These last couple of weeks I learned that one cannot live exclusively on the internet, that one must interact with human beings, maintain something resembling employment, and take legally mandatory vacations in Nicaragua. I shit you not. But it turns out that doesn’t really matter, because while I was gone, none of you motherfuckers did anything of any importance anyway. GOP Primaries, CISPA, John Edwards, Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor (just because they both had addiction problems doesn’t mean a non-actress can play a great one) – - it’s all just one big holding pattern because for the last two weeks the world has been utterly uninteresting.

How do I know? Because instead of going out and tossing the pigskin around, you were all bitching about things nobody would ever care about otherwise:

No Tards On Facebook Didn’t think mental retardation was genetic? Check out this poor kid’s mom. Brought to my attention by my buddy Cait, there’s an actually retarded petition going around, which has already gotten more than its requisite signatures, demanding Facebook not censor pictures of children with disabilities. Seems some woman posted pictures of her 7 year old son, who has Down Syndrome and is participating in his first Special Olympics, and the pics got flagged and removed. Because ignorance of how the world works never seems to stop people from throwing drooling mongo-fits. This woman must envision some poor bastard sitting behind a FB super-computer, individually investigating each of the millions of flags received every week, and making moral judgment calls on behalf of the entire corporation. And not, you know, an algorithm built into the servers that, so as to not have yeasty twats all over Facebook, just aces most of the items flagged as offensive to be on the safe side. I’m sorry, young Cole, you may be able to long jump with the best of the Gumps, but you’ll probably drown in the tub before you leave your mom’s care.

Mitt Romney’s Idiot Wife I’ve only half been paying attention, so you must have heard that Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen said that single mother and professional millionaire Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life, implying that perhaps a woman with more money than a Jewish movie producer with a Bilderberg weekend pass that has never held a job in the public sphere may not be the ideal spokesperson for women in the workplace in these harsh economic times. A poor choice of words, perhaps, but one that can be easily deciphered by anyone with half a brain and a Dan Brown book. But since the average woman that votes Republican in the US doesn’t have half a brain, conservative media was able to convince stay-at-home moms that Rosen meant that raising kids isn’t hard, and they’ve birthing kittens all over my news feed ever since. They still won’t drop it, weeks later, clinging to it like Chris Christie to the last package of Double-Stuff Oreos in Road Warrior times. Because having a full time nanny and maid staff, not to mention money to hire the most responsible 15-year-old babysitter in Ripley’s, is exactly like what single mothers working two jobs go through. Ann Romney recently said, “I love the fact that there are also women out there that don’t have a choice and they must go to work and they still have to raise the kids.” Rosen was absolutely right, and if you don’t stfu about what Fox News wants you to get upset about, you might miss what they’re sneaking past you while you shit yourself over nothing. This is nothing but manufactured controversy, because the Republicans have nothing real to bitch about, as Obama is doing his fucking job for once.

Spiritual Affiliation and Porn We all know that fundamentalists hate on porn to such a frightening degree they are often able to do something about it. Now a couple of idiots over at American Humanist are insisting that secular humanists ought to hate on porn too, because it objectifies women, depicts them as things to use for gratification, blah blah blah bullshit spouted by people who don’t know what they are talking about. Now, this kind of argument has been debunked so many times I’m out of fingers and toes and penises to count them on. But I want to take issue with the idea that the viewer of porn, whilst focusing on the sexual act, is not taking the woman’s personality into account. On the contrary, I personally find pornography boring if the woman does not express any emotion or self in the scene. How does she feel about being double penetrated while hanging upside down with a piss funnel in her mouth, I’d like to know. If she doesn’t react, how can I tell if she is enjoying it or not, and adjust my self-ministrations accordingly? If anything, it is more often the man (in traditional porn) that is used as the anonymous stand-in, good only for his cock and grunts. And even if it were true that porn removes the woman’s self from the equation, must all art include every aspect of the subject? Wouldn’t that severely muddy the result and make it, in effect, not art? Would it make you happy if she wrote an treatise about her experience afterward (because they do that sometimes, in adorably terrible grammar)? Go read Jenna Jameson’s book about being rich, and ask her if she feels exploited.

Tim Tebow’s Penis Inexplicably demonized infidelity dating service Ashley Madison (Huffpost of all outlets calls it an “incredibly sleazy dating service… sinking to new lows) is offering a million clams to any woman that can factually disprove Tebow’s claim that he is a virgin, ignoring the real mystery of why anyone claiming to be a man would ever advertise the fact. Frankly, my boy R-Gronks has the right idea by offering to claim it for him. The only way to prove a dude is a mary is for a chick to give him a shot. When he has no idea what he’s doing and blows in her hand, we have a loser! Anyway, if Tebow’s myriad chokes on the field aren’t enough evidence he isn’t pumping his anxiety into a supermodel or pop star like a respectable NFL quarterback, you don’t know the definition of empirical. Easily solved, stfu about it.

Hey, for all we know, the lack of real news featuring real people I could have mocked is due to the fact that good things were happening. Alaska Airlines stopped serving bible passages with in-flight meals, and Kansas’ personhood bill failed because women live there. We’re not all pessimism and dick jokes here. Well done, you guys.

Dance! Dance for me, America! And give me your plump little boys!

Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean the Vatican isn’t conducting a clumsy shadow war against the United States. Seriously, judging by the color coded yarn connecting newspaper articles across my bedroom walls, there have been a few too many kooky coincidences for my overactive imagination to simply dismiss like so much Costa Rican hooker.

Just just just just look. Look at this news from Kansas, where Republicans are advancing a bill that would legalize discrimination and bullying of homosexuals in that state, so long as it is done for religious reasons. But that isn’t really the news, is it? Republicans have been playing chicken with blatantly medieval laws since Obama took office, kind of playing keep-away with the Bill of Rights. That’s just the cover story, the part to keep your impotent moral outrage diverted from the puppeteers:

“…one of the sponsors of this bill is the Kansas Catholic Conference.” (Addicting Info)

I was never familiarized with the semantics of passing bills, but sponsoring? Like a pizza joint sponsors a pee-wee soccer team? Do they get to just slap a crucifix right on the law so that everyone who reads it starts watering at the mouth for Christ? Or are they just signing their names to the preliminary paperwork to go ahead and influence policy directly, without paying us?

The church would like you to know that they are only sponsoring those sexy tight pants.

Whatever. If you think this is an isolated incident, you have been playing right into the hands of the MAN. You’re blind, man, you’re bliiiiind. Check out Arizona, where a law was just defeated that would have made contraception harder to get for working women, and would have severely violated their privacy in that very personal regard. Dance, lonely goatherd, dance!

The Republican-sponsored bill is supported by social conservatives and Roman Catholic bishops who say it protects the religious freedom of all employers by allowing them to use the opt-out privilege now extended only to religious entities. (Slate)

There they are again! The Catholics have enjoyed enormous imput on so many laws affecting the lives of so many Americans, I doubt if most of you even notice. In fact, if you dig, if you really dig, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops have been behind at least 28 specific passed and unpassed laws, just in the 112th Congress, as well as innumerable general legislative issues they choose to meddle with.

And if they’re not sponsoring, they’re desponsoring. A couple of years back, Washington was deciding on its gay marriage policy. If it passed, The Catholic Church made it very clear that they would personally let hundreds of homeless people starve to death. Not the most valuable hostages. This country really responds to little blond girls in danger, but the strategy did prove rather effective, after all.

28 laws. That’s not including other Catholic organizations at the state level, not to mention other religious denominations and cults. At what point is that number high enough to constitute a covert invasion? The Vatican is a state unto itself, don’t forget. If the Russians had this many spies in such high places, we’d start executing Jews and MSNBC pundits, just to feel like we were doing something productive.

Dah, boinking is for babies, comrade.

Don’t even think about comparing my completely sober warnings of total Papist takeover to the hubbub over JFK when he ran. That was a whole different conspiracy in which people were trying to keep a walking erection out of the highest office in the land, just so he wouldn’t hand the keys to the red button over to whatever celebrity hooker won the Easter Sunday blowjob contest. A noble purpose, indeed, but at least JFK was a Democrat that wouldn’t consider allowing church to incur any farther on state than it already had. Shit, would Kennedy have even considered outlawing contraception, as Rick Santorum has expressed gleeful interest in attempting? A whole drawer in JFK’s Oval Office desk was devoted to Trojan storage. That is not the profile of a man that would make any woman have a baby if she didn’t want to.

Just because the suspicion of the takeover of Roman Popery fell flat fifty years ago, doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid concern now. Now, with a conservative Catholic supported by the bulk of the American Religious Right doing far too well in the polls for those who have ever picked up a history book. Now, when a sponsorship from a religious organization actually bolsters a bill’s chance of passing. Now, when the blind, 300 year-old acolytes that live in ancient cellars beneath the Vatican are preparing to open the huge iron gates and let the thirteen Horrumods out to lay waste to sinful cities like Chicago and San Francisssssssco.

If you, like me, are concerned about the conspiracies happening all around us – or if you understand the psychological effect of talking in an erratic, paranoid way, and how useful a tool it can be – don’t wait! Head over to Unemployed Geniuses, where they are advertising some very attractive Glenn Beck survival kits, and long, spirit draining videos with circular logic. You’re right, guys. It is pretty satisfying.

Pastor Lanza's basement, where "mock" kidnappings and "fake" rapes get that authentic touch you hear so much about.

Phew. Ok, looks like we’re going to get away with this, guys. We just need to keep our stories straight. Here’s the official story the press is going with:

Church fakes teens’ kidnapping using real gun

A southeasternPennsylvania church subjected members of a youth group to a mock kidnapping and interrogations without telling them it was staged,[in order to prepare them for future missionary work abroad]. (MSNBC)

Exactly. A “mock” kidnapping. It was “staged.” “Fake.” As long as the national media says it wasn’t real, even though we were using a real gun, and even though neither parents nor children were informed of it beforehand, everyone will just go with it. Who came up with that idea about “liberal media?” That was genius. Even MSNBC won’t publicly recognize a spade for a spade.

My wife holds them down while I hold a lit bic close enough to their eyelashes for them to smell the burning love of Christ.

Look, we’ve done this twice before, and had no problem. The only reason anyone even knows that an off duty cop and a retired Army captain kidnapped a bunch of pre-teens is because that one stupid bitch is pissed we held her little girl at real gunpoint with a bag over her head. What is the power of one indignant twat against Jesus in this country? No sweat, give it a week, and this issue will be goner than a barren woman’s husband.

