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Tag Archives: history
Didn’t See It Reviews: “Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas Special”
This Thanksgiving was to see the airing of the newest installment of Pliocene-Quarternary glacial period family entertainment, this time a holiday extravaganza titled, “Ice Age: The Quest to Sell Toys Again This Year.” Because nothing warms the yuletide diapers of kids from one to ninety-two like natural global disaster and the constant sub-conscious threat of species-wide extinction that backdrops everything Ray Romano touches. For all I know, that shit aired, but I don’t know, for two reasons. One: because I have recently relocated to a country in which literally all cartoons are translated into Spanish. Two: Because, fuck Ice Age, that’s por que. The core of the first movie seemed to be the unlikely fellowship of Ice Age era creatures, sporting the voices of comedians of varying talent that are living in an era directly preceding the next Ice Age. And like the meeting of these comedians, the characters (a mammoth, a saber-toothed tiger, an ugly rat thing, and something else I think) come together for basically the same reason: nothing better to do until they die. Good message for kids, I’m down. Then somewhere in this blandly amusing pile of family tripe, something went horribly wrong. Before we discuss this, yes, I am aware that it’s a fucking cartoon, and I need to not overthink it. I am also aware that the films make a feeble attempt to cover their asses on the issue. But I invite you to think of the kids when you realize that, no matter what contrived justification the writers of this franchise use, the second movie involved saving an Eskimo baby (or something), and then the third installment had something to do with dinosaurs. All the while, you must be this tall to ride the illumination train. Ice Age, do us a favor and … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Stop Making Good Points!
(Science never had a chance…) There are some in the right wing media suggesting the recent rash of Christian killings is a blatant attack on the United States itself (I saw it on like Megyn Kelly or something, and it looks like Geraldo will be filtering it through his mustache tonight). The idea here is that America is a Christian nation, and that killing Christians in the Middle East is some kind of retaliatory gesture for our sticking our fingers in their crazy cake for the past decade or so. That is so ridiculous, so maddeningly, infuriatingly bass-ackwards that… it has to be true. I just wish there were some way it could have been avoided… “Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law…” Shut up Jefferson, you were a Christian because we say so. It’s the only story that fits our red pen marks on history, and we’ll not have you reaching your rotting, French manicured hand out from beyond the grave to fuck with that. Bitch. Seriously, though, that is a seriously salient argument. Coming from the same channel that skipped third grade science and doesn’t know how the tides work, that display of mental prowess is nothing short of Herculean. Now follow that line of logic through, you guys. You can do it, I believe in you. If killing Christians in the Middle East is an attack on the Christian U.S… and your pet politicians keep insisting that America is indeed a Christian nation… come on, you can do it… even though a founding principal of the nation involves a clear directive to keep separate Church and State… supported by supplemental documents from nearly all of the founding fathers… the way this issue could be completely avoided is – – wait wait, … Finish reading this sumbitch!