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Mark 13:6*

(In his game this week against the Patriots, Tebow threw for 136 yrds, hence the Biblical title. It was enough to get him a mere trouncing and just shy of getting the holy shit kicked out of him. Christians will contend that numbers only apply to Bible verses when they say so.) You guys, you guys. Either Jesus told Tebow to go screw himself this week or the inimitable New England Patriots are too awesome for God to handle. Perhaps both.  What we do know is that Tim Tebow was soundly Old Yellered by history’s greatest QB. But that’s not the wacky part! Take a look at Tom Brady’s stats for this week’s Divisional Playoff game against The Broncos, Tim Tebow, and the pantheon of saints (not those Saints, dummy), angels, archangels, and lesser minions of God. If you take his Completion % and multiply it by his AVG, then subtract  his total yards, then add his QB rating for the game, then add his TDs and (just to be fair) subtract one for his interception… Guess. Just guess. Or do the math, but that would be stupid because I’m going to tell you. 596.* * That is the very page Dumbledore died on in The Half-Blood Prince! (If that was a spoiler for you, well then maybe it shouldn’t take you 7 years to read a childrens’ book) Do you know what this means??? I mean, really? Neither do I. It could mean Snape did some awesome dark magic and made Brady have his best game of the season in a must win against those smug internet Xtian bitches of the previous week; it could mean the richest woman in Great Britain had some money on the game and had inside men; or it could mean fucking nothing because, … Finish reading this sumbitch!

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This Man Is A Teacher

My dearest Tom Hoopes: I first encountered your work when a Catholic friend of mine pointed me toward an article in which you speak briefly about Christopher Hitchens, a great hero of mine who recently passed away. It was condescending as all get out, but it was chock full of underhanded compliments, and seemed to be relatively thoughtful. It is, of course, gratifying to see a great American champion of humanist ideals remembered fondly by members of the non-secular class, so I decided I might read some more of your work. The first article I read was entitled “Six Myths About Atheism,” and I have to say, the title excited me, because I assumed you were a man of thought, and perhaps you’d be spending your time dispelling some of the myths that are propagated amongst the religious about non-believers. The article turned out to be the epitome of those very lies: a carelessly thought out bigoted bit of blatant propaganda, a brainwashing tool to keep the hate for atheists alive among the religious. My first thought was of completely ignoring it. After all, ignorance abounds in your community, trying to change one mind in the sea of under-used brains you call a church leaves one feeling impotent and frustrated. As my beautiful wife put it, quoting someone else: “Never argue with an idiot. They´ll drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience.” On the other hand, several of my friends and readers across Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, etc. expressed concern that I said that all of your points were entirely wrong, your research was ass-on-fire, and your intentions were entirely malicious, so I decided that I might address your points and show you why you’re an untalented, proselytizing asshole.  After all, even you said in your article … Finish reading this sumbitch!

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Seriously, You Guys

My minions, you are incredible, the very axiom of scumbaggery. Scumbag Style has been doing wonderfully, with something like a 700% jump in traffic (considering the average) just today. So, fuck ya. But the rest of you miscreants… damn. Those that aren´t regular followers or readers come to the site by mistake, through search engine searches. I record those search terms that bring you lowlifes to me. Here are some of those searches that brought some of you here this week: girls pussy seal 2 bbc the turn of the shrew 1 free porno of sister brother niece and uncle cock suckin festival 1 meno racism 1 tony clement twitter town hall tbs 1 kathy griffin santa bikini 1 “endless cunnilingus” 1 temptation to violent sex movies free sexy 1 butch styleconundrum 1 college fuck fest ebony girl 1 girls for fucking in delhi 1 Two?? Two people went huntin´ for “girls pussy seal” and both ended up here? You must have been damned disappointed. Really, we have nothing to worry about. The only item in that grocery list of Rob Zombie´s most thrilling nightmares is “kathy griffin santa bikini.” Those terms can only led you to water, they can´t make this an incestuous “cock suckin festival.” Though I do approve of keeping that stuff to oral. You get retard babies, you go any farther. We never apologize, but we can make this prediciton: we are going to have to up the Scummy if we are going to cater to the wonderfully decadent filth that bangs about these internets we all share. You guys are worthless pieces of shit, and we want you to know you will always have a home here. … and for fuck´s sake, like us on facebook, or you´re going to tinkerbell us the hell out … Finish reading this sumbitch!

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No Porn???

 A Classic, updated… Nothing is better than a wife that hasn’t grown so crusty, jaded, and complacent in her marriage that she can’t take a few minutes out of her busy schege to do something for her husband. A surprise dinner, a homemade card, a drink and slipper greeting, an asshole bleaching; dudes dig that shit, and it’s nice to remind him he hasn’t bought permanently into the life of ball mangling, future sapping, constant drunkitude Leah Ramini makes marriage out to be. Unfortunately (for the women at least), the more uncreative amongst the fairer sex are often left with constant sore-jaw for lack of any better ideas as to how to show their appreciation. If only there was a way to do that without actually doing anything. Enter Facebook, with a Group that firmly yanks our sacks out of the matrimonial Icy Hot with 31 ideas that allow a wife to indulge her narcissism and natural predilection toward condescension while pretending to do something sweet for her husband. Ladies, they’re all awesome, and they beat the bag out of giving that semi-annual “Relations With the Lights On” coupon he might actually grow the gumption to redeem one of these days. It’s called “31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband,” and it is even more preachy and self-serving (in a good way) than the title suggests. Contained in this set of solipsistic psalms is all the problem externalization and imagined solution outsourcing any pious Christian wife could possibly ask to put off the inevitable messy divorce for one whole month. Here’s one of my favorites: Day 1 – Lord, I pray that my husband will grow spiritually and consider his accountability before You. I pray that he will guard his heart by developing spiritual disciplines – Bible reading and study, … Finish reading this sumbitch!

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A Disturbing Trend

By Dan Rice I have something to say. I know that this football season has been tough, and at times heartbreaking, for all of us. I’m writing this note in response to a more and more frequently occurring trend.  I’m sure you’ve seen it. Your team runs an 8 man blitz against a team that won’t let the quarterback throw the ball.  Your team throws a winning record away by losing 2 or 3 straight expected wins.  Your team blows a 4th quarter 17 point lead to a hated rival. So what have some of you been saying in response?   I. Give. Up.  I give up on my coach, on my offensive linemen, on my quarterback, on my defensive secondary.  I give up on my team.  I’m looking for a new one.  I have friends that like the Steelers, the Packers, the Patriots, the Bengals.  I’ll just root for them. Heresy. Look, I want to be clear.  I don’t like your team.  I probably hate them.  I want to see your quarterback cry.  But do you know why?  Because I love my team.  Get it? Loving your team isn’t about having a winning record.  It’s not about how many superbowl rings you have.  It’s about losing your mind over every first down.  Standing up on 4th and goal.  Screaming over every blown call and missed opportunity.  It’s about having your heart broken over and over and then coming back for more.  Because if you don’t, you’re a tourist.  You know what makes you a fan?  Loyalty. And the whole reason you’re upset in the first place is because you really, truly, deeply give a shit.  You hate that they didn’t win, didn’t make that play.  You’re pissed because you care. This is my team’s history.  And it’s not even the … Finish reading this sumbitch!

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