“They pulled my chair out from underneath me, and then they told me to get on the ground,” she told the station. “I had my hands behind my back. They said, ‘Just do as I say, and you won’t be hurt… They heard me crying,” the girl said. “Why not right then and there tell us it was a joke, when you see me crying?”

That… might be damaging. We should have cut her tongue out when she started crying. Ah, but then we’d have to go all Titus Andronicus on her because her stupid parents taught her how to read and write, and that damned AIM taught them all to type semi-legibly. Why must it always be an uphill battle? Pastor, we’re going to need you to sling some more spin.

The pastor, John Lanza, said Friday there have been emails of support from other students at the church… “If anyone was ever uncomfortable, they would be removed” from the exercise, Lanza said, though part of the idea was to shock the students with the experience.

Perfect! This guy is so money when he’s had a couple whiskey sours.

Everything was perfectly safe! If this little girl was uncomfortable, all she had to do was express discomfort. What, crying counts? These fucking thirteen year-old girls cry at the drop of a hat. We see it all the time. “Wah wah, my boyfriend kissed Jessica Constantino! Sob sob, I have my period and I haven’t gotten used to having cramps yet! Boo hoo, the popular girls yank on my premature pubic hair in the locker room whenever I bend over!” It’s a natural state of being for these broads.

Boo hoo! I'm tied up in a strange, bare basement by ex cops!

The truth is, this has nothing to do with training pre-teens for missionary work. You know that, and I know that. I don’t believe they bought it, though, right? Outside of the few publicized cases, this kind of violence is usually directed within local communities overseas. And anyway, it doesn’t even make sense to subject kids to this kind of preparation; they won’t even be eligible to go out and witness abroad for another five or six years. We could just do this when they become adults. But really, where’s the fun in that?

If we really wanted to train these kids for missionary work, we would be constantly slamming doors in their faces. Big doors, green doors, wooden doors, doggie doors. Because that’s what they’re going to be getting most often as a missionary. No, this is about, pure, unadulterated, God-given sadism.

Listen, it was a wicked blast when we gave graphic, x-rated descriptions of Hell and Revelation, and they pissed their pants, and ate their vegetables for Jesus. We all high-fived when we got permission slips signed by parents to let us beat their kids in schools in the south. It was fun when we upped the ante and designed elaborate haunted tours and plays called Hell Houses to give the kids nightmares, and psychologically suppress any kind of personhood they might think to express when they hit puberty. Oh! Oh! And when we got people around the world to send us millions of dollars so that Mother Teresa could flick her bean watching poor kids die of AIDS? Classic!

But that shit is getting staler than Karen Santorum’s twat. Kids these days are even getting used to being raped, like the veteran prison nerd whose calamari resembles Mike Tyson’s Flesh Light, and whose jumpsuit has been tailored into a too-short orange cheerleader skirt. Like any hobby, gleefully terrifying and torturing little kids requires a steep grade of challenge, and therefore overall fulfillment.

I will never see one of these vans again without imagining a bunch of terrified little girls tied up on the floorboards in the back. But you go ahead.

We’re not barbarians. The parts of science we do accept tell us about psychology, and nerve location, and how you can use that information to temporarily cripple a six year old girl. There are other ways to torture children than to saw off their clitorises with blunt stones. Ways that the media will portray as, while perhaps a tad extreme, totally un-prosecutable, criminally. Ways with a little finesse, with plots that stink of good old world craftsmanship and a hint of modern Sharper Image ingenuity. You know, like how if you shop at Sharper Image, you’re still drinking the same old wine, but shit, did you just open that bottle with magnets? Speaking of which, for a plethora of ideas on how to torture children using only magnets (no external bruising!), visit somewhere else.

OK, let’s adjourn and hit that press conference. What are we going to say, pastor?

Lanza said he “would love to” apologize to the girl and her mother but feels he can’t until the police investigation is done. He said the church wants to keep doing the program but would make changes. “I would find a way that we could continue to keep the shock value,” he said, “but I would find a way to inform the parents (beforehand).”

Are you sure you’ve never been a politician, sir? It’s genius! Appear willing to take responsibility at some future, nebulous date, and then double down and suggest your own punishment: take some time out of your busy schedule to tone the whole operation down a bit, and get parents’ permission to bless their kids with surprise torture. When you suggest your own penalty, it keeps peoples’ minds off of sending you to federal cum-dumpster prison where you belong. You had a religious reason to do it, nobody is even thinking about arresting you. Man, but we have some great child abuse PR.

Suck it, NAMBLA.

Two ministers and a mayor, smiling maniacally over a big red button that will reduce a major metropolitan block to rubble. That doesn’t seem to fill anyone else with panty-soiling terror, so we’re good.

