(The Blind Side, written, directed by and starring things you’d normally have to go to the zoo to see. And I mean Bullock, not the black people, so shut up black people.)

If you put a bunch of monkeys in a room with a typewriter, they’ll throw poo at it because even they know nobody uses that shit anymore. But the BBC seems to be hoping for some free Shakespeare – - nay, counting on it – - and gearing those same monkeys up to take over on the next step, so all of Western civilization can attribute artistic merit to something else while not doing any of the work, or even pay anyone for it. As the story goes:

Around 11 of the [Chimps] at Edinburgh Zoo spent the last 18 months filming each other as they carry around a special ‘chimpcam’ device. The results will be aired on The Chimpcam Project, which airs tomorrow night on BBC2.The footage is part of a BBC documentary about the work of behavioural scientist Betsy Herrelko, from the University of Stirling.

Documentary, my ass. Even outside of the disappointment when you learn that “chimpcam” isn’t nearly as deliciously filthy as it sounds, does any of this remind you of the landslide on bullshit mountain “The Real World” caused some millenia ago? A show made by monkeys for the cost of bananas, about monkeys who will work for said bananas and the chance to show just how little evolution has actually gotten around to making the race as a whole fit for survival outside of crowded night clubs and elaborately comfortable condos nature enclosures? Shit, Snooki barely made it out of that club with her whole face on, and the world salivated for more comically real blood (and that from someone who looks more like an ape herself than a fake reality tv celebrity). Hey Betsy, how do you feel about your life’s work being reduced to a project that amounts to nothing more than a “Jersey Shore” that’s cheaper to make?

The chimps were introduced to video technology in a new high tech enclosure and a new chimp-proof camera [with a large viewfinder so they could see what they were filming] was put in with them… ‘We were dealing with an average group of chimps, but they worked with us very well and gave it their best. I’m pretty sure they understood the filming… They never got bored of filming unless the monitor died.’

Didn’t take them long to understand that they were filming, eh? Can’t wait to see what happens when they realize what passes for television these days and they start having affairs to get attention and getting into fights over who gets to play with the tail-less kitten. And god forbid they are ever exposed to porn and realize that their daily habits closely mirror several niche fetishes. They’ll start throwing poo for money instead of for fun, which will totally ruin the once magical experience for us because then it will seem kind of rote and unimaginative. A penchant all primates share is selling out at the earliest opportunity*. Not to mention that it is only a matter of time before they give the little beasts webcams; you used to have to go to the zoo to see a chimp jerk off into its food before eating it, and now it will be on pay sites. In no time we’ll be inviting the chimps on Larry King and local weather reports, and the only differentiation between a chimp and The Situation in our MTV-dulled minds will be the capacity for intelligent verbal communication how long they spent on their blowouts.

The situation isn’t all bleak, however, unless you’re a film student. There are several upcoming projects that might benefit from the eye of a less evolved mammal. Miley Cyrus is now philosophically qualified to write, direct, and star in Girls Just Want To Have Fun, now in pre-production, so the little girls who like Amanda Bynes but hate originality should be happy about that. Or how about Brother’s Keeper starring John Cena, who will probably be able to sign one of his relatives, or the (count ‘em) four new releases set to feature simian ex-stripper Channing Tatum. It is just too damned bad this study wasn’t done before Insane Clown Posse wrapped on Big Money Rustlas, a comedy western featuring the horrifyingly white, foul mouthed rappers in clown makeup (fantastic trailer after the jump).  Monkeys with licenses to film would be excellent for any of those projects, and far far cheaper than, say, a DP with a masters and 12 years experience under his belt. This is the same thing that happened to voice acting after Robin Williams contributed his talents to Alladin and film studios realized they could make more money billing huge celebrities in commercials and animated films, and told practiced, experienced voice actors like Billy West and Frank Welker (whose films, just by the way, “have grossed more money than those of any other actor in history”) to go fuck themselves. I’m only recommending we stick to the plan, here.

In the end, I say we give chimps control over still more aspects of media. They have to be at least as qualified to accept illegal payola as the DJs on our Top 40 and “Alternative” stations, and they definitely couldn’t have made a worse move than the wigs over at Twentieth Television who signed exclusive syndication rights of greatest show ever “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” over to Comedy Central so it can be run into the ground like so much black dude in American History X, and ruined for any future viewings like “Scrubs” and “Futurama” were. The fun doesn’t end with chimps either:

Four hours of footage was filmed and now Mr Capener [producer] said he is looking a further projects like this with different animals.

Oh, shit, if they do horses, nobody tell Liv Tyler.

*Seriously, Green Day, there is only so much your fans will take before they fall into a Dead Kennedys reversion and clinically forget 1988-now ever happened; we are not Jonathan Larson, Billy.
Continue Reading…

Finally, a television program that brings into the American consciousness the Italian youth subculture, and all the hair product and tanning lotion that entails. MTV’s Jersey Shore will feature the “hottest, tannest, craziest guidos,” and the modest young women that can’t help but spread their legs for them. There will be wife beaters valiantly struggling against ‘rhoided out pectorals, there will be immense chains, there will be Jager Bombs. But most importantly, there will be blowouts, and the women that not only tolerate them, but love them. There has been such a shortage of this particular kind of modern American archetype, and the country has remained criminally ignorant of all the nuances of this bright and festive subculture. I mean, where on television can one find blowouts and whores? Literally every Italian is pooping his bright red matching sweatsuit in anticipation of this revelatory television phenominon.

Well, almost. UNICO National, a Jersey based Italian-American panty-twisting organization says that “the reality show, set to premiere Dec. 3, builds on negative stereotypes and bad behavior.” The group has also, in the past, thrown their used tampons at The Sopranos for depicting negative Italian stereotypes. Is nothing good enough for you people? If it is wrong to view Italian Americans as strong entrepeneurs with a powerful and intricate family culture, is it also wrong to depict the younger generation of them as dedicated idealogues who ”keep their hair high, their muscles juiced and their fists pumping all summer long!”? You’re asking too much of your people UNICO. UNICO President Andre DiMino calls the show “trash television,” to which MTV execs responded, “Flattery will get you everywhere.” Then they offered him a reality show.

Thankfully, MTV is fighting back, saying, “The show continues MTV’s history of documenting various subcultures, rights of passage of young people, and the ways they self identify [and every once in a while we mention music, but not so that anyone would notice or have their regularly scheduled monkey shows interrupted].” And they’re absolutely right. MTV’s recent history has celebrated youth culture in all of its forms, including the boozed out, the strict parent, the rotten 16 year-olds, and the crabs traded like bubblegum cards forms. Guidos have made sadly minimal appearances in these scenarios, and it is time they were granted greater representation on the station nobody watches anymore. Fuck, in the interest of equal rights, let’s turn MTV into the BET of guidos.

UNICO would probably rather MTV show the real Italian lifestyle (still including blowouts, I don’t think anybody is disputing there are shitloads of blowouts) in which women eat their meatballs when the be-sweatsuited men are satisfied, crucifixes adorn every wall like they’re part of the support structure, grandparents that don’t speak English and haven’t moved from the same armchair ina  decade yell how they’re out of Sambuca in slurred Italian and “why hasn’t my 14 year old granddaughter given me grandchildren yet,” and the Knights of Columbus is the perfect venue for every celebration, be it funeral, anniversary, or wedding. At least on Jersey Shore several supposedly attractive young people are porking each other without the threat of procreation, if they can manage not to slide off each other with all that grease.