Stick It:
Twatted
Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
Tag Archives: president
Does This Mean No More Gentleman’s Mags?
The threat is that Kim Kardashian intends to become a politician. What the fuck ever, at this point. Has our political discourse over the last decade or so been any more intelligible than a drunken four-way bitch fight on E! over who used the last tampon? Not for nothing, she’s better loved than Gingrich, smarter than Bush, she isn’t overtly evil, she has a nicer, thicker ass than Hilary, she has… just an outstanding record with minorities… And if she doesn’t quite know as much about business as Mitt Romney, being only a mega-mogul, she at least hasn’t had the ethics center of her brain completely removed. Wouldn’t it be cool to have legions of 16 year-old girls and 13 year-old boys know who the hell the mayor of Glendale, CA is? When was the last time we could boast that? 90% of these kids don’t know who the Vice President is. The problem is, Kim, I have watched you getting railed. Thousands of people have watched you having sex. It was boring. If you can’t rustle up enough passion for the brother of someone who was famous in the 90s, how is your electorate to believe you won’t go into a coma the moment an aide says the word ‘budget’? Complaining about an objectively attractive woman’s inability to keep her clothes on is like asking the waitress to take your meal back because there are more chicken wings than you paid for on your plate. Still, I am almost positive the American public has what their media overlords like to call ‘standards’ when it comes to their politicians. Not the kind of standards that would allow them to distinguish a man whose job it was to fire hundreds of poor, hapless bastards from a job creator. Not the kind … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Careful, They Might Be Watching You Read This
Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean the Vatican isn’t conducting a clumsy shadow war against the United States. Seriously, judging by the color coded yarn connecting newspaper articles across my bedroom walls, there have been a few too many kooky coincidences for my overactive imagination to simply dismiss like so much Costa Rican hooker. Just just just just look. Look at this news from Kansas, where Republicans are advancing a bill that would legalize discrimination and bullying of homosexuals in that state, so long as it is done for religious reasons. But that isn’t really the news, is it? Republicans have been playing chicken with blatantly medieval laws since Obama took office, kind of playing keep-away with the Bill of Rights. That’s just the cover story, the part to keep your impotent moral outrage diverted from the puppeteers: “…one of the sponsors of this bill is the Kansas Catholic Conference.” (Addicting Info) I was never familiarized with the semantics of passing bills, but sponsoring? Like a pizza joint sponsors a pee-wee soccer team? Do they get to just slap a crucifix right on the law so that everyone who reads it starts watering at the mouth for Christ? Or are they just signing their names to the preliminary paperwork to go ahead and influence policy directly, without paying us? Whatever. If you think this is an isolated incident, you have been playing right into the hands of the MAN. You’re blind, man, you’re bliiiiind. Check out Arizona, where a law was just defeated that would have made contraception harder to get for working women, and would have severely violated their privacy in that very personal regard. Dance, lonely goatherd, dance! The Republican-sponsored bill is supported by social conservatives and Roman Catholic bishops who say it protects the religious freedom … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Hardcore Hypotheticals
When I cast my vote for Barack Obama, I admit to a certain amount of bandwagoning, and not a little political masturbation. I imagined our fresh, young, muscly president mounting the podium in Congress on his first day and proceeding to rip assholes left and right, like a blind Incredible Hulk at an orgy. Against gay marriage? “You’re a curmudgeonly old bigot,” Barry would lay it out, street like, and fix the bullshit laws. Slave to lobbyists? “You’re a friggin’ traitor, and your votes won’t count until you shed the corporate weight.” Just firing off the shocker left and right with his other two arms. Are you drafting laws in the face of scientific fact like global warming and evolution? “Hey, from now on, asshole, we listen to experts, and not greedy dumbfucks with something to gain.” Spewing hyperbolic, partisan doomsday language on either side of the isle? “I order you to smoke two joints a day until you learn to calm the fuck down.” The big climax would come when he said, “Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it deserves any credence.” Just splooging rationalism all over the front rows of the gallery like the sexiest Gallagher show ever. Money shot. Sometimes, if I had trouble getting to philosophical nirvana, I’d have him throw in something about how European Socialism is pretty neat, and that, no, in fact, he’s not a Muslim, he’s an atheist. “Can’t do nothin’ about it now, sucka. I already got the keys!” Since then, even though pundits love to call Obama a radical secular leftist with no concern for process, he’s been everything but what we elected him to be. If you seriously think Obama is radical, you should see the alternate universe where he actually did what we hired him to … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Afternoon Quickies: You Got Yer Jesus In My Peanut Butter Edition
… peanut butter meaning, of course, politics, football, and bananas. This here´s the Jesus Toaster, which we think is… just great. For the pittance of 35 smackers, you too can experience the miracle of His Divine Presence in foodstuffs normally reserved for the unwashed ignorants of Central and South America´s poorer countries. Every morning! Because in no way does the ability to recreate, at will, what used to be priceless manifestations of God´s love cheapen the experience. For you bulemics, the Tim Tebow version is set to be released soon, so you won´t even have to shove a finger down your throat to stay thin and toothless all year ´round. (Christian Post) Tenesseehas responded to teen bullying suicides by introducing a bill that would make it alright for school children to harass homosexuals, as long as they do it for Jesus. Kind of like a birthday present for the guy who literally has everything. The idea is that not being able to call a homosexual peer a faggot in school, or tell him he´s going to hell, is an infringement on the Christian student´s first amendment rights. This is another thing Scumbag Style can throw our whole weights behind. Cast those first stones, friends, because, on religious grounds, I think you´re a hopeless pile of elephant dooks whose ignorance is poisoning the very gene pool we all have to swim in, and if you were forcefully sterilized, the Earth itself would benefit, not to mention my invisible best friend who hates you inherently. Also, you have cooties. And I will say this in front of everyone you have to spend 12 miserable years of your life with. Then we´ll see who´s shooting up with his mom´s Windex and writing a wimpy tear-stained letter. (SMV Nashville) After last night´s frankly stunning … Finish reading this sumbitch!
