(”PS: Here’s my email password so you can answer me. MooseBLAMsucka. It’s case sensitive.” It’s not.)

Sometimes collateral damage can be avoidable, like that time last fall when Superman plowed through a V of migrating mallards instead of going around them, so eager was he to get his Lamest Superhero Ever award, and tons of would-be zombies had to go without fake blood on right around HAlloween time because PETA used up the world’s supply hating on him. Poor, poor uncreative costumers! But down in Tennessee lives the ultimate manifestation of collateral damage that didn’t need to be. From the Huffpost:

Ex-Gov. Sarah Palin is scheduled to travel to Knoxville, Tennessee, next month to testify in a case regarding the 2008 hijacking of her Yahoo! email account. Mike Kernell, is charged with “stealing Palin’s identity, improperly accessing her personal e-mail account, allowing at least one other person to access it and trying to wipe from his laptop evidence of his alleged crimes.” According to the case files, Kernell is not charged with hacking into Palin’s account — he instead used publicly available information to find out the security question, which he then answered, allowing him to change the account’s password.

This guy needs to put his inventor’s hat on and bring The Dumb Bitch Countersuit. Will somebody please make this a legal precedent so we can all get on with our finger lickin’, celebrity sex tape watchin’, unapologetic escapist lives? At what point does the criminal and civil justice system yell, “Stop wasting our time, you platitudinous cunt-rocket. You lose this case because you’re borderline super-retard. In fact, I award the defendant all of your money because they will not blow it all on electronic ab jiggling belts and holistic medicines.”

You are the world’s biggest dipshit, Palin. You go out of your way to violently plunge yourself into the double headed dildo of a world of celebrity politician (ask Tiger Woods what fresh hell his life would have been if he’d had Patterson’s job), and then put sensitive shit on a Yahoo! account? That’s like dropping trough and bending over by the TKTS booth in Times Square after winning an Emmy, and wondering why your loose lumpy pucker is in the top searches on Google five minutes later. There are email services designed for corporations, celebrities, and politicians with internet security P Diddy would cream himself over, and you went for a free account on a flailing disaster of a website that hosts the cream of the internet’s fuckwaddery on a forum called Yahoo! Answers? Seriously, go check that out. It’s astoundingly mind-numbing.

Example of actual questions on Yahoo! Answers. But no, give this guy the chair for cracking the code.

Alright, you made a mistake, and one that’s only semi-retarded: returning to the previous, super-eloquent example, you have to get your face and brown starfish in the same pic for there to be any proof that it’s you. But then you went on to make your security prompt public knowledge? That’s like bending over in Times Square and writing in Sharpie on one cheek, “Sperm deposits: $2″ with an arrow pointing to your back door. And on the other cheek, writing the disclaimer, “Sorry for the increase. They got this recession on.” And then bringing criminal charges against anyone who took the offer. Seriously, somebody turn her on her side before she swallows her tongue.

The thing is, you bend over every goddamned time you open your mouth, spouting complete ignorance about the issues you champion. Like this story from last week, when everyone seemed to let the whole hand-notes thing go, but you felt the need to throw another excuse out there, in case someone wasn’t satisfied with letting you get away with another verbal diarrhea gaff without having to answer for it:

“I didn’t really had a good answer, as so often — is me,” Palin quipped at an Ohio Right to Life fundraiser Friday.

Sorry, author of that news post, but that wasn’t a quip. A quip is a quick, witty statement that employs the use of context, joke, or at least a pun, to make a point. That was, instead, classic Palin: an idiot, meaningless quote with the coordination of a penguin with its pants on backwards (thanks Dani). The fact that she moved on to say that God wrote notes on his hand in Isaiah, so she was in good company just goes to show just how deep her dumbfuckery runs, and just who is backing it up.

Kernell’s attorney, Wade Davies, argues that his client’s actions warrant nothing more than a misdemeanor charge, and that the current severity of the charges is a clear result of Sarah Palin’s celebrity status.

Misdemeanor nothing! The judge should award Kernell a regular spot on FOX News and the governorship of Alaska for having such ridiculous charges levied against him. At least this guy, the son of a Tennessee state Rep. and an actual participant in the higher education system, would probably do a better job of it than she did. Dropping one elected office to run for the highest possible is like quitting your job at the fry-alator at Burger King to apply for the President’s job, and yet she’ll still get votes come 2012 because she has all the right polarizing words written on her hand. THAT’s the definition of unnecessary collateral damage: Some poor bastard gets steam rolled so the person Alan Grayson called a “Wild Alaskan Dingbat” can have a political career that will move America’s political system from Global Laughing Stock to Mentally Challenged Prison Bitch. From the reasonable sector of American society, Kernell, we are the epitome of sympathy, Broseph. Maybe take one for the team and strap some dynamite to your person on the day Palin testifies to save the rest of the innocents from the GOP’s well-used sock puppet.

