(Seriously, why doesn’t anyone want to go on the ferris wheel with me??)

So I guess all that fuss in 1993 over Michael Jackson molestering kids was all bunk! Contactmusic reports: “Dr. Klein, [Jacko's 'skin doctor'] insists Jackson did not molest the boy, and says the reason he could describe Jackson’s genitals is because Jackson liked to pee in front of other people. Dr. Klein said Jackson thought it was funny. Klein says there were numerous times when Jackson would pee in the doctor’s home – around groups of people, including children.”

The only reason the boy could identify the discolorations in Jacko’s junk (may we never have to say that phrase again, even one more time) was because he whipped it out a lot and peed in front of everyone. Well, Jesus, why didn’t you just say so? Klein is totally right in saying that “prosecutors would have failed to bring charges against Jackson if the case had gone to trial.” What jury in the world would convict a man for performing private bodily functions in front of kids because he thought it was funny? Hey kids, it’s Michael the Indecent Exposure Clown! Ha ha ha! Aren’t we having a great time watching excrement exit a penis striped brown and white like a lemur’s tail, belonging to the emaciated man who defied the laws of nature and changed his race? WHY ARE YOU CRYING???