… If You Want It
War is over, bitches! Happy Xmas! Seriously, World War II ended not 48 hours ago, and it all happened in my humble adoptive country, three blocks from where I live, in Costa Rica. Very exciting times down here, filled with diplomats, and The story seems to be that, during WWII, just like the rest of the allies, Costa Rica was all, ¨Yeah! Fuck those guys,¨and Hitler was like, ¨Blow those bitches up,¨like he did from time to time. And history might have been less kind to the tiny state had Hitler been able to actually find Costa Rica on a map before his notoriously short attention span made him say ¨screw it¨and the tiny Central American country was spared. Good thing too. I don´t know how much history you read, but the disposition of almost all of the other countries south of Mexico at the time was decidedly rape-and-pillage-y. And so, CR was able to live up to May 2011, happy in its relative obscurity and apparent invisibility powers until they elected a woman president and she ruined everything with her bleeding everywhere and her two hour hair and makeup routines. Costa Rica greeted Christian Wulff, the president of Germany, to a display of the best of San José’s cultural offerings Tuesday night. After a brief meeting between Wulff and Costa Rica President Laura Chinchilla in the early evening, the Cultural Ministry lit up the downtown National Theater with an impressive light and firework show, which was set to the backdrop of music provided by the National Symphony and several dance and song performances. (Tico Times) No! Chinchilla! Bad looks, babe. Seriously, the only thing that got CR through its shit talking in the 1940s, without being shoved wholecloth into a Vermont sized oven was the fact that Germans have no … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Here’s Your Award For Not Trying To Kill EVERYBody
They just don’t show the best awards on TV. Remember that Bush guy, president for 8 years, started that whole Iraq war with the help of his cabinet, former governor of the state that proudly puts more prisoners to death than the rest of the civilized world combined? In October of this year, 2009, “The Humanity of the Unborn Child Pro-Life Award… was given to the former President ‘in recognition of [his] resolve and initiatives in the protection of human life,’” says LifeSiteNews.com, who thinks that is a reasonable thing to do. The award means nothing, in the long run. For one, it was given in Canada, the land of funny names like Saskatoon and Saskatchewan, so it doesn’t even count. So there’s no real reason to get your panties in a bunch over the monstrous hypocracy inherent in this situation. And Bush really was solid for eight years of presidency on his stance to keep abortion illegal, so by definition he certainly does qualify for the award. The article even points out that “the pro-life group acknowledged that many are wary of or even scoff at the claim that President Bush was a ‘pro-life’ president, given his role in initiating the Iraq war,” before promptly claiming that civilian casualties of war, while a real bummer, are not nearly as bad as abortions. It’s all very justifiable, when you contort it painfully the right way. And really, doesn’t the school bully deserve to get Student of the Month because he stauchly refused to beat the other kids up until they were actually enrolled in the school and had something to lose?
Tyler Perry Is Tearing Us Apart!
People don’t watch Tyler Perry’s brand of chocolate milk-and-water bunkum, you say. Studios just keep producing his “films” and television programs because Perry keeps laying out scripts, they’re cheap to make, and nobody watches TBS before 11PM (or after 12, unless they want Lopez to not-funny them to sleep). They produce them because there’s this vague idea that’s captured our cultural subconscious that it is somehow racist not to, you say. At least its not “One On One” or “Homeboys In Outerspace,” or whatever that hysterically racist program was called. Black people don’t go into space, dude, for the same reason they don’t jump out of planes. They’re too smart to do that shit. You ever see a black family on a roller coaster? They’re freaking the fuck out because they are far more aware of their mortality than peroxide-haired thrill seekers. Anyway, you’d be wrong. About people not watching Tyler Perry. Black people actually eat that shit up, like its made entirely of deep womb orgasms and Maury Povich baby daddy reveals. As Samuel Chapman, third of his aristocratic name, attempts to point out above, this is without question entertainment not made for my pale ass. Black people feel a need to support things made just for them, and I get that. It’s why they unflappably support Obama, no matter how he personally screws the city they are living in, and puts their individual jobs in danger. On the surface, it is a solidarity thing. On the other hand, I do speak English, and I do follow the more interesting aspects of black culture, and I am definitely positive Tyler Perry is not funny. Most of it is retreads of relationship bullshit that was covered in mainstream, non-race biased media thirty years ago, and wasn’t even really comedically relevant … Finish reading this sumbitch!