(Also, Chicago blues sucks, and their pizza is awful. Detroit is full of ignorant grease monkeys, Boston is a bastion for drunken micks, and San Francisco is a big queer pig pile.)

Alright, cut the shit, Obama. Personages of my ilk (sexy, but relatively unimportant) have stood by waiting for you to get your reelection so you can do the things you promised us, like gay rights, retracting the retarded illegalization of pot, forced sodomy on Bush’s puppeteer staff. But another disparaging remark about Vegas? It is one thing for doucheyer world leaders to demonize Cuba, Russia, England, Romulus, and whatever for the sake of propaganda, but Vegas is a struggling city in your own country, and it isn’t like we’re Communists.* You can take your time with the good you said you’d do, it is a black stereotype to be lazy and you have to play to the blindly adoring constituents, but don’t start doing harm a mere three years before we have to vote for you instead of Sarah “Hostess Brand Fruitcake” Palin again.

“When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don’t go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college. You prioritize. You make tough choices. It’s time your government did the same.”

Oh, you cunt rocket. This is the second fucking time in less than a year, and the fact that it was an offhand remark instead of intentionally damaging one doesn’t matter this time, considering your history. You know what the illiterate smallfolk hear when you say things like that? “My president’s go-to evil, when he really wants to reference a real issue he has with the populace, is Las Vegas. Off the top of the leader of the free world’s head, Vegas is the closest existent allegory to Satan, and I would rather suck off a Klingon** than bring my legitimate business there.”

True, the literally ignorant verbal diarrhea you spouted last year concerning Vegas was exponentially worse and cost a hard won (in the election) state and the companies that call it home — no exaggeration — millions of dollars. Demonizing corporate conventions in a specific city from the podium, calling it a taxpayer drain when, honestly, Vegas is arguably the most cost effective place to hold any event, means people will intentionally avoid the city, if only because the President of the United fucking States said to (I am also wearing an American Flag as an anal tampon. Suck it). “Profligate” is still a word, and you’re not helping to distance yourself from inflammatory and decularizing  Republican tactics like you say you want to with these kinds of statements. Companies that would normally have come to Vegas for their essential mass meetings for the right price, with no intention of using taxpayer money to gamble and see some titties, went to more expensive cities like Miami and New York instead. If the attendees philandered and partied on their own dime, behind their wives’ backs, off the clock, it would only have benefited Nevada’s economy. So, not only did last year’s scorched-earth dumbfuckery show a lack of class and leadership, it was downright uninformed, like Perez Hilton showing up at a glass art All You Can Blow fair with bells on his cock ring.

“I hope you know that during my town hall today, I wasn’t saying anything negative about Las Vegas,” Obama wrote. “I was making the simple point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country’s great destinations. I have always enjoyed my visits, look forward to visiting in a few weeks and hope folks will visit in record numbers this year.”

Too little, like the amount of midget reality shows (there will never be enough “midgets doing real people things” shows), way too fucking late. After this second statement, there is no doubt that the city that pulled its overly religious (surprised? Try living here), redneck head out of its ass to help elect you is compartmentalized in your subconscious with slavery and WW3. And by the way, what are you coming here “in a few weeks” for? Is waking up next to your monster first-old-lady getting to you (death threats on Chachi!), and you need hookers? Gonna hit up Fremont Street for the last remaining nickel slots and cheap pizza? Can’t resist the urge to see the club where Jessie Spano got naked?

Obama is expected in the city later this month to raise money for Nevada Democrats… “There’s nothing like a quick trip to Vegas in the middle of the week.”

Indeed! When you’ve got Air Force One and a staff to do all your work for you, and there’s no chance of your being violated before boarding a $600 plane flight, there’s nothing better than a lazy Wednesday in Sin City. I have no idea why the liberal parties are called elitists, it must have something to do with a decent education. And “Raising money for Nevada Democrats” is so asininely vague, my head is wrapping around it at the pace of growing ivy. How about raising the money that your wild statements have already cost Vegas, a city that 90% depends on the hospitality industry you so callously tore up like so much Randy Quaid personal check? I understand you were referring to allocation of bailout money, but that just makes you the most well-intentioned Tazmanian Devil we’ve had in office in a couple decades. Look before you leap, dude, else you’ll fuck up the whole suicide.

*I can say “we” because I’ve lived in Vegas for a year and half, which is more than enough to learn the ins, outs, and the holes that go both ways. Giggidy.
**My girlfriend and I have decided, after billions of Star Trek viewing hours, that Klingons have barbed penises like cats do, so the victim lucky recipient can’t get away without injuring their vag. I declare us correct, and Michael Dorn the man.