If going a whole month without running around town, talking shit about yur husband, let him go. At least HE won´t be a miserable twat for the rest of his life.

Nothing is better than a wife that hasn’t grown so crusty, jaded, and complacent in her marriage that she can’t take a few minutes out of her busy schege to do something for her husband. A surprise dinner, a homemade card, a drink and slipper greeting, an asshole bleaching; dudes dig that shit, and it’s nice to remind him he hasn’t bought permanently into the life of ball mangling, future sapping, constant drunkitude Leah Ramini makes marriage out to be. Unfortunately (for the women at least), the more uncreative amongst the fairer sex are often left with constant sore-jaw for lack of any better ideas as to how to show their appreciation. If only there was a way to do that without actually doing anything.

Enter Facebook, with a Group that firmly yanks our sacks out of the matrimonial Icy Hot with 31 ideas that allow a wife to indulge her narcissism and natural predilection toward condescension while pretending to do something sweet for her husband. Ladies, they’re all awesome, and they beat the bag out of giving that semi-annual “Relations With the Lights On” coupon he might actually grow the gumption to redeem one of these days.

It’s called “31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband,” and it is even more preachy and self-serving (in a good way) than the title suggests. Contained in this set of solipsistic psalms is all the problem externalization and imagined solution outsourcing any pious Christian wife could possibly ask to put off the inevitable messy divorce for one whole month. Here’s one of my favorites:

Day 1 – Lord, I pray that my husband will grow spiritually and consider his accountability before You. I pray that he will guard his heart by developing spiritual disciplines – Bible reading and study, prayer, meditation, scripture memorization, etc. (2 Peter 3:18; Prov. 4:23)

Fun! Nothing says matrimonial bliss like scripture memorization. Ooo! Maybe on a hard, splintery, wooden chair! But that’s not all! For the same price you get this popular classic.

Day 27 – I pray that my husband will understand the importance of taking care of his body – the temple of the Holy Spirit – for the glory of God. I pray that he will practice self-control by making wise food choices and get sufficient exercise to stay healthy. (Rom. 12:1-2; 1 Cor. 6:19-20, 9:27)

Gotta stay sexy for that hot hot fundie sex, and if Jesus has to be your personal trainer, so be it. Any potential flaw you could possibly imagine, any condescending rule of order you can winch onto your already strangled, sexually repressed relationship, “31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband” has an a la carte menu of haiku sized petitions to the almighty hypnotizer to suit all of your needs. Remember, you knew when you got into this marriage this guy couldn’t be trusted to bathe himself regularly. A time comes when you have to call in a third party to see to the big stuff. This one takes that lesson all the way home to mom:

Day 8 – Lord, I pray that my husband will work hard to provide for our family, to the best of his ability. I pray that the character qualities necessary for a successful career and ministry will be a growing part of his character – persistence, decisiveness, strength, an analytical mind, organizational skills, positive relationships with people, determination, etc. (Rom. 12:11; 1 Cor. 15:58)

Did you see that? “Etc.”! It´s like a letter to Santa! I´d really like a trike, a nina turtles dream house, a little brother, and you know, whatever else you can think of. Asking for things is tiring. Like thinking. Surprise me.

Day 7 – I pray that my husband will safeguard his heart against inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex. Lord, let his heart be pure and undivided in his commitment to me. (Prov. 6:23-24, 26; Rom 13:14)

This is getting a little insulting… Why exactly did you marry this dude if you thought there was the chance he was going to screw around. Where´s the trust, babe? You need to call in outside help to make sure I´m not boinking my secretary? Shit…

Day 10 – Lord, I pray my husband will cultivate strong integrity, and not compromise his convictions. I pray that his testimony will be genuine, that he will be honest in his business dealings, and will never do anything that he needs to hide from others. (Prov. 20:7; 1 Tim.1:5,3:7; Eph.6:10-12)

If you genuinely feel you can’t count on me to be a decent, upstanding man and a loving, caring husband, you better start praying I don’t throw you down the stairs. Or maybe you should have done your praying before you committed to marrying my sorry, deadbeat ass, and gotten yourself a good, happy Jesus slave. Better late than never though, right? Go for it. And while you have the J.C. on the horn, want to put in an order for a blond with nice tits and a generous policy concerning tush occupancy? You know, while we’re asking for improvements.

Day 20 – God, I pray that my husband will yield his mind and thoughts to the Lord. I pray that he will not entertain immoral or impure thoughts,and that he will resist the temptation to indulge in pornography.(Prov. 27:12; 2 Cor. 10:5

Are you noticing a trend here? Bonus, ladies. At the same time you are publicly – you created a fucking Facebook group about it, now – publicly taking credit for doing a good wifely deed, you are really praying for nobody but yourself. Might as well pray that a potpourri truck is snagged in your giant doily web out in the street, or whatever chicks wish for, because that shit is all you. This is as juvenile as those fourth grade girls that make those little notebook paper fortune tellers, and ask them if their future husband will be handsome, swarthy (pirate girl), or a doctor, or a Nick Carter. Not to mention exactly as reliable.

Kindly allow me to speak for my target male demographic for the moment. Ladies, if you feel the need to grant us this kind of favor, don’t bother. We deal with enough condescension and derision from the bulk of our daily lives, we don’t need it from you. We had every intention of keeping it in our pants and forking over the checks until we found out you didn’t think us capable. Now we want to screw around just to show you how useless your “prayers” for “us” are. So thanks, but we’d rather not be the victim of your spiritual masturbations. And if that doesn’t drive the point home, here’s my one day prayer for you:

“May my wife have the trust to know I´m not going to screw her sister, the decency not to talk shit about me to her imaginary friends, and the willingness to provide regular beejes because she appreciates me for who I am, not for who her sky wizard can make me. (Book of Eatmebitch 20:21)”

There you have it. There are far more productive things you can do on your knees. Oh, and while we’re on the subject of bitches cutting the shit, stop calling us “hubbies.” Squirmsville.