You keep dressing like my favorite fap cartoon, you have my vote in November.

The threat is that Kim Kardashian intends to become a politician. What the fuck ever, at this point. Has our political discourse over the last decade or so been any more intelligible than a drunken four-way bitch fight on E! over who used the last tampon?

Not for nothing, she’s better loved than Gingrich, smarter than Bush, she isn’t overtly evil, she has a nicer, thicker ass than Hilary, she has… just an outstanding record with minorities…

And if she doesn’t quite know as much about business as Mitt Romney, being only a mega-mogul, she at least hasn’t had the ethics center of her brain completely removed. Wouldn’t it be cool to have legions of 16 year-old girls and 13 year-old boys know who the hell the mayor of Glendale, CA is? When was the last time we could boast that? 90% of these kids don’t know who the Vice President is.

The problem is, Kim, I have watched you getting railed. Thousands of people have watched you having sex. It was boring. If you can’t rustle up enough passion for the brother of someone who was famous in the 90s, how is your electorate to believe you won’t go into a coma the moment an aide says the word ‘budget’?

Complaining about an objectively attractive woman’s inability to keep her clothes on is like asking the waitress to take your meal back because there are more chicken wings than you paid for on your plate. Still, I am almost positive the American public has what their media overlords like to call ‘standards’ when it comes to their politicians. Not the kind of standards that would allow them to distinguish a man whose job it was to fire hundreds of poor, hapless bastards from a job creator. Not the kind that demands we not torture people and giggle girlishly at the same time. Nay, their standards keep people whose underwear bits are regularly, intentionally displayed for general consumption from holding jobs higher than, say, alderman. Which is a shame, because nothing keeps a politician honest like knowing everyone watching her make a speech is, in that very moment, intensely aware of the size of her nipples.

In Malaysia, sure. In Italy – with a champion like Berlusconi, try not to have some Prime Ministerial dong slapping your children in the face every time they sit in front of a monitor. Indonesia. India.  And my favorite, Taiwan.

Even in China the black guys get all the good, famous sluts? Dammit! Oh, those are his pants... Sign my petition for better hidden surveillance equipment in China?

But in the US, no. There isn’t is a chance the headless horse having his knob slobbered in this video like an epileptic bulldog’s chew toy by Marilyn Monroe might be JFK, but posthumously, that only serves to frost his already musky legacy with the baby batter of true patriotism. The only living American politician with a confirmed sex tape is John Edwards. His career is doing splendidly.

All in all, it is probably a good thing your twat ruined Kim’s chances at a political career. Because she just publicly said she “respects Rick Santoro.” There are two horribly wrong things nestled in those three words. One of them is not ‘Rick.’ On the other hand, she does seem to understand the Spanish-language comedy hour that is American politics:

On the red carpet at the WHCD, Kardashian teased her fans should “stay tuned” to find out more about her political aspirations.

Go for it, babe. You’re a natural.

This... feels strangely familiar. Can't quite get my mouth around it...

Dance! Dance for me, America! And give me your plump little boys!

Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean the Vatican isn’t conducting a clumsy shadow war against the United States. Seriously, judging by the color coded yarn connecting newspaper articles across my bedroom walls, there have been a few too many kooky coincidences for my overactive imagination to simply dismiss like so much Costa Rican hooker.

Just just just just look. Look at this news from Kansas, where Republicans are advancing a bill that would legalize discrimination and bullying of homosexuals in that state, so long as it is done for religious reasons. But that isn’t really the news, is it? Republicans have been playing chicken with blatantly medieval laws since Obama took office, kind of playing keep-away with the Bill of Rights. That’s just the cover story, the part to keep your impotent moral outrage diverted from the puppeteers:

“…one of the sponsors of this bill is the Kansas Catholic Conference.” (Addicting Info)

I was never familiarized with the semantics of passing bills, but sponsoring? Like a pizza joint sponsors a pee-wee soccer team? Do they get to just slap a crucifix right on the law so that everyone who reads it starts watering at the mouth for Christ? Or are they just signing their names to the preliminary paperwork to go ahead and influence policy directly, without paying us?

The church would like you to know that they are only sponsoring those sexy tight pants.

Whatever. If you think this is an isolated incident, you have been playing right into the hands of the MAN. You’re blind, man, you’re bliiiiind. Check out Arizona, where a law was just defeated that would have made contraception harder to get for working women, and would have severely violated their privacy in that very personal regard. Dance, lonely goatherd, dance!

