Stick It:
Twatted
- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: Compromise Is A Four Letter Word http://t.co/V5KNn11L 6 hours ago
- Me Meme. Memememe. ME! OH MY GOD LOOK AT ME! http://t.co/Gfb4znY7 2 days ago
- Family dynamics in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles http://t.co/LI9LglV8 2 days ago
- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: Illuminti Freshness, Santic Bitches http://t.co/HerydZKD 4 days ago
- RT @XoXo_Carrie: #FF @nikkacostia @Alabama_Shakes @BabyBash @mechrt @SwiftStump @scumbagstyle @barelysarcasm 5 days ago
Tag Archives: cunt
… To Get To The Nail Salon
Shove it in your facehole like it was a wealthy black man’s cock in an adult book store in Cleveland, you faggot! Stop thinking about it ending up on your hips, your skirt will still fit. There’s goddamned rabbit food all over it. Stop thinking at all, and eat it like it’s Strawberry Shortcake’s pussy a la mode. Or if that doesn’t do it for you, you mincing little coward, think of it as Mayor McCheese’s quarter-pounder on a bun. I’ll bet you break down in sobs at the sight of a spicy nugget. You nauseating, douche-nozzle sucking lady boy. It’s your goddamned lunch! It’s yours, and I saw that chubby little whore at the other register eyeballing it. You gonna let that chubby little whore eat the lunch that, by all rights, belongs to you? I remember a time when a real man would swallow a live chicken whole. Now you mother-bred sissies, in your pink Lacoste shirts and your cruelty free face creams, can’t even swallow a pattied-out piece of synthetic fowl with a generous slathering of mayo lube and your boyfriends to chew it up for you. When your wife finds out you’re too craven to consume an animal that’s been killed, phosphorylated, and breaded for you, she’s going to leave you for the paunchy asthmatic model train enthusiast that lives next door…
All Up In Your Foxhole
Western Christians refuse to admit it, but the idiot aphorism spouted relentlessly by bumper-sticker retards concerning atheists in foxholes has been thoroughly debunked, and they know it. So they have to come up with something else you can’t do as an atheist – – besides, of course, keep a straight face in church. A friend told me his cousin did it once, but it smacks of the whole “pink sock” story that everyone has a friend who knows somebody to whom it has happened. Anyway, the meaningless drivel void needed filling, and the new article “No Nurse Is an Atheist” is just the caulk to do it. Author Christina Feist-Heilmeier, RN, a thirty-plus year veteran of nursing (if you’re so smart, how come you never became a doctor, huh?), posits that it is impossible to be an atheist and a nurse at the same time. Kind of like chewing gum and doing your mom from behind. Christina Hyphenation says she has known hundreds of nurses, and not one of them has been an atheist. Perhaps it is because they’re scared shitless she’d have them killed to maintain her wildly unrealistic philosophy. Perhaps it is because she lives in Utah or Arkansas. Perhaps she’s one of those assholes that hands out fliers and tries to ‘save’ all those who don’t believe as she does, and nobody bothers discussing it with her. Speaking of which, who do you suggest a nurse pray to when she can’t find a vein, or accidentally put turkey gravy in the IV drip? (as if he didn’t smell the pew polish all over this…) Nurses from any faith do better for themselves and for their patients by actively practicing their faith. The Muslim nurse strives to be a better Muslim. The Hindu nurse strives to be a … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Gah! Put It Away (Part 2)
Part one is making its meager existence here. Soundtrack today. Thanks to Bonetti over at Unemployed Geniuses. Celebrity sex tapes can be a great time, especially when they are leaked, and the subjects don’t see it coming. We’re entertained for different reasons. We were so stoked to know that Paris Hilton was as shitty a lay as we knew in our hearts she would be. We tittered sympathetically at Tommy Lee’s massive belly rope and how it fit in the vagina we’d wanted to see for some time. We gasped in mock puritan disgust at what Martin Lawrence did to that tranny hooker – – what? You don’t have that one? Oh, snap, come over tomorrow night. We’ll have Cold Duck and pizza bagels. Ok, now I want you to mentally picture the celebrities you would not want to see in a leaked sex tape. The list is shorter than you think, once you put your mind to the task. Celebrity does strange things to tolerance levels, and morbid curiosity covers everybody else from Tori Spelling up to, say, Jon Lovitz. Now I want you to bump that list down by one. That’s right, Precious just made your maybe list, because life just hacked up what you didn’t want to know was your actual #1. A [recently filmed] sex tape featuring former professional wrestler Hulk Hogan has surfaced, according to TMZ. [Huffpost] Now you can’t stop thinking about it either. Share in my pain! I have never heard of anything more unnecessary in my entire life. The homoerotic spectacle of 1990s WWF footage has been more than plenty for anyone who found him attractive when he wasn’t ninety years old. Any chick who was in her early twenties at the time had a 70% chance of firsthand knowledge, if they … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Hardcore Hypotheticals
