That new acronym stands for “Not Safe For Brains,” a moniker that could safely be applied to an ad in Miami Living Magazine that’s causing more of an unjustified uproar than Snooki getting her well-deserved knuckle sammich. Turns out EstablishedMen.com, a dating site seemingly designed to cut out the middle (class) man, slipped what prudes and the humorless are calling a bit of not-safe-for-workery into their ad space in the popular magazine. See if you can spot it…

Um, excuse me, miss, you have a little uh... nevermind.

Oh, for crissakes FOX News! It isn’t enough that you are the leading supplier of termites to the foundation of our rapidly crumbling Fourth Estate, you have to be the asshole neighbor kid that comes over and circles all the instances of Waldo in our books? Trust me, I can bloodhound a dick joke, I don’t need your help.

“”Did they not see this, or have magazines become so desperate for ad space that they’ll ‘overlook’ something like this?” media and publishing expert Penny C. Sansevieri asked FoxNews.com. “But I find that every time something like this happens it elevates the exposure, good or bad – and issues will get snapped up very quickly.” (HuffPost)

I feel like these are the questions you ask after the really glaring ones are addressed. Such as: “What exactly is the marketing angle here?” Is this a dating site for men with unfortunate, God-despises-you type birthmark fetishes? Is God a fifth grader with an infantile sense of humor? Or were these two young ladies taking turns mammorially pleasuring this disembodied member at the exact moment of nuclear holocaust, and the image of a cock was permanently nuclear shadowed on the blond’s chest?

When the aliens discovered the devastation of WWIII, a grave misunderstanding would forever label Chicago "City of Trannies" across the Galaxy.

I’m just saying, how is the image of another dude’s pecker – a pecker belonging, presumably, to an infuriatingly well-endowed professional penis model – going to persuade me to bring my “gold digging slut” dollar to your company? Perhaps the ad illustrates the porn training all of the site’s female members received at some kind of Trophy Whore finishing school on how to look at the camera, no matter what, despite an impending money shot. I could see how that might intrigue me enough for a closer look, it’s a valuable skill. If that’s not the case, what are they looking at, his wallet? I don’t want my menage-a-trois to dissemble into shouts of, “I’m over here ladies!” The least you could do is pretend the most fascinating thing in the world to your girls is my manhood.

So, the issue isn’t how the ad got into Miami Living with a sexually suggestive image, or even why the Uptight Republican Brigade has their secret crotchless panties in a bunch over an ad that shows less than a high school anatomy text, but what the agency thought the site would get out of it in the first place.

“When we created the ad, we never imagined a magazine like Miami Living would approve it, but judging by the amount of sign-ups we received since the magazine has come out, this ’shadow penis’ ad seems to work and might become a staple of our campaign,” the [Established Men] rep said.

Atta boy! When life gives you lemonade… um, Sharpie the hell out of the advertising landscape until it resembles the bathroom at a home for sex addicted middle-school boys? Proverbs and adages were never my gift. He continued: “This ad is definitely a true reflection of what EstablishedMen.com is all about – connecting professional men with beautiful women for mutually beneficial relationships.” Fuck eHarmony and their 27 levels of compatibility! That sciencey shit is for short-sighted suckers with scruples about putting the same pair of white-haired, wrinkly nuts in their mouth for a couple of years for the big pay day on the horizon. Personality breeds congeniality, but fellatio is faster… io. Whatever, I’m not your rhyme monkey.

Oh! … but anal is fiscal? Or facile. You know what I mean.

(Now with 200% more ridiculous hats!)

A good hint you might want to cut back on pandering to the lowest common denominator of American society is when even Toby Keith doesn’t want to be associated with you. The man made his career by firing off all of Sarah Palin’s talking points, neatly packaged in his soothingly sexy all-American ignoramese. The back cover of his albums are practically bullet pointed with cribs from Palin’s own sweaty palm: pickup trucks, the stars n’ stripes, and annoying ass women who should be at home making babies. So when FOX aired promotional ads for the first episode of Palin’s “Real American Stories” that announce Keith and LL Cool J would be guest starring in interviews on the premier episode, it was incredible that Toby was both flabbergasted and angry.