The Republican-sponsored bill is supported by social conservatives and Roman Catholic bishops who say it protects the religious freedom of all employers by allowing them to use the opt-out privilege now extended only to religious entities. (Slate)

There they are again! The Catholics have enjoyed enormous imput on so many laws affecting the lives of so many Americans, I doubt if most of you even notice. In fact, if you dig, if you really dig, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops have been behind at least 28 specific passed and unpassed laws, just in the 112th Congress, as well as innumerable general legislative issues they choose to meddle with.

And if they’re not sponsoring, they’re desponsoring. A couple of years back, Washington was deciding on its gay marriage policy. If it passed, The Catholic Church made it very clear that they would personally let hundreds of homeless people starve to death. Not the most valuable hostages. This country really responds to little blond girls in danger, but the strategy did prove rather effective, after all.

28 laws. That’s not including other Catholic organizations at the state level, not to mention other religious denominations and cults. At what point is that number high enough to constitute a covert invasion? The Vatican is a state unto itself, don’t forget. If the Russians had this many spies in such high places, we’d start executing Jews and MSNBC pundits, just to feel like we were doing something productive.

Dah, boinking is for babies, comrade.

Don’t even think about comparing my completely sober warnings of total Papist takeover to the hubbub over JFK when he ran. That was a whole different conspiracy in which people were trying to keep a walking erection out of the highest office in the land, just so he wouldn’t hand the keys to the red button over to whatever celebrity hooker won the Easter Sunday blowjob contest. A noble purpose, indeed, but at least JFK was a Democrat that wouldn’t consider allowing church to incur any farther on state than it already had. Shit, would Kennedy have even considered outlawing contraception, as Rick Santorum has expressed gleeful interest in attempting? A whole drawer in JFK’s Oval Office desk was devoted to Trojan storage. That is not the profile of a man that would make any woman have a baby if she didn’t want to.

Just because the suspicion of the takeover of Roman Popery fell flat fifty years ago, doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid concern now. Now, with a conservative Catholic supported by the bulk of the American Religious Right doing far too well in the polls for those who have ever picked up a history book. Now, when a sponsorship from a religious organization actually bolsters a bill’s chance of passing. Now, when the blind, 300 year-old acolytes that live in ancient cellars beneath the Vatican are preparing to open the huge iron gates and let the thirteen Horrumods out to lay waste to sinful cities like Chicago and San Francisssssssco.

If you, like me, are concerned about the conspiracies happening all around us – or if you understand the psychological effect of talking in an erratic, paranoid way, and how useful a tool it can be – don’t wait! Head over to Unemployed Geniuses, where they are advertising some very attractive Glenn Beck survival kits, and long, spirit draining videos with circular logic. You’re right, guys. It is pretty satisfying.

This is exactly what single motherhood gets you: Half of your kids have hair covering their entire faces.

Ok folks, let me explain a few things.

I’m open to missing a point somewhere in here, maybe it’s me in my youth not understanding some key element of existence, but I do believe our good Mark Hurley nailed it in regards to Obama´s Mandate and the Catholic reaction.  We want to live in a free country, you want to have a business that is religion related, but not a church, you’re going to have to risk employing a person of a different faith, who’s philosophies you’ll have to endorse. Tough shit. Enjoy your parent company not paying taxes.

Here’s my follow up to the question at hand. You’re a religion related organization, right? So you love babies, right? Know what I’ll bet you hate? Abortion. Know what I’ll bet you hate almost as much? Unwed mothers. Because they’re gonna happen. All of ´em. Unwed mothers who’ve had abortions previously, and presently have more than one child from more than one ‘sperm donor’.

You know what’s gonna have to happen after that? You’re gonna have to provide medical coverage for those kids, because there ain’t no babydaddys doin’ it. Better still, guess what follows? Government subsidies that will pour in; and you just really, really aren’t changing that part of the safety net, buddy. That part of the safety net is there because, while your parent company doesn’t have to pay taxes, it’s also lost popularity, doesn’t have quite the same income it used to, and is no longer the go-to place for aid.

And what are YOU going to do when all these children of single mothers cook their schoolmates´ parents into chilli? These are the things you have to think about.