When I cast my vote for Barack Obama, I admit to a certain amount of bandwagoning, and not a little political masturbation. I imagined our fresh, young, muscly president mounting the podium in Congress on his first day and proceeding to rip assholes left and right, like a blind Incredible Hulk at an orgy. Against gay marriage? “You’re a curmudgeonly old bigot,” Barry would lay it out, street like, and fix the bullshit laws. Slave to lobbyists? “You’re a friggin’ traitor, and your votes won’t count until you shed the corporate weight.” Just firing off the shocker left and right with his other two arms. Are you drafting laws in the face of scientific fact like global warming and evolution? “Hey, from now on, asshole, we listen to experts, and not greedy dumbfucks with something to gain.” Spewing hyperbolic, partisan doomsday language on either side of the isle? “I order you to smoke two joints a day until you learn to calm the fuck down.” The big climax would come when he said, “Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it deserves any credence.” Just splooging rationalism all over the front rows of the gallery like the sexiest Gallagher show ever. Money shot. Sometimes, if I had trouble getting to philosophical nirvana, I’d have him throw in something about how European Socialism is pretty neat, and that, no, in fact, he’s not a Muslim, he’s an atheist. “Can’t do nothin’ about it now, sucka. I already got the keys!” Since then, even though pundits love to call Obama a radical secular leftist with no concern for process, he’s been everything but what we elected him to be. If you seriously think Obama is radical, you should see the alternate universe where he actually did what we hired him to … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Victoria´s Victim
Zombie Jesus has claimed another soul, and never is it so hard as when that soul belongs to a young, blond, white woman from America. Kylie Bisutti (pictured, duh) was doing some wonderful missionary work for Victoria’s Secret in malls and catalogues around the world when the worst happened. She found religion. She had always had religion, but it had apparently been lost in the couch cushions for some time. It was like when a cheerleader loses her car keys. She’ll spend a month looking for them, but don’t be fooled by the act: most of the time she can’t remember what it was she was looking for. It was only more than eight years into being super hot for money that Kylie noticed some of her work didn’t square with what the curmudgeonly old impotents that run her specific brand of Christianity told her Jesus wants. So she had to make a choice between religion and happiness. As is so often the case, the tragic choice was made. Bisutti, who began her modeling career at age 14, said she isn’t giving up modeling. She said she is just being more careful about what kinds of jobs she takes. (ABC) Careful? That’s the terminology we’re going with? So, up until this point you’ve just been stumbling into jobs and out of clothes like a drunken, be-helmeted retard? “Oops, I wandered onto the catwalk of a multi-million dollar international fashion show in my underwear and high heels again.” She just has to be less clumsy, is all. Her life since she was 14 has been one long dream-I-just-had, only she was paid rather handsomely. Show a little more vigilance, and you can entirely avoid falling into corsets, getting your makeup done, and posing for photo shoots. Kylie Bisutti got her shot … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Sexy Ed
By Ms Lori Hey there. My name is Lori, and I am here to take you to school. Yes, darling, I know you don’t want to go to school. There is just such a glut of elitist intellectual smarty-pants propaganda floating around this country, that we could all use a little less school and a little more common Bible sense. And not only that, book-learnin’ is so hard. So I thought that, as your teacher, maybe I could pop a few blouse buttons, put my finger in my mouth, and make you hard for education. Recent History 101 (If you know the story, you may skip this section, but I will be talking about my vagina, and it will be on the test. My vag, I mean. I dip it in red ink and leave a nice little lip hug for all my A students.)* I’d like to introduce you to Jessica Ahlquist. A lot of you may know her from the death threats you sent her and her family. Some of you may even remember promising to rape her, mostly from the safe, cowardly anonymity of the internet. Some of you have done it in person, in public, and for that I applaud you. For those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is female, like I totally am, and she is a sixteen year old high school student from Rhode Island. And she is an atheist, so her opinion doesn’t count. Still, Jessica is the newest champion of constitutional civil rights in the US, and many regard her as a hero. Just the excitement of her young age and her superior reasoning skills make my nips all hard. Go ahead, feel your screen. Can you feel that? I’m working on two semi-symmetrical avocado pits here. Nine months ago: … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Go To Towns: Indiana Edition
