Uh, no, Tim. I´m over here. I kicked that field goal. Tim!

When Peyton Manning died, or was raped insensate by mutant squirrels, or whatever happened to him so that he couldn´t play anymore, I admit I felt a little lost. I wasn´t sure my NFL experience would be as full, as magical, as fulfilling as it was when I had a clearly defined antagonist. Someone to hate passionately, almost for no good reason except that it was fun to watch him fail. And he usually delivered. Manning was as key to my enjoyment of football as the Patriots ever were. Careful what you wish for, as your mom said before she bit my dick. Peyton is gone, and the void he left nigh unfillable – -

What´s that? The NFL has a special gift just for me? On Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning´s douche-pants actually look a little tight. Tim Tebow who plays like shit for three and half quarters, then happily divvies up the credit for a squeak-by win between himself and his fucking god. I mean, this guy is a real piece of canine fecal matter.

While he´s luxuriating on his knees on the side-lines, his team is busy cleaning up his mess and pulling out another against-the-odds win. He´d contribute more in that position as a team fluffer, letting his teammates write John 316 on his face in spunk. And when they lose, despite all the praying, what is the goddamned logic? If being right with god is supposed to work, why did New Orleans win that Super Bowl? (Don´t answer that, conspiracy nuts)

The game last Sunday against the Bears was won in overtime with

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

two field goals, and when the ball sailed over the goal post to win the game, what did Tebow do? Run over and hug the kicker? NO! He fucking pointed up to his sky buddy in appreciation. GOD HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT; ASSHOLE! MATT PRATER FRIGGING WON THAT GAME FOR YOU! In fact, Prater has won at least four of your games for you already this season. If God doesn´t give enough of a shit to do anything about genocide in Africa, or hurricane victims all over the goddamned world, he does not give two shits about whether the Broncos win. Still, infuriatingly, they keep doing just that.

And how does the media react? The Washington Post: Tim Tebow guides Broncos to 13-10 OT win over Bears, keeps Denver in playoff hunt.

Associated Press: Irresistible force Tebow pushes NFL around

LA Times: Tim Tebow pulls off his weekly miracle

It´s infuriating! It´s infuriating because it is incredible arrogance passed off as an extreme form of humilty. It´s infuriating because, during the games, they keep doing QB comparisons with genuinely legendary players as if he belongs in that caste. It´s infuriating because Tim Tebow genuinely sucks in a professional capacity. It´s infuriating because, against all laws of nature, he has a decent record. Which means he has a great team under his command, or there´s something to this cult nonsense afterall.

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

Tebow is famous for winning a Heisman and then interrupting our Superbowl  to remind us that, unfortunately, his mother failed to act on her instincts in time, and Tim was not aborted. Now we are forced to watch, week after week, hoping Tim Tebow gets his head knocked off his shoulders by an errant tackle. Or even better, a career ending knee shattering, so he can watch while someone with more talent and self-respect leads his team to the great season he can´t give them. “Where´s your god now, bitch?” I will happily exclaim.

This week was, for this fan, the perfect week in the NFL. God helps those who help themselves, and Brady, Welker, Gronkowski and the gang helped themselves to large piece of Tebow´s ass. Wins for

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

New England, Arizona, Detroit, Cincinatti, Miami (my mother-in-law is a fan, so a win for them is a win for me), and New Orleans. Losses for Baltimore (good for NE), Green Bay (!), both NY teams, and Pittsburgh. Amazing. But don´t think I won´t be vigilant for the rest of the season, sitting in my little gringo bar on Sundays, hoping beyond hope Tebow gets his ass seriously hurt. But deep down, I will be hoping he doesn´t, because after the initial gloating celebration, without the perfect antagonist, you might as well be watching football to masturbate at Tom Brady, and there´s nothing cool about that.