(I’m mommy’s toy! Don’t worry guys, i’m sure she can find a way to make you all feel useful again! Uh, except you, Sarge. You are made of plastic stabs.)

The number one box-office smash in the world right now is the family favorite Toy Story 3.* The final (until Pixar and/or Randy Newman feel irrelevant again) installment of the beloved cash cow concerns young Andy’s passage into the Lucius Apuleius [Ancient Roman porn, not as fun as it sounds - ed.] playbook that is college, and is reportedly as touching as Tim Allen is legally allowed to get with assembled minors. But did you know it is also the feel-good pro-life affirmation of the year? Jesus’s blog says, “FUCK TO THE YES!”

For the sake of context, here’s the film’s plot as I’ve gathered while intermittently listening to Kathy Lee’s little brat Nepotism Cody spray it: See, the toy cowboy and the toy astronaut have an existential crisis when they realize Andy’s keg stands will be seriously impeded by holding a couple of dolls, and while a third mind-numbing adventure of self-discovery and purportedly clever size jokes (look they’re in a car, but they’re too small!) would be pretty rad, banging the mousy freshman down the hall is sounding pretty friggin’ good, too. Will the toys be wanted, cared for, loved any more? Will it ever be like the old times, watching Andy punish his pubescent sausage under his Buzz Lightyear comforter in the middle of the night because he plays with dolls instead of talking to girls? So, the whole nutty cast hatches an evil plot to follow Andy to college, ruin his social life, and get him into D&D, thereby ensuring his only friends are talking piggy banks, hen-pecked re-mutilatable potatoes, and snarky dog slinkies… No?

The question the film must answer is whether each toy is valuable for its own sake, as an end and not merely a means to something else. And the answer is that every toy, regardless of usefulness or “newness” or brokenness, is special. That’s the message Toy Story 3 ultimately affirms. (LifeSiteNews)

LifeSite! I missed you guys! What’s the matter, a life of deranged programming of the masses tiring? That’s cool, I’m just glad you’re putting the bike helmet and backwards galoshes back on in time to turn the touching message of eternal friendship, and the importance of realizing one’s worth after a lifetime of fulfilling service, on its head for us.

We’re debating the same question in America today — only about human beings, not fictional toys. And it plays out in the controversies over abortion, euthanasia and embryo-destructive** research.

Thar she blows, like a Catholic school girl with no encouragement! Also, Predator was about the homosexual agenda, Good Night and Good Luck clearly illustrated the anti-Catholic bias of the media, and the Woodsman… well, that was just plain hawt. Well, at least the first part. Doesn’t really carry through that well. Like the first half of Enough when the Rocketeer is beating the hell out of Jenifer Lopez, but then it all takes a turn for the worse, and if you don’t turn it off on time, you totally lose your erection.

The point is, if you put on a blindfold in the middle of a Nickelback concert and start blindly stabbing around with a Samurai sword, you’re bound to hit a queer. Sans incredibly crass metaphor (but why?): You can impose any message you want on a cartoon if you grasp at enough straws. For example: were I to make the mistake of having kids, I would tell my son as we left the theater, “Boy,” because I wouldn’t bother to memorize his name in addition to his gender.

I’d say, “Boy, Toy Story 3 is about making Pixar a fuck-ton of money on the nostalgia people have from before that sentimental piece of shit Up came out, and about the truth of evolution, and a justification for wholesale abortion. See, you might think you’re more important than the plants and animals of this world. That’s what AM radio calls ‘human exceptionalism’ when they’re talking about Jesus, ‘American exceptionalism’ when they’re talking about smelly foreigners. But if a carved block of wood and a cheaply cobbled collection of fragile plastic and inferior paint have a sense of consciousness and a better vocabulary than their human counterpart, doesn’t that put things in perspective? If a person’s toy can worry about its specialness and purpose, not to mention its future, don’t you think you’re more like semi-articulate dogshit in the grand scheme of the cosmos? And in that case, is it our place to impose our narrow view of where dogshit comes from – or when it becomes dogshit, or when the dogshit has sun dried to the point it should be discarded as finally entirely useless – on anyone else? When you’re 18, I’ma take you out and buy you your first coat hanger, boy. Always best to be prepared.”

If you don’t think that’s correct, LifeSite, it is probably because our theories were randomly fished and pulled out of different asses.

I’m not mad though, because you are owed so very many props for the singular racist article of the summer. Way to set the bar higher for the rest of us scumbags!

*Data not even remotely authenticated or even presumed true by the author. Just so you know where we stand, reader: Fuck you.
** Catholic propaganda websites: keeping Merriam Webster in business even when you thought there were no more fake-ass terms to formulate.

