By Ms Lori

Hey there. My name is Lori, and I am here to take you to school. Yes, darling, I know you don’t want to go to school. There is just such a glut of elitist intellectual smarty-pants propaganda floating around this country, that we could all use a little less school and a little more common Bible sense. And not only that, book-learnin’ is so hard. So I thought that, as your teacher, maybe I could pop a few blouse buttons, put my finger in my mouth, and make you hard for education.

Recent History 101

(If you know the story, you may skip this section, but I will be talking about my vagina, and it will be on the test. My vag, I mean. I dip it in red ink and leave a nice little lip hug for all my A students.)*

I’d like to introduce you to Jessica Ahlquist. A lot of you may know her from the death threats you sent her and her family. Some of you may even remember promising to rape her, mostly from the safe, cowardly anonymity of the internet. Some of you have done it in person, in public, and for that I applaud you. For those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is female, like I totally am, and she is a sixteen year old high school student from Rhode Island. And she is an atheist, so her opinion doesn’t count.

Still, Jessica is the newest champion of constitutional civil rights in the US, and many regard her as a hero. Just the excitement of her young age and her superior reasoning skills make my nips all hard. Go ahead, feel your screen. Can you feel that? I’m working on two semi-symmetrical avocado pits here.

There are some that suggest this is not a specifically Christian prayer.

Nine months ago:  As a non-believer in all fairy tales, no matter their tenacity or popularity, Jessica was particularly perturbed by a banner hanging in her public high school’s auditorium or gymnasium or whatever. The banner was very clearly a Christian prayer, albeit one with a surprisingly well-thought-out list for Santa Jesus. As a person, she felt excluded, and a little frightened. The institution responsible for her mental and social development during some very formative years not only espoused ideals a five year old child could see was bullshit, but also considered her a second class citizen. This is all not to mention that her peers are not exactly of an age where being different got you a good seat at the lunch table. When I brought my first menstrual painting in for fifth grade show and tell, I shouldn’t have been surprised when the kids took me out back at recess and pelted me with used tampons, right?

But as a citizen, Jessica knew that laws we being broken, laws in place specifically to protect people like her, and took it upon herself to see them fixed. She politely asked her school to take the offending tapestry down, in accordance with local and federal law. When they declined and told her to shut up, she sued their fat, pious asses.

The case caused a bit of a row in her Rhode Island community, one that FOX News couldn’t help but assist in rippling across the country. Dissenting opinion came in the form of angry letters, threats from fellow students and their parents, and a strongly worded letter from God on a tortilla. Still everyone basically believed she was a kind of upstart heathen on her period, and she would never win her case.

Last week:  Boy were their faces red when the judge unequivocally ruled in favor of Jessica Ahlquist, and ordered the school to burn the prayer banner as part of a wholesome Satanic ritual. By red, I mean the kind of red an old-school shit-faced Irishman’s face gets when you tell him you anally raped his sister, and she loved it. The kind of red my pussy gets when I do 7 tabs of ecstasy and am left to my own devices for a whole day. They were pissed, and rubbed the wrong way is what I mean.

Primate Behavior 201

There hasn’t been so much feces thrown since I went to the monkey habitat at the zoo and took their gestures as a personal challenge. I mean, this shit got bad. They weren’t angry at the judge for handing down the objectively, unarguably correct ruling, nor the lawyers who clearly let him know he’d be the laughing stock of the judicial gym locker room if he came back with any other verdict. They were mad at the little girl that outsmarted them.

Locally, Jessica and her family do not feel safe going to the supermarket. She’s been called evil, told she’s going to hell, that she’d be injured, raped, even killed. By followers of Christ. Her peers, marinated as they have been in their folks’ backward ass, witch-hunty philosophy as if it were their own, jeered, mocked, and threatened her, holding the same torches and pitchforks the adults carried. It got to the point this week where Jessica had to make a public plea that all the haters’ beef was with her, and could they please leave her sister alone. I don’t even have a joke for that. That’s fucking disgusting.

