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Tag Archives: cock
… To Get To The Nail Salon
Shove it in your facehole like it was a wealthy black man’s cock in an adult book store in Cleveland, you faggot! Stop thinking about it ending up on your hips, your skirt will still fit. There’s goddamned rabbit food all over it. Stop thinking at all, and eat it like it’s Strawberry Shortcake’s pussy a la mode. Or if that doesn’t do it for you, you mincing little coward, think of it as Mayor McCheese’s quarter-pounder on a bun. I’ll bet you break down in sobs at the sight of a spicy nugget. You nauseating, douche-nozzle sucking lady boy. It’s your goddamned lunch! It’s yours, and I saw that chubby little whore at the other register eyeballing it. You gonna let that chubby little whore eat the lunch that, by all rights, belongs to you? I remember a time when a real man would swallow a live chicken whole. Now you mother-bred sissies, in your pink Lacoste shirts and your cruelty free face creams, can’t even swallow a pattied-out piece of synthetic fowl with a generous slathering of mayo lube and your boyfriends to chew it up for you. When your wife finds out you’re too craven to consume an animal that’s been killed, phosphorylated, and breaded for you, she’s going to leave you for the paunchy asthmatic model train enthusiast that lives next door…
Does This Mean No More Gentleman’s Mags?
The threat is that Kim Kardashian intends to become a politician. What the fuck ever, at this point. Has our political discourse over the last decade or so been any more intelligible than a drunken four-way bitch fight on E! over who used the last tampon? Not for nothing, she’s better loved than Gingrich, smarter than Bush, she isn’t overtly evil, she has a nicer, thicker ass than Hilary, she has… just an outstanding record with minorities… And if she doesn’t quite know as much about business as Mitt Romney, being only a mega-mogul, she at least hasn’t had the ethics center of her brain completely removed. Wouldn’t it be cool to have legions of 16 year-old girls and 13 year-old boys know who the hell the mayor of Glendale, CA is? When was the last time we could boast that? 90% of these kids don’t know who the Vice President is. The problem is, Kim, I have watched you getting railed. Thousands of people have watched you having sex. It was boring. If you can’t rustle up enough passion for the brother of someone who was famous in the 90s, how is your electorate to believe you won’t go into a coma the moment an aide says the word ‘budget’? Complaining about an objectively attractive woman’s inability to keep her clothes on is like asking the waitress to take your meal back because there are more chicken wings than you paid for on your plate. Still, I am almost positive the American public has what their media overlords like to call ‘standards’ when it comes to their politicians. Not the kind of standards that would allow them to distinguish a man whose job it was to fire hundreds of poor, hapless bastards from a job creator. Not the kind … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Afternoon Quickies: Oh, STFU! Edition, 4 Realz
These last couple of weeks I learned that one cannot live exclusively on the internet, that one must interact with human beings, maintain something resembling employment, and take legally mandatory vacations in Nicaragua. I shit you not. But it turns out that doesn’t really matter, because while I was gone, none of you motherfuckers did anything of any importance anyway. GOP Primaries, CISPA, John Edwards, Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor (just because they both had addiction problems doesn’t mean a non-actress can play a great one) – – it’s all just one big holding pattern because for the last two weeks the world has been utterly uninteresting. How do I know? Because instead of going out and tossing the pigskin around, you were all bitching about things nobody would ever care about otherwise: No Tards On Facebook Didn’t think mental retardation was genetic? Check out this poor kid’s mom. Brought to my attention by my buddy Cait, there’s an actually retarded petition going around, which has already gotten more than its requisite signatures, demanding Facebook not censor pictures of children with disabilities. Seems some woman posted pictures of her 7 year old son, who has Down Syndrome and is participating in his first Special Olympics, and the pics got flagged and removed. Because ignorance of how the world works never seems to stop people from throwing drooling mongo-fits. This woman must envision some poor bastard sitting behind a FB super-computer, individually investigating each of the millions of flags received every week, and making moral judgment calls on behalf of the entire corporation. And not, you know, an algorithm built into the servers that, so as to not have yeasty twats all over Facebook, just aces most of the items flagged as offensive to be on the safe side. I’m sorry, … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Success!