By the frigging sweet grace of the  Great and Powerful OZ Almighty, and the awesome power of prayer so hard it looks like constipation, The First Baptist Church of Dallas has managed to raise the money it so desperately needed. Times may be lean in America, but the Lord takes care of his own, granting the Church the pants-crappingly huge sum of One Hundred and Fifteen Million (115,000,000) bones. Praise Him! Don’t spend it all in one place, you guys. In fact, we should think of all kinds of ways to spend this money that would best exemplify the Christian God’s compassion, generosity, beneficence – -

A Dallas megachurch is imploding four buildings Saturday morning to make way for a $115 million campus. (Christianpost)

Originally posted in 2010

Exactly! A consecrated, tax-exempt upgrade, something to showcase the oft-ostentatious “glory of God,” as Pastor Robert Jeffress puts it. Those four buildings He provided us were great and all, but their, I dunno… smallness? oldness? Whatever it was really distracted people from worshiping.  And really, did you expect Patricia to kneel down in her smart new pantsuit whilst surrounded by so much dusty, homespun ’90s humdrum? Crisis averted, Lord. Thank you. Tell me more! Will there be seats? Crosses?

Reportedly the largest church expansion program in modern history, the 1.5 million-square-foot campus will include a new 3,000-seat worship center, a six-floor education building, recreation areas, a sky bridge made of glass, a fountain with a water tower topped by a cross and a parking garage.

A homeless shelter, an orphanage, a soup kitchen, a refuge for those hit hardest by the failing economy, a business that would provide the community with jobs – – Oh, none of that? Well, you can’t have everything. $115 million (one hundred and fifteen million dollars) could save a parishioner or two from foreclosure, or buy a couple of meals-on-wheels, but then how would we fund our fancy, see-through bridge? This is a clear issue of what Jesus would do, and the answer is PIMP THE MOTHERFUCKER OUT! It’s a well known fact that, when Christ returns, He will appear at the place that best makes him look Bitches.  The tax-exempt ab machine in the new gym targets the obliques, right? Good, because I did not take a vow of corpulence, tell you what.

Gosh this really takes me back. Back to the days when we really knew how to get our worship on, and built unto Him monuments and richly appointed cathedrals, and were creative enough to justify it. Even while our populations starved, literally and intellectually, with no roofs over their heads and no means of supporting themselves and their families, they damned well had an expensive place to thank Christ for all of their blessings.

Why didn’t we think of literally going Medieval on our many problems before? Back then, we knew that the Son of Man is a fickle savior, and while omniscient and omnipotent, he gets super testy and throws a seraphic tantrum whenever we don’t remind Him of that fact loudly enough. We knew that the only thing better than gettin’ your prayer on is gettin’ jazzed on caffeine first, and thank Christ there’s a Starbucks built into the church (it’s in the Bible you guys: Mark 11:15–19, 11:27–33, Matthew 21:12–17, 21:23–27 and Luke 19:45–48, 20:1–8). We knew that anything is possible with a little curriculum adjustments, like completely removing “The Masque of the Red Death” from all public high school English classes. We knew that the best solution to the world’s problems – the poverty, the civil liberties violations, the filthy, festering, 100% lethal disease – was to pump all resources into a walk-in compensatory erect cock, with a Bronze Age torture device on the top that called the faithful from miles around to praise God and His Glory and the bounty he bestowed upon them. We’ve come a long way since then, but I’m glad we’re finally getting around to fixing that.

Yes. Yes. And your shoes, too...

Where’s the “Are you out of your fucking mind?” button? That’s what I thought when I was directed to the first of many polls wondering if I would turn over my Facebook password to a potential employer, if asked to do so at an interview.

Forgetting for the moment that the average person uses the same three or four passwords for all of their crap online, from JDate to Bank of America, and is therefore vulnerable on multiple fronts when handing out their passwords, there is no conceivable way this is advisable.

Not only not advisable, it is straight up illegal.

The legality of the practice is questionable, and states such as Illinois and Maryland are considering legislation to forbid it. Giving someone your Facebook login information is a violation of the site’s terms of service, and the Department of Justice considers it a federal crime to enter social media sites in violation of terms of service — although recent congressional testimony indicates that such violations would not be prosecuted, AP noted. (HP)

Nope, just illegal. Jeezus, why do we have to have a semantic debate every time a piece of testicle-scrunching news reaches the general public? This isn’t your pathetic little Oprah worshipping book club where you can sit around and wonder whether some fictitious bitch from New Orleans was right to drown herself, leaving her kids orphaned. There are real, actual laws on the books about it. If you hand over your electronic passwords to an employer, you are both breaking the law. Just like if you hand over your little boy to a priest for some good Catholic rapin’, you are both breaking the law.

Just who the hell do these employers think they are? I’ll tell you who. They know the world of the comfortably employed has 12% of the country in a ball vice, and they are the only thing standing between gainful employment and your fucking kid starving to death. They know that, if you keep your head and say, “Go to hell,” the next candidate will be that much more desperate to work a seventy hour week for a $300 check. Might as well tack on, “Oh, and hey, you know you’re going to have to blow me, right?” to the end of the interview. The next candidate always walks out with rug burns.

 Ari Lightman, distinguished service professor, digital media and marketing, and director of the CIO Institute at Carnegie Mellon University, said the practice may be surprising but is in many ways understandable – - (information week thanks Michael Schenck)

- – Aaaaand we don’t need to hear any more from that guy. “Conceivable”? yes. “A nightmare scenario likely to come about because we are all just slightly more evolved predators in business suits”? absolutely. But “understandable”? Breeder, please. The Raiders signing Carson Palmer was an understandable mistake. Making the first Spider-Man movie with Tobey Maguire was an understandable attempt to exploit a cherished character for money. Making the next two was unforgivable. Asking for a person’s prívate information when you enjoy a position of power over them is called extortion. It is understandable like cancelling Arrested Development was understandable. Better break out your firing stick, Carnegie Mellon. One of your professors doesn’t know what understandable means.