In the anonymous halls of the internet, people hiding behind avatars and screen names behaved with their expected grace and tact. Here’s a sampling:

“Let’s all jump that girl who did the banner #fuckthatho”
“I want to punch the girl in the face that made west take down the school prayer… #Honestly”

“hail Mary full of grace @jessicaahlquist is gonna get punched in the face”
“Fuck Jessica alquist I’ll drop anchor on her face”
“lol I wanna stick that bitch lol”
“We can make so many jokes about this dumb bitch, but who cares #thatbitchisgointohell and Satan is gonna rape her.”
“Brb ima go drown that atheist in holy water”
“”But for real somebody should jump this girl” lmao let’s do it!”
“shes not human shes garbage”
“wen the atheist dies, they believe they will become a tree, so we shld chop her down, turn her into paper then PRINT THE BIBLE ON HER.”
“May that little, evil athiest teenage girl and that judge BURN IN HELL!”
“definetly laying it down on this athiest tommorow anyone else?”
“yeah, well i want the immediate removal of all atheists from the school, how about that?”
“If this banner comes down, hell i hope the school burns down with it!”
“U little brainless idiot, hope u will be punished, you have not win sh..t! Stupid little brainless skunk!”
“Nothing bad better happen tomorrow #justsaying #fridaythe13th”
“How does it feel to be the most hated person in RI right now? Your a puke and a disgrace to the human race.”
“I hope there’s lots of banners in hell when your rotting in there you atheist fuck #TeamJesus”
“literally that bitch is insane. and the best part is she already transferred schools because shes knows someone will jump her #ahaha”
“gods going to fuck your ass with that banner you scumbag”
“I found it, what a little bitch lol I wanna snuff her”
“if I wasn’t 18 and wouldn’t go to jail I’d beat the shit out of her idk how she got away with not getting beat up yet”
“nail her to a cross”
“When I take over the world I’m going to do a holocaust to all the atheists” (Alternet)

Oh, hi. I´m Jessica. I´M SIXTEEN!

Mother fucker! I cannot say this enough, this girl is sixteen. The fact that these people have the intellect of a two year old doesn’t excuse them from basic decency and, I don’t know, not gloating about the Satan raping she’s got coming to her.  I mean, I wouldn’t mind, because that sounds like fun to me. Muscles all red and ripply, cock veins purple and hot as thousand suns, probably Hitler and Mother Teresa there to watch. But of course these people think it would be a bad thing, so screw them.

The public forum hasn’t been overly sexy for Jessica either. Outside of various circus clown pundits, her state senator suggested she was the puppet of the ACLU and that she shouldn´t be using money with “In God We Trust On It.” But Beth Moura is just an idiot. Her own representative Peter Palumbo called her an “evil little thing” on the radio. SHE’S SIXTEEN.** Forgetting the fact that this guy took an oath to uphold the Constitution and knows damned well Jessica is entirely, 100% in the right, he’s a grown man! I get it. I do. Men sometimes need to feel big and important, and statutory importance is easy pickins. He’s a big man, now that he’s broadcast to the world that a sixteen year old girl is evil. He really pulled them pigtails and took the little girl down a peg. She was pretty much asking for it, being all vulnerable and underage like she is. And that shirt! What did we expect, really? One time, when I was a kid, I suggested to my uncle he may have had a couple too many Fosters, and he proceeded to hold me down and make me taste what too many recycled Fosters tasted like in one swallow. I had it coming.

Most recently, a scheduled school board meeting or whatever was held, and while school lunches and parent prom committee are probably pretty pressing this time of year, guess what was discussed, for the entire meeting.  Yop. The immediate repeal of the court decision.  But guess who had the immense, Jolly Green balls to show up and speak.

Fuckin’ A, Jessica Ahlquist! She and a classmate took the mic and calmly, rationally explained to the standing room only crowd of adult animals parents why they were fucktards, and frankly, sore losers. How did the community react? Why, the booed and heckled the shit out of her of course. One more time, all together now, SHE IS SIXTEEN! These are adults who, it has to be said, are responsible for raising their own children (scary, no?), and they were outclassed by a couple of kids with an appropriate reading level. While Jessica cites legal precedent and logic, these grown assed proto-humans carried on like so much poked baboon.  So far all that has been proven is that omniscient, all powerful God needs rural New England bumpkins to stand up for him. (Serious props go to the superintendent for taking the mic and telling them they were acting like children)

Recess

This is really long, and I’m sure reading so much is hurting your tiny brain, so here is a picture of me with less clothes on.