Toby Keith never sat down with Sarah Palin, Keith’s spokesman told HifFix. “We were never contacted by Fox,” Keith’s spokesman said. “I have no idea what interview it’s taken from. They’re promoting this like it’s a brand new interview.”

Which basically means that Palin’s latest round of antics, including using old footage of Keith sans the OK, has bumped her past the midline on Toby’s Good Buds Scale, with 1 being Toby Keith and 10 being Retarded Hitler. Around 6 is where Toby generally says, “Uh, no thanks,” and I’m not sure, but “Don’t retreat, reload” might have been the beej that gave the prostitute mouth cancer. Metaphorically speaking, sure, but very Maher-esque in it’s topical stretchiness.

Ah well, at least we have some new LL Cool J footage to look forward to, right? Man, I had all of his cassettes. Wait what? They’re using footage from a 2008 interview for the segment “guest starring” LL as well (use that rhyme, dawg)? And he’s refusing to let her? Can’t wait to hear what the network rep has to say about that…

“Real American Stories features uplifting tales about overcoming adversity and we believe Mr. Smith’s interview fit that criteria,” a network spokesperson told TVNewser. “However, as it appears that Mr. Smith does not want to be associated with a program that could serve as an inspiration to others, we are cutting his interview from the special and wish him the best with his fledgling acting career.”

(”Um, that’s Mr. Cool J, if you don’t mind; I didn’t spend 30 odd years being black to be a white alias, thanks. These abs don’t run, y’hear?”)

Exactly what pool do you pull your PR reps from, FOX? The Organization for Passive Aggressive Jewish and Catholic Shaming? First of all, “Fledgling”? That’s a burn and a half for a guy that started acting in ‘86. I didn’t know Public Relations college offered Barely Veiled Insults 101 as a required course. I know Deep Blue Sea was no Ten Commandments, but he currently stars in the spinoff to the most popular show on television… which doesn’t say much except that the country is clinically “old as dirt” or bored out of its skull waiting for the next Paul Rubens (now that’s a man who can make a scandal). But it does make him the new David Caruso, and is “fledgling” really the word you want to apply to a man who can choreograph his sunglasses? FOX news is racist against gingers.

But my favorite part is when you called him out for not wanting to be an inspiration. That’s like Jimmy Fallon calling out Larry David for not appearing on his show because “he doesn’t want to be a part of something funny.” You don’t become Grand Wizard without being some kind of inspiration, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to lend him my Bic for the negro burning.  FOX went to the armory for the big rhetoric gun on this one, but that’s really because they couldn’t even book LL Cool J, who didn’t even have to be there for it, and they were just taking their frustrations out on him. Because it wasn’t so big a loss they absolutely had to waste a smear torpedo on a lovable nostalic figure, right? I mean, what exactly is LL Cool J going to inspire people to do? Star in a canceled sitcom and become the ironic poster that college stoners put up in their dorm rooms? I just saw LL’s street cred in the battered women’s shelter, and you’re going to black the other eye by erroneously associating him with Sarah “Poor Black Babies Don’t Need Yearly Checkups” Palin? That’s cold, FOX News. Straight cold.

Whatever, show’s at 10pm on FOX News tonight. Get the kind of popcorn that goes straight to your hips, with the extra butter and bacon bits, because this is a special occasion. I’m not saying this to promote the show, I’m just warning you I won’t be stopping for stragglers that didn’t actually watch in my post tomorrow. There’s only 24 hours in a day, and I don’t want to miss any of the R-wordedness. Also, keep your browser open to http://twitter.com/scumbagstyle cuz if you think Scumbag Style will not be live tweeting this, you might as well be on the other side of my TV screen.

