Tag Archives: drunk

  You know what I’ve realized? In the mind of Splinter as concerns the Ninja Turtles, not two fucks was ever given. Cracked already points out that in the original comics, Splinter only created and trained the turtles for the sole purpose of revenge acing a guy who pissed him off a long time ago. I’m not even talking about that. I’m talking about the feel good family “comedy” cartoon of our childhoods, the one that was supposed to be about ugly geek love and family friendly decapitation of machines with decidedly sharp swords. In trying to retrofit Eastman and Laird’s dark-assed story of ultraviolence into Saturday Morning camp, someone George Lucased and forgot to shoehorn in the part that shows Splinter actually gives a shit about his young padawans. Think about it. Splinter never even bothered to learn the Turtles’ names. He named them after artists whose names he already knew (which is the equivalent of naming them after the Gospels), then dressed them up like infant quadruplets in order to avoid a mildly humorous Jesse Katsopolis moment… … only this time the kids are stronger than you and trained in deadly weapons, so pissing them off is a no-go. “You. You wear blue, all the friggin’ time. Even while you sleep.” It’s like a scene from Reservoir Dogs, only a sheltered teenage mutant doesn’t know to fight back when you assign him purple for the rest of his natural life. And remember, the late Eighties was a couple of decades before Sam Jackson made an attempt at making purple bad. This is all not to mention the underlying tones of racism, considering Donatello was the black one, and black people stereotypes always look good in purple. And don’t  call me your son if you have to label me with the … Finish reading this sumbitch!