Philosophy 104

A lot of the aforementioned hullaballoo was a result of the mistaken impression so many of us have adopted that in America, majority rules. The majority of the people living in the town or county or whatever are Christian, so they should be allowed to decide if an exclusionary prayer should hang in the auditorium. When I hear this bit of fuck-nuttery, I feel like I just heard a five year old tell a dead baby joke. “Where do you pick this shit up?” you want to yell at their faces, whilst shaking them with a will. “It’s not like we teach you this in school!” In fact, for more than 250 years, we have run the United States of America on the exact opposite precept of “majority rules.” Do you so misunderstand the country you love so much that you’ll kill a queer to keep him from marrying and ruining it, that you don’t even know how Democracy works?

This is why the conservative establishment rails so very hard against schooling of any kind. “Universities are evil!” they shout. “Go ahead and home school your kid so they don’t learn anything that contradicts the Bible, including social skills and monkey humpin’.” It is in their best interests to keep 95% of Americans in a real live medieval serfdom, so you don’t learn how to fucking read your own country’s founding documents. Whenever an American slave was found to have learned how to read and write, they hung his ass. Even we women were not allowed to read at certain times, because men knew it wouldn’t be long before we developed Xerox capabilities and started emailing copies of our vagoos around the office.

Constitution one-oh-fucking-one

If majority did indeed rule, slavery would never have been universally abolished. States would still be allowed to call people property, and do not be so naive to think some would not opt in. The decedents of those slaves would have their own toilets and schools and counters at the malt shops that deign to even let them through the door. When my cunt starts to smell of fish, as all cunts do from time to time, I would not be allowed to get that fixed medically. Elvis Presley records would come with labels warning parents that the content could cause cancer in children under 17. We have fail-safes in place so that the majority of people can’t straight up vote to have all second born Phillipino boys’ nutsacks sealed in tuna cans if the religious establishment suddenly decided to make you believe that is what Jesus wants.

And if you had your dumb fuck wish, and majority did in fact rule, can you at least have some bleeding forethought about it? Today you clamor that, because most of you are Christians, you can shove it in anyone else’s face that lives there. Every day. So that every day, some atheist 16 year old girl has to come to grips with the fact that a public institution she has no choice but to attend thinks of her as a second class citizen. What happens when a shit-ton of Muslims show up because, I don’t know, there’s a huge demand for falafel. Suddenly the Muslims outnumber the Christians, and the prayer banner in the auditorium praises Allah. Are you going to sit back and say, “Well shit, there’s more of them than us”? Or are you going to have kittens and yell NINE ELEVEN until the Muslims are drug out into the streets and shot just to shut your shrill ass up?

Phys-Ed

It’s a matter of rationality fellas, and I know you’re allergic to that word, but it wasn’t prayer that built the Chrysler building. It took deductive reasoning skills, and math and science, and yes, a fucking liberal arts degree in engineering. This prayer hubbub is the exact same sans-reasoning as this recent bit of cock-knockery in which extremist group Focus on the Family took the opportunity, during Tim Tebow’s last game as Jesus’ butt boy, to air an incredibly expensive advertisement that showed a bunch of good white Christian kids talking about John 3:16.

Now, putting aside the fact that no one called CPS on their asses, a commercial during that game reached 34.2 million Americans in their living rooms (a playoff record). The NFL is a family event nowadays, as evidenced by the shitty half-time shows we’ve had to endure these past decades (you think your average male NFL fan gives a crispy Christ about Britney Spears?). But when recently a few atheist billboards showed up over the highways of relatively rural butt-fuck Ohio (for example), which could only have conceivably reached 350,000 adult, licensed, supposedly reasonable Ohioans, being generous, the whole blessed country took a collective pants-dook over the in-your-face indoctrination, and they were removed.

