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Tag Archives: jesus
Me Meme. Memememe. ME! OH MY GOD LOOK AT ME!
By Sean “Criticizes Memes, Wears Stewie Griffin Tees” Torrie Unless you’re in middle school, which I could foresee of some of the readers of this site are, you can recall that subtle territory wherein the “everybody’s equal” mentality of kindergarten started to dissolve in favor of, ”Wait now. That more popular kid is getting far more attention from the suddenly appealing females,” or, “Hold up now. That nerdy weakling is doing far better than I am with his grades,” or, “That… that kid dressed in black that’s both unpopular and of medium intelligence – that kid with openly neglectful parents that seems to be getting really, really into satanism and buying a small army’s worth of assault rifles – seems to have an awful lot of maps of the school.” At this point of your life you began to pick up on a sense of individuality, even if you chose to give up your burgeoning sense of independent thought in favor of more traditional or ‘normal’ ideas. You started developing your political ideals. Your sense of humor also blossomed. Humor that, if you’ve ever endured a conversation with me that was longer than 10 minutes, has become far more abstract than it was a few decades ago. Shit, I was in Williamsburg Brooklyn for the first time in my life last night, and if what I saw there wasn’t a dress code and lifestyle based on a maladapted sense of self-deprecating humor, then I have no idea what was going on. By some certain measure: ironic humor is clearly alive, if not unwell and malnourished there. I’m digressing because I need to mention that I loathe hipsters, but it’s not completely off topic. This particular episode of Southpark really highlighted the desperate need to be recognized that seems to be present in the your average … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Exposition at the Hideout
Phew. Ok, looks like we’re going to get away with this, guys. We just need to keep our stories straight. Here’s the official story the press is going with: Church fakes teens’ kidnapping using real gun A southeasternPennsylvania church subjected members of a youth group to a mock kidnapping and interrogations without telling them it was staged,[in order to prepare them for future missionary work abroad]. (MSNBC) Exactly. A “mock” kidnapping. It was “staged.” “Fake.” As long as the national media says it wasn’t real, even though we were using a real gun, and even though neither parents nor children were informed of it beforehand, everyone will just go with it. Who came up with that idea about “liberal media?” That was genius. Even MSNBC won’t publicly recognize a spade for a spade. Look, we’ve done this twice before, and had no problem. The only reason anyone even knows that an off duty cop and a retired Army captain kidnapped a bunch of pre-teens is because that one stupid bitch is pissed we held her little girl at real gunpoint with a bag over her head. What is the power of one indignant twat against Jesus in this country? No sweat, give it a week, and this issue will be goner than a barren woman’s husband. “They pulled my chair out from underneath me, and then they told me to get on the ground,” she told the station. “I had my hands behind my back. They said, ‘Just do as I say, and you won’t be hurt… They heard me crying,” the girl said. “Why not right then and there tell us it was a joke, when you see me crying?” That… might be damaging. We should have cut her tongue out when she started crying. Ah, but then we’d … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Fresh, Fit, and Fart Meal
I would hate to be this stupid bitch’s toilet come tomorrow morning… (credit where it’s due)
Success!
By the frigging sweet grace of the Great and Powerful OZ Almighty, and the awesome power of prayer so hard it looks like constipation, The First Baptist Church of Dallas has managed to raise the money it so desperately needed. Times may be lean in America, but the Lord takes care of his own, granting the Church the pants-crappingly huge sum of One Hundred and Fifteen Million (115,000,000) bones. Praise Him! Don’t spend it all in one place, you guys. In fact, we should think of all kinds of ways to spend this money that would best exemplify the Christian God’s compassion, generosity, beneficence – – A Dallas megachurch is imploding four buildings Saturday morning to make way for a $115 million campus. (Christianpost) Exactly! A consecrated, tax-exempt upgrade, something to showcase the oft-ostentatious “glory of God,” as Pastor Robert Jeffress puts it. Those four buildings He provided us were great and all, but their, I dunno… smallness? oldness? Whatever it was really distracted people from worshiping. And really, did you expect Patricia to kneel down in her smart new pantsuit whilst surrounded by so much dusty, homespun ’90s humdrum? Crisis averted, Lord. Thank you. Tell me more! Will there be seats? Crosses? Reportedly the largest church expansion program in modern history, the 1.5 million-square-foot campus will include a new 3,000-seat worship center, a six-floor education building, recreation areas, a sky bridge made of glass, a fountain with a water tower topped by a cross and a parking garage. A homeless shelter, an orphanage, a soup kitchen, a refuge for those hit hardest by the failing economy, a business that would provide the community with jobs – – Oh, none of that? Well, you can’t have everything. $115 million (one hundred and fifteen million dollars) could save a parishioner or … Finish reading this sumbitch!
