(Nostalgic for the days when “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was a matter of bitchin’ facial hair that, were he honest with himself he is incapable of growing, Pete Wentz arms hisself.)

I’m declaring the third week in March Celebrity Muzzle Week, and not arbitrarily. Famous people have been speaking when not spoken to, spouting some pretty inane verbal super-diarrhea this week, and I think maybe it’s just exhaustion. Like, maybe for one week out of the year, celebrities should put down the Twitters and the reporters (seriously, John Goodman, they get uncomfortable when you pick them up like that), and have the maid scour the house for the brain they left lying around the second swimming pool before it shrivels too much more in the sun. This here is only a smattering of the mind-spanking incredulity Hollywood has lain at my feet this week.

Pete Wentz from Overrated Teen Rock Band 2005 Fall Out Boy got my attention with the Contact Music headline Pete Wentz Wants a Bayonet.  “I really wish bayonets were primary weapons still. I feel like I’d be good at using one and it’s practical home defence. I mean you don’t bayonet somebody by accident and no one gets killed cleaning a bayonet.” Tell that to unfortunate Confederate Colonel Aaron “Swallows” Lancaster, who deepthroated a bayonet on a bet during a moonshine bender. Witnesses said they gave him an open casket because the “shot dead by an injun” look was too hysterical to pass up. Just to remind you, this is the fruit that wants a five foot knife to defend his 16 month old son Bronx Mowgli:

Remember when tatoos were badass, and not used in the same sentence as "guyliner"?

You’re lucky the human collective let you have a child with the apparent reading level of a fourth grader. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you didn’t just “see the film” and your second choice wasn’t, “Baloo – - but the cool one that flies planes in the spin off cartoon.” When will your little boy be allowed to wear mascara that looks like it was applied by the slow chick down the street with the lipstick all over her teeth? But yeah, here’s your  stabby stabby license.

“The 30-year-old musician [that suffers from bipolar disorder] previously confessed he is convinced he is going to be murdered and sometimes won’t open his front door because he is paranoid someone is there waiting to kill him.”

That’s your own fault for putting out shitty music, broham. Take it like a man with the stones to post his dick online (gross), not like an effeminate, Civil War reenacting weirdo. You answer your door wearing nothing but makeup that is clinically predestined to run with emo-tears and a pink hoodie, brandishing an unwieldy blade made for the front of 150 year old rifles, and I’ll shoot you on principle. How’s your bayonet working out for you now?  Ashley’s hot, but if I orphan young Mike (which will be his new, normal name) I’d be doing him a favor, getting him to a good home without matching his-and-her’s vanities and regular schoolyard ass-kickings.

After the jump: more of Celebrities Say The Dumbest Things

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It has been announced Sarah Palin will appear on Oprah this month to promote her new book. This should be fun. In one room, the two most likely and least qualified candidates to be a female President of the United States in the next decade or so will meet. To circle each other all primal for an hour or so, sizing each other up, determining each other’s fertility to see who will become matriarch of the pack. Hyenas, that is what I’m calling them, just to be clear.

I imagine Oprah will curse the book with her stamp of approval, which guarantees Her name will be bigger than the author’s, and therefore more important to its production. Sure it will sell more copies, but only to the kind of person that watches Oprah and reads what She tells them. On the other hand, that is about the level of intelligence that takes Sarah Palin seriously, so maybe this is just one big excuse for unattractive middle aged women to gather in a Jonestown sized mob and masturbate each other. In other words, maybe it’s not news. If we’re lucky, Hillary Clinton will make an unscheduled appearance and do this:

Not for nothing, I feel this needs to be touched on. Sarah Palin’s particular brand of Christianity focuses, among other terrifying and stupid things like speaking in tongues, on dispensation: man’s dominance over the world and potential to end it. That is the end goal: end the world, so that true believers get themselves saved ASAP. They have very real ideas on how that might be accomplished, and those just happen to focus on the Middle East. As President, her religious convictions will demand that she use her considerable new power, not only to use up natural resources because the end is near and it does not matter, but to END THE FUCKING WORLD. It doesn’t matter if you believe her theology or not, your President is trying to end the world! When a President gets it in her head to do that, she will probably succeed. The best you can hope for is that she quits halfway through her commitment, because something better came along like dictator of the universe. At least there’s precedent for that. So, go ahead and endorse her book, Oprah. America, seriously, I don’t get political a lot, that is for smarter people. But if you elect her, buy them peanuts and Cracker Jacks, cuz you just bought a ticket to the greatest show on Earth.