(”PS: Here’s my email password so you can answer me. MooseBLAMsucka. It’s case sensitive.” It’s not.)

Sometimes collateral damage can be avoidable, like that time last fall when Superman plowed through a V of migrating mallards instead of going around them, so eager was he to get his Lamest Superhero Ever award, and tons of would-be zombies had to go without fake blood on right around HAlloween time because PETA used up the world’s supply hating on him. Poor, poor uncreative costumers! But down in Tennessee lives the ultimate manifestation of collateral damage that didn’t need to be. From the Huffpost:

Ex-Gov. Sarah Palin is scheduled to travel to Knoxville, Tennessee, next month to testify in a case regarding the 2008 hijacking of her Yahoo! email account. Mike Kernell, is charged with “stealing Palin’s identity, improperly accessing her personal e-mail account, allowing at least one other person to access it and trying to wipe from his laptop evidence of his alleged crimes.” According to the case files, Kernell is not charged with hacking into Palin’s account — he instead used publicly available information to find out the security question, which he then answered, allowing him to change the account’s password.

This guy needs to put his inventor’s hat on and bring The Dumb Bitch Countersuit. Will somebody please make this a legal precedent so we can all get on with our finger lickin’, celebrity sex tape watchin’, unapologetic escapist lives? At what point does the criminal and civil justice system yell, “Stop wasting our time, you platitudinous cunt-rocket. You lose this case because you’re borderline super-retard. In fact, I award the defendant all of your money because they will not blow it all on electronic ab jiggling belts and holistic medicines.”

You are the world’s biggest dipshit, Palin. You go out of your way to violently plunge yourself into the double headed dildo of a world of celebrity politician (ask Tiger Woods what fresh hell his life would have been if he’d had Patterson’s job), and then put sensitive shit on a Yahoo! account? That’s like dropping trough and bending over by the TKTS booth in Times Square after winning an Emmy, and wondering why your loose lumpy pucker is in the top searches on Google five minutes later. There are email services designed for corporations, celebrities, and politicians with internet security P Diddy would cream himself over, and you went for a free account on a flailing disaster of a website that hosts the cream of the internet’s fuckwaddery on a forum called Yahoo! Answers? Seriously, go check that out. It’s astoundingly mind-numbing.

Example of actual questions on Yahoo! Answers. But no, give this guy the chair for cracking the code.

Alright, you made a mistake, and one that’s only semi-retarded: returning to the previous, super-eloquent example, you have to get your face and brown starfish in the same pic for there to be any proof that it’s you. But then you went on to make your security prompt public knowledge? That’s like bending over in Times Square and writing in Sharpie on one cheek, “Sperm deposits: $2″ with an arrow pointing to your back door. And on the other cheek, writing the disclaimer, “Sorry for the increase. They got this recession on.” And then bringing criminal charges against anyone who took the offer. Seriously, somebody turn her on her side before she swallows her tongue.

The thing is, you bend over every goddamned time you open your mouth, spouting complete ignorance about the issues you champion. Like this story from last week, when everyone seemed to let the whole hand-notes thing go, but you felt the need to throw another excuse out there, in case someone wasn’t satisfied with letting you get away with another verbal diarrhea gaff without having to answer for it:

“I didn’t really had a good answer, as so often — is me,” Palin quipped at an Ohio Right to Life fundraiser Friday.

Sorry, author of that news post, but that wasn’t a quip. A quip is a quick, witty statement that employs the use of context, joke, or at least a pun, to make a point. That was, instead, classic Palin: an idiot, meaningless quote with the coordination of a penguin with its pants on backwards (thanks Dani). The fact that she moved on to say that God wrote notes on his hand in Isaiah, so she was in good company just goes to show just how deep her dumbfuckery runs, and just who is backing it up.

