Tag Archives: piss

Afternoon Quickies: Oh, STFU! Edition, 4 Realz

These last couple of weeks I learned that one cannot live exclusively on the internet, that one must interact with human beings, maintain something resembling employment, and take legally mandatory vacations in Nicaragua. I shit you not. But it turns out that doesn’t really matter, because while I was gone, none of you motherfuckers did anything of any importance anyway. GOP Primaries, CISPA, John Edwards, Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor (just because they both had addiction problems doesn’t mean a non-actress can play a great one) – – it’s all just one big holding pattern because for the last two weeks the world has been utterly uninteresting. How do I know? Because instead of going out and tossing the pigskin around, you were all bitching about things nobody would ever care about otherwise: No Tards On Facebook Didn’t think mental retardation was genetic? Check out this poor kid’s mom. Brought to my attention by my buddy Cait, there’s an actually retarded petition going around, which has already gotten more than its requisite signatures, demanding Facebook not censor pictures of children with disabilities. Seems some woman posted pictures of her 7 year old son, who has Down Syndrome and is participating in his first Special Olympics, and the pics got flagged and removed. Because ignorance of how the world works never seems to stop people from throwing drooling mongo-fits. This woman must envision some poor bastard sitting behind a FB super-computer, individually investigating each of the millions of flags received every week, and making moral judgment calls on behalf of the entire corporation. And not, you know, an algorithm built into the servers that, so as to not have yeasty twats all over Facebook, just aces most of the items flagged as offensive to be on the safe side. I’m sorry, … Finish reading this sumbitch!

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Sexy Ed

By Ms Lori Hey there. My name is Lori, and I am here to take you to school. Yes, darling, I know you don’t want to go to school. There is just such a glut of elitist intellectual smarty-pants propaganda floating around this country, that we could all use a little less school and a little more common Bible sense. And not only that, book-learnin’ is so hard. So I thought that, as your teacher, maybe I could pop a few blouse buttons, put my finger in my mouth, and make you hard for education. Recent History 101 (If you know the story, you may skip this section, but I will be talking about my vagina, and it will be on the test. My vag, I mean. I dip it in red ink and leave a nice little lip hug for all my A students.)* I’d like to introduce you to Jessica Ahlquist. A lot of you may know her from the death threats you sent her and her family. Some of you may even remember promising to rape her, mostly from the safe, cowardly anonymity of the internet. Some of you have done it in person, in public, and for that I applaud you. For those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is female, like I totally am, and she is a sixteen year old high school student from Rhode Island. And she is an atheist, so her opinion doesn’t count. Still, Jessica is the newest champion of constitutional civil rights in the US, and many regard her as a hero. Just the excitement of her young age and her superior reasoning skills make my nips all hard. Go ahead, feel your screen. Can you feel that? I’m working on two semi-symmetrical avocado pits here. Nine months ago: … Finish reading this sumbitch!

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Oh, Well, That’s OK Then…

    So I guess all that fuss in 1993 over Michael Jackson molestering kids was all bunk! Contactmusic reports: “Dr. Klein, [Jacko's 'skin doctor'] insists Jackson did not molest the boy, and says the reason he could describe Jackson’s genitals is because Jackson liked to pee in front of other people. Dr. Klein said Jackson thought it was funny. Klein says there were numerous times when Jackson would pee in the doctor’s home – around groups of people, including children.” The only reason the boy could identify the discolorations in Jacko’s junk (may we never have to say that phrase again, even one more time) was because he whipped it out a lot and peed in front of everyone. Well, Jesus, why didn’t you just say so? Klein is totally right in saying that “prosecutors would have failed to bring charges against Jackson if the case had gone to trial.” What jury in the world would convict a man for performing private bodily functions in front of kids because he thought it was funny? Hey kids, it’s Michael the Indecent Exposure Clown! Ha ha ha! Aren’t we having a great time watching excrement exit a penis striped brown and white like a lemur’s tail, belonging to the emaciated man who defied the laws of nature and changed his race? WHY ARE YOU CRYING???

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