These last couple of weeks I learned that one cannot live exclusively on the internet, that one must interact with human beings, maintain something resembling employment, and take legally mandatory vacations in Nicaragua. I shit you not. But it turns out that doesn’t really matter, because while I was gone, none of you motherfuckers did anything of any importance anyway. GOP Primaries, CISPA, John Edwards, Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor (just because they both had addiction problems doesn’t mean a non-actress can play a great one) – - it’s all just one big holding pattern because for the last two weeks the world has been utterly uninteresting.

How do I know? Because instead of going out and tossing the pigskin around, you were all bitching about things nobody would ever care about otherwise:

No Tards On Facebook Didn’t think mental retardation was genetic? Check out this poor kid’s mom. Brought to my attention by my buddy Cait, there’s an actually retarded petition going around, which has already gotten more than its requisite signatures, demanding Facebook not censor pictures of children with disabilities. Seems some woman posted pictures of her 7 year old son, who has Down Syndrome and is participating in his first Special Olympics, and the pics got flagged and removed. Because ignorance of how the world works never seems to stop people from throwing drooling mongo-fits. This woman must envision some poor bastard sitting behind a FB super-computer, individually investigating each of the millions of flags received every week, and making moral judgment calls on behalf of the entire corporation. And not, you know, an algorithm built into the servers that, so as to not have yeasty twats all over Facebook, just aces most of the items flagged as offensive to be on the safe side. I’m sorry, young Cole, you may be able to long jump with the best of the Gumps, but you’ll probably drown in the tub before you leave your mom’s care.

Mitt Romney’s Idiot Wife I’ve only half been paying attention, so you must have heard that Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen said that single mother and professional millionaire Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life, implying that perhaps a woman with more money than a Jewish movie producer with a Bilderberg weekend pass that has never held a job in the public sphere may not be the ideal spokesperson for women in the workplace in these harsh economic times. A poor choice of words, perhaps, but one that can be easily deciphered by anyone with half a brain and a Dan Brown book. But since the average woman that votes Republican in the US doesn’t have half a brain, conservative media was able to convince stay-at-home moms that Rosen meant that raising kids isn’t hard, and they’ve birthing kittens all over my news feed ever since. They still won’t drop it, weeks later, clinging to it like Chris Christie to the last package of Double-Stuff Oreos in Road Warrior times. Because having a full time nanny and maid staff, not to mention money to hire the most responsible 15-year-old babysitter in Ripley’s, is exactly like what single mothers working two jobs go through. Ann Romney recently said, “I love the fact that there are also women out there that don’t have a choice and they must go to work and they still have to raise the kids.” Rosen was absolutely right, and if you don’t stfu about what Fox News wants you to get upset about, you might miss what they’re sneaking past you while you shit yourself over nothing. This is nothing but manufactured controversy, because the Republicans have nothing real to bitch about, as Obama is doing his fucking job for once.

Spiritual Affiliation and Porn We all know that fundamentalists hate on porn to such a frightening degree they are often able to do something about it. Now a couple of idiots over at American Humanist are insisting that secular humanists ought to hate on porn too, because it objectifies women, depicts them as things to use for gratification, blah blah blah bullshit spouted by people who don’t know what they are talking about. Now, this kind of argument has been debunked so many times I’m out of fingers and toes and penises to count them on. But I want to take issue with the idea that the viewer of porn, whilst focusing on the sexual act, is not taking the woman’s personality into account. On the contrary, I personally find pornography boring if the woman does not express any emotion or self in the scene. How does she feel about being double penetrated while hanging upside down with a piss funnel in her mouth, I’d like to know. If she doesn’t react, how can I tell if she is enjoying it or not, and adjust my self-ministrations accordingly? If anything, it is more often the man (in traditional porn) that is used as the anonymous stand-in, good only for his cock and grunts. And even if it were true that porn removes the woman’s self from the equation, must all art include every aspect of the subject? Wouldn’t that severely muddy the result and make it, in effect, not art? Would it make you happy if she wrote an treatise about her experience afterward (because they do that sometimes, in adorably terrible grammar)? Go read Jenna Jameson’s book about being rich, and ask her if she feels exploited.

