(”You’ve got seven months before we can’t cover it up, boys! Go to towns while you can!”)

Hey! You can’t use my line!

There’s a call out for the Pope to prove his innocence in the willful decimation of the lives of hundreds of kids, to provide some evidence, talk directly to the media, or show even a glimmer of desire to provide the world with some kind of Vatican transparency. Tough titties, but he will do this:

The Vatican… sought to reach out to victims of the sex abuse scandal rocking the Catholic Church, saying Friday that Pope Benedict XVI is willing to meet with them and take part in the church’s healing process.

Man, you’d think at this point they’d hire somebody to watch the vocabulary in these official notices. The Pope wants to “reach out” and “take part in the healing process”? So, what, he wants to play doctor with the victims? I’m sorry, were I one of these victims, I think I’d take a little investigative cooperation over walking into the castle where they say “sorry” the naughty way to talk to their king. These “victims” are like 40 now, what do you think you’re going to accomplish by meeting them? They’re just a little too advanced in age for the old “our little secret” trick to work. It’s especially comforting since that announcement came like two hours before the media announced that cover up letters were found, signed by Ratzinger himself. Yeah, we’ll come talk when every idle hand in that richly appointed snake den of yours is safely cuffed behind their respective backs, and the construction workers are elbow deep turning Rome into one big combo Pizza Hut and Wicken bookstore.

But according to Life Site News, the Catholic digital rag that spews irretrievably absurd propaganda like a snow blower beefed up with a superconducting magnet from the LHC, a fresh decree from the Vatican can fix it all. “The paper said that the new rules will be modeled on the ‘zero tolerance’ policy instituted by the U.S. bishops in 2002.” As opposed to the “some tolerance” policy they were working under before.  “Rome Reports says that the new rules are expected to be issued in the autumn,” so you priests better get your child abuse in while the gettin’s good, because after the summer, “I tripped and fell into that kid’s asshole” isn’t going to cut the mustard or get you some paid vacation at Supple Young Flesh Island anymore.

Lombardi renewed some of that [media bashing] rhetoric on Friday, saying the media have failed to portray the pervasiveness of child sex abuse in modern society and the way the church’s experience can be useful to society at large.

Again with the vocabulary. What other institution in the world would proudly claim to be the leading expert on child sex abuse? They have so much experience with child sex abuse, they can totally be useful to society in that regard. Like the one in California, from the affore mentioned letter, where then Cardinal Ratzinger covered up the priest “tying up and molesting two altar boys” by sending him to work in youth ministry, where he molested “tons” more kids. His words. The Church would totally be willing to step in and pinch hit on that one. “You’re going to want to use a Killick’s Hitch knot when you tie up that one. That visit from Boy Scout Troop 7 was fun and educational!” Backseat drivers, am I right?

But for the sake of argument, and in the interest of media fairness, let’s look at some of the sex abuse that’s been in the news recently that is way more OK than the stuff the sheriff of Rape Town is accused of.

1. Cheerleaders pissing in their teammates’ drinks. “A group of [Saginaw] Texas cheerleaders is in hot water after mixing [pee] in their teammates’ beverages.” [HuffPost] While I sincerely applaud the barely veiled, hilariously obvious pun of the author, let’s get serious. I personally know a lot of people that would pay for real actual cheerleaders to do just that. Is this a crime, or a gift? Those girls should seriously think about just how well they could capitalize on their suspension time. It just so happens Tiger Woods lost his Gatorade sponsorship, and lemon-lime is a popular flavor. Just sayin’.

2. A man that had a nine month emotional and sexual relationship with a dolphin in the seventies, and has just finished writing a book about it. With a literary straight face, he says the dolphin came on to him, but you believe a lot of things on acid. “I would say it’s sort of like Romeo and Juliet. Instead in this book, Juliet is a 400 pound marine mammal,” he said. (FilmDrunk) Keep piling those fetishes on the public record, dude. You’re a dolphin fucker AND a chubby chaser? Pretty weird, I guess, but both things are legal in Florida, so you’re still on the hook there, Catholics.

3. The swim coaches across the country abusing their charges, including “Brian Hindson of Indiana, [who] was sentenced to a 33-year federal prison term after he was found to have secretly taped multiple girls in a ’special’ shower room.” (HuffPost) Well what did you expect, parading that talent around in those skimpy swim caps? For swim coaches, every day is like spring break, and the privilege of participating means putting the hell out. Gotta get them to sign those waivers, guys.

4. What I did to my computer screen the minute of these new Kim Kardashian pictures were released.

Whoever coined the phrase "not leaving much to the imagination" doesn't excersize his very often.

Bam! You could fit a mushroom metropolis of very happy smurfs in that monster valley. Anyone else feel like you could blow down the back of her bathing suit and make whistling noises, like kids do with thick blades of grass? I volunteer to be the scientist running that experiment. That pooper bulge is so intoxicatingly inhuman, that at the right angle, you probably have to look at it through one of those cardboard solar eclipse boxes you make in grade school. Permanent retinal damage by bum, for. the. win. Seriously guys, nobody tell her she’s shopping in the kid’s section for her bathing suits, k?

Also, didn’t I promise?

[Stole those pics from The Superficial. I doubt a lawsuit against spreading happiness will last long in court, but I'm covering my bases.]

(You can strap me into the elaborate torture chair from Monsters Inc, but you can’t keep me from shitting my pants!)