All Up In Your Foxhole
Western Christians refuse to admit it, but the idiot aphorism spouted relentlessly by bumper-sticker retards concerning atheists in foxholes has been thoroughly debunked, and they know it. So they have to come up with something else you can’t do as an atheist – – besides, of course, keep a straight face in church. A friend told me his cousin did it once, but it smacks of the whole “pink sock” story that everyone has a friend who knows somebody to whom it has happened. Anyway, the meaningless drivel void needed filling, and the new article “No Nurse Is an Atheist” is just the caulk to do it. Author Christina Feist-Heilmeier, RN, a thirty-plus year veteran of nursing (if you’re so smart, how come you never became a doctor, huh?), posits that it is impossible to be an atheist and a nurse at the same time. Kind of like chewing gum and doing your mom from behind. Christina Hyphenation says she has known hundreds of nurses, and not one of them has been an atheist. Perhaps it is because they’re scared shitless she’d have them killed to maintain her wildly unrealistic philosophy. Perhaps it is because she lives in Utah or Arkansas. Perhaps she’s one of those assholes that hands out fliers and tries to ‘save’ all those who don’t believe as she does, and nobody bothers discussing it with her. Speaking of which, who do you suggest a nurse pray to when she can’t find a vein, or accidentally put turkey gravy in the IV drip? (as if he didn’t smell the pew polish all over this…) Nurses from any faith do better for themselves and for their patients by actively practicing their faith. The Muslim nurse strives to be a better Muslim. The Hindu nurse strives to be a … Finish reading this sumbitch!
The Bitch Box, On Tour
Normally the Bitch Box is reserved for hate mail, corrections, terrible advice, death threats – the usual front-of-the-magazine fare. But in this special case, more discussion about Scumbag Style happened outside these epithet caked halls by strangers than ever happened within. Over at Osler’s Razor, the proprietor made a point of linking to SBS, as we had apparently published a response to something he wrote… the wonderful, exhausting, endless blog chain that I happily add a link to with this edition of The Bitch Box. He directed his readers to my response, as he enjoyed my perspective, as well as one of another author. A good, open minded fellow is hard to find in our angry, stilted blogosphere, and I thank him heartily for the recognition, not to mention the traffic. I wish to Christ I knew exactly what the debate concerned, but by the time I got there, the link to SBS was broken, so I could not find out what was said. It matters not, however, when you read his fans’ responses. Unreasonably interesting, says I. By The Duchess I felt like I was suffering for my own sins when reading the Scumbag article. Firstly the drawing of him scared me very badly. He had crazy angry eyes. Remind me never to invite him to tea.Or perhaps I should,to overcome the prejudice I have against crazy,angry eyes. As one who loves to write myself,I have to say,and he would hate this,his style is a combination of the divine and profane. And is original,which I count precious. Odd word. I know you don’t want me to discuss style. The article by and large made me sad. He sees no Love. To focus on the scapegoat metaphor instead of the Man,Jesus Christ,who he was and what he said is an … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Daddy Issues
By Sean “Abort ´Em Til You Can Aford ´Em” Torrie Ok folks, let me explain a few things. I’m open to missing a point somewhere in here, maybe it’s me in my youth not understanding some key element of existence, but I do believe our good Mark Hurley nailed it in regards to Obama´s Mandate and the Catholic reaction. We want to live in a free country, you want to have a business that is religion related, but not a church, you’re going to have to risk employing a person of a different faith, who’s philosophies you’ll have to endorse. Tough shit. Enjoy your parent company not paying taxes. Here’s my follow up to the question at hand. You’re a religion related organization, right? So you love babies, right? Know what I’ll bet you hate? Abortion. Know what I’ll bet you hate almost as much? Unwed mothers. Because they’re gonna happen. All of ´em. Unwed mothers who’ve had abortions