Tim Tebow’s Penis Inexplicably demonized infidelity dating service Ashley Madison (Huffpost of all outlets calls it an “incredibly sleazy dating service… sinking to new lows) is offering a million clams to any woman that can factually disprove Tebow’s claim that he is a virgin, ignoring the real mystery of why anyone claiming to be a man would ever advertise the fact. Frankly, my boy R-Gronks has the right idea by offering to claim it for him. The only way to prove a dude is a mary is for a chick to give him a shot. When he has no idea what he’s doing and blows in her hand, we have a loser! Anyway, if Tebow’s myriad chokes on the field aren’t enough evidence he isn’t pumping his anxiety into a supermodel or pop star like a respectable NFL quarterback, you don’t know the definition of empirical. Easily solved, stfu about it.

Hey, for all we know, the lack of real news featuring real people I could have mocked is due to the fact that good things were happening. Alaska Airlines stopped serving bible passages with in-flight meals, and Kansas’ personhood bill failed because women live there. We’re not all pessimism and dick jokes here. Well done, you guys.

Uh, no, Tim. I´m over here. I kicked that field goal. Tim!

When Peyton Manning died, or was raped insensate by mutant squirrels, or whatever happened to him so that he couldn´t play anymore, I admit I felt a little lost. I wasn´t sure my NFL experience would be as full, as magical, as fulfilling as it was when I had a clearly defined antagonist. Someone to hate passionately, almost for no good reason except that it was fun to watch him fail. And he usually delivered. Manning was as key to my enjoyment of football as the Patriots ever were. Careful what you wish for, as your mom said before she bit my dick. Peyton is gone, and the void he left nigh unfillable – -

What´s that? The NFL has a special gift just for me? On Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning´s douche-pants actually look a little tight. Tim Tebow who plays like shit for three and half quarters, then happily divvies up the credit for a squeak-by win between himself and his fucking god. I mean, this guy is a real piece of canine fecal matter.

While he´s luxuriating on his knees on the side-lines, his team is busy cleaning up his mess and pulling out another against-the-odds win. He´d contribute more in that position as a team fluffer, letting his teammates write John 316 on his face in spunk. And when they lose, despite all the praying, what is the goddamned logic? If being right with god is supposed to work, why did New Orleans win that Super Bowl? (Don´t answer that, conspiracy nuts)

The game last Sunday against the Bears was won in overtime with

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

two field goals, and when the ball sailed over the goal post to win the game, what did Tebow do? Run over and hug the kicker? NO! He fucking pointed up to his sky buddy in appreciation. GOD HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT; ASSHOLE! MATT PRATER FRIGGING WON THAT GAME FOR YOU! In fact, Prater has won at least four of your games for you already this season. If God doesn´t give enough of a shit to do anything about genocide in Africa, or hurricane victims all over the goddamned world, he does not give two shits about whether the Broncos win. Still, infuriatingly, they keep doing just that.

And how does the media react? The Washington Post: Tim Tebow guides Broncos to 13-10 OT win over Bears, keeps Denver in playoff hunt.

Associated Press: Irresistible force Tebow pushes NFL around

LA Times: Tim Tebow pulls off his weekly miracle

It´s infuriating! It´s infuriating because it is incredible arrogance passed off as an extreme form of humilty. It´s infuriating because, during the games, they keep doing QB comparisons with genuinely legendary players as if he belongs in that caste. It´s infuriating because Tim Tebow genuinely sucks in a professional capacity. It´s infuriating because, against all laws of nature, he has a decent record. Which means he has a great team under his command, or there´s something to this cult nonsense afterall.

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

Tebow is famous for winning a Heisman and then interrupting our Superbowl  to remind us that, unfortunately, his mother failed to act on her instincts in time, and Tim was not aborted. Now we are forced to watch, week after week, hoping Tim Tebow gets his head knocked off his shoulders by an errant tackle. Or even better, a career ending knee shattering, so he can watch while someone with more talent and self-respect leads his team to the great season he can´t give them. “Where´s your god now, bitch?” I will happily exclaim.

This week was, for this fan, the perfect week in the NFL. God helps those who help themselves, and Brady, Welker, Gronkowski and the gang helped themselves to large piece of Tebow´s ass. Wins for

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

New England, Arizona, Detroit, Cincinatti, Miami (my mother-in-law is a fan, so a win for them is a win for me), and New Orleans. Losses for Baltimore (good for NE), Green Bay (!), both NY teams, and Pittsburgh. Amazing. But don´t think I won´t be vigilant for the rest of the season, sitting in my little gringo bar on Sundays, hoping beyond hope Tebow gets his ass seriously hurt. But deep down, I will be hoping he doesn´t, because after the initial gloating celebration, without the perfect antagonist, you might as well be watching football to masturbate at Tom Brady, and there´s nothing cool about that.