Kernell’s attorney, Wade Davies, argues that his client’s actions warrant nothing more than a misdemeanor charge, and that the current severity of the charges is a clear result of Sarah Palin’s celebrity status.

Misdemeanor nothing! The judge should award Kernell a regular spot on FOX News and the governorship of Alaska for having such ridiculous charges levied against him. At least this guy, the son of a Tennessee state Rep. and an actual participant in the higher education system, would probably do a better job of it than she did. Dropping one elected office to run for the highest possible is like quitting your job at the fry-alator at Burger King to apply for the President’s job, and yet she’ll still get votes come 2012 because she has all the right polarizing words written on her hand. THAT’s the definition of unnecessary collateral damage: Some poor bastard gets steam rolled so the person Alan Grayson called a “Wild Alaskan Dingbat” can have a political career that will move America’s political system from Global Laughing Stock to Mentally Challenged Prison Bitch. From the reasonable sector of American society, Kernell, we are the epitome of sympathy, Broseph. Maybe take one for the team and strap some dynamite to your person on the day Palin testifies to save the rest of the innocents from the GOP’s well-used sock puppet.

(Spontaneous vampirism: in my top 5 “Best Possible Outcomes” of this unbelievably ludicrous scenario.)

If the President’s proposed televised bi-partisan discussion on health care reform is considered by the Republican party to be a trap, then he should maybe watch his back on this one. Cue ominous Dracula thunderclap:

Michelle Obama is making her debut appearance on Fox News this coming Saturday, on Mike Huckabee’s show ‘Huckabee.’

Don’t do it! The Republicans are currently holding the entire government hostage with a filibuster a petulant two year old could have planned, and you think it’s a good idea to send your fucking wife into their very lair? Man, I pegged you as at best sensible, but at least black enough to know that a hostage shorty can turn the tide of any gang war, but now I have no clue. You think their scruples at this point discount a possible good old fashioned lynching? Sarah Palin’s Spin Mengeles are already writing a speech about how misunderstood white supremacists are, or some excuse as to why it is only alright for Rush Limbaugh to “make an example of uppity black folk.” The best we can hope from this is they ace her on cable TV, and that is what gets you to put on the fucking warpaint and Braveheart out with your… parts… out. This isn’t an exact science, OK?

Look, the Republicans have already shown what shitty roommates they can be: voting unanimously against your proposals like the stimulus bill, and then happily taking credit when they pay off. Then they demand you do things for them, you acquiesce, and they call those same things pieces of dog shit. That’s like a 12 year old proposing to his mother he get himself a coke habit, and her agreeing, so he drops the idea because it isn’t naughty anymore. You’re at the point where a good leader would tell them to sit down with a perspiring glass of shutthefuckup juice, and instead you’re sending your wife to talk to them about… what?

The former Republican presidential candidate wooed the first lady onto Fox to talk about her childhood obesity campaign, “let’s move.”

I will put money on that being the reason for Mike “The Straitjacket” Huckabee wanting the first lady on his creatively titled FOX News program. I’ll give it forty seconds on that topic, and that only because Huckabee himself lost a whole shit-ton of weight and will probably be unable to turn down a chance to talk about how awesome he is. Then, rest assured, there will be a  lynching, though whether it will be a literal or metaphorical lynching is, as far as I can tell, up in the air. As is whether or not there will be a pregaming rape. Is this two-bird scenario where you show what a bipartisan team player you can be, as well as a good wifey, taking on all the fluff assignments, is it worth risking an appearance on FOX News? And why are all of these campaigns directed at childhood obesity? Fat adults are just as hard to look at as fat kids. Let’s go after young adult obesity, because there is nothing more infuriating than a fat college chick thinking she can get laid whenever she wants simply because she has a vagoo, except maybe the fact that she is right.

The Fox News press release indicates that the two will also discuss other topics, including what life is like at the White House.

