(“Trust me, it’s sterile. The only raping here is Marlboro prices. Criminal! Hahaha! Bend over.”)

Pinch my perineum, because there is no way I’m not dreaming this news story out of New Jersey from NBC NY: NJ Officials Investigate Botched Booty Boosts. That’s some spiffy alliteration for what the video news report goes on to say is a medical concern of Kim “Badonkulous” Kardashian proportions. I’ll let Religious Programming Emmy Award winning correspondent Lynda Baquero revive and refresh an old standby:

The new Jersey health department is trying to get the word out about someone who is offering to enhance women’s rear ends, by using an injection that includes, believe it or not, cock.”

She went on to say, “Too late, bitches, you already forked over the Emmy.” Wait, hold on. OH! “Caulk.” See, you went with the antiquated and misleading medium of video reporting and we, the humble transcribers, come off as so much low rent closed captioners with tourettes.  Don’t crucify her yet, because the only excuse for irresponsible journalism is if it makes immature people do a spit take and feel good about the fact that they bothered to wake up. As far as I’m concerned, the report did not last even half as long as it should have, but the interviews yielded some goodies:

“Have you ever heard of caulk being used in someone’s body before?”

Did they say how the caulk felt in their bums? Was it something of an uncomfortable, full feeling, like you have to drop a deuce the size and shape of a walrus with elephantiasis? Well, Lynda, it was a miracle they could handle all that caulk in their rear ends, there was an awful lot of it. It’s a good thing this didn’t happen in the Middle East. You can get buried alive for having that kind of injection. Whachu gonna do with all that junk?

“Authorities say these women survived because they got swift medical attention.”

My word, that’s some powerful caulk. Hospital grade shit. Isn’t “medical attention” what got them into trouble in the first place? Some people never learn. Listen ladies, as a professed ass man, I was reticent to bring this story to the masses, because I would never want to discourage the Mix-A-Lot treatment. The report goes on to warn that you consult real physicians before offering your ass up for slicing in the back of the corner liquor store (it’s right next to the hardware store, dummy), as that was the mistake these Jersey sluts made, but that seems like a lot of work. I say: Just go for it. When the moment comes, and you hear your doctor/meth dealer giggling, it’s a good possibility that he’s about to turn your pooper into a living, jiggling pun. That’ll be your cue to take your business elsewhere, like a Mexican bait shop. Glad we had this talk.

"your waist is small and your curves are kickin, and I'm thinkin bout stickin" - Baby Got Back, circa 1992

By this, the good Sir was not, in fact, referring to industrial grade adhesives. But you should sue him for misleading women anyway, so he has to do another dumb Burger King and Sponge Bob cross-promotion for permission to sift through the dumpsters for food for another six months.