I present exhibit A to everything you just said wasn’t gonna happen when you finished the last paragraph:

For Women Under 30, Most Births Occur Outside Marriage (NYT)
And just when you think I’m gonna say clever things that work our way to an objective:

Young Mothers Describe Marriage’s Fading Allure (NYT again)

BANG exhibit B! Oh, oh, and when you’re picking up on a new theme that branches from where we started?

Right Guy, Wrong Ring? (Huffpost)

KAFOOM! Exhibit C! He’s bombarding us! Where the hell is this guy going with this? Is he a genius that’s about to enlighten the reader, or a madman who consumes too much coffee late at night while reading?

The answer is actually both A and B, but that’s an entirely different issue.

I’ve said this before: we’ve gone into this whole gender equality thing with absolutely no exit strategy to the reform. Yes, I’m talking about women’s right to vote. No, no. Hold up. I’m not saying it was a bad idea. Cool your feminist jets, and keep the planes on the launch platform. I’m saying that there was never a chance, nor a proper preface, for our culture to adjust.

Society, culture, didn’t have a chance to evolve a new social role for women, then came the second world war, women had to work in place of their husbands at factories to keep the war-machine running. And dude, don’t get me wrong, the first time I saw a ‘Rosie Riveter’ picture, in context, I thought it was so-damned-cool. Despite this, the men returned from war (and I’m not even gonna start on the damned industrial complex) and everything was expected to come back to the norm… but two more things happened.

Birth control and television (starting to see where this is going, guys?).

TV... raped a bunch of single women, making them moms, and then took their factory jobs?

Television was already a device in full swing when birth control became available on the market, hell, at this stage color was becoming the norm (for our younger audience, try to envision a world that had only just developed a smartphone ::gasp!::). You’ve got Elvis shaking his hips, on live TV and this was still a big deal! Now all of a sudden any woman can buy a box of pills that make babies not happen? On top of the fact HIV doesn’t exist, and all the other STDs can be disposed of with a week of antibiotics (don’t use birth control with your antibiotics, kids)! Clearly the world has gone mad with its technologies!

This is all taking place while the previous generation of women still have distinct memories of doing ‘men’s work’ (for dramatically less pay) just a decade or two before hand, life expectancies suddenly double, and washing machines take out at least half of the work of a housewife. No. Seriously. Call your grandma and ask her. That one was funny, but it wasn’t sexist.

(Check out this short from MST3K for some hilarious context. – Ed.)

So some moms want to bring in some more cash for the house while the kids are at school. That’s awesome, dude. It’s 1965 and socially it’s your right to stay at home and drink wine when you aren’t working. While you’re working, you should totally be given equal pay for what ever else is being done too, I mean that. Here’s where the problem starts: we let corporations start slipping into the same size they were when the first robber barons existed, equal work means equal pay, and also equal hours, then all of a sudden its the 80′s and the term latchkey kid is invented. The economy has changed, along with inflation for two-income-homes, and everyone is required to work to survive.

This is where you screw the universe up: kids see this as a model to base their lives off of. Mom and dad are both working, they are dependent of each other economically, they lose the connection to themselves, and their children, and what do you mean Johnny has been capturing cats and torturing them in the attic? How long has this been going on? No, I was at work too, but you should have been watching him! He has a problem! I saw that he made a coat out of cat skin he sewed together and you should have been watching him! No it isn’t my job, I’m the man, I’m supposed to work, you should watch the kids!

You can have your divorce, you’re a horrible mother, look at what you let happen to your child! ME? I couldn’t be a role model, I was working weekends to keep this house together! Oh… right… so were you.

And here we are.

Two generations deep in a cultural change that doesn’t seem to want to happen. Biology demands coitus (lets keep different sexualities out of this right now, alright?) and the corporate zeitgeist demands cold work machines. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, you have women writing articles about how to tell other women, how to tell their man that the ring he picked out isn’t pretty enough for him, and quasi-religious organizations that want to have their way when they should be spending a lot more time trying to help the culture adjust to the change. Ladies, if you still want your dowry of gems and cattle, I have a nice little wishlist I could provide you with. Also: you can pay for dinner.

Next time, you´re opening the door for me, bitch, or I´m not putting out.