Frost & Sullivan’s Wengroff suggests a middle ground: “I would agree to walk a recruiter through my Facebook page that I signed in to, but I would not hand over the password,” he said.

... and you must submit to anal cavity checks every morning at the security gates...

 

See, you are what we call “part of the problem,” Wengroff. Would you give your potential employer a guided tour of your bedroom if he asked you for an hour alone in there? Down to your wife’s panty drawer? Because that’s what we’re talking about here. Everything an employer needs to know about you he can find out by ‘friending’ you. What he wants is your personal correspondence. And the bullshit line he gives about making sure you’re not doing anything illegal is as transparently false as a lie a fat guy tells his bitch wife on a shitty sitcom. He wants to know who you’re fucking, who you’re worshipping, and if you tell dick jokes under an assumed name on a blog. I’ll tell an employer about Scumbag Style if he asks, right down to the fact that one day I hope my shitty writing will pay the bills so I don’t have to sit behind a desk under his asshole thumb. But he can sit on the business end of an electrified rake if he thinks he gets admin access to my Tumblr.

Bottom line is, we don’t have to treat these things delicately. We don’t have to lower our eyes and shuffle our toes in the dirt like a four year old girl in an Easter dress when someone demands we strip ourselves naked for the basic human dignity of employment. We don’t have to treat all opinion equally, because most opinions are wrong. Very many of those wrong opinions come from people who don’t believe them at all, but hide a not-so-hidden agenda behind them. This usually happens when things are illegal. Ask a Republican if he’d let his wife’s vagina miss a doctor’s appointment. Ask Nickelback, under the influence of some truth serum, if they would actually listen to their crap were they in our shoes. And ask these employers and college admission people if you can have their Facebook passwords, and see how they answer. Best case scenario, their sense of fairness overcomes them, and they agree. Then you can post links to gay porn all over his Wall and ask his wife nicely if she’ll let him give her a jelly doughnut.

Besides, everyone knows all the nasty shit happens on christiansingles.com.

I´m Taoist, and I practice Non-action. So hang tight and get better, cutie!

Western Christians refuse to admit it, but the idiot aphorism spouted relentlessly by bumper-sticker retards concerning atheists in foxholes has been thoroughly debunked, and they know it. So they have to come up with something else you can’t do as an atheist – - besides, of course, keep a straight face in church. A friend told me his cousin did it once, but it smacks of the whole “pink sock” story that everyone has a friend who knows somebody to whom it has happened.

Anyway, the meaningless drivel void needed filling, and the new article “No Nurse Is an Atheist” is just the caulk to do it. Author Christina Feist-Heilmeier, RN, a thirty-plus year veteran of nursing (if you’re so smart, how come you never became a doctor, huh?), posits that it is impossible to be an atheist and a nurse at the same time. Kind of like chewing gum and doing your mom from behind. Christina Hyphenation says she has known hundreds of nurses, and not one of them has been an atheist.

Perhaps it is because they’re scared shitless she’d have them killed to maintain her wildly unrealistic philosophy. Perhaps it is because she lives in Utah or Arkansas. Perhaps she’s one of those assholes that hands out fliers and tries to ‘save’ all those who don’t believe as she does, and nobody bothers discussing it with her. Speaking of which, who do you suggest a nurse pray to when she can’t find a vein, or accidentally put turkey gravy in the IV drip? (as if he didn’t smell the pew polish all over this…)

Nurses from any faith do better for themselves and for their patients by actively practicing their faith. The Muslim nurse strives to be a better Muslim. The Hindu nurse strives to be a better Hindu, etc.

Aw. That statement was so ingratiatingly accepting of brown people it could only have come from a Christian. Let me brush my teeth before they fall out, you’re so adorably progressive. “They’ll burn in hell, of course, but at least they are doing God’s work up here before they do.” That is the most loaded ‘etc.’ I have heard since Rush Limbaugh went to KFC and said, “I’ll have a salad, some corn, etc.” That ‘etc.’ means, “… but the Christian nurse has Jesus guiding her hand, so they generally save more lives. But God bless ‘em they try.” Go drink out of a bedpan, nutso.

Not to mention, Jesus is a pretty shitty doctor.

By far, my greatest role model has been Mother Teresa of Calcutta.

There you go. ‘Nuff said. Scumbag Style has covered this topic extensively already, but suffice it to say, Mother Teresa was the definition of a cunt: a sadist of epic proportions, an embezzler of charity money, and a friend of many fascist regimes. Christina the nurse is right when she says, “Her international impact continues across the world, even after her death, through the tremendous work of her Sisters of Charity,” but not in the way she imagines. If you’ve been paying attention at all, you know most of this, so I won’t say any more, except to include a personal aside.

I'm a wiccan nurse, so... you're good to wait on the moon right?