So, Michelle, what is it really like waking up next to the antichrist in the very temple of Reagan? Do you at all feel shame that you changed the upholstery in the Lincoln Bedroom to jungle cat stripes? Is the White House refrigerator big enough to hold all of your – - let me see if I read this right – - ffffawties? Better watch how many times you refer to yourself in the first person, baby, because FOX News has (I shit you not, reader) a guy for that. From their own press release:

Much attention has been given to President Obama’s persistent use of “I” when giving speeches to sell his administration’s agenda. Is he taking responsibility — or, as his critics say, is he still in campaign mode? FoxNews.com is tracking the president’s speeches all this month and will report back after each to see whether The “I’s” Have It.

No, the “Royal fucking We’s” have it, and your ass is banished Columbus style. What, should he fake a Bob Dole seizure and forget how to use first person singular pronouns? What in the shit gave you the impression you can walk into FOX News as a progressive, black First Lady, wife of Barack Obama, and have a fair, level-headed discussion about your worthy initiative? Because they promised? “My, what big balls you have, grandma.” I say you send her in there with Bill Murray and a couple of proton packs and tell them not to worry about crossing the streams if things get ugly. If that mick fugmo O’Reilly is in the building, that’s a given. And as far as Charles In Charge is concerned, Michelle will be bringing the ugly with her, so go to towns.

(You are all going to be really disappointed when you win, and there’s nobody left to tea bag but each other.)

I have watched the so-called Tea Party grassroots movement in almost total silence for a bunch of reasons, like how incendiary it can be, or how it reminds us all of a three year-old temper tantrum. It has been so remarkable in its ability to be simultaneously volatile and fundamentally silly that I have contented myself in watching from the sidelines chuckling, but not mocking it in this forum. Nobody seems to care that, in the parlance of our modern times, tea parties are what little girls have with teddy bears and plastic flatware, so why should I rock the boat? But when something like this happens, you share. The Tea Party movement has chosen it’s next target: Captain America. It seems the FOX News darlings have forced an apology out of Marvel’s CEO for depicting a group similar to theirs as enemies of a comic book character that is distinctly pro-American. An enemy of Captain America is an enemy of America, and all that. Let’s let the news lay it out for you:

Issue 602 of the comic features Captain America investigating a right-wing anti-government militia group called “the Watchdogs”…  The protestors depicted are all white and carry signs adorned with slogans almost identical to those seen today in Tea Party rallies like “tea bag libs before they tea bag you” and “stop the socialists”… [The Falcon, Cap's black sidekick] then tells Captain America that he doesn’t think their plan will work because “I don’t exactly see a black man from Harlem fitting in with a bunch of angry white folks.”

This is so delicious it must come from a vagina. The vigilance of the Tea Party group as far as protecting America is so up it’s own ass, they had nothing to say about the fact that a picture book meant for children said “tea bag.” Tea Party participants then care about Americans, but not so much as to protect Marvel’s pubescent readership from Googling and then practicing a juvenile homo-erotic sexual act. As a member of your party, Representative Nancy “First Against the Wall” Elliott so recently pointed out, once children as young as 5th graders learn how to do something gay, they absolutely will. They will “wiggle their penis around in excrement” with the gusto of the comically neutered Cookie Vegetable Monster locked in the Keebler Tree during a forest fire. But no, an alleged caricature of you, a group of adults, should take precedence because you’re such a fragile minority now. As if you didn’t have Mommy FOX to put a Band-Aid on that thin skin and kiss it all better.

This depiction of a group of protesters must really remind you of yourselves, Tea Baggers, else why make a fuss? If this really is an accurate representation of you, then you have bigger problems than a fictional man in tights with gay little wings on his mask taking issue with you. I must assume you don’t find the idea of preemptively (because you have a real fear of them doing it to you first) sticking your tiny, hairy balls in liberals’ mouths distasteful, or you might have started your focus there. Politics is just one big game of nutsack tag to you isn’t it? Your idea of fun, Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips, is secretly or forcefully putting your balls in the mouths of other grown men. Just need to get this clear, because man, that sleepover you guys invited me to might get a little intense for me. When we were kids, we’d just fart on our friends while they slept, and we thought that was pretty badass. You sure showed  us.