It’s only fair that, if you should have to change for gym class, I should too.

If those kids were quoting the Qur’an as an aside to Tom Brady’s triumphant reckoning, Christians across the nation would be hootin’ and a hollerin’ about those poor kids having to parrot some silly sandy-ass superstition. If my religion said I had to jam out with my clam out at state fairs every summer, they’d call it a cult, and worse, feminism, and they’d shoot it down in a second. Literally the only conclusion that can be reached is that you believe Christians reckon higher amongst the American caste, and in every conceivable sense, that is the antithesis of American. It isn’t democratic, it isn{t legal, it isn’t fair, and it damned sure isn’t right. “Freedom of religion” does not mean that you’re welcome to choose something other than what the majority of Americans are if you’re willing to have your rights stripped away.

In other words, it is unconstifuckingtutional.

*”Lip hug” being a term coined by the lovely Danielle Hurley as a female alternative to the tea bag, so if you tell her I stole it, I will kill you in your sleep.

** Here is his phone number and email address. Let him know what a piece of shit he is.rep-palumbo@rilin.state.ri.us    (401) 785-2882

Jessica Ahlquist is indeed a hero, with speaking engagements across the bible belt and beyond, and at this year’s planned Reason Rally, pretty much opening for Tim Minchin. Hott. Concerned citizens have started a scholarship fund to help her through college, and I hope you’ll consider supporting her.

"My mommy says I can´t go over your house acuz it smells like a yeast infection."

Oh Bill Cosby. You have made a whole new type of child abuse possible. Thank you for that. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but I don’t think Enrico Fermi had a cold war in mind when he built that nuclear reactor.

Now, I’ll be the first guy to say that I’m not a fan of Michelle Bachmann… No. No, that’s a lie. I’ll be one of many to say it. I’ll also say I think she might be crazy. Not fun-crazy either: “Did you invite her?” “No of course I didn´t, but she found out about the party so I had to say she could come.” crazy. So when I saw this video, in which a representative of the local Gay/Straight alliance gave Bachmann some hell, I said “Hell yea LGBT girls with silly dress code!” In two minutes they present a really solid problem with Bachmann’s philosophy, one that I hadn’t come up with myself. And I’m brilliant. It’s just straight up impressive seeing them get up the balls (take that how ever you want, just don’t get all emo on me) to put that woman on the spot in the middle of people clearly into what she’s got to say.

So when I hear there’s a video of an even younger kid putting her in her place I say to myself, “There’s no way this is going to make me think poorly of the opposite opinion.”

First: it took me like 10 viewings to get the volume up to a level I could both hear and wasn’t at risk of blowing my speakers. Second: that little boy is so damned uncomfortable saying what he’s been told to say that it took me 10 viewings to get the volume up to a level I could both hear and wasn’t at risk of blowing my speakers!

Honey, and I call you honey to be offensive, I know ‘kids say the darnedest things’ but it really doesn’t count when you force them to say it to try to create some measure of value to your impeccably biased opinion. Did you not watch this before posting it? Is that what you did? That feels like what you did. It feels like you got your adrenaline up after putting that ‘crazy conservative in her place’ and just went right to the interwebs with it! No way someone’s gonna see this and think about calling Child Protective Services on the lesbian making her child say things he’s uncomfortable with in public.

This is exploitation on a “Black Samurai” level. Except of course Black Samurai was hysterical because it was god-awful and made up of adults willingly participating. This is god-awful and has a child whispering at the “show me on the doll” volume. Bachmann takes this  one with a stride and tact I NEVER WANTED TO SEE HER HAVE! Good job proving the opposite of your opinion there, Rosie O’Donnell, because mommy might need fixing if she’s forcing her children to advocate for her before they’re old enough to comprehend what he’s doing.

I was tossing around my level of irritation with those videos for a few weeks until I stumbled on this one today:

Thank you, Huffington Post, for posting… this ‘article‘ here. I’m glad AOL dropped cash for this level of quality.