I automatically hate you if you say, “Mother Teresa of Calcutta.” As opposed to the other internationally famous celebrity nun named Teresa? We know, butt munch. The Vatican used all your charity money to pimp her to the world, along with all the stupid lies you seem to have absorbed about her. I promise, there will never be confusion if you abbreviate the name. I don’t know what the deal is here, but whatever reason these people have for tacking on the suffix ‘of Calcutta,’ have to have some ulterior motive. It may just be some chivalric pomposity, or maybe it is a placeholder for her real, unpronounceable, Indian name. Don’t worry, just because you gave her a white name for ease of the white man’s digestion, we know she was just some Mexican or whatever.

Of course, then the question has to be asked: Why disabuse these people of the lie? If you want to make the fictional Mother Teresa – the caring, selfless, nurturing, uber-nurse – your hero, well shit, there’re worse things. Captain Picard is no less a hero of mine because he is fictional – - I want to be just like him. Maybe, in our quest for ultimate truth, we miss the power of the lie. Like letting the Occupy protesters be when they imagined their Guy Fawkes masks stood for revolution and freedom and not the oppressive Catholic monarchy he actually advocated. It’s not like it’s a train we can stop, anyway, the PR is just too good. If it weren’t for all the poor sons and daughters of bitches suffering and dying needlessly in Missionaries of Charity death camps in the name of the Mother Teresa mythos, we could just chalk this up as the least odious product of revisionist history. Man, poor people can be such a pain in the ass.

Unless a nurse has a good system of coping and renewal, the emotional well-being is very much at stake.

She means going to church, by the way, not picking up a hooker on the way home from Yoga. There’s nothing so invigorating and refreshing than cramping up the knees on those dubiously padded wooden things in front of the pew.

The caring can be universal amongst many religions when everyone’s humanity and dignity are the goal.

Gosh, then I’d better get me some religion. You say any one will do? (Well, most, obviously. Everyone knows Unitarians don’t have hearts.) So, I can just choose one, and be a better nurse? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of religion? I mean, you have to believe, as a Christian, that the prayers of the Hindu nurse fall on deaf ears, right? Or does God just rake ‘em all up in one big prayer pile and listen to them all? Couldn’t I just concern myself with everyone’s humanity and dignity without resorting to mythology? My goodness, how do you wrap your mind around it all? All I know is, I love when theists talk about human dignity.

Are you done, lady? Good, because we have some retorts. Going to hang out for this?

Time for your Misogi harai enema! Hee hee

First a statistic. Infobarrel says Sweden is the most atheist country in the world, and Japan as the fifth most. Meanwhile, a Newsweek study finds Sweden to have the 3rd best quality healthcare on the planet (Japan is #1), and the United States (highly religious) to rank 26th, tied with the Czech Republic and friggin’ Chile.  Give the chart a quick looksee. You’ll find the most religious nations stacked like dead cheerleaders at the bottom.

In a predominantly atheist country, I’m going to go ahead and doubt they scoured the countryside for the dissenters to give sponge baths. Since the quality of healthcare in Sweden is considerably higher than yours, I’d put drinking money on their atheist nurses being better than you and Jesus.

There’s an excellent rebuttal, on the same nursing website, by an Air Force Captain who has the thankless job of filling the hole where there are supposedly both no atheists in foxholes or in the nursing profession. It’s wonderful and concise, and you should read it, but his closing remark is priceless:  “We atheists will fill in on Sunday morning if religious believers can at least respect us as fellow nurses.”

I leave you to study his work alone, because I wanted to show you something a little more personal. A very great friend of mine, an atheist and a nurse, had this to say:

I would say that as a nurse and an atheist that I am still able to support my patients’ spiritual health, and I view it as part of their care and recovery because I believe in holistic care. That is to say, I treat a patient’s mind, body, and spirit. It is not for me to judge a person’s belief system although I find mine constantly under scrutiny. I do not feel it is necessary for me to believe in God to understand the concept of faith. I have faith in many things one of them being myself and my abilities to take care of people. I do agree that nurses are subject to burn out and do need an outlet. For some nurses that is their faith. It is not easy to be surrounded everyday by the sick, and it is never easy to lose a patient. So some nurses may find comfort in that by believing those patients are in a better place. I also believe they are in a better place because there is no more illness for them or pain. I am also committed to having healthy outlets for my on the job stress and strain, and while my outlets may not be praying or going to church it does not mean that they are any less effective. I believe that open communication about my feelings, exercise, good nutrition, reading books I love, and being open to asking for help when I need it will keep me sane in this hectic career I have chosen for myself. Above all will be the fact that I love and am so proud to be a nurse.

Watch out, she’s probably lacing the IV with liquefied baby, a la The Matrix, so you have no choice but to be an atheist when you get better.

I am a Christian Scientist nurse. Would you care to engage in innuendo?

A decent, moderate Baptist who teaches at Baylor. Friends have told me that Baylor is no fun. Perhaps they did not hang with this dude.

Normally the Bitch Box is reserved for hate mail, corrections, terrible advice, death threats – the usual front-of-the-magazine fare. But in this special case, more discussion about Scumbag Style happened outside these epithet caked halls by strangers than ever happened within.

Over at Osler’s Razor, the proprietor made a point of linking to SBS, as we had apparently published a response to something he wrote… the wonderful, exhausting, endless blog chain that I happily add a link to with this edition of The Bitch Box. He directed his readers to my response, as he enjoyed my perspective, as well as one of another author. A good, open minded fellow is hard to find in our angry, stilted blogosphere, and I thank him heartily for the recognition, not to mention the traffic.

