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Twatted
- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: Compromise Is A Four Letter Word http://t.co/V5KNn11L 7 hours ago
- Me Meme. Memememe. ME! OH MY GOD LOOK AT ME! http://t.co/Gfb4znY7 2 days ago
- Family dynamics in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles http://t.co/LI9LglV8 2 days ago
- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: Illuminti Freshness, Santic Bitches http://t.co/HerydZKD 4 days ago
- RT @XoXo_Carrie: #FF @nikkacostia @Alabama_Shakes @BabyBash @mechrt @SwiftStump @scumbagstyle @barelysarcasm 5 days ago
Tag Archives: new york
Afternoon Quickies: Oh, STFU! Edition, 4 Realz
These last couple of weeks I learned that one cannot live exclusively on the internet, that one must interact with human beings, maintain something resembling employment, and take legally mandatory vacations in Nicaragua. I shit you not. But it turns out that doesn’t really matter, because while I was gone, none of you motherfuckers did anything of any importance anyway. GOP Primaries, CISPA, John Edwards, Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor (just because they both had addiction problems doesn’t mean a non-actress can play a great one) – – it’s all just one big holding pattern because for the last two weeks the world has been utterly uninteresting. How do I know? Because instead of going out and tossing the pigskin around, you were all bitching about things nobody would ever care about otherwise: No Tards On Facebook Didn’t think mental retardation was genetic? Check out this poor kid’s mom. Brought to my attention by my buddy Cait, there’s an actually retarded petition going around, which has already gotten more than its requisite signatures, demanding Facebook not censor pictures of children with disabilities. Seems some woman posted pictures of her 7 year old son, who has Down Syndrome and is participating in his first Special Olympics, and the pics got flagged and removed. Because ignorance of how the world works never seems to stop people from throwing drooling mongo-fits. This woman must envision some poor bastard sitting behind a FB super-computer, individually investigating each of the millions of flags received every week, and making moral judgment calls on behalf of the entire corporation. And not, you know, an algorithm built into the servers that, so as to not have yeasty twats all over Facebook, just aces most of the items flagged as offensive to be on the safe side. I’m sorry, … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Sexy Ed
By Ms Lori Hey there. My name is Lori, and I am here to take you to school. Yes, darling, I know you don’t want to go to school. There is just such a glut of elitist intellectual smarty-pants propaganda floating around this country, that we could all use a little less school and a little more common Bible sense. And not only that, book-learnin’ is so hard. So I thought that, as your teacher, maybe I could pop a few blouse buttons, put my finger in my mouth, and make you hard for education. Recent History 101 (If you know the story, you may skip this section, but I will be talking about my vagina, and it will be on the test. My vag, I mean. I dip it in red ink and leave a nice little lip hug for all my A students.)* I’d like to introduce you to Jessica Ahlquist. A lot of you may know her from the death threats you sent her and her family. Some of you may even remember promising to rape her, mostly from the safe, cowardly anonymity of the internet. Some of you have done it in person, in public, and for that I applaud you. For those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is female, like I totally am, and she is a sixteen year old high school student from Rhode Island. And she is an atheist, so her opinion doesn’t count. Still, Jessica is the newest champion of constitutional civil rights in the US, and many regard her as a hero. Just the excitement of her young age and her superior reasoning skills make my nips all hard. Go ahead, feel your screen. Can you feel that? I’m working on two semi-symmetrical avocado pits here. Nine months ago: … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Mark 13:6*
(In his game this week against the Patriots, Tebow threw for 136 yrds, hence the Biblical title. It was enough to get him a mere trouncing and just shy of getting the holy shit kicked out of him. Christians will contend that numbers only apply to Bible verses when they say so.) You guys, you guys. Either Jesus told Tebow to go screw himself this week or the inimitable New England Patriots are too awesome for God to handle. Perhaps both. What we do know is that Tim Tebow was soundly Old Yellered by history’s greatest QB. But that’s not the wacky part! Take a look at Tom Brady’s stats for this week’s Divisional Playoff game against The Broncos, Tim Tebow, and the pantheon of saints (not those Saints, dummy), angels, archangels, and lesser minions of God. If you take his Completion % and multiply it by his AVG, then subtract his total yards, then add his QB rating for the game, then add his TDs and (just to be fair) subtract one for his interception… Guess. Just guess. Or do the math, but that would be stupid because I’m going to tell you. 596.* * That is the very page Dumbledore died on in The Half-Blood Prince! (If that was a spoiler for you, well then maybe it shouldn’t take you 7 years to read a childrens’ book) Do you know what this means??? I mean, really? Neither do I. It could mean Snape did some awesome dark magic and made Brady have his best game of the season in a must win against those smug internet Xtian bitches of the previous week; it could mean the richest woman in Great Britain had some money on the game and had inside men; or it could mean fucking nothing because, … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Marvelous Culture
