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Afternoon Quickies: Oh, STFU! Edition, 4 Realz

These last couple of weeks I learned that one cannot live exclusively on the internet, that one must interact with human beings, maintain something resembling employment, and take legally mandatory vacations in Nicaragua. I shit you not. But it turns out that doesn’t really matter, because while I was gone, none of you motherfuckers did anything of any importance anyway. GOP Primaries, CISPA, John Edwards, Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor (just because they both had addiction problems doesn’t mean a non-actress can play a great one) – – it’s all just one big holding pattern because for the last two weeks the world has been utterly uninteresting. How do I know? Because instead of going out and tossing the pigskin around, you were all bitching about things nobody would ever care about otherwise: No Tards On Facebook Didn’t think mental retardation was genetic? Check out this poor kid’s mom. Brought to my attention by my buddy Cait, there’s an actually retarded petition going around, which has already gotten more than its requisite signatures, demanding Facebook not censor pictures of children with disabilities. Seems some woman posted pictures of her 7 year old son, who has Down Syndrome and is participating in his first Special Olympics, and the pics got flagged and removed. Because ignorance of how the world works never seems to stop people from throwing drooling mongo-fits. This woman must envision some poor bastard sitting behind a FB super-computer, individually investigating each of the millions of flags received every week, and making moral judgment calls on behalf of the entire corporation. And not, you know, an algorithm built into the servers that, so as to not have yeasty twats all over Facebook, just aces most of the items flagged as offensive to be on the safe side. I’m sorry, … Finish reading this sumbitch!

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Hate Never Felt So Good

(Keep in mind, I abegan writing this article before the outrageously amazing game on Sunday in which the Patriots schooled Tim Tebow and Christ Hisself. The shitty part is, Tebow actually showed up to play this week, like he hasn´t since I´ve been paying attention. The article still holds true, but feel free to add a heavy undertone of smug, poor-winnerishness to the voice you have in your head while reading this. Or get Chris Daughtry to read it aloud to you in bed. He must be out of work by now.) When Peyton Manning died, or was raped insensate by mutant squirrels, or whatever happened to him so that he couldn´t play anymore, I admit I felt a little lost. I wasn´t sure my NFL experience would be as full, as magical, as fulfilling as it was when I had a clearly defined antagonist. Someone to hate passionately, almost for no good reason except that it was fun to watch him fail. And he usually delivered. Manning was as key to my enjoyment of football as the Patriots ever were. Careful what you wish for, as your mom said before she bit my dick. Peyton is gone, and the void he left nigh unfillable – – What´s that? The NFL has a special gift just for me? On Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning´s douche-pants actually look a little tight. Tim Tebow who plays like shit for three and half quarters, then happily divvies up the credit for a squeak-by win between himself and his fucking god. I mean, this guy is a real piece of canine fecal matter. While he´s luxuriating on his knees on the side-lines, his team is busy cleaning up his mess and pulling out another against-the-odds win. He´d contribute more in that position as a team … Finish reading this sumbitch!

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A Disturbing Trend

By Dan Rice I have something to say. I know that this football season has been tough, and at times heartbreaking, for all of us. I’m writing this note in response to a more and more frequently occurring trend.  I’m sure you’ve seen it. Your team runs an 8 man blitz against a team that won’t let the quarterback throw the ball.  Your team throws a winning record away by losing 2 or 3 straight expected wins.  Your team blows a 4th quarter 17 point lead to a hated rival. So what have some of you been saying in response?   I. Give. Up.  I give up on my coach, on my offensive linemen, on my quarterback, on my defensive secondary.  I give up on my team.  I’m looking for a new one.  I have friends that like the Steelers, the Packers, the Patriots, the Bengals.  I’ll just root for them. Heresy. Look, I want to be clear.  I don’t like your team.  I probably hate them.  I want to see your quarterback cry.  But do you know why?  Because I love my team.  Get it? Loving your team isn’t about having a winning record.  It’s not about how many superbowl rings you have.  It’s about losing your mind over every first down.  Standing up on 4th and goal.  Screaming over every blown call and missed opportunity.  It’s about having your heart broken over and over and then coming back for more.  Because if you don’t, you’re a tourist.  You know what makes you a fan?  Loyalty. And the whole reason you’re upset in the first place is because you really, truly, deeply give a shit.  You hate that they didn’t win, didn’t make that play.  You’re pissed because you care. This is my team’s history.  And it’s not even the … Finish reading this sumbitch!

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