previously, and presently have more than one child from more than one ‘sperm donor’. You know what’s gonna have to happen after that? You’re gonna have to provide medical coverage for those kids, because there ain’t no babydaddys doin’ it. Better still, guess what follows? Government subsidies that will pour in; and you just really, really aren’t changing that part of the safety net, buddy. That part of the safety net is there because, while your parent company doesn’t have to pay taxes, it’s also lost popularity, doesn’t have quite the same income it used to, and is no longer the go-to place for aid. I present exhibit A to everything you just said wasn’t gonna happen when you finished the last paragraph: For Women Under 30, Most Births Occur Outside Marriage (NYT) And just when you think I’m gonna say … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Victoria´s Victim
Zombie Jesus has claimed another soul, and never is it so hard as when that soul belongs to a young, blond, white woman from America. Kylie Bisutti (pictured, duh) was doing some wonderful missionary work for Victoria’s Secret in malls and catalogues around the world when the worst happened. She found religion. She had always had religion, but it had apparently been lost in the couch cushions for some time. It was like when a cheerleader loses her car keys. She’ll spend a month looking for them, but don’t be fooled by the act: most of the time she can’t remember what it was she was looking for. It was only more than eight years into being super hot for money that Kylie noticed some of her work didn’t square with what the curmudgeonly old impotents that run her specific brand of Christianity told her Jesus wants. So she had to make a choice between religion and happiness. As is so often the case, the tragic choice was made. Bisutti, who began her modeling career at age 14, said she isn’t giving up modeling. She said she is just being more careful about what kinds of jobs she takes. (ABC) Careful? That’s the terminology we’re going with? So, up until this point you’ve just been stumbling into jobs and out of clothes like a drunken, be-helmeted retard? “Oops, I wandered onto the catwalk of a multi-million dollar international fashion show in my underwear and high heels again.” She just has to be less clumsy, is all. Her life since she was 14 has been one long dream-I-just-had, only she was paid rather handsomely. Show a little more vigilance, and you can entirely avoid falling into corsets, getting your makeup done, and posing for photo shoots. Kylie Bisutti got her shot … Finish reading this sumbitch!
First They Came For the Schnauzers…
Scumbag Style takes to religion like a fetus takes to a rusty hanger, simultaneously in a constant, frantic, claustrophobic dodge and hurling wild, vitriolic, impotent missives like Michael J. Fox at a stoning. For the most part, though, we’ve stuck to Christianity, because we’re an American ‘zine, and Christianity is the greatest threat America has faced these few decades. We don’t fuck too much with Islam, not because in the grand scheme of things it is any better – in fact it may be worse than Christianity on a global scale. Like cholera, or Africanized bees, or Kylie Minogue; we’re not denying it sucks like whoa, it just isn’t really our problem. And anyway, the way our conservative leaders have dealt with the Muslim problem since 9/11 has been hyperbolic, racist, ignorant, jingoistic, intolerant – – I’m being redundant to make a point. There is just no reason to squat over an overflowing pool of festering horse shit. But if you’re going to be a clown, I’m not going to just leave it. Sometimes we forget, while we deal with our own Christian fuck heads, Europe’s mostly secular Western population is suffering from a massive Muslim problem. It has been happening for some time, with Muslims hitching up the early model Toyotas and heading west, swelling European populations with their own numbers, and loudly clambering for crazy laws to be passed. It’s like if a bunch of giraffes started squatting in your home and didn’t learn to eat at the table, but demanded all chicken dinners be put in the attic where they can reach it, because there are four of you and six of them. But most of us were made aware of the scope of the fucktardery by reports of the Jihad against a Danish newspaper cartoonist who … Finish reading this sumbitch!