(And they all lived happily ever after in their comfortable little Christian allegory. That is, until a door to Narnia opened in a barn in Zimbabwe…)

For those of you who don’t dig on evolution, it’s cool, we’ve only been shown science putting the gifts under the tree at the pace of science, so you probably have a few years of petulant non-belief left. In the meantime, this story will go a ways in convincing you. Seems a lamb was c-section still-born in a village in Turkey with — get this — a Human face. Rock. And. Roll. Veterinarians are saying that the whole thing is a misunderstanding, the result of an “improper mutation” due to an abundance of vitamin A in the mother. Sure, that’s reasonable, probably “scientifically accurate” but my theory on what we have here is some – -

The governor of the province where the ugly goat was born [in a similar case in Zimbabwe] said that the little goat was the fruit of unnatural relationship between the female goat and a man… “This is evident (sic) that an adult human being was responsible. Evil powers caused this person to lose self control. We often hear cases of human beings who commit bestiality but this is the first time for such an act to produce a product with human features…”

Wow. That guy beat me to it. I… guess I don’t have a joke for this one. I can’t tell if it raises or lowers the comedy level when the governor of the province the abomination is born in immediately assumes that his people are banging livestock left and right, and the inevitable finally happened. Put in non-hoodoo language, this means evolution kicked in on all the barnyard rapin’ in that part of the world, said, “Fuck it, you’re going to

What's up, nuckas?

insist on dumping your spunk in these things so much, they might as well adapt to use it,” and the first Human/animal affront to nature was born.

It also means that some of the more sticky ethical questions we’ve been avoiding for the last century will inevitably have to be visited. For instance, if we’re going to continue fucking sheep after this new revelation, we should probably start using protection. And if we do, is it unethical to use a lambskin condom? For all you know, that’s your little boy you’re wrapping your pecker up with there. That’s all not to mention the feelings of the female who is apparently capable of bearing your child, and might not take kindly to a plowing with a Buchenwald phallus. Have you rubbed her hooves lately? She’s had a hard day.

The mutant baby born with a human-like head stayed alive for several hours until the frightened village residents killed him… and biologists had no chance to study the rare mutation.

No! I was going to name him Mr. Tumnus! You mean the thing could have lived, for biologists to study, or better yet, touring the world with a bearded lady and the world’s smallest man? At least let the thing live and see what it does! Try to toilet train it, or serve it curried goat. Or better yet, mate it to a Zebra and see what pops out. Who is letting these short-sighted, murderous villagers in, anyway? You know how easy it is to spook those guys. They have the Ghostbusters on speed dial in case one of those demon-possessed horseless carriages passes by on Safari. When something like this happens, shouldn’t your first call be to Dial-a-Bouncer? “Yes, you can come see the freak of nature. Cameras are allowed [joke, they don't have cameras], but you’ll have to leave your pitchforks and torches outside.” Next time Darwin decides to play a little joke from beyond the grave, he should do it in a civilized place like America, where we’ll preserve it as a visitation by Jesus, or at least Rocky Dennis.

This video is… NSFW? I guess it depends if the rotund chick with the personality disorder in the next cubicle over mistakes the subject of the video for her hermaphroditic cousin and decides to narc. There’s always one. Am I right?

The first walrus to be displayed in captivity, like in a public aquarium situation, was in London in 1608, according to this weird ass encyclopedia of zoos I found. The editor of that thing must be on some serious uppers to be comfortable with the culmination of his life’s work, the purpose of which seems to be to give me some contextual historical information with which to frame an article about  a walrus that can blow himself.

Still, this means it has taken about 400 years of having idiot children poke, punch, and lick the reinforced glass of their tanks to finally say, “You know what? Fuck it. You want to watch me so badly, check out what I can do,” immediately making the dude holding the camera fume with jealousy. You can hear it in his voice, as he trembles like Michael J Fox playing Operation trying to sound calm. “I bet you like that,” the cameraman says to his female companion, which makes no god damned sense until you consider that he’s probably projecting.

What’s truly remarkable about this is the restraint of the species as a whole. How long do you think Human males would last at a zoo with a super power like that without bending over and gumming a root for the benefit of the ice-cream wielding offspring of their slavers? A couple of hours? It took these guys 400 years of suppressing the ability that is most men’s answer to the hypothetical “which super power would you choose?” question before they got comfortable enough to lay themselves some lip in front of paying customers. I’m sure the information is not new, that walruses have performed their shame in front of care-takers and scientists they really trust several times over. I’m sure these people have known of the animal’s ability, and that knowledge is buried in some scholarly paper they would never show to people like me out of fear the subject would be treated with less respect than it deserves (what, me?). But this is the first time I’ve seen a layman capture an autophilatic mammal (yeah, I made it up, call Webster’s, I’m Shakespeare, bitch) go all slobbery knob on itself on film, making the walrus’ blessing from Satan a matter of public record.