Clearly I’ve put a lot of thought into this, or at least one very angry afternoon. I don’t have a solution to the equation, but as long as we have two distinct genders (again, we’re keeping gender identity out of this, things get entirely too muddled) it’s a good assumption that our offspring will need role models of both. The birth control pill doesn’t mean you get to screw around all you want (just wait, the male birth control pill is only a few years from shelves) it means you get to enjoy the living hell out of someone you mutually respect. All I saw in those articles was ‘I loved my child’s father, but I didn’t want to marry him.’ Honey, you clearly have a disrupted understanding of how love functions. Do you think it has anything to do with your absentee father?

If everything I’ve said here sounds just a little crazy (and I expect it to) put on an episode of Teen Mom for a few minutes. Then watch some Jersey Shore, just for good measure. If you can’t spot some flaws in what’s come up in our culture’s concept of gender roles, the idea of love, and what constitutes healthy sexual relationships… you might be a participant in the overarching problem. Also: I hear you’re single and have daddy issues. What are you doing next weekend?

... also, if you don´t like Ween, there´s something seriously wrong with you.

The big climax would come when he said, “Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it deserves any credence.” Just splooging rationalism all over the front rows of the gallery like the sexiest Gallagher show ever. Money shot. Sometimes, if I had trouble getting to philosophical nirvana, I’d have him throw in something about how European Socialism is pretty neat, and that, no, in fact, he’s not a Muslim, he’s an atheist. “Can’t do nothin’ about it now, sucka. I already got the keys!”

Since then, even though pundits love to call Obama a radical secular leftist with no concern for process, he’s been everything but what we elected him to be. If you seriously think Obama is radical, you should see the alternate universe where he actually did what we hired him to do. In the model we know, not so much as a stern admonishing, let alone the plethora of epithets he was supposed to spray our lesser officials with like a Tommy Gun with ´fucks´ for bullets. A relative failure for many of us godless liberals. Until this last glorious month.

‘Round about January 20^th, Obama unveiled a new spectacular plan. Opponents of the plan, in some of my favorite hyperbolic hyperventilating since the Kentucky Gaga scare of 2010, call it The Mandate, a tongue-in-cheek reference to some Ed Wood scandalizer schlock – - oh, wait, they’re serious. Even better.

In short, The Mandate required all employers with comprehensive health

In other words, FUCK YA, OBAMA!

care options, even those with spiritual affiliation, to offer actual comprehensive health care options. Meaning, of course, the Catholics would no longer be allowed to deny their women legal, scientifically proven, safe contraceptive and family planning care because of their silly superstitions. Also, they would have to offer “abortifacients,” which is one of those words that isn’t a real word that religious people use.

This was it! This was the kind of thing Obama supporters had been waiting almost four years for! Not only was a stunning blow struck for progressive ideals, the rights of workers and women, it was a very directed, very specific, very saucy “Fuck You Very Much” to a very vocal opponent of those rights. And, oh, how the bitches squealed!

“A violation of constitutionally granted religious freedoms!” They cried. “It is the difference between pluralism and anti-­clericalism,” they mentioned, rather cryptically. (Washington Post)

This is what you sound like.

No, it is the difference between subjectivity and entitlement. Trust us, you´ll know anti-clericalism when we express it. See, organizations that represent St. Mary’s Hospital and Notre Dame and the like think these places should be allowed to exist in the work-sphere without having to play by the rules any other employer, say Staples or NASA, would be subjected to. In no other place would that be tolerated. For example:

“Second grader Billy Hicks takes his dumps in the corner of the classroom, even though the rest of the class must use the toilets down the hall like civilized human beings. He is granted this unhygienic exception because he sincerely believes turd goblins will crawl up his poop chute if he poops anywhere else but the corner of the classroom. Nothing you can say will convince him otherwise, and the constitution grants religious freedom, so everyone has to watch him pop a squat and lives with the smell for the rest of the day. Every day.” (Me)

See, this is not a constitutional religious freedom issue by any stretch of the imagination, except those imaginations that can stretch so far as to think shitting in a corner is objectively crazy, but their religious ideas are rational to anyone but themselves. No, this is an issue of religious exceptionalism. To some people, the two concepts are entirely inseparable. Religious freedom, by any sane definition, means no one has the right to infringe on your personal ability to worship as you choose. Just so. But religious exceptionalism means thinking that Billy Hicks is being oppressed when teacher finally loses her shit and demands he crap in the toilet so the rest of the class isn’t subjected to his particular brand of disgusting crazy. How dare she? Get the lawyers!