This is all not to mention that you didn’t seem to notice the black character Falcon calling you a bunch of whiteys that would definitely notice if even one black man joined their ranks. Once again, if this is an accurate representation of your little mutual nut-fondling summits, you’d much rather one comic book super hero not hate you than the entire population of minorities in America. If you weren’t so behind the times that puritans would call you Nazis and throw squash at you, you’d be demanding an apology  for being portrayed as racists OR you wouldn’t be so paranoid and vain as to assume the comic had anything to do with you. Because you’re not racists. Nor do you engage in Testicle Tetris. Nor are you penciled by Luke Ross and colored by Array. You must be at least 2 of those things, otherwise why would you get your training bras in a twist?

[Marvel editor-in-chief Joe] Quesada then went on to say that Marvel would “apologize for and own up to” a series of “stupid mistakes” that led to them “accidentally identifying” one of the members of the protest group “as being a part of the Tea Party instead of a generic protest group.” He explained that they were on deadline to get the issue to the printer for publication…

Blah blah blah, and there’s and excuse and everything. I get that it’s never good to offend people when you have a business, even those people who never read comic books (it had to be brought to the group’s attention via some young republican dork) and will never be your core audience. But you don’t apologize dude! You only justify their menstrual whining when you admit you were wrong. You say you didn’t mean it, so if they don’t buy it, that’s their swollen, uncomfortable tampon, not yours. I have never heard of a time, other than our own, when someone didn’t get kicked in the vagina for demanding an apology, and we do it so much that when we finally get what we ask for, we might as well have been demanding a fertilized egg from a used condom: watery, bitter, and useless from being caught in the lambskin of free speech that was put there it wouldn’t happen. From now on, every time some righteous-ass twat-monkey that couldn’t demand a cookie from a Girl Scout for twenty bucks “calls for” an apology, I want everyone within earshot to do this: Hold up one finger, the middle one for example, to represent the 1st Amendment, then pelt the sonofabitch with Midol until the little cramp goes away. You’ll feel better almost instantly.

(Eh, we should probably just let this one go. He’s going to be real disappointed when he gets out.)

So you say you want something even more stupidly polarizing than the newly announced Ipad release? You’re tired of hearing OS idealists, whose minds will never change, fight like girls, with one side saying, “OMG new Apple product, I hope I don’t piss myself in girlish glee,” and the other saying, “So I can insert my Ipod and my Iphone, how about my Inutsack?” while lewdly grabbing their crotches?* Do you just want to scream, “Then don’t fucking buy it!”? Or, “That sounds like an electronic panty-liner with headphones!”? Well here’s something you can’t avoid, because by law you are required to watch the Super Bowl, and the big game makes everything, even Dominos and beer that tastes like piss, as important as a yearly visit to the gynecologist.

The short of it is, Focus on the Family somehow gathered the 3 mil or so it takes to advertise on CBS during the Super Bowl, and used the opportunity to get Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and his mom to talk for the duration of the ad about Focus’ pro-life message. Seems Tebow’s mother chose to give her son life in the face of some pretty tough odds, and as a result we have an guy who is over paid to play a game, so abortion is bad.  On the surface, it is a tad annoying that proselytizing is something you’d want to impose during the Super Bowl, but perfectly within the realm of allow-ability. Hey, they came up with the bones, and that seems to be enough for CBS, and therefore should be enough for the hundred bajillion people of all faiths and political ideologies that are going to be drinking heavily and getting really angry and competitive about things they see on television while watching the Super Bowl. Timothy McVeigh says, “Good idea.”

