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Tag Archives: church
Exposition at the Hideout
Phew. Ok, looks like we’re going to get away with this, guys. We just need to keep our stories straight. Here’s the official story the press is going with: Church fakes teens’ kidnapping using real gun A southeasternPennsylvania church subjected members of a youth group to a mock kidnapping and interrogations without telling them it was staged,[in order to prepare them for future missionary work abroad]. (MSNBC) Exactly. A “mock” kidnapping. It was “staged.” “Fake.” As long as the national media says it wasn’t real, even though we were using a real gun, and even though neither parents nor children were informed of it beforehand, everyone will just go with it. Who came up with that idea about “liberal media?” That was genius. Even MSNBC won’t publicly recognize a spade for a spade. Look, we’ve done this twice before, and had no problem. The only reason anyone even knows that an off duty cop and a retired Army captain kidnapped a bunch of pre-teens is because that one stupid bitch is pissed we held her little girl at real gunpoint with a bag over her head. What is the power of one indignant twat against Jesus in this country? No sweat, give it a week, and this issue will be goner than a barren woman’s husband. “They pulled my chair out from underneath me, and then they told me to get on the ground,” she told the station. “I had my hands behind my back. They said, ‘Just do as I say, and you won’t be hurt… They heard me crying,” the girl said. “Why not right then and there tell us it was a joke, when you see me crying?” That… might be damaging. We should have cut her tongue out when she started crying. Ah, but then we’d … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Fresh, Fit, and Fart Meal
I would hate to be this stupid bitch’s toilet come tomorrow morning… (credit where it’s due)
Success!
By the frigging sweet grace of the Great and Powerful OZ Almighty, and the awesome power of prayer so hard it looks like constipation, The First Baptist Church of Dallas has managed to raise the money it so desperately needed. Times may be lean in America, but the Lord takes care of his own, granting the Church the pants-crappingly huge sum of One Hundred and Fifteen Million (115,000,000) bones. Praise Him! Don’t spend it all in one place, you guys. In fact, we should think of all kinds of ways to spend this money that would best exemplify the Christian God’s compassion, generosity, beneficence – – A Dallas megachurch is imploding four buildings Saturday morning to make way for a $115 million campus. (Christianpost) Exactly! A consecrated, tax-exempt upgrade, something to showcase the oft-ostentatious “glory of God,” as Pastor Robert Jeffress puts it. Those four buildings He provided us were great and all, but their, I dunno… smallness? oldness? Whatever it was really distracted people from worshiping. And really, did you expect Patricia to kneel down in her smart new pantsuit whilst surrounded by so much dusty, homespun ’90s humdrum? Crisis averted, Lord. Thank you. Tell me more! Will there be seats? Crosses? Reportedly the largest church expansion program in modern history, the 1.5 million-square-foot campus will include a new 3,000-seat worship center, a six-floor education building, recreation areas, a sky bridge made of glass, a fountain with a water tower topped by a cross and a parking garage. A homeless shelter, an orphanage, a soup kitchen, a refuge for those hit hardest by the failing economy, a business that would provide the community with jobs – – Oh, none of that? Well, you can’t have everything. $115 million (one hundred and fifteen million dollars) could save a parishioner or … Finish reading this sumbitch!
This Man Is A Teacher
My dearest Tom Hoopes: I first encountered your work when a Catholic friend of mine pointed me toward an article in which you speak briefly about Christopher Hitchens, a great hero of mine who recently passed away. It was condescending as all get out, but it was chock full of underhanded compliments, and seemed to be relatively thoughtful. It is, of course, gratifying to see a great American champion of humanist ideals remembered fondly by members of the non-secular class, so I decided I might read some more of your work. The first article I read was entitled “Six Myths About Atheism,” and I have to say, the title excited me, because I assumed you were a man of thought, and perhaps you’d be spending your time dispelling some of the myths that are propagated amongst the religious about non-believers. The article turned out to be the epitome of those very lies: a carelessly thought out bigoted bit of blatant propaganda, a brainwashing tool to keep the hate for atheists alive among the religious. My first thought was of completely ignoring it. After all, ignorance abounds in your community, trying to change one mind in the sea of under-used brains you call a church leaves one feeling impotent and frustrated. As my beautiful wife put it, quoting someone else: “Never argue with an idiot. They´ll drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience.” On the other hand, several of my friends and readers across Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, etc. expressed concern that I said that all of your points were entirely wrong, your research was ass-on-fire, and your intentions were entirely malicious, so I decided that I might address your points and show you why you’re an untalented, proselytizing asshole. After all, even you said in your article … Finish reading this sumbitch!