I wish to Christ I knew exactly what the debate concerned, but by the time I got there, the link to SBS was broken, so I could not find out what was said. It matters not, however, when you read his fans’ responses. Unreasonably interesting, says I.

By The Duchess

I felt like I was suffering for my own sins when reading the Scumbag article. Firstly the drawing of him scared me very badly. He had crazy angry eyes. Remind me never to invite him to tea.Or perhaps I should,to overcome the prejudice I have against crazy,angry eyes. As one who loves to write myself,I have to say,and he would hate this,his style is a combination of the divine and profane. And is original,which I count precious. Odd word. I know you don’t want me to discuss style. The article by and large made me sad. He sees no Love. To focus on the scapegoat metaphor instead of the Man,Jesus Christ,who he was and what he said is an astounding,cruel loss … [Blah Blah paragraph of Jesus suffering for my ungrateful ass]… Scumbag’s reasoning is human being reasoning and so it doesn’t make sense…

Many a woman, be she princess or lady or scullery maid, has fallen prey to those eyes, my dear. But worry not, I come not for your soul, but for your tea. Are we talkin’ the full Brit spread here, with the scones and the butler and your grandmother’s silver? Are you even British? A lot of British people are prejudiced, so it makes sense. Never fear, in time you will overcome your mistrust of perceived criminal psychosis in the outward ocular appearance, and learn to piss your pants over the Arkham inmate within.

By Scott Davis

From the tone of the author of “Scumbug Style”, I should not have guessed that he had read Ludwig Wittgenstein; my mistake though, he has probably also read Levi Struass. As for his anger, there is therapy for that.

Wait, am I being insulted? A lot of tone is lost in text, I can never tell. Did you just realize that dudes who like to tell poo jokes can also be hyper-literate? Or is having read these authors like some horrible proletariat faux-pas against God and the GOP? By being able to reference them so ably, you must have read some Wittgenstein and Strauss… so… I know you are but what am I?

Like Dear Abby, but hate mail is actually encouraged here.

By Lee

Love the cartoon on Scumbag! Says it all.

Thank you, brother. See? Class pay attention. This is called “constructive criticism.”

By Marta

I have to say that I appreciate the different perspective Scumbag Style offers with sarcastic aplomb. But then this opinion comes from someone baptized as a Greek Orthodox whose grandmother was deeply faithful, whose mother was agnostic, father a scientist and ambivalent in matters of faith and exposed to a steady dose of Bolshevik indoctrination up until early adulthood, the effect of all being that I am always open to see valid points from anyone able to articulate them in love, sarcasm or anger.

Now you’re getting the hang of it! Bonus points for the Scrabble word “aplomb.”

The Duchess Returns!

I want you to know, if you look anything like Keira Knightly, I will be happy to take all the shit you can dish out for an evening.

Perhaps it is exactly because I have seen those eyes somewhere before, that they disturb me so. Perhaps in my own mirror.I don’t think mine are angry,but I suppose they have been crazed from time to time. I struggle with being judgmental every day of my life,an inherited gene, along with occasional deep sadness.But at least I struggle. It is because I know what it is to think that you alone are spinning all the balls of the Universe, that I feel some pain in recognition when I see that face. I hope it came out that I think he is a talented writer and that he makes his points well.

I know, your grace. My eyes are haunting, and they insinuate themselves upon the female mind like an urgent whisper, a secret half forgotten, until to stave off madness you must return for another look. You imagine if you just look again, the effect will have been pure psychology, a trick of the monitor’s illumination, and like a portrait that seems to follow you with its painted eyes, you believe a second glace will reassure you of your own girlish timidity. But every time you lose yourself in the intensity of the gaze, and hours flee and are lost before you again recover your senses. But it is not to be, my sweet, for an image is just that: I am sweeter in person, and I often wear glasses.

By Christine

Wow Scumbag style. Unfortunately because I clicked the link and read Maestro Scum’s take I will probably be bombarded with strange ads on FB. C’est la vie….

I like it! “Maestro.” Kind of rolls off the tongue. “Maestro Scum! Conducting the orchestra of social media viral obscenity!” Yes. Yes. First you’re reading about social issues with a hint of phallic self-righteousness, next you try to poke somebody on Facebook and are quickly assaulted with the dregs of guerilla marketing. Bellissimo! (See? I can speak Spanish, too.)

Oh yeah. Our kind uses Microsoft Paint.

The discussion degenerates into swapping Dietrich Bonhoeffer quotes like bubblegum cards, and since that has nothing to do with me, it is not interesting. I have never felt so appreciated whilst under heavy semantic fire. Thanks for the entertainment, you crazy bastards. I sincerely hope I have read you all correctly, and you can indeed weather the fraternal ribbing. Really, thanks for the compliments, and realize that for lesser beings, I would never have considered including this disclaimer at all.

[EDIT: Upon further investigation, mine was an article entitled "Worse Than The OJ Verdict" which is now lost to the ether. I remember it concerned a mock capital punishment trial of Jesus, conducted by Osler and friends, wondering whether a modern jury would convict if the penalty was death. My argument, if I remember correctly, was that the trial was pretty much a waste of time, because without the scapegoating, slaying, and resurrection of Jesus, Christianity is nothing. Its very mythos hangs on the events of what we now call Holy Week, so not convicting Jesus would kill the religion.]