It is incredible how little I care about a bunch of old dudes telling me what movies I should think are good. For a while the world forgot other things were happening, outside of the annoyance of the documentary category the Academy insists on televising. We get it, Flipper genocide and Burma is last on the Girls Gone Wild sites of interest list. Both things we knew. In the meantime, we’re looking at some fabulous news here, folks; a popular myth is about to be dispelled, so strap yourselves in like a retarded toddler learning to go potty. Anne Harding over at the CNN reports:

Some women avoid drinking calorie-filled cocktails, wine, and beer because they’re worried about packing on the pounds. Now, a new study suggests that women who are moderate drinkers actually tend to gain less weight over time than teetotalers.

SCIENCE! What Mrs. Rutherford B. Hayes is trying to say is that booze is good for you, ladies, in copious amounts. You can trust it too, because a chick wrote it, albeit a time-traveling she-dictionary of prohibition-era colloquialisms. What she failed to mention is that a lot of leading doctors agree, but would caution that less, looser, or even no clothes at all ought to be worn during times of consumption, for the sake of unfettered breathing and continuous blood circulation…

IN MY PANTS!

The study also goes on to state that nobody likes a sober prude, and temperance is the leading cause of ugly friend, designated driver cock-blockery. Don’t be that girl. Get wasted and settle, for everyone’s sake. As if now is the time to start worrying about that pink camisole bulge of laziness you call feminism, you can be reassured that there are corroborating studies.

“Many other studies that are not nearly as well done or as large as this suggest that calories from alcohol are metabolized differently,” Ellison says. “The alcohol calories probably don’t count as much as calories from a Hershey’s bar.”

If that isn’t enough for your bulimic ass, wait until liquor comes out in pill form. The rest of you can stop pretending your vodka cranberry is good for you because the clear liquor offsets the horrifying amount of sugar and preservatives in the kind of cranberry “juice” that “tastes good.” That shit is nasty, and CNN just said you can move on to real actual liquor and still keep your lumpy girlish figure.

As a public service, Scumbag Style would like to remind you that the hooch can be a lubricant for one kind of weight gain: unwanted stomach parasites, affectionately known in the medical community as “babies.” An unassuming moniker for a hateful, body-shredding drain on resources and the reason everybody will hate you on Facebook. Seriously, we were responsible enough to not knock you up. Go tell the jizz donor; you’ll find him in the bedroom crying because you made him sell his Xbox.

Although recovering alcoholics and people with uncontrolled epilepsy shouldn’t drink [unless they are really dedicated to physical comedy], Ellison says, moderate alcohol consumption can have health benefits for people middle-aged and older, especially when it comes to heart health and stroke risk.

Also, a couple more drinks will benefit those that find improvised peeing just fucking adorable.

Hee hee. I have like a couple hundred of these on my hard drive. Kittens tottering around on gimpy legs with Cool Whip on their whiskers couldn’t be more adorable than a chick with no choice but to squat in places unintended for their urination needs.

Here’s one more bit of motivation from Johnnie Walker.

(Eh, we should probably just let this one go. He’s going to be real disappointed when he gets out.)

So you say you want something even more stupidly polarizing than the newly announced Ipad release? You’re tired of hearing OS idealists, whose minds will never change, fight like girls, with one side saying, “OMG new Apple product, I hope I don’t piss myself in girlish glee,” and the other saying, “So I can insert my Ipod and my Iphone, how about my Inutsack?” while lewdly grabbing their crotches?* Do you just want to scream, “Then don’t fucking buy it!”? Or, “That sounds like an electronic panty-liner with headphones!”? Well here’s something you can’t avoid, because by law you are required to watch the Super Bowl, and the big game makes everything, even Dominos and beer that tastes like piss, as important as a yearly visit to the gynecologist.

The short of it is, Focus on the Family somehow gathered the 3 mil or so it takes to advertise on CBS during the Super Bowl, and used the opportunity to get Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and his mom to talk for the duration of the ad about Focus’ pro-life message. Seems Tebow’s mother chose to give her son life in the face of some pretty tough odds, and as a result we have an guy who is over paid to play a game, so abortion is bad.  On the surface, it is a tad annoying that proselytizing is something you’d want to impose during the Super Bowl, but perfectly within the realm of allow-ability. Hey, they came up with the bones, and that seems to be enough for CBS, and therefore should be enough for the hundred bajillion people of all faiths and political ideologies that are going to be drinking heavily and getting really angry and competitive about things they see on television while watching the Super Bowl. Timothy McVeigh says, “Good idea.”

But if it were that easy, everybody could just relax, and we need to keep up our global lead on heart attacks and “having a cow.” The problem, according to the people who want the ad pulled, stems from a lack of precedent — indeed, a standing policy against — among those airing Super Bowls to allow commercial time to any political entity or advocacy group with nothing tangible to sell except their ability to whip their dicks out. They also like to throw around hyperbole and rhetoric like it’s food fight day at Tiger Woods’ sex rehab (I think I just grossed myself out). NARAL Pro-Choice America says:

Focus on the Family has an unmistakable anti-choice, anti-birth-control, anti-sex-education, anti-gay agenda. If that isn’t bad enough, its views on women are just plain insulting and dangerous. For example, its web site urges women facing an unintended pregnancy to seek “wise advice” because “the hormones and extreme emotions of pregnancy make reasonable decisions more difficult.”

Tell us how you really feel, NARAL. You’ve got the demonizing of the other side down pat, right down to the anti-buzzwords. After all “danger” is the number one cause of fear. But to truly be considered Hitler-esque, you should be more specific, like “Fetuses are taking over the banks.” And you might have to kill some bitches, though Christians already have you pegged for that. Oh, and that last bit, while probably a direct quote, was not given proper citation, so context goes the way of last night’s 3 pound burrito. No, you continue to be the spokespeople for that side of the debate. When someone on your side says, “Who died and made you advocate?” just say “Ted Kennedy.”

Read more ridiculousness after the jump.

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