I have something to say.

I know that this football season has been tough, and at times heartbreaking, for all of us.

You keep your mouths shut, Packer fans!

I’m writing this note in response to a more and more frequently occurring trend.  I’m sure you’ve seen it.

Your team runs an 8 man blitz against a team that won’t let the quarterback throw the ball.  Your team throws a winning record away by losing 2 or 3 straight expected wins.  Your team blows a 4th quarter 17 point lead to a hated rival.

So what have some of you been saying in response?   I. Give. Up.  I give up on my coach, on my offensive linemen, on my quarterback, on my defensive secondary.  I give up on my team.  I’m looking for a new one.  I have friends that like the Steelers, the Packers, the Patriots, the Bengals.  I’ll just root for them.

Heresy.

Look, I want to be clear.  I don’t like your team.  I probably hate them.  I want to see your quarterback cry.  But do you know why?  Because I love my team.  Get it?

Loving your team isn’t about having a winning record.  It’s not about how many superbowl rings you have.  It’s about losing your mind over every first down.  Standing up on 4th and goal.  Screaming over every blown call and missed opportunity.  It’s about having your heart broken over and over and then coming back for more.  Because if you don’t, you’re a tourist.  You know what makes you a fan?  Loyalty.

And, like absurd costumes, loyalty does not guarantee your team a win. As the Seahawks continually find.

And the whole reason you’re upset in the first place is because you really, truly, deeply give a shit.  You hate that they didn’t win, didn’t make that play.  You’re pissed because you care.

This is my team’s history.  And it’s not even the worst franchise record.

The Patriots franchise joined the AFL in 1959.

In 1976, the Patriots earned a wild-card playoff berth, but lost to the eventual Super Bowl Champion Oakland Raiders, 24-21.

In 1978, the Patriots won their first outright division title in franchise history, but lost to the Houston Oilers on Dec. 31, 31-14, in the franchise’s first home playoff game.

In 1985, the Patriots gained a wild-card berth in the playoffs and went on to defeat the New York Jets, Los Angeles Raiders and the Miami Dolphins on the road to win their first AFC Championship and a trip to Super Bowl XX. Unfortunately, the Patriots faced one of the dominant teams of the ’80s as the Chicago Bears rolled to a 46-10 Super Bowl victory. I was 1.

The Patriots continued their rise during a memorable 1996 season, winning the AFC Championship and returning to the Super Bowl for the second time in team history. The Patriots finished 11-5 and scored two home playoff wins, 28-3 vs. Pittsburgh and 20-6 vs. Jacksonville, winning the AFC Championship in front of a sold out Foxboro Stadium crowd. The Patriots were defeated by the Green Bay Packers in Super Bowl XXXI, 35-21.  I was 12, and for the next year, I would have told you it was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Let the record show, this was actually the worst thing that ever happened to him.

The Patriots capped off an 11-5 regular season in 2001 with three playoff wins for the ages and the first Super Bowl title in team history.

In Super Bowl XXXVI at the Superdome in New Orleans on Feb. 3, 2002, the Patriots defeated the St. Louis Rams, 20-17, in one of the most dramatic Super Bowl finishes in history. After the Patriots took a 17-3 lead into the fourth quarter, St. Louis rallied to tie the game at 17. But quarterback Tom Brady marched the Patriots into Vinatieri’s field goal range and his 48-yard kick sailed through the uprights as time expired to give New England its first NFL Championship. I was 17.

That night was the first time I saw a group of grown men cry without shame.  The small town that I live in is a suburb of Boston.  These men, our fathers, uncles, and brothers, had been fans for the entire history of the franchise.  Imagine remaining steadfast for over 40 years.  Through every heartbreak, every choke, every draft, every season ending loss. You wanna talk about loyalty?  You wanna talk about faith?

Some people might not understand.  But you do.  You know that your team is more than a group of men in tight pants fighting over a ball.  They represent where you were raised, and by extension a part of who you are.  Like it or not, you’re stuck with them.  Don’t believe me?  Then take a moment to visualize yourself rooting for your rival.  You feel that twisting in your gut?  It’s happening because you know that it would be fundamentally wrong.

A winning record cannot buy your loyalty.

A Lombardy Trophy can’t buy your love.

You are not a prostitute.

Well, most of you aren't...