Infidel.

Scumbag Style takes to religion like a fetus takes to a rusty hanger, simultaneously in a constant, frantic, claustrophobic dodge and hurling wild, vitriolic, impotent missives like Michael J. Fox at a stoning. For the most part, though, we’ve stuck to Christianity, because we’re an American ‘zine, and Christianity is the greatest threat America has faced these few decades. We don’t fuck too much with Islam, not because in the grand scheme of things it is any better – in fact it may be worse than Christianity on a global scale. Like cholera, or Africanized bees, or Kylie Minogue; we’re not denying it sucks like whoa, it just isn’t really our problem. And anyway, the way our conservative leaders have dealt with the Muslim problem since 9/11 has been hyperbolic, racist, ignorant, jingoistic, intolerant – - I’m being redundant to make a point. There is just no reason to squat over an overflowing pool of festering horse shit.

But if you’re going to be a clown, I’m not going to just leave it. Sometimes we forget, while we deal with our own Christian fuck heads, Europe’s mostly secular Western population is suffering from a massive Muslim problem. It has been happening for some time, with Muslims hitching up the early model Toyotas and heading west, swelling European populations with their own numbers, and loudly clambering for crazy laws to be passed. It’s like if a bunch of giraffes started squatting in your home and didn’t learn to eat at the table, but demanded all chicken dinners be put in the attic where they can reach it, because there are four of you and six of them. But most of us were made aware of the scope of the fucktardery by reports of the Jihad against a Danish newspaper cartoonist who published an unflattering picture of Mohammad, and a price was put on his head, and attempts were made on his life (sigh, read). Brutal shit. At least in America we can do this to Jesus:

I have worse. You´re welcome.

Ours sure ain’t the greatest nation in the world, but a country that lets you do that to one of its greatest heroes is at least worth the tanker truck of Spic n Span it needs to clean it up.

Anyway, Muslims in Europe have declared Jihad on friggin’ dogs. Dogs. Those animals humanity domesticated before we learned how to write on clay slabs about how useful these motherfuckers are. From what I can tell, the Jihad is still metaphorical, but religion routinely makes people do crazier things than declaring a Fatwa on a whole species. How many religions have convinced their entire flock to wear seriously goofy hats? Countless, is the answer. Hating on specific groups of animals in the 21st century is not out of the question.

The issue stems from the fact that dogs are unclean animals, according to Muslim tradition. Mohammed

Disgusting!

on a Monorail, what is clean to these people? Take everything out of society they think is unclean, you’ll have the contents of a surgical theater, minus all the really smart Jews. And seriously, like I tried to explain to my wife in bed the other night, “clean” is a pretty subjective term. In their homeland, they must get so much sand in their food on a routine basis that their diet must consist of 70% mud. Is that clean?

So because dogs are unclean, Muslims in The Hague, Netherlands (again with the Netherlands) are trying to outlaw them completely. Everywhere. How do you even enforce something like – - Oh, no! Holy Cutest Holocaust Ever, Batman! Right now, I imagine, the savvy amongst the Dutch population are turning their attics into soundproof kennels. Cat costumes are going like hotcakes. Their owners are bringing them into vets and paying top dollar for plastic surgery to make them look more like… I don’t know. Marmosets? Are Tasmanian Devils clean? The gas chambers don’t know the difference. I can’t stop picturing adorable little puppies, buried up to their necks in the Fiords, pelted with rocks by hooting savages. It’s haunting.

ROAR! I am of SATAN!

The furry infidels have been facing some serious adversity already, in England of all places. Not Number The Stars or Maus shit (I… only read at a fifth grade level), but easily Rosa Parks level hassles. Effing literally. Pet owners have been harassed in public parks. Blind people with guide dogs have been kicked off of buses and out of restaurants and supermarkets because another patron was Muslim, and she might get offended. Others because the bus driver was Muslim, and fuck you, that’s why. Gotta get to work? Go to Braille class? Solve important crimes with your heightened sense of touch? Win the fuck out of a staring contest? Get some new eyes, bitch. (I really don’t know what blind people do with most of their days)

My favorite part of this is that Muslims in airports across Europe are getting free passes from bomb and gun sniffing dogs. I shit you not. Sniffing dogs aren’t allowed anywhere near them because Islam says dogs are unclean. It is goddamned genius! “Um, yeah, my religion says I must face Detroit three times a day and do bong rips until I can’t stand. Also, you. Yes, you with the cans. Your shirt offends me on a spiritual level.”

What kind of person do you have to be to find this level of crazy acceptable? You can’t – you just cunting

I am the kind of person you have to be to find this acceptable.

can’t – exorcise other peoples’ lifestyles because they offend your stupid superstitions. You can’t live in a Western Democracy and tell people they can’t have dogs because, on a purely spiritual level, you think they are unclean. Physically, in the world sane people inhabit, dogs are only mildly offensive slobber machines that occasionally get uncomfortably up in your shit at your friend’s house. I know people who are more annoying than that (lookin’ at you, Aunt Carol), and yes, most of those people are dog owners, but that’s neither here nor there. You might be able to get away with that shit at home, Ahmed, but Europe’s done a pretty good job of silencing their fundie Christians, and now they have practice. Sit the fuck down.

And if you still feel you should have that ability, then you better make some damned good provisions for the people you’re inconveniencing across the continent. You fucking wear a barrel of whiskey around your neck and trudge through the Alps rescuing skiers. You hang out by wells all day and alert Ma when kids fall down them. You run around the fields herding uncooperative sheep into pens (I know, I thought of Babe too, but pigs are unclean too! You can’t win with these people!). You strap on a leash and lead blind people through London foot traffic.

I happen to have a picture of Mohammed doing just that. Come and get me, bitch.

What, do you think, are the odds the American public will learn from this? Will they recognize a corollary between Europe’s pending Muslim prohibitions, maybe realize that stifling something like gay marriage, because their version of Jesus thinks it is icky, is dangerously toxic to the very concept of Democracy, as most religious ideas are? Or will they live up to expectations and cite the Puppycaust as yet another reason to burn Korans and keep Muslims out of middle Manhattan? Leave your thoughts below.

The conspiracy thickens.

(SAY! What else could Mohammed be doing for the community while he´s busy fucking over Europe? Draw a picture and send it to Scumbag Style´s Bitch Box, and you could win a t-shirt!)

Full disclosure: This guy did all my research for me. I just brought the vitriol and 5 year-old sense of humor. Like a real journalist, he links to the relevent stories. You think I have time to read all the newspapers of entire continent I don´t inhabit?