But if it were that easy, everybody could just relax, and we need to keep up our global lead on heart attacks and “having a cow.” The problem, according to the people who want the ad pulled, stems from a lack of precedent — indeed, a standing policy against — among those airing Super Bowls to allow commercial time to any political entity or advocacy group with nothing tangible to sell except their ability to whip their dicks out. They also like to throw around hyperbole and rhetoric like it’s food fight day at Tiger Woods’ sex rehab (I think I just grossed myself out). NARAL Pro-Choice America says:

Focus on the Family has an unmistakable anti-choice, anti-birth-control, anti-sex-education, anti-gay agenda. If that isn’t bad enough, its views on women are just plain insulting and dangerous. For example, its web site urges women facing an unintended pregnancy to seek “wise advice” because “the hormones and extreme emotions of pregnancy make reasonable decisions more difficult.”

Tell us how you really feel, NARAL. You’ve got the demonizing of the other side down pat, right down to the anti-buzzwords. After all “danger” is the number one cause of fear. But to truly be considered Hitler-esque, you should be more specific, like “Fetuses are taking over the banks.” And you might have to kill some bitches, though Christians already have you pegged for that. Oh, and that last bit, while probably a direct quote, was not given proper citation, so context goes the way of last night’s 3 pound burrito. No, you continue to be the spokespeople for that side of the debate. When someone on your side says, “Who died and made you advocate?” just say “Ted Kennedy.”

Read more ridiculousness after the jump.

Continue Reading…

(Palin smiles and salutes her vast collection of followers, confident their support will land her the White House in 2012. Steve the Obstetrician yells, “Take it off!” but is drowned out by more popular catch phrases, leading him to murder/suicide his entire family because death is preferable to life in a world where “Dig, baby, dig” is more popular than a naked woman.)

FOX News has woken up from winter hibernation hungry, and its eyes couldn’t be any bigger than its stomach if it was drawn as the ultimate Aryan in an anime. And with each fundamentally damaged personality it absorbs, the beast is getting bigger. Your bowels can almost feel The Washington Post cringe at reporting:

Sarah Palin, who regularly rips the media, is becoming a television pundit at a place where she’s likely to feel at home. A Fox News executive says the network will shortly announce that the former vice-presidential nominee is signing on as a contributor.

It is appropriate that Palin wants to make a positive difference after very publicly observing what she feels to be major shortcomings in the media. As much as I hate to say it, on the surface the move lends a shred of credibility to her blubbering rants, because instead of just pouting she seems to be doing something about it, which is how America was supposed to work before Rupert Murdoch assassinated the founding fathers. But signing up to pundit for Fox is the reactionary equivalent of sandblasting a soup cracker. They already employ Bush White House Cockknockery Czar Karl Rove and Mike Huckabee, who briefly ran for president in 2008 for the Rubber Chicken Party under a “voices in my head” platform. That’s all not to mention the non-politician pundits hired to lick their substantial dingleberries, and who therefore have less professional pride than a stoner washing dishes at a mexican retaraunt. Overkill doesn’t begin to describe loading celebrity politicians onto a station that people only tune into when they have no intention of changing their minds. You could pay a forgotten reality star with huge tits next to nothing to read your rhetorical copy all day and have the same viewer base. Obviously Murdoch didn’t read the page in the owner’s manual that says putting too many fruitcakes in the same tank has the same effect as male Betta fish.

 Palin has traditionally offered her padded room sermons on Facebook and in her bestseller My Deal With Satan: How Sleep Talking Becomes Fact When Filtered Through Redneck, getting her message out to people who would already wear women’s underwear if she said the liberal elite wore boxers. So it will be interesting to see how long she lasts when the occasional accountability measures Fox imposes on its pundits forces her to back up what she says. Until then it will be fun to watch the highest rated cable news network turn into a circular toilet, with Bill O’Reilly squirting big connecting ropes of Palin’s buzz words, and her using his attentions to tout intangibles like Joe the Plumber and Jesus as absolute fact, thereby giving O’Reilly’s red Irish ass justification to yell at people, as his race is wont to do. 

