(Well, she managed to wear the sofa upholstery and wax her eyebrows, and nobody knows where she found that sticker, but she’s definitely ready to bring a gun to a night club and start dating other women for attention.)

Good news, people I’ve never met that are invested in her: Susan Boyle is no longer afraid of fame. She’s moved on to apples and flushing toilets. The people that stand to make money off of her career tried to toss Corky into a room with strobe lights and a blaring techno remix of Happy Birthday, metaphorically speaking, but no dice. Boyle has weathered her first year of diaper pissing popularity, and has her hands confidently wrapped around the reins like the neck of a rabbit that needed too much love.

The 48-year-old spinster told US TV show ‘CBS Sunday Morning’: “I was like a scared child before, but I’m not the scared person I used to be. I had to learn how to deal with a lot of publicity, and the glare of attention. And that takes a bit to get used to. But I got there in the end!”

I bet she got two whole shortbread cookies from her managers for adding the I-used-the-potty exclamation point at the end. But guys, why is Contact Music referring to Mudbutt MacMiserables as a spinster? Are the Brits not proud enough of Russell Brand that they have to go on pretending their only other celebrity isn’t retarded? What are they trying to sell, “Sorry, old chap, but I’m afrayd all Scottish people looke and act like that. It’s not all Mel Gibson and Highlander and all that Hollywood bunk, though they doe share a love of finger painting. It is a national shame, I’m afraid.” Yes, it is perfectly normal for someone to do this while waiting for a flight:

“It was chaos. Susan was very restless and agitated from the minute she walked in and immediately started making a scene. She was singing and dancing around… belting out songs into a mop head… shouting obscenities at full volume,” says one spywitness.

Browsing the bookstore and grabbing some Sbarro’s was clearly out of the question. She doesn’t do drugs, so the breakdown wasn’t a Courtney Love episode, and she’s a spinster, so it is doubtful the syphilis got her like Lindsay Lohan. Definitely wasn’t the mind of a four year old that made her orally shit tourettes into a mop in a building you can’t get in or out of without a cavity check. I admit to succumbing to cabin fever when I can’t exit an airport for a cigarette, but I am almost positive nobody had to cover their kids’ ears when I hit the duty free store for a pint of cheap Fuckitall.

Following her performance on the final of ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ – in which she finished runner-up – Susan was admitted to The Priory in London, where she was treated for exhaustion.

Yeah, she was exhausted because you bumped her up from potty training to international singing sensation in the course of a television season. What the hell is exhaustion that you need rehab for it? Is that like having Humours? Like, “Rock legend Keith Richards was checked into rehab today for being ’spleeny’?” He was an addict! Susan Boyle was ‘exhausted’ from being addicted to drooling and eating mud, but to her credit, she’s better now because she said so. She is capable of having everything handed to her for acting like a trained monkey a month or two out of the year, just like a real celebrity.

When asked if she still pinched herself, she squeezed her arm and said: “Yeah, certainly yes! I can vouch for it! I’ve just done it!

The interviewer meant to say, “…because of your success,” but I will put money on that fact that Susan didn’t get that. She’s been pinching herself since she could walk because she could. You have to be more literal with these people, because they think like Bugs Bunny tunnels through the ground: They may get to where you’re at, but the journey will always involve a wrong turn at Albuquerque and hilarious adventures will ensue first. In the meantime you just kick started an old habit of self-mutilation she forgot about in 2006 when a bowl of wax fruit distracted her. Good job, reporter.

(Eh, we should probably just let this one go. He’s going to be real disappointed when he gets out.)

So you say you want something even more stupidly polarizing than the newly announced Ipad release? You’re tired of hearing OS idealists, whose minds will never change, fight like girls, with one side saying, “OMG new Apple product, I hope I don’t piss myself in girlish glee,” and the other saying, “So I can insert my Ipod and my Iphone, how about my Inutsack?” while lewdly grabbing their crotches?* Do you just want to scream, “Then don’t fucking buy it!”? Or, “That sounds like an electronic panty-liner with headphones!”? Well here’s something you can’t avoid, because by law you are required to watch the Super Bowl, and the big game makes everything, even Dominos and beer that tastes like piss, as important as a yearly visit to the gynecologist.

The short of it is, Focus on the Family somehow gathered the 3 mil or so it takes to advertise on CBS during the Super Bowl, and used the opportunity to get Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and his mom to talk for the duration of the ad about Focus’ pro-life message. Seems Tebow’s mother chose to give her son life in the face of some pretty tough odds, and as a result we have an guy who is over paid to play a game, so abortion is bad.  On the surface, it is a tad annoying that proselytizing is something you’d want to impose during the Super Bowl, but perfectly within the realm of allow-ability. Hey, they came up with the bones, and that seems to be enough for CBS, and therefore should be enough for the hundred bajillion people of all faiths and political ideologies that are going to be drinking heavily and getting really angry and competitive about things they see on television while watching the Super Bowl. Timothy McVeigh says, “Good idea.”

But if it were that easy, everybody could just relax, and we need to keep up our global lead on heart attacks and “having a cow.” The problem, according to the people who want the ad pulled, stems from a lack of precedent — indeed, a standing policy against — among those airing Super Bowls to allow commercial time to any political entity or advocacy group with nothing tangible to sell except their ability to whip their dicks out. They also like to throw around hyperbole and rhetoric like it’s food fight day at Tiger Woods’ sex rehab (I think I just grossed myself out). NARAL Pro-Choice America says:

Focus on the Family has an unmistakable anti-choice, anti-birth-control, anti-sex-education, anti-gay agenda. If that isn’t bad enough, its views on women are just plain insulting and dangerous. For example, its web site urges women facing an unintended pregnancy to seek “wise advice” because “the hormones and extreme emotions of pregnancy make reasonable decisions more difficult.”

Tell us how you really feel, NARAL. You’ve got the demonizing of the other side down pat, right down to the anti-buzzwords. After all “danger” is the number one cause of fear. But to truly be considered Hitler-esque, you should be more specific, like “Fetuses are taking over the banks.” And you might have to kill some bitches, though Christians already have you pegged for that. Oh, and that last bit, while probably a direct quote, was not given proper citation, so context goes the way of last night’s 3 pound burrito. No, you continue to be the spokespeople for that side of the debate. When someone on your side says, “Who died and made you advocate?” just say “Ted Kennedy.”

Read more ridiculousness after the jump.

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