… Employing the brilliance of Religion’s “sell them nothing, they’ll love it,” combined with our hyper-sexualized, misogynistic culture. That’s bold.

(The difference is, you can drink beer when you’re naked, but don’t let that stop you.)

They nailed another Catholic Bishop for child abuse today… ah, fuck it, I’ve seen this episode, what else is on?

There’s some revolutionary thinking going on right now, and shit am I excited. Because as an American I can’t do any thinking of my own (we did away with that bit of inefficiency, Denmark, catch up, get you some Jesus or something), my nips get all kinds of pointy when I hear of other people doing it. This time it’s the fashion industry, the rocket scientists over there coming up with the brainstorm of the year: Boobies Sell Stuff. Just three words, and yet so much unmitigated prodigy contained therein. Take notes, beer.

First, Abercrombie & Fitch told naysayers to stick it where the sun don’t shine (ironically, Banana Republic) when they announced they’d be bringing back A&F Quarterly, a soft-core skin mag (with excuse articles, you guys) that doubles as a catalog and advertisements. They ran it for a few years, before yanking it under pressure in 2003, saying, “What? Have you ever seen an article of clothing in our advertisements and store promos, like, ever? Oh, fine.” Still, despite the lack of clothes in the clothing advertisements, the campaign seemed to work while it lasted, due to its racy suggestions of sex the jocks were already having when they were twelve, and implied white supremacy. The JC Penny catalog never stood a chance, not even the scandalous lingerie section we all remember naturally gluing together when we were kids.

Lingerie or Kevlar, an 11 year-old can manage a chubby for either. Close the door when you change, moms.

When A&F Quarterly buckled under the pressure, creepy middle-aged men had nowhere to go for their “artful” semi-nude portrayals of the girls they wished they could have… you know, except the internet and late night Cinemax. But, never fear you brave lechers, it’s coming back in July, so it looks like management has sprouted some chest hair… Hahaha, just kidding. Abercrombie men will always be hairless effeminates. Even when nuclear winter envelops us all, and strip malls are only carrying caribou skin mukluks and $60 extra-thick kuspuks, A&F billboards will not fail to cover the cold, desolate landscape with naked, genderless Ken dolls.

In still shockinger news, fashion house Valentino, apparently known in the industry for being what is called “demure” (adj. prudish; uninteresting), has decided to “mix things up” by including nudity in their new campaign. Genius! It’s like that one hot nun – who signed up for the requisite habit and gun because she was raped or something, and not because she couldn’t get laid if her life depended on it like most nuns – it’s like her stripping down for the 7th grade class in the Catholic school. I know, when the collection plate came around, I would have been more generous  than a paperclip and pocket lint if that had happened. Praise Jesus, who giveth unto us that adorable little brown ring around the anus! Still, despite the fact that this “Tits Sell Shit” idea is just so clever, you can’t really say that in the press release, or FOX News will start going all Zorro on your print copy. How are you going to spin this?

“The idea is that of an unexpectedly intimate black-and-white portrait with candid shots of unconventional, delicate and individual beauty and a more dangerous undercurrent,” said Chiuri. Added Piccioli, “We believe it is a very modern and feminine vision and we wanted to show each woman’s unique personal allure.” (Memo Pad)

On which Lindsay Lohan remarked, “Fuck! I wish I thought of that!” See, she’s posing nude for ads concerning her new line of handbags called “6126.” Add a decimal point in there and you get her average BAC level. Math is fun. Before Valentino’s creative directors came out with all those purty words, Lohan’s justification for posing nude was,”You can take pictures with clothes on?” Well, no, hunny, not when all the clothing companies in the country have cease and desist orders against you sullying their image in public. You’ve been relegated to handbags, which really isn’t the worst thing in the world. I can see the ad campaign now: “Your birthday suit ain’t got no pockets, so what the hell?”

Luna wasn’t sure whether Lohan’s court-mandated SCRAM bracelet [the drug and alcohol detector] would be part of the racy pictorial. “We’re thinking of having police on hand so we can remove the ankle bracelet for the pictures… or the accessory might be airbrushed later on.”

Sounds suspiciously like apologetic pandering to me. Screw it, dude, leave that bad boy on. If this kind of technology existed in the seventies, Randy Newman would have had a field day with it. It’s like leaving your hat or high heels on to add some flavor to the humpin’, with the added benefit of surveillance equipment in the form of a toy reminiscent of handcuffs. Hell, I might trick my wife into getting a couple of DUIs so we can get one. Listen, Lindsay, you haven’t been a part of any normal man’s masturbatory fantasies since Mean Girls. This might be your chance to squeeze in the tight crawlspace of our minds between between Megan Fox blowing a series of farm animals and Two Girls, No Flatware Middle Man.

Hitting pricey department stores this fall, the 6126 (named after Marilyn Monroe’s birthdate) handbags will retail for $200 to $600; a cheaper line, 7286 (Lohan’s birth date), will sell for under $200 at lower-end stores such as Macy’s.

For $39.98 you can get in on the 3211, the date of Lindsay’s first double penetration scene on whateverrubsyourpud.com, tagline: “Hey, man, we’re not here to judge (no Amex).”

So Cracked.com, in addition to being the pinnacle of internet comedy after mostly dropping their MAD Magazine print ripoff, does a weekly Photoshop contest. You’re supposed to host the image on like flickr or photobucket or something, so you can post it to their boards using a URL. But really, what’s the point in owning your own website if you can’t use it selfishly. Besides, maybe you guys want to see it, too. The contest this week was titled “If Cartoons Were More Like The Real World,” and I decided to address the concern that creeped over me when I was like seven: Why the hell do the Ninja Turtles carry sharp weapons if they’re not going to cut some bitches’ heads off? You have a sword, stab Shredder in the crotch! People get a lot less concerned about world domination if they have no balls. The realization of standards in childrens’ programming was like realizing Santa Claus wasn’t real, I couldn’t watch action cartoons anymore, and I moved right on to the retard raping scene in I Spit On Your Grave on repeat. But let’s take a moment to reflect on how awesome our childhoods might have been.

So, winning my own contest would be unethical, not to mention ridiculous because I’m an artistic philistine. But I have to say, this is badass like naked chicks in space is badass, and it is going on some merch damned soon. It is also a pretty nice place for contestants to start, though like I said, there are myriad design options to choose from. Who wants to win $100, swag, and the chance to see your design on the chests of all the cool scumbags? There are weeks left on this bad boy, who’s going to take home the gold?

As a refresher, here are the contest guidelines, prizes, and deadlines.