Above, irrefutable evidence that people actually watch Tyler Perry.

People don’t watch Tyler Perry’s brand of chocolate milk-and-water bunkum, you say. Studios just keep producing his “films” and television programs because Perry keeps laying out scripts, they’re cheap to make, and nobody watches TBS before 11PM (or after 12, unless they want Lopez to not-funny them to sleep). They produce them because there’s this vague idea that’s captured our cultural subconscious that it is somehow racist not to, you say. At least its not “One On One” or “Homeboys In Outerspace,” or whatever that hysterically racist program was called. Black people don’t go into space, dude, for the same reason they don’t jump out of planes. They’re too smart to do that shit. You ever see a black family on a roller coaster? They’re freaking the fuck out because they are far more aware of their mortality than peroxide-haired thrill seekers.

Anyway, you’d be wrong. About people not watching Tyler Perry. Black people actually eat that shit up, like its made entirely of deep womb orgasms and Maury Povich baby daddy reveals. As Samuel Chapman, third of his aristocratic name, attempts to point out above, this is without question entertainment not made for my pale ass. Black people feel a need to support things made just for them, and I get that. It’s why they unflappably support Obama, no matter how he personally screws the city they are living in, and puts their individual jobs in danger. On the surface, it is a solidarity thing.

On the other hand, I do speak English, and I do follow the more interesting aspects of black culture, and I am definitely positive Tyler Perry is not funny. Most of it is retreads of relationship bullshit that was covered in mainstream, non-race biased media thirty years ago, and wasn’t even really comedically relevant then. Look at the title of one of Perry’s more successful franchises: Why Did I Get Married? Yes, you’ve identified the underlying conflict of 4,859 films since they invented talkies. What makes me want to watch your “unhappily married until I learn a lesson” movie over any other? That’s rhetorical, you and I both know there’s no reason. The sequel was called Why Did I Get Married, Too. ‘Nuff said.

Mrs. Doubtfire is absolutely the last time a grown man was able to dress as an old woman and get a single laugh from the discerning connoisseur of drollery; not because Robin Williams is white (though his being funnier than Martin Lawrence and Perry didn’t hurt), but because its done! It’s over. Frankly, you don’t get to do drag after Monty Python and Kids In The Hall and Whitest Kids U Know (I swear that’s a coincidence) unless it is a kids’ movie, because you will undoubtedly fail. I’ll bet you real money Tyler Perry knew that before he put on the rubber tits. Which brings me to my point…

But is it really a solidarity thing? Or are black people being sold repackaged separate-but-equal. I mean, we’ve objectively proven Tyler Perry isn’t funny (as if we had to). And it is not like Black Culture is hurting for representation in the mainstream. Hip-Hop is (deservedly) the most popular genre of music in the Western World. I don’t know a single person that isn’t looking forward to Bad Boys III. Hell, black people have Republicans. Republicans! Racism ain’t dead, we all need to realize that, but we’ve also seen black people can give it (and here and here*) as well as they get it. And keeping that in mind, is there need to show solidarity with, or spend all your money on, something distinctly of “your” race to the exclusion of objectively better media? Tyler Perry is the way to fight racism like the Easy Deep Fry Oven is the holiday gift sensation to stop childhood obesity.

What it really is, friends, is a way to make money off of something we as an integrated group decided was toxic two or three generations ago. Trust me, as tempting as it would be, white folks wouldn’t drink from a different water fountain simply because it was in the shape of the Starship Enterprise or Christopher Guest’s dick or whatever. Even if it promised to spout a microbrew or single malt scotch. Because it’s just wrong.

*For the record, Scumbag Style’s official stance has always been that white people are indeed the problem with the world. We’d just like to not be exterminated, please. Maybe a nice camp, or a tasteful chalet where we might grow things and share them with you.