that ABC has run the story, the military has denied knowledge of the existence of the verse headings on the guns. But reports from soldiers say their commanders have referred to the guns as “spiritually transformed firearm[s] of Jesus Christ.” So either the people who signed the $660 million contract didn’t inspect the merchandise, or they are trying to cover their pious, proselytizing asses because they damned well knew how wrong this was. Either of those scenarios are about as appealing as licking diarrhea off of the 11AM shift girl at the strip club.

Spokespeople for the U.S. Army and the Marine Corps both said their services were unaware of the biblical markings. They said officials were discussing what steps, if any, to take in the wake of the ABCNews.com report.

“If any” means they are biding their time because they think they are going to get away with it, as they have been for 23 years, buying the same branded merch from the same company. And they might again, judging by the comments under what should have been the most scandalizing story of 2010. The best ones are the ones like this:

“To me it is perfectly clear that all of the bits and pieces that led to the orders from that particular company proves that God Himself is interested enough to inspire the people who do the ordering to order from that company rather than some other equally well equipped to make the gun sites. So I say to the nay sayers, do not think for one minute that God does not want these particular gunsites to be used.”

Then there are plenty of people who are just all about killing and dying in the name of Christ, without apology or justification outside of quoting more scripture. New plan, no more proving the truth of scripture with more scripture. It is the epitome of ignorance. Then there’s the “this country was founded on Christian beliefs and religious freedom” crowd (which is crap, but whatever), whose arguments carry more weight on domestic issues where people aren’t getting their asses shot off and there has to be a unifying, nation-wide reason why.

Then, of course, there are the people that argue Trijicon is a private company and can do whatever they want under the first amendment, as if getting shot with a rifle the government bought is as much of a choice as eating at In-N-Out because those Jesus nuts make one tasty fucking burger. This thing isn’t even trending on Twitter, though Pat Robertson’s old fart comments enraged enough people to make the cut, not to mention Simon Cowell leaving American Idol. If we had our heads any farther up our asses we could paint a target on our own puckered rosebuds, because our hands would be the only parts of our top half in the sun.

This isn’t, as some have suggested, simply an atheist issue. It’s not even just an issue for the people of other faiths in this country that are represented by the soldiers deployed in the Middle East, or even the soldiers that subscribe to other faiths themselves. Sure, I have trouble with my country representing me overseas with poor taste and a religion I find ludicrous. But, where is the Christian outrage? Outside of creatively interpreted metaphors about light and darkness, when did Jesus ever promote violence? The guy was a hippy, for his sake. Do you not have a problem with the twisting of your savior’s words to nefarious ends? That’s not to mention that our international reputation is already as a nation of backwards, bible-thumping loonies (that’s British for crazy people). Listen, guys, we have finally found something we can agree on, let’s not fight over the semantics of why we don’t want the imprints on the sights, let’s do something about this (my letter to my representative is in the mail, for all the good it will do) before the situation gets even more out of hand than it already has.

(Yeah, not a lot of jokes. Still a little angry.)

(While civilized nations around the world asked religious institutions to kindly clean the sand out of their vaginas, Ireland had the courage to ask “Why?”)

Leave it to the whiskey swilling, child molesterin’ Micks to come up with a great idea and quietly put it into law before the rest of the world noticed, making me so proud to be 80% descendant from them. They just barely learned to feed themselves, find a corner to shit in, and stop being the pig tools of the Italian mafia, and they are now global leaders in policy making for the new world Theocracy.  Blasphemy.ie reports (thanks John) that Ireland is kicking off the new decade with a new blasphemy law that comes with a big 25,000 Euros (funny munny) fine.

The new law defines blasphemy as publishing or uttering matter that is grossly abusive or insulting in relation to matters held sacred by any religion, thereby intentionally causing outrage among a substantial number of adherents of that religion.

