Stick It:
Twatted
- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: No Apologies, Spacey. You Messed Up Good. http://t.co/X9xNZ9ew 3 days ago
- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: Go To Towns: Indiana Edition http://t.co/odpZX341 1 week ago
- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: Foreplay Involves Food In the Marsden Household http://t.co/tyxp88YF 1 week ago
- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: It´s Christmas, I´m Busy... http://t.co/oEzCzKkL 2 weeks ago
- #itmakesmesmile when a brilliant 16 yr old girls make an entire community of adult Christians look like retards http://t.co/ScIzcHZw 2 weeks ago
Tag Archives: family
Sexy Ed
By Ms Lori Hey there. My name is Lori, and I am here to take you to school. Yes, darling, I know you don’t want to go to school. There is just such a glut of elitist intellectual smarty-pants propaganda floating around this country, that we could all use a little less school and a little more common Bible sense. And not only that, book-learnin’ is so hard. So I thought that, as your teacher, maybe I could pop a few blouse buttons, put my finger in my mouth, and make you hard for education. Recent History 101 (If you know the story, you may skip this section, but I will be talking about my vagina, and it will be on the test. My vag, I mean. I dip it in red ink and leave a nice little lip hug for all my A students.)* I’d like to introduce you to Jessica Ahlquist. A lot of you may know her from the death threats you sent her and her family. Some of you may even remember promising to rape her, mostly from the safe, cowardly anonymity of the internet. Some of you have done it in person, in public, and for that I applaud you. For those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is female, like I totally am, and she is a sixteen year old high school student from Rhode Island. And she is an atheist, so her opinion doesn’t count. Still, Jessica is the newest champion of constitutional civil rights in the US, and many regard her as a hero. Just the excitement of her young age and her superior reasoning skills make my nips all hard. Go ahead, feel your screen. Can you feel that? I’m working on two semi-symmetrical avocado pits here. Nine months ago: … Finish reading this sumbitch!
It´s Christmas, I´m Busy…
… so here´s a couple of my favorite Christmas thangs, that I had nothing to do with creating, to keep my favorite Scumbags entertained. For real, you guys. I think Christians are making a bigger deal out of this “Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays” ridiculousness than we are, but be that as it may: Say Merry Christmas to your Christian friends, Happy Hanukkah to your Jewish friends (and for nobody´s sake, show some respect and throw a little phegm in there), Feliz Navidad to your Mexican friends, and if you don´t know, just don´t do it. Happy Holidays will indeed do, because there are a couple hundred holidays going on, and yours isn´t better or first or more special than anyone else´s (except for Kwanza, that shit ain´t real). Insisting on saying Merry Christmas, even though the rest of us express concerns about being left out, makes you a cocksucker. This is a time for all of us to kick ass, be happy, and spread a little fucking love and joy. At the same time, atheists, stop shitting yourselves over a manger or a tree on public property. You look like an asshole. Christmas is the least evil part of an incredibly evil institution. Give them this one week, let them pretend they invented Christmas and didn´t just hijack it, and tear their cult down brick by brick in 2012!
Didn’t See It Reviews: “Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas Special”
This Thanksgiving was to see the airing of the newest installment of Pliocene-Quarternary glacial period family entertainment, this time a holiday extravaganza titled, “Ice Age: The Quest to Sell Toys Again This Year.” Because nothing warms the yuletide diapers of kids from one to ninety-two like natural global disaster and the constant sub-conscious threat of species-wide extinction that backdrops everything Ray Romano touches. For all I know, that shit aired, but I don’t know, for two reasons. One: because I have recently relocated to a country in which literally all cartoons are translated into Spanish. Two: Because, fuck Ice Age, that’s por que. The core of the first movie seemed to be the unlikely fellowship of Ice Age era creatures, sporting the voices of comedians of varying talent that are living in an era directly preceding the next Ice Age. And like the meeting of these comedians, the characters (a mammoth, a saber-toothed tiger, an ugly rat thing, and something else I think) come together for basically the same reason: nothing better to do until they die. Good message for kids, I’m down. Then somewhere in this blandly amusing pile of family tripe, something went horribly wrong. Before we discuss this, yes, I am aware that it’s a fucking cartoon, and I need to not overthink it. I am also aware that the films make a feeble attempt to cover their asses on the issue. But I invite you to think of the kids when you realize that, no matter what contrived justification the writers of this franchise use, the second movie involved saving an Eskimo baby (or something), and then the third installment had something to do with dinosaurs. All the while, you must be this tall to ride the illumination train. Ice Age, do us a favor and … Finish reading this sumbitch!