You know what’s real screwed up here? This little girl is making a really, frighteningly articulate argument. Then dad’s gotta cut in with his Munchausen’s-by-Proxy-two-cents “Boys can buy pink stuff too, right?”

Are you fucking kidding me, bro?

Pop. Are you… actually listening to what your daughter’s saying here? I know you want to make a statement about your own personal agendas, but your kid is saying, with the exception of the actual words “There are no strong concepts of female role models for my age group.” Did you catch that? Or did you just catch a soundbyte that appeals to your philosophies and move on with your day?

Buy this kid a Ms. Marvel and Spider-Woman action figure and show her that the female characters can be way, way cooler than their male counterparts and skip your dramatic “that’s a good question” closer. You prick.

Pictured: a better role model than Barbie

I think you might also be missing the undertone that, perhaps, your daughter might not be playing for the team you expect her to be playing for in 15 years. Short haircut. Flannel. Not flannel “grunge is back” either. I suggest you give her some nice strong characters to model herself from, so she can develop a concept of positive interactions with others who fulfill social constructs, and she doesn’t become the type of angst-ridden mom that forces her uncomfortable child into a bookstore to attempt a political statement.

If going a whole month without running around town, talking shit about yur husband, let him go. At least HE won´t be a miserable twat for the rest of his life.

Nothing is better than a wife that hasn’t grown so crusty, jaded, and complacent in her marriage that she can’t take a few minutes out of her busy schege to do something for her husband. A surprise dinner, a homemade card, a drink and slipper greeting, an asshole bleaching; dudes dig that shit, and it’s nice to remind him he hasn’t bought permanently into the life of ball mangling, future sapping, constant drunkitude Leah Ramini makes marriage out to be. Unfortunately (for the women at least), the more uncreative amongst the fairer sex are often left with constant sore-jaw for lack of any better ideas as to how to show their appreciation. If only there was a way to do that without actually doing anything.

Enter Facebook, with a Group that firmly yanks our sacks out of the matrimonial Icy Hot with 31 ideas that allow a wife to indulge her narcissism and natural predilection toward condescension while pretending to do something sweet for her husband. Ladies, they’re all awesome, and they beat the bag out of giving that semi-annual “Relations With the Lights On” coupon he might actually grow the gumption to redeem one of these days.

It’s called “31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband,” and it is even more preachy and self-serving (in a good way) than the title suggests. Contained in this set of solipsistic psalms is all the problem externalization and imagined solution outsourcing any pious Christian wife could possibly ask to put off the inevitable messy divorce for one whole month. Here’s one of my favorites:

Day 1 – Lord, I pray that my husband will grow spiritually and consider his accountability before You. I pray that he will guard his heart by developing spiritual disciplines – Bible reading and study, prayer, meditation, scripture memorization, etc. (2 Peter 3:18; Prov. 4:23)

Fun! Nothing says matrimonial bliss like scripture memorization. Ooo! Maybe on a hard, splintery, wooden chair! But that’s not all! For the same price you get this popular classic.

Day 27 – I pray that my husband will understand the importance of taking care of his body – the temple of the Holy Spirit – for the glory of God. I pray that he will practice self-control by making wise food choices and get sufficient exercise to stay healthy. (Rom. 12:1-2; 1 Cor. 6:19-20, 9:27)

Gotta stay sexy for that hot hot fundie sex, and if Jesus has to be your personal trainer, so be it. Any potential flaw you could possibly imagine, any condescending rule of order you can winch onto your already strangled, sexually repressed relationship, “31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband” has an a la carte menu of haiku sized petitions to the almighty hypnotizer to suit all of your needs. Remember, you knew when you got into this marriage this guy couldn’t be trusted to bathe himself regularly. A time comes when you have to call in a third party to see to the big stuff. This one takes that lesson all the way home to mom:

Day 8 – Lord, I pray that my husband will work hard to provide for our family, to the best of his ability. I pray that the character qualities necessary for a successful career and ministry will be a growing part of his character – persistence, decisiveness, strength, an analytical mind, organizational skills, positive relationships with people, determination, etc. (Rom. 12:11; 1 Cor. 15:58)

Did you see that? “Etc.”! It´s like a letter to Santa! I´d really like a trike, a nina turtles dream house, a little brother, and you know, whatever else you can think of. Asking for things is tiring. Like thinking. Surprise me.