By the frigging sweet grace of the Great and Powerful OZ Almighty, and the awesome power of prayer so hard it looks like constipation, The First Baptist Church of Dallas has managed to raise the money it so desperately needed. Times may be lean in America, but the Lord takes care of his own, granting the Church the pants-crappingly huge sum of One Hundred and Fifteen Million (115,000,000) bones. Praise Him! Don’t spend it all in one place, you guys. In fact, we should think of all kinds of ways to spend this money that would best exemplify the Christian God’s compassion, generosity, beneficence – – A Dallas megachurch is imploding four buildings Saturday morning to make way for a $115 million campus. (Christianpost) Exactly! A consecrated, tax-exempt upgrade, something to showcase the oft-ostentatious “glory of God,” as Pastor Robert Jeffress puts it. Those four buildings He provided us were great and all, but their, I dunno… smallness? oldness? Whatever it was really distracted people from worshiping. And really, did you expect Patricia to kneel down in her smart new pantsuit whilst surrounded by so much dusty, homespun ’90s humdrum? Crisis averted, Lord. Thank you. Tell me more! Will there be seats? Crosses? Reportedly the largest church expansion program in modern history, the 1.5 million-square-foot campus will include a new 3,000-seat worship center, a six-floor education building, recreation areas, a sky bridge made of glass, a fountain with a water tower topped by a cross and a parking garage. A homeless shelter, an orphanage, a soup kitchen, a refuge for those hit hardest by the failing economy, a business that would provide the community with jobs – – Oh, none of that? Well, you can’t have everything. $115 million (one hundred and fifteen million dollars) could save a parishioner or … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Seriously, You Guys
My minions, you are incredible, the very axiom of scumbaggery. Scumbag Style has been doing wonderfully, with something like a 700% jump in traffic (considering the average) just today. So, fuck ya. But the rest of you miscreants… damn. Those that aren´t regular followers or readers come to the site by mistake, through search engine searches. I record those search terms that bring you lowlifes to me. Here are some of those searches that brought some of you here this week: girls pussy seal 2 bbc the turn of the shrew 1 free porno of sister brother niece and uncle cock suckin festival 1 meno racism 1 tony clement twitter town hall tbs 1 kathy griffin santa bikini 1 “endless cunnilingus” 1 temptation to violent sex movies free sexy 1 butch styleconundrum 1 college fuck fest ebony girl 1 girls for fucking in delhi 1 Two?? Two people went huntin´ for “girls pussy seal” and both ended up here? You must have been damned disappointed. Really, we have nothing to worry about. The only item in that grocery list of Rob Zombie´s most thrilling nightmares is “kathy griffin santa bikini.” Those terms can only led you to water, they can´t make this an incestuous “cock suckin festival.” Though I do approve of keeping that stuff to oral. You get retard babies, you go any farther. We never apologize, but we can make this prediciton: we are going to have to up the Scummy if we are going to cater to the wonderfully decadent filth that bangs about these internets we all share. You guys are worthless pieces of shit, and we want you to know you will always have a home here. … and for fuck´s sake, like us on facebook, or you´re going to tinkerbell us the hell out … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Oh, Well, That’s OK Then…
So I guess all that fuss in 1993 over Michael Jackson molestering kids was all bunk! Contactmusic reports: “Dr. Klein, [Jacko's 'skin doctor'] insists Jackson did not molest the boy, and says the reason he could describe Jackson’s genitals is because Jackson liked to pee in front of other people. Dr. Klein said Jackson thought it was funny. Klein says there were numerous times when Jackson would pee in the doctor’s home – around groups of people, including children.” The only reason the boy could identify the discolorations in Jacko’s junk (may we never have to say that phrase again, even one more time) was because he whipped it out a lot and peed in front of everyone. Well, Jesus, why didn’t you just say so? Klein is totally right in saying that “prosecutors would have failed to bring charges against Jackson if the case had gone to trial.” What jury in the world would convict a man for performing private bodily functions in front of kids because he thought it was funny? Hey kids, it’s Michael the Indecent Exposure Clown! Ha ha ha! Aren’t we having a great time watching excrement exit a penis striped brown and white like a lemur’s tail, belonging to the emaciated man who defied the laws of nature and changed his race? WHY ARE YOU CRYING???