“Matter” like anything that questioned geocentrism a few centuries ago? Or “matter” like evolution today? Mmmm, oppression. The decision marks an inevitable end to the decade long party in Ireland of leading the world in progressive ideals, such as contributing an unprecedented percentage of public funds to the art community, not to mention becoming one of the fastest growing computer industry and business markets on the planet. As most of us know, the hangover after a decade-long bender of cultural growth and dragging your ass out of the third world by your bagpipe straps is a bitch, and often leads to lashing out at the innocent. Somebody get those guys some comfort food and a bloody mary, stat. You know, before they make taking a bath illegal because that layer of dirt and filth protects you from the plague, and psychologists revert to the 4 Humours for diagnoses.

The best part about this is that “Islamic States led by Pakistan are already using the wording of this Irish law to promote new blasphemy laws at UN level.” It’s always a hoot when supposedly civilized European nations can be an example to the oppressive fundamentalist dictatorships that hate them. Nothing like a little good-old fashioned Dark Ages politics to set this world straight. Good thing the USA has Ireland to look up to, because the most faith-mired, bible-ignorant, Jesus monkey developed nation in the world might never have come up with this on its own.

We’re talking about a country in which it is not even illegal to burn or otherwise desecrate the national flag. While the Irish are certainly correct to literally institute Medieval laws western civilization gave up as silly and dangerous centuries ago, and while they don’t have a solid free speech statute like the First Amendment, they have to be wary of stupid liberals like historians who might have something to say about learning from past mistakes. Mistakes like not having to defend your faith, and therefore not having to think about it, until the justification weakens and you have to launch the Crusades and kill a bunch of people so as not to look like an idiot.  I don’t suppose anybody remembers that Galileo fellow? That guy was a blasphemous dick. Don’t make me get out my Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The problem (outside of how this law can possibly be enforced) is, someone always has sand in their vagina about something, and instead of cleaning them, they’re often allowed to blame the affliction on people who never invited them to the beach in the first place. If artists, writers, scholars and the like aren’t allowed to challenge their ideas, the result is inevitably disasterous. Take the much publicized Danish Press scandal, in which a picture of Muhammed was published, despite the fact that people living thousands of miles away in a desert hell-hole of religious oppression, corrective rape, and 14 year old pregnant wives found it offensive. It seemed we all came to the conclusion that criticism of the backwards, inane practices of any institution is not only responsible journalism, but downright imperative. Ireland must have been drunk when that memo came around and drawn a bunch of dicks on it. Personal responsibility is an underrated concept throughout the world, and when people aren’t called upon to justify the beliefs they want to impose on other people, militant fundamentalism cannot be far behind. Criticism falls squarely in the realm of free speech no matter the subject, and if your religion cannot cope with how free speech makes it look like the most ridiculous concept ever conceived, capable of providing justification for any number of crimes and cultural setbacks, maybe free speech isn’t the problem.

No matter your thoughts on the subject, the timing certainly couldn’t be better. Not a month ago, the BBC finally started seriously looking into the pedophilia accusations from victims of the Irish Roman Catholic Church. With these new laws, Bishops won’t have to go through the time-consuming bother of transferring rapist priests to other dioceses to keep them from being brought to justice (not that there seems to be any public outcry for it) and giving the Church the bad reputation it avoided when it caused the middle ages, and made it so that we are still trying to attain the level of reason and intelligence displayed by the Roman Empire. They can just have the parents of the abused children arrested. Illegal to diddle pre-pubescent altar boys? Blasphemy.

The best thing to do, my friends and fans in Ireland, is to be vigilant. Don’t let the Catholics get the lion’s share of convictions. That’s right, I want you to big brother the crap out of that country, and, with extreme efficiency and prejudice, call out anyone who badmouths Satan. Satanism is a religion, and I’ll not have those good, devout people feel persecuted or uncomfortable in any way. You don’t have to go far, priests call Satan all kinds of ugly, disparaging names on stage, right there in their fancy, stained-glass, hate houses. Let’s see how many priest imprisonments and Church fines it takes for Ireland to realize this law is the epitome of fucktarded.