Religious exceptionalism also means that your religious ideas – those with no basis in scientific fact or reason, because that is what makes them religious – should be imposed on those who do not share them. It is a huge problem in America now, but one the Catholics would like to see amplified. Like this quote:

“By its decision, the Obama administration has failed to show the same respect for the consciences of Catholics and others who object to treating pregnancy as a disease.”

Hyperbolically, this is a successful sentence. Babies as a disease? Perish the thought! Subjectively, by Catholic logic, those who work to avoid pregnancy are treating it like a disease, so again, a successful English sentence. Objectively – that is empirically – we are not, and so this quote is absolute bullshit. Scientifically, contraception does not even involve pregnancy, and most scientists agree next-day abortion cannot be considered murder. Pregnancy is not a disease, but it is often inconvenient, and sometimes incredibly dangerous, and there are ways to do away with it or avoid it altogether. I say “empirically,” because we can again prove the bullshit scientifically simply by your average Catholic’s reaction to a hypothetical scenario.

“You, Every Day Catholic, develop eyeball tumors, and modern medical science can get rid of them pretty easily. If you don’t get the surgery, you will die, and be dead for at least 18 years. But you work for a Cancerist company, and their religious belief states that those tumors are in their natural habitat and should be allowed to develop naturally.” (Me again)

Is there any scenario in which you would allow us to make you keep those tumors in your skull? If you think that is ridiculous, look in the mirror, you clown. Religious exceptionalists confuse their feelings of entitlement with religious freedom, because they can’t imagine something to be a “freedom” if it doesn’t come with perks that other people don’t have. In the case of the Billy Hicks and the Eyeball Tumors hypotheticals, these people would tell you that these things are unrealistic, silly, and not worth the effort of discussing. Which is exactly the way other people feel about their beliefs, so what they are really talking about is CHRISTIAN FREEDOM, not religious freedom.  Which of course equals Christian Exceptionalism. An appropriate quote from last night´s The Daily Show:

"You have confused a war on your religion with not always getting what you want."

Another example:

There would have been no controversy at all if President Obama had simply exempted religious institutions and ministries. But the administration insisted that the University of Notre Dame and St. Mary’s Hospital be forced to pay for the privilege of violating their convictions.

Super heady vocabulary, yet again. They use this kind of language to disguise the fact they have no point other than that they are more special than other Americans. All Obama had to do was make it completely unfair, and the Catholics wouldn´t feel so violated.

... but first call a doctor

See, the opposing arguments rely on different interpretations of the “freedom of religion” the poor oppressed Christians are bemoaning the loss of. One way of interpreting the clause in this context says that every woman should have the right to treat her “family way” by the dictates of her own spiritual beliefs. Or lack of beliefs concerning the issue. The other method of mangling “freedom of religion” is to blatantly say that a religious organization is free to infringe on the Constitutional rights of individuals. There’s no way every employee of massive organizations like Notre Dame is Catholic. What about their “freedom of religion,” which compared to your demands is pretty light? They just want freedom from your religion.

No, you are being “forced to pay for the privilege” of being an employer in the United States. You wouldn’t have to pay for shit if you didn’t want to operate as a legitimate US business, but since you do, you have to follow the rules. Your individual freedom to pray, eat magic crackers, and not have abortions is perfectly intact. Your ability to take others’ freedoms away is not.

“Obama chose to substantially burden a religious belief, by the most intrusive means, for a less-than-compelling state purpose — a marginal increase in access to contraceptives that are easily available elsewhere.”

Now you’re just pulling words out of your ass, and putting them together in a sentence.  Contraceptives aren’t easily available for the “marginal” people who are benefitting from The Mandate, are they? They can’t get them because they can’t afford them because you want to keep it from them. That “marginal” increase is for the “marginal” people you have chosen to oppress. We only made anti-slave laws to protect the margins of society that were slaves. “Well, if they want the pill, they don’t have to work for us,” you’ll say. We’ll get to that, keep your Scapulars on.

“[Under Obama´s administration] serving the poor and healing the sick are regarded as secular pursuits — a determination that would have surprised Christianity’s founder.”

Yeah, if Jesus Christ MD was a title earned after ten years of medical school and internships, you might squeak by with a point. But in The Gospel of Matthew: The Goblet of Magic Merlot, Jesus zapped the sick out of people with mutant god powers. Christ was many awesome things, but he was no scientist. Medicine is a secular pursuit because a priest can’t lay hands on a chick and cure her cold, let alone take care of her pregnancy problem. But way to throw “concern for the poor” in there. How, exactly, are you helping the poor by denying working women their rights, fuck stick? Sit the fuck down.