By Sean ¨More Superhuman Than Human¨ Torrie I can barely stand Spider-Man. -Just-Barely-. When the original comic came about it was perfect. In some regard it still is. Spider-man, the way I see it, is the reason comics in this era exist the way that they do. Stan Lee created a hero that was human; he wasn’t normal human, he had powers nothing in this world should actually have, but he had human problems – and he wasn’t a grownup saving the world, he was a little boy. Screw Bucky Barnes and what ever angst his character developed in the post-Winter-Soldier era. Spider-man had no one to protect him. No super soldier, no Atlantean King, he had is dead parents and uncle to support him. He also had an aging aunt, but she was no more than a home and a grandmother figure to promote his guilt. His guilt about absolutely everything that he couldn’t prevent – because as human as he was: he wasn’t. The kind of quality that only -ONLY- a New York Jew could create. I say that, knowing I have more close Jewish friends than anyone in their right mind should (I have been a best man/groomsman at 2 Jewish weddings and I adore those families ruthlessly). Spider-man has the perfect qualities of someone who, in real life, found himself with entirely too much responsibility. As the infamous, almost righteous, quote is said: “With great power comes great responsibility.” That’s Spider-Man, and Stan Lee. If anyone tells you otherwise then send them to me. He is the brilliant person who was alive in the 60′s (1962 to be precise). There’s a reason THE RAMONES’ cover of his cartoon theme song is still one of their best known tracks: the punks-of-origin were the nerds who needed Spidey … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Hate Never Felt So Good
(Keep in mind, I abegan writing this article before the outrageously amazing game on Sunday in which the Patriots schooled Tim Tebow and Christ Hisself. The shitty part is, Tebow actually showed up to play this week, like he hasn´t since I´ve been paying attention. The article still holds true, but feel free to add a heavy undertone of smug, poor-winnerishness to the voice you have in your head while reading this. Or get Chris Daughtry to read it aloud to you in bed. He must be out of work by now.) When Peyton Manning died, or was raped insensate by mutant squirrels, or whatever happened to him so that he couldn´t play anymore, I admit I felt a little lost. I wasn´t sure my NFL experience would be as full, as magical, as fulfilling as it was when I had a clearly defined antagonist. Someone to hate passionately, almost for no good reason except that it was fun to watch him fail. And he usually delivered. Manning was as key to my enjoyment of football as the Patriots ever were. Careful what you wish for, as your mom said before she bit my dick. Peyton is gone, and the void he left nigh unfillable – – What´s that? The NFL has a special gift just for me? On Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning´s douche-pants actually look a little tight. Tim Tebow who plays like shit for three and half quarters, then happily divvies up the credit for a squeak-by win between himself and his fucking god. I mean, this guy is a real piece of canine fecal matter. While he´s luxuriating on his knees on the side-lines, his team is busy cleaning up his mess and pulling out another against-the-odds win. He´d contribute more in that position as a team … Finish reading this sumbitch!
A Disturbing Trend
By Dan Rice I have something to say. I know that this football season has been tough, and at times heartbreaking, for all of us. I’m writing this note in response to a more and more frequently occurring trend. I’m sure you’ve seen it. Your team runs an 8 man blitz against a team that won’t let the quarterback throw the ball. Your team throws a winning record away by losing 2 or 3 straight expected wins. Your team blows a 4th quarter 17 point lead to a hated rival. So what have some of you been saying in response? I. Give. Up. I give up on my coach, on my offensive linemen, on my quarterback, on my defensive secondary. I give up on my team. I’m looking for a new one. I have friends that like the Steelers, the Packers, the Patriots, the Bengals. I’ll just root for them. Heresy. Look, I want to be clear. I don’t like your team. I probably hate them. I want to see your quarterback cry. But do you know why? Because I love my team. Get it? Loving your team isn’t about having a winning record. It’s not about how many superbowl rings you have. It’s about losing your mind over every first down. Standing up on 4th and goal. Screaming over every blown call and missed opportunity. It’s about having your heart broken over and over and then coming back for more. Because if you don’t, you’re a tourist. You know what makes you a fan? Loyalty. And the whole reason you’re upset in the first place is because you really, truly, deeply give a shit. You hate that they didn’t win, didn’t make that play. You’re pissed because you care. This is my team’s history. And it’s not even the … Finish reading this sumbitch!