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Tag Archives: pope
Easter Present
This is a time of celebration. Both Jesus and, more recently, Scumbag Style have risen from the dead. Thus we are proud to re-offer our free Easter paint-by-numbers printout! Give it to your kids, give it to your retarded cousin, give it to your girlfriend with a tab of ecstasy. Anybody who cares to hold a crayon is sure to dig it – – and it’s free, so I know you’ll be happy, you cheap fuck.
Careful, They Might Be Watching You Read This
Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean the Vatican isn’t conducting a clumsy shadow war against the United States. Seriously, judging by the color coded yarn connecting newspaper articles across my bedroom walls, there have been a few too many kooky coincidences for my overactive imagination to simply dismiss like so much Costa Rican hooker. Just just just just look. Look at this news from Kansas, where Republicans are advancing a bill that would legalize discrimination and bullying of homosexuals in that state, so long as it is done for religious reasons. But that isn’t really the news, is it? Republicans have been playing chicken with blatantly medieval laws since Obama took office, kind of playing keep-away with the Bill of Rights. That’s just the cover story, the part to keep your impotent moral outrage diverted from the puppeteers: “…one of the sponsors of this bill is the Kansas Catholic Conference.” (Addicting Info) I was never familiarized with the semantics of passing bills, but sponsoring? Like a pizza joint sponsors a pee-wee soccer team? Do they get to just slap a crucifix right on the law so that everyone who reads it starts watering at the mouth for Christ? Or are they just signing their names to the preliminary paperwork to go ahead and influence policy directly, without paying us? Whatever. If you think this is an isolated incident, you have been playing right into the hands of the MAN. You’re blind, man, you’re bliiiiind. Check out Arizona, where a law was just defeated that would have made contraception harder to get for working women, and would have severely violated their privacy in that very personal regard. Dance, lonely goatherd, dance! The Republican-sponsored bill is supported by social conservatives and Roman Catholic bishops who say it protects the religious freedom … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Hardcore Hypotheticals
When I cast my vote for Barack Obama, I admit to a certain amount of bandwagoning, and not a little political masturbation. I imagined our fresh, young, muscly president mounting the podium in Congress on his first day and proceeding to rip assholes left and right, like a blind Incredible Hulk at an orgy. Against gay marriage? “You’re a curmudgeonly old bigot,” Barry would lay it out, street like, and fix the bullshit laws. Slave to lobbyists? “You’re a friggin’ traitor, and your votes won’t count until you shed the corporate weight.” Just firing off the shocker left and right with his other two arms. Are you drafting laws in the face of scientific fact like global warming and evolution? “Hey, from now on, asshole, we listen to experts, and not greedy dumbfucks with something to gain.” Spewing hyperbolic, partisan doomsday language on either side of the isle? “I order you to smoke two joints a day until you learn to calm the fuck down.” The big climax would come when he said, “Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it deserves any credence.” Just splooging rationalism all over the front rows of the gallery like the sexiest Gallagher show ever. Money shot. Sometimes, if I had trouble getting to philosophical nirvana, I’d have him throw in something about how European Socialism is pretty neat, and that, no, in fact, he’s not a Muslim, he’s an atheist. “Can’t do nothin’ about it now, sucka. I already got the keys!” Since then, even though pundits love to call Obama a radical secular leftist with no concern for process, he’s been everything but what we elected him to be. If you seriously think Obama is radical, you should see the alternate universe where he actually did what we hired him to … Finish reading this sumbitch!
This Man Is A Teacher
My dearest Tom Hoopes: I first encountered your work when a Catholic friend of mine pointed me toward an article in which you speak briefly about Christopher Hitchens, a great hero of mine who recently passed away. It was condescending as all get out, but it was chock full of underhanded compliments, and seemed to be relatively thoughtful. It is, of course, gratifying to see a great American champion of humanist ideals remembered fondly by members of the non-secular class, so I decided I might read some more of your work. The first article I read was entitled “Six Myths About Atheism,” and I have to say, the title excited me, because I assumed you were a man of thought, and perhaps you’d be spending your time dispelling some of the myths that are propagated amongst the religious about non-believers. The article turned out to be the epitome of those very lies: a carelessly thought out bigoted bit of blatant propaganda, a brainwashing tool to keep the hate for atheists alive among the religious. My first thought was of completely ignoring it. After all, ignorance abounds in your community, trying to change one mind in the sea of under-used brains you call a church leaves one feeling impotent and frustrated. As my beautiful wife put it, quoting someone else: “Never argue with an idiot. They´ll drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience.” On the other hand, several of my friends and readers across Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, etc. expressed concern that I said that all of your points were entirely wrong, your research was ass-on-fire, and your intentions were entirely malicious, so I decided that I might address your points and show you why you’re an untalented, proselytizing asshole. After all, even you said in your article … Finish reading this sumbitch!