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Tag Archives: pussy
Sexy Ed
By Ms Lori Hey there. My name is Lori, and I am here to take you to school. Yes, darling, I know you don’t want to go to school. There is just such a glut of elitist intellectual smarty-pants propaganda floating around this country, that we could all use a little less school and a little more common Bible sense. And not only that, book-learnin’ is so hard. So I thought that, as your teacher, maybe I could pop a few blouse buttons, put my finger in my mouth, and make you hard for education. Recent History 101 (If you know the story, you may skip this section, but I will be talking about my vagina, and it will be on the test. My vag, I mean. I dip it in red ink and leave a nice little lip hug for all my A students.)* I’d like to introduce you to Jessica Ahlquist. A lot of you may know her from the death threats you sent her and her family. Some of you may even remember promising to rape her, mostly from the safe, cowardly anonymity of the internet. Some of you have done it in person, in public, and for that I applaud you. For those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is female, like I totally am, and she is a sixteen year old high school student from Rhode Island. And she is an atheist, so her opinion doesn’t count. Still, Jessica is the newest champion of constitutional civil rights in the US, and many regard her as a hero. Just the excitement of her young age and her superior reasoning skills make my nips all hard. Go ahead, feel your screen. Can you feel that? I’m working on two semi-symmetrical avocado pits here. Nine months ago: … Finish reading this sumbitch!
This Man Is A Teacher
My dearest Tom Hoopes: I first encountered your work when a Catholic friend of mine pointed me toward an article in which you speak briefly about Christopher Hitchens, a great hero of mine who recently passed away. It was condescending as all get out, but it was chock full of underhanded compliments, and seemed to be relatively thoughtful. It is, of course, gratifying to see a great American champion of humanist ideals remembered fondly by members of the non-secular class, so I decided I might read some more of your work. The first article I read was entitled “Six Myths About Atheism,” and I have to say, the title excited me, because I assumed you were a man of thought, and perhaps you’d be spending your time dispelling some of the myths that are propagated amongst the religious about non-believers. The article turned out to be the epitome of those very lies: a carelessly thought out bigoted bit of blatant propaganda, a brainwashing tool to keep the hate for atheists alive among the religious. My first thought was of completely ignoring it. After all, ignorance abounds in your community, trying to change one mind in the sea of under-used brains you call a church leaves one feeling impotent and frustrated. As my beautiful wife put it, quoting someone else: “Never argue with an idiot. They´ll drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience.” On the other hand, several of my friends and readers across Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, etc. expressed concern that I said that all of your points were entirely wrong, your research was ass-on-fire, and your intentions were entirely malicious, so I decided that I might address your points and show you why you’re an untalented, proselytizing asshole. After all, even you said in your article … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Feminism Devolved
Huffington Post’s Comedy Page editor Carol Hartsell did the predictable thing and managed to turn a page normally devoted to funny things into a sopping vagina fest from the 1980s. Seriously, listen to this backwards, old school feminist crap: We have to admit, as fans of comedy and women in comedy especially, my fellow editors and I die a little bit every time [a female comedian gets naked for a men´s magazine]. [Huffington Post] Uh, while you’re thinking about that, who’s thinking about dinner? Aside from my stomach. And my whuppin’ arm. Go ahead and read the pre-op-ed. Generously, Carol makes the sympathetic concession that sometimes women have no choice. Men are stupid, so to keep their attention, show your boobies while you tell your joke. Otherwise you may never have a career. Men will laugh at your joke if you get sexy for them, even if they don´t understand why, like a dog will salivate when you condition him to like peanut butter and nutsack. She continues by pretending there´s a normal way to think, which gives me so much faith in her hilarity: Conventional wisdom says that funny women are intimidating, so why not take yourself down a peg — or article of clothing — or two to make yourself a little more approachable? Well, I, for one, am insulted. “Lowering” themselves? I’d hate to think that every woman who took off her clothes for my entertainment was “lowering herself.” Are my sexual fantasies not a classy enough joint to strip down to your lacies in? Conventional wisdom says you just hurt my feelings. At a time when so many men feel comfortable saying, “I don’t find women funny,” it doesn’t sit well with us to see many of those same men rewarded with getting to see actual … Finish reading this sumbitch!