ANYWAY…

…go Obama, right?! Not only doing the rational, humanist thing for the benefit of all, and completely avoiding all constitutional quagmires, but giving the enemies of freedom the Finger In Chief in the deal? Genius!

Yeah, until Obama backed down, and made another of his fabled, pussy “compromises.”

Administration officials stated that a woman’s insurance company “will be required to reach out directly and offer her contraceptive care free of charge.  The religious institutions will not have to pay for it.

“Moreover, women will not have to opt in or out; contraceptive care will be part of the basic package of benefits offered to everyone. Contraceptive care will simply be “part of the bundle of services that all insurance companies are required to offer,” said a White House official.”  (Jill Stanek)

God. Dammit. You left in all the practical stuff, but took out the “Fuck You”? The “Fuck You In The Ass You Ignorant Cunts!” was the best part!

Still, the compromise is smart, I admit petulantly. Pretty much covers the bases. Insurance companies are required to offer free contraception to all employees, which works out for them, because the pill costs way less than covering every treatment a preggers woman needs. Women retain their basic liberties, and god nuts can rest easy knowing they have had no part in these women going straight to Hell. The uneasy peace can resume, the rumble can be postponed for another day, Riff.

No zip guns and no Egyptian scourges, you stinkin´ PR

Then again, just like all 1950s singing and dancing street gangs had a few loose cannons that made shit go all Shakespeare on everyone involved, the Catholics aren’t satisfied to not hate. See, Satan’s work is still being done, even if they have nothing to do with it, so their religious freedom is still somehow being trampled upon like the nuts of a foot-fetishist priest by an altar boy. Look at Jill Stanek’s headline:

 Contraceptive “compromise” worse than original mandate: Eliminates any exceptions

Let us stop mowing around the landing strip on this and move straight to mons town. I have a theory about what’s really going on around here, a theory we’ll call the “Homeless Man Shitting On His Own Half-Eaten Garbage Chalupa Hypothesis.” It can be illustrated by the following image:

Aw, yeah, that´s a big Chalupa grunter.

Say a hobo won the bum lottery and discovered half of a once-delicious Taco Bell Chalupa in a dumpster, but he already had a dead cat for breakfast at 6pm and he’s watching his weight, so he needs to save it for later. Tough challenge ever since the increase in homeless people since the banks started running the country. Animal instincts kick in, hordes of disenfranchised zombies sense a snack has been found, and they’re circling. Any moment now, the enemy will swarm down upon the hobo’s dumpster, and there’s no way he’ll be able to keep the crusty, flaky, slightly moldy deliciousness. Now imagine the hobo doesn’t particularly hate the taste of his own fecal matter. (Me, the last one, proimise)

The jackpot for many religious institutions would be the ability to only hire their own people. Makes sense. How can you keep a sterile Catholic hospital environment when you have a bunch of stinky Buddhists scurrying about, rummaging around inside of people? How can you teach kids about where we all came from six thousand years ago if you let a bunch of atheist scientists spew facts willy nilly all over your little Arian acolytes? Problem is, we have these seriously inconvenient anti-discrimination laws, and technically you’re not supposed to 86 a candidate from a job interview for being differently affiliated, spiritually speaking. The only way to get what you want is through the back door. Literally.

"Ah, so kind of like my episode "Galaxy´s Child" in which I "spoiled the milk" for the entity feeding off the Enterprise´s energy - -"

Shut up, LaForge! See, the Catholics won’t have to take part in any PR-damaging discrimination if they shit on their own Chalupa. If I were a woman, I wouldn’t take a job at, say, Notre Dame, because I’d want my health insurance to offer me all legal, effective medical treatments available in the US in some form or another. I wouldn´t want prayers to fix a treatable ailment. The Catholics wouldn’t want my heathen, fetus munching ass either. Outside of the shitty job market I’d be thrown into,* the only real losers in this scenario are the kids who miss out on the best candidate to be their professor, because I am a fucking genius, even as a woman.

Finish us off, Jill Stanek:

Furthermore, and just as importantly, it isn’t enough to (supposedly) exempt religious institutions from the contraception mandate. That is to say only people of faith are allowed to have, or are capable of, consciences. What about secular conscientious objectors?