(If one can “Go to town” when doing something with gusto, should not the superlative increase be “going to towns”? These are articles about some of those people who merely went to town in their ridiculousness, but did not fully commit by going to towns.) “For the first time in years I felt sexually alive.” The headline reads: Indiana Grandmother Is Having A New Baby. With Her Grandson. It´s from yet another retarded “mom blog.” She is 72, he is 26. They didn´t know each other for most of his life (there was some kind of adoption scenario, who cares?), but when they met, it wasn´t even a matter of time before they were slapping pink wrinkly against gray wrinkly in the game of horizontal shuffleboard. “I called Phil into my bedroom, sat him on the bed, and then I leant over and kissed him.” They are in love, they make fulfilling, passionate, incredibly careful whoop, and they are going to be parents. “I never in a million years thought at 72 I’d be ‘pregnant’ and in love with my grandson.” The entire scenario is so deliciously groady, so horrifically and philosophically rank that it rolls around the mouth like well aged santorum (c´mon, catch up). In case we weren´t clear, Scumbag Style completely endorses this – – wait what? The pair paid $54,000 (£35,000) to find a surrogate mother and buy a donor egg to inseminate with Phil’s sperm. Let us get this straight, Phil. You went far enough to engage in a multi-generational incestuous…. nyehhh carnal relationship with your grandmother. You decided, against the very dictates of nature, to make a frigging baby with this woman who may not live to see the birth, let alone Junior Prom. You are able to describe, in graphic, hilariously nauseating detail, your … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Puddin´ Parenting
By Sean ”The Younger, The Better” Torrie Oh Bill Cosby. You have made a whole new type of child abuse possible. Thank you for that. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but I don’t think Enrico Fermi had a cold war in mind when he built that nuclear reactor. Now, I’ll be the first guy to say that I’m not a fan of Michelle Bachmann… No. No, that’s a lie. I’ll be one of many to say it. I’ll also say I think she might be crazy. Not fun-crazy either: “Did you invite her?” “No of course I didn´t, but she found out about the party so I had to say she could come.” crazy. So when I saw this video, in which a representative of the local Gay/Straight alliance gave Bachmann some hell, I said “Hell yea LGBT girls with silly dress code!” In two minutes they present a really solid problem with Bachmann’s philosophy, one that I hadn’t come up with myself. And I’m brilliant. It’s just straight up impressive seeing them get up the balls (take that how ever you want, just don’t get all emo on me) to put that woman on the spot in the middle of people clearly into what she’s got to say. So when I hear there’s a video of an even younger kid putting her in her place I say to myself, “There’s no way this is going to make me think poorly of the opposite opinion.” First: it took me like 10 viewings to get the volume up to a level I could both hear and wasn’t at risk of blowing my speakers. Second: that little boy is so damned uncomfortable saying what he’s been told to say that it took me 10 viewings to get the volume … Finish reading this sumbitch!
No Porn???
A Classic, updated… Nothing is better than a wife that hasn’t grown so crusty, jaded, and complacent in her marriage that she can’t take a few minutes out of her busy schege to do something for her husband. A surprise dinner, a homemade card, a drink and slipper greeting, an asshole bleaching; dudes dig that shit, and it’s nice to remind him he hasn’t bought permanently into the life of ball mangling, future sapping, constant drunkitude Leah Ramini makes marriage out to be. Unfortunately (for the women at least), the more uncreative amongst the fairer sex are often left with constant sore-jaw for lack of any better ideas as to how to show their appreciation. If only there was a way to do that without actually doing anything. Enter Facebook, with a Group that firmly yanks our sacks out of the matrimonial Icy Hot with 31 ideas that allow a wife to indulge her narcissism and natural predilection toward condescension while pretending to do something sweet for her husband. Ladies, they’re all awesome, and they beat the bag out of giving that semi-annual “Relations With the Lights On” coupon he might actually grow the gumption to redeem one of these days. It’s called “31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband,” and it is even more preachy and self-serving (in a good way) than the title suggests. Contained in this set of solipsistic psalms is all the problem externalization and imagined solution outsourcing any pious Christian wife could possibly ask to put off the inevitable messy divorce for one whole month. Here’s one of my favorites: Day 1 – Lord, I pray that my husband will grow spiritually and consider his accountability before You. I pray that he will guard his heart by developing spiritual disciplines – Bible reading and study, … Finish reading this sumbitch!