No, more than fun: hysterical. Fox News has officially assembled the punditry equivalent of The Three Stooges. You’ve got Karl Rove, your Moe, a calculating, untrustworthy instigator with noticeably bad hair. Your Larry, arguably the best character in the show, in Mike Huckabee, a man so confused by the voices in his head that he comes across as the perfect liason-type middle man between the insanity of Moe and the dumbfuckery of Curly; Curly being Sarah Palin, whose every utterance is so obviously wrong as to be hillarious, but still has the power to screw themselves and everyone around them so properly that the episode can end in 15 minutes. Nyuk nyuk. 

She will also host an occasional program that will examine inspirational tales involving ordinary Americans.

You just can’t make this shit up. As my colleague pointed out, it is basically “Dirty Jobs” for conservatives. Only instead of going to the workplace of the poor bastard who has to unclog sewer mains and acting appropriately disgusted, she’ll be setting these people up as capable of running a country. What the hell is an ordinary American? Will having a signed copy of Palin’s book be a qualifier, or just being able to yell “Dig, baby, dig!” because catch phrases involving rock and roll tropes are more important than comprehension of the subjects they apply to? Can people pay her to say they are normal like Nickelback pays radio stations to say they make real actual music? Luckily, we won’t have to hurt ourselves wondering what “ordinary” means in a country of different cultures, immigrant ideals, sexual lifestyles, a dwindling middle class, and Jersey Shore. We now have Sarah Palin to tell us, and as she’s proven over her past three years in the public eye, that’s more comfortable than thinking for ourselves.

I was reluctant to even include this category because, compared to men, women have outclassed, outtalked, outwitted, and outright owned 2009. Michelle Obama, Alicia Keys, probably some white women, I guess. I was reluctant, but I’m going to, because I am a slave to tradition, and I sure as hell am not going to be outdone by this new upstart academy Oscar or whatever. Here they are, the Scummiest Women of 2009. You pick the one you’d take behind the trailer and fuck the awful out of.

Laura Ingraham is the latest mess FOX News has seen fit to shove in our faces, and proof that being a witless, loudmouthed, cock bag doesn’t require having a penis. She interviews like an over-miked Pol Pot on speed, asking rhetorical questions and then answering them for her guests, who probably think being a guest at Gitmo would be less torturous. For instance, this video, in which the Canadian journalist interviewee was probably dead wrong, but you want to immediately take her side just so Laura Ingraham can’t claim to be on yours.  Or here, in which Jon Stewart rocks her for comparing healthcare reform to the fucking Holocawst using that tired poem that just got super interesting again. Once again, her side may be right, the whole issue is rather confusing, but her speech on the subject made up my mind for the opposition. She’s apparently married, at least until the poor bastard harpoons himself on the company yacht in some kind of Hari Kiri failure at life ritual.

Lil Mama is an attention whore that couldn’t take the pressure of talentless obscurity any longer while sitting in the audience at the VMAs. In a “fuck it” move that hasn’t been seen on Earth since god went ahead and invented the platypus, she jumped up on the stage and wedged her fat ass into the signature performance of the evening: an otherwise inspired performance by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. Keep your place, bitch, Jay-Z will get to you when he’s run out of better looking thick women.

Kate Gosselin is to motherhood what strippers are to dancing. They don’t really know how, they don’t particularly enjoy it, but it pays for the plastic surgery and gets a bunch of slack jawed dopes to give two shits about an otherwise uninteresting Human being. She’s demonstrated her poor parenting enough times for her bevvy of bleating brats to be distributed among Vietnam sweatshops, if only to be raised with a little dignity and get some goddamned water when they ask. With any luck, this will be the last mention of her on this site, because networks will no longer be able to justify child abuse for ratings consisting of bored, gossipy housewives.

Votes below mofos.