Day 7 – I pray that my husband will safeguard his heart against inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex. Lord, let his heart be pure and undivided in his commitment to me. (Prov. 6:23-24, 26; Rom 13:14)

This is getting a little insulting… Why exactly did you marry this dude if you thought there was the chance he was going to screw around. Where´s the trust, babe? You need to call in outside help to make sure I´m not boinking my secretary? Shit…

Day 10 – Lord, I pray my husband will cultivate strong integrity, and not compromise his convictions. I pray that his testimony will be genuine, that he will be honest in his business dealings, and will never do anything that he needs to hide from others. (Prov. 20:7; 1 Tim.1:5,3:7; Eph.6:10-12)

If you genuinely feel you can’t count on me to be a decent, upstanding man and a loving, caring husband, you better start praying I don’t throw you down the stairs. Or maybe you should have done your praying before you committed to marrying my sorry, deadbeat ass, and gotten yourself a good, happy Jesus slave. Better late than never though, right? Go for it. And while you have the J.C. on the horn, want to put in an order for a blond with nice tits and a generous policy concerning tush occupancy? You know, while we’re asking for improvements.

Day 20 – God, I pray that my husband will yield his mind and thoughts to the Lord. I pray that he will not entertain immoral or impure thoughts,and that he will resist the temptation to indulge in pornography.(Prov. 27:12; 2 Cor. 10:5

Are you noticing a trend here? Bonus, ladies. At the same time you are publicly – you created a fucking Facebook group about it, now – publicly taking credit for doing a good wifely deed, you are really praying for nobody but yourself. Might as well pray that a potpourri truck is snagged in your giant doily web out in the street, or whatever chicks wish for, because that shit is all you. This is as juvenile as those fourth grade girls that make those little notebook paper fortune tellers, and ask them if their future husband will be handsome, swarthy (pirate girl), or a doctor, or a Nick Carter. Not to mention exactly as reliable.

Kindly allow me to speak for my target male demographic for the moment. Ladies, if you feel the need to grant us this kind of favor, don’t bother. We deal with enough condescension and derision from the bulk of our daily lives, we don’t need it from you. We had every intention of keeping it in our pants and forking over the checks until we found out you didn’t think us capable. Now we want to screw around just to show you how useless your “prayers” for “us” are. So thanks, but we’d rather not be the victim of your spiritual masturbations. And if that doesn’t drive the point home, here’s my one day prayer for you:

“May my wife have the trust to know I´m not going to screw her sister, the decency not to talk shit about me to her imaginary friends, and the willingness to provide regular beejes because she appreciates me for who I am, not for who her sky wizard can make me. (Book of Eatmebitch 20:21)”

There you have it. There are far more productive things you can do on your knees. Oh, and while we’re on the subject of bitches cutting the shit, stop calling us “hubbies.” Squirmsville.

So many awesome tributes today.

The last thing Scumbag Style wants to do is get all serious and misty-eyed, so we´ll keep this brief.

Christopher Hitchens – author, philosopher, great thinker, one of the most important primates to walk this Earth in the past century – has finally succumbed to esophageal cancer. He´s an inspiration to many of the writers here, his thoughts crudely replayed across our pages for the sake of intelligent dick jokes. The world will miss his influence, his humor, his articles and books, and his “Hitchslaps” greatly… if not now, then very soon, as he predicted.

Also, proving Hitchens entirely correct, the ugliness of your average Christian (that´s right, I said it) reared its celebratory head the moment Vanity Fair broke the news. Seriously, go check out hashtag #godisnotgreat on Twitter right now. I will wait (here´s a few for you impatients):

via @jes3ica

What a tribute! Scrumptious irony packaged in a flaky crust of pure, violent ignorance. Whilst threatening horrific violence to all who retweeted #GodIsNotGreat, Christians across the globe had no clue that God Is Not Great is the title of Hitchens´ famous book linking religion with violence and ignorance (ignorance like not knowing one of the most important books of your lifetime). Its all over Facebook and junk, too, and these are just some of the funniest, not the really creatively violent ones. Believing in God may also include the awesomeness of Hell Sandwiches and slug guns, but it definitely does not include grammar lessons in the basic package. And my goodness do the Godly like their elipses (that´s the “dot dot dot” for you religious minded).