For the sake of our nation’s unplanted waves of fertile uteri, responsible, concerned, white, male Congressmen decided last week to selflessly put aside the debt and unemployment issues they really wanted to be talking about, and focus on what really matters: baby makin’. The problem? We are not doing enough of it, and all these rubber gadgets and magic pills are not helping. Did you know condoms are sometimes made out of the skin of sheep? What’s next? Kitten intestine lampshades? I smell an unmissable opportunity for a Hitler comparison. Let’s watch:

Sandra Fluke, a student at Georgetown Law School, was supposed to be the Democratic witness at a Congressional hearing about the Obama administration’s contraception policy. However, Darrell “Sweet Mel” Issa, the committee chair at the hearing, prevented her from speaking, while only allowing a series of men to testify about the policy. (Huffpost, more or less)

Hunny, the men are talking. Steak and BJ Day (ladies) is right around the corner. Maybe you should be loosening your jaw, or practicing char vs. warm pinkness ratio (sweet, that actually works both ways). You can throw the practice steaks to homeless people if you want, hippie. We got you that nice sheer dressing gown for V-day. You liked that right? What the hell do women of child-bearing age even know about contraception anyway? God gave us male politicians so you don’t have to hurt yourself with thinking.

Your turn, Rushizzle. Tell the bitch.

“What does it say about the college co-ed Susan Fluke [sic] who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex — what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex.” – Rush Limbaugh

Snnnnnap. Put that one in the Quotables book next to “Four Score and a Hundred Bimbos Ago.” Look, Rush wouldn’t be doing his job if he didn’t feed his brand of put-Howard-Stern-to-shame shock trutherificness. Still, a bunch of oversensitive liberal snatches had to take the bait and get all butt-hurt about some bitch they never even met.

Limbaugh then said, “ok, so she’s not a slut. She’s round-heeled.”

Oh, a Roundheel, eh? Cool it, daddy-o! You paper shaker from squaresville. Supposin´ I was to call you a cube. Now I´m all frosted. I have a mind to give you a bunch of fives!

Well, maybe he’s not a fat piece of shit. He’s feculently rotund.

I’m just joshin’ ya, Rush. Just because you’re a significantly out of touch old dude who’s made it with a bunch of bitches yourself doesn’t disinclude you from calling women who might  want to be safe having passion partners ‘sluts’ in a charming Cunningham manner. Beatnicks, too, amirite? You should be grateful he bothered to lift his commandingly journalistic walrus jowls from the pancake batter bowl long enough to amend the statement from the modernly offensive. That was a gift.

Despite Rush’s right – - dare I say it, his duty – - to voice the contents of his superior mind, I have to say he was perfectly right to be so charitable and amend his statement. College girls are at University to put out, so the young men can destress and focus as much as possible on their important studies. Cake making classes are there to give them something constructive to do while the latter occurs. So you can’t really call her a slut for not wanting to have a litter of bastard pups before she is married off.

Ms. Khadijah Baseer was arrested in Los Angeles in January on suspicion of prostitution. According to several men, Baseer had opened their car doors in the drive-thru lane at a McDonald’s, offering them oral sex in exchange for Chicken McNuggets. (News of the Weird)

“]

Do you even have the time for all that? Whatever happened to good old American FAST food?

Now that’s a slut. Paying attention, Limbaugh? Ain’t no babies coming out of blowies for McNuggets, just goopy fake-chicken diarrhea. I bet she’s not even intending to procreate. Well not properly anyway: you’ll notice the “Ms” prefix on Khath – - Kadjoak – - on her name.

That’s why I’m introducing the “Nuggets for Sluts Outreach Initiative.” Give the misguided young lady a McNugget, fella. There’s always that extra deformed one that decency and the hellish screams of your tortured stomach won’t allow you to finish anyway! If you’re feeling generous, dip into Wendy’s. It won’t cost you much, and they claim to use the pollo genuine article.

Don’t get me wrong, a hummer from a black chick is totally worth a box of McNuggets: they got them long snake tongues God gave ‘em for fornicating on the Ark. A curse and a blessing; the Lord works in mysterious ways. But is it worth the risk of breaking the law at the drive thru? Leave the greasy carboard remains of your dinner on the dresser like a decent whoremonger. Gosh.

“If I wanted the government in my womb,” the sign said in painted blue letters, “I’d fuck a Senator.” At the risk of offending some of her mostly male Republican colleagues, who recently voted to pass a controversial fetal personhood bill, Oklahoma Sen. Judy McIntyre (D), grabbed the sign and posed with it for photos. (Huffpost)

Just another slut who wants to get pounded hourly and dispose of the inconvenient, god-given consequence

I bet you would, Judy. I bet you would. Folks, I am providing you with the good Senator’s mailing address, because this is a woman in desperate need of nugget charity.

Senator Judy Eason McIntyre
2300 N. Lincoln Blvd., Rm. 429
Oklahoma City, OK 73105

At the very least, it will give her mouth something to do while the good ole boys decide how our mothers, sisters, and daughter may legally use their bodies.

Doing the