Did anyone else just pitch a petit mal when they read that? What about the hell-bound godless heathens we can use to swell our numbers this one time? You know before we can gloat over their damned, worthless souls again. The godless fucks “capable of having consciences” about this one issue? Don’t count on them for allies after you just took a whiz on their pizza, you condescending taint munch.

*I don´t want to belabor the point, but think about our already crappy job market. Now, think about what would happen if the few remaining employers were allowed to make it completely uncomfortable for anyone but their own kind to work for them. Sound American to you?

Above, irrefutable evidence that people actually watch Tyler Perry.

People don’t watch Tyler Perry’s brand of chocolate milk-and-water bunkum, you say. Studios just keep producing his “films” and television programs because Perry keeps laying out scripts, they’re cheap to make, and nobody watches TBS before 11PM (or after 12, unless they want Lopez to not-funny them to sleep). They produce them because there’s this vague idea that’s captured our cultural subconscious that it is somehow racist not to, you say. At least its not “One On One” or “Homeboys In Outerspace,” or whatever that hysterically racist program was called. Black people don’t go into space, dude, for the same reason they don’t jump out of planes. They’re too smart to do that shit. You ever see a black family on a roller coaster? They’re freaking the fuck out because they are far more aware of their mortality than peroxide-haired thrill seekers.

Anyway, you’d be wrong. About people not watching Tyler Perry. Black people actually eat that shit up, like its made entirely of deep womb orgasms and Maury Povich baby daddy reveals. As Samuel Chapman, third of his aristocratic name, attempts to point out above, this is without question entertainment not made for my pale ass. Black people feel a need to support things made just for them, and I get that. It’s why they unflappably support Obama, no matter how he personally screws the city they are living in, and puts their individual jobs in danger. On the surface, it is a solidarity thing.

On the other hand, I do speak English, and I do follow the more interesting aspects of black culture, and I am definitely positive Tyler Perry is not funny. Most of it is retreads of relationship bullshit that was covered in mainstream, non-race biased media thirty years ago, and wasn’t even really comedically relevant then. Look at the title of one of Perry’s more successful franchises: Why Did I Get Married? Yes, you’ve identified the underlying conflict of 4,859 films since they invented talkies. What makes me want to watch your “unhappily married until I learn a lesson” movie over any other? That’s rhetorical, you and I both know there’s no reason. The sequel was called Why Did I Get Married, Too. ‘Nuff said.

Mrs. Doubtfire is absolutely the last time a grown man was able to dress as an old woman and get a single laugh from the discerning connoisseur of drollery; not because Robin Williams is white (though his being funnier than Martin Lawrence and Perry didn’t hurt), but because its done! It’s over. Frankly, you don’t get to do drag after Monty Python and Kids In The Hall and Whitest Kids U Know (I swear that’s a coincidence) unless it is a kids’ movie, because you will undoubtedly fail. I’ll bet you real money Tyler Perry knew that before he put on the rubber tits. Which brings me to my point…

But is it really a solidarity thing? Or are black people being sold repackaged separate-but-equal. I mean, we’ve objectively proven Tyler Perry isn’t funny (as if we had to). And it is not like Black Culture is hurting for representation in the mainstream. Hip-Hop is (deservedly) the most popular genre of music in the Western World. I don’t know a single person that isn’t looking forward to Bad Boys III. Hell, black people have Republicans. Republicans! Racism ain’t dead, we all need to realize that, but we’ve also seen black people can give it (and here and here*) as well as they get it. And keeping that in mind, is there need to show solidarity with, or spend all your money on, something distinctly of “your” race to the exclusion of objectively better media? Tyler Perry is the way to fight racism like the Easy Deep Fry Oven is the holiday gift sensation to stop childhood obesity.

What it really is, friends, is a way to make money off of something we as an integrated group decided was toxic two or three generations ago. Trust me, as tempting as it would be, white folks wouldn’t drink from a different water fountain simply because it was in the shape of the Starship Enterprise or Christopher Guest’s dick or whatever. Even if it promised to spout a microbrew or single malt scotch. Because it’s just wrong.

*For the record, Scumbag Style’s official stance has always been that white people are indeed the problem with the world. We’d just like to not be exterminated, please. Maybe a nice camp, or a tasteful chalet where we might grow things and share them with you.