Say, you know how atheists are always sending death threats to Christians for expressing their views? Exactly, and that´s what Hitchens was getting at. There are good men and there are dickheads, but it takes religion to make a good man be a dick on the internet.

Word

This has since been disproved, however it does reveal something startling. The way Twitter trending works, the phrase or hashtag has to evolve due to user content. It uses an algorithm that determines this, to make sure trends are kept fresh and exciting. So, while a flesh-and-blood person did not sensor #godisnotgreat (Gizmodo), the body of Twitter users actually did, by coming up with more fresh new reasons to beat your girlfriend than things to say about a venerated author and orator. Smell that? That´s the low tide of your faith in humanity, and it smells like win for one deceased hero.

(Science never had a chance…)

There are some in the right wing media suggesting the recent rash of Christian killings is a blatant attack on the United States itself (I saw it on like Megyn Kelly or something, and it looks like Geraldo will be filtering it through his mustache tonight). The idea here is that America is a Christian nation, and that killing Christians in the Middle East is some kind of retaliatory gesture for our sticking our fingers in their crazy cake for the past decade or so. That is so ridiculous, so maddeningly, infuriatingly bass-ackwards that… it has to be true. I just wish there were some way it could have been avoided…

“Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law…”

Shut up Jefferson, you were a Christian because we say so. It’s the only story that fits our red pen marks on history, and we’ll not have you reaching your rotting, French manicured hand out from beyond the grave to fuck with that. Bitch.

Seriously, though, that is a seriously salient argument. Coming from the same channel that skipped third grade science and doesn’t know how the tides work, that display of mental prowess is nothing short of Herculean. Now follow that line of logic through, you guys. You can do it, I believe in you. If killing Christians in the Middle East is an attack on the Christian U.S… and your pet politicians keep insisting that America is indeed a Christian nation… come on, you can do it… even though a founding principal of the nation involves a clear directive to keep separate Church and State… supported by supplemental documents from nearly all of the founding fathers… the way this issue could be completely avoided is – – wait wait, come back! Damn your ADD! Stop being distracted by the Egyptian riots, you bastards.

Ugh. Not a good time, Egyptians. You went and distracted O’Reilly. Fine…

But anyways, that was pretty scary how they almost used their brains, right? Isolated incident, you say. Nothing to worry about. Tomorrow they’ll go back to sticking forks in light sockets and licking the undercarriages of cars, you say. Wrong! Stay scared! Watch this:

Holy shitskees, another Christian with a well thought out argument. I mean, I hate him and all, but… I think he has a chance of being right. The jury is still out, what with the disgusting, culture rotting nature of the companies involved. But he’s right about one thing. The Global Disaster Theme Park (can you imagine if that were done right? I would buy stock like Miley Cyrus buys pregnancy tests) is going to provide jobs and income to Kentucky. Providing they don’t use the money to arm their Confederates with lasers, I’d call that a good move. And the project fits the criteria of the state’s tourism stimulus, so really they just found a loophole where lawmakers forgot to put a “No wackos” clause. That’s if the study they paid for comes out in their favor. Fingers crossed!

They’re basically using welfare to build this abomination, which is fine, but it must be kind of embarrassing for them. Tell you what. You can have your multi-million dollar indoctrination center poorly costumed as a place normal people go to have fun, just so long as you admit to being socialist. I just want to hear it once. Wait, hold on, let me get my lotion. O – – OK, go.

PS. Click on the pic of Jefferson for a full list of quotes concerning just how much he detested Christianity. It’s basically a laundry list of shut-the-fuck-up to the cable news of two and half centuries later. Almost like he saw it coming. Huh.