As mentioned before, as a matter of evolution, Humans are losing speed to lowlier creatures daily. Dolphins are teaching each other stunts, ants collectively get smarter the larger their swarm is. And now walruses are performing feats some men try once or twice a year like they have Anterograde Amnesia of the dick, just to make sure they haven’t developed the ability since last they tried. Really, who’s fooling who? The captive walrus who is fed daily and has people thrill to his goop gobbling, or the people paying to keep them and see them?

(”Those were the good ole days,” Grandpa said as he puffed his synthabacco and stroked our bald heads, “when we dressed our benevolent Dolphin Overlords in little costumes, and hamburgers could be got without doing a trick first.” Crazy old coot.)

Dr. Stephen Hawking is like that kid in 3rd grade that reads ahead all the time, to the point where even the teacher is annoyed at his community college reading level. You know the kid who exhibits an understanding of contextual evidence without even knowing what it is, while the rest of the class is still sounding out “bread” and the poor bitch assigned to babysit them really needs a friggin’ cigarette? That’s Dr. Hawking. In a lecture entitled Life In the Universe, he had this to say:

“I think it is legitimate to take a broader view, and include externally transmitted information, as well as DNA, in the evolution of the human race… the external record, in books, and other long lasting forms of storage has grown enormously. Some people would use the term, evolution, only for the internally transmitted genetic material, and would object to it being applied to information handed down externally. But I think that is too narrow a view. We are more than just our genes.”

Let us come to terms with the first kind of evolution, dude! Do you realize there are still people who teach their kids that Adam and Eve didn’t have belly buttons, and that the cohabitation and symbiotic relationship shown in The Flintstones between man and dinosaur was pretty accurate? That high schools and colleges still have their students put on Inherit the Wind as a social commentary on our modern times? And now you’re saying we’ve switched modes of evolution? Most of us are still amused that we can write our names in the snow, and write “boobies” upside down on a calculator (for those playing at home, and didn’t have a real childhood, that’s 5318008).

The concept isn’t new, as he touched upon it in A Brief History of Time. Basically the purpose of Life in the Universe is for Hawking to reassert that he likes to use broad, sweeping meta-titles so he can go off on tangents and leave us non cyborgs behind. But Lifeis also another example of his entirely unfounded faith in Humanity. “At first,” he says. ”evolution proceeded by natural selection, from random mutations. This Darwinian phase, lasted about three and a half billion years, and produced us, beings who developed language, to exchange information.” The lecture goes on to postulate that the development of language and information exchange was not just a stop-over on our path to happy glowing balls of contant orgasmic pleasure, but the next step. His assumption, therefore, is that we read and write a lot of books (and other such media like television and internet), to the point where Darwinian evolution is too slow for us, and external, mind-expanding forces have become more important than genetic evolution. Yes, indeed. Soon we won’t have to read to learn that vampires are sparkly in the daylight, that Tom Hanks can make ridiculous assumptions about secret societies and bloodline of Christ based on information that he could never conceivably have had before, or that Alicia Silverstone and Randy Jackson should be the ones telling us how to diet.

Hawking says the timetable of evolution has been reduced from millenia to like 50 years, and the revelation couldn’t have come soon enough. Scientists are saying that the animals we so recently canned as tuna, and who now do adorable tricks at our aquariums, are catching up to us at an alarming evolutionary rate.

Dolphins have been declared the world’s second most intelligent creatures after humans, with scientists suggesting they are so bright that they should be treated as “non-human persons”.

Does that mean we should stop making them dance for treats? Or that they shouldn’t be treated like aquatic Lassies on our family television programs? I don’t know about you, but I probably wouldn’t want people profiting off of letting overweight American tourists get dragged around in the water by something that grows out of my back. On the other hand, bottle-nosed sushi is totally off the menu, and we let them have sex with our less scrupulous women in dolphin porn, which totally exists based on Anselm’s Law of Porn. So, with a few adjustments, we treat dolphins by these scientists’ standards, as people. Just like college students: we don’t cannibalize them and we let them have sex with us. Any more consideration and they’ll evolve right past us and enslave the Human race.

In one recent case, a dolphin rescued from the wild was taught to tail-walk while recuperating for three weeks in a dolphinarium in Australia. After she was released, scientists were astonished to see the trick spreading among wild dolphins who had learnt it from the former captive.

Christ on a cracker! I have friends who are struggling to potty train their children, and these fuckers are teaching each other stuntman tricks without the benefit of a more than rudimentary spoken language! I don’t know about you, but I’m going to brush up on doing Human tricks like “smoking and pissing at the same time” and “beat poetry” for treats, because if Hawking is wrong (or even if he is right and we base our new evolution on The DaVinci Code and Spider-Man comics), and we’re to be conquered by aquatic mammals who breathe through their heads, I’m sure as hell going to be a house slave.

(For an analysis of the Hawking lecture minus the references to boobies and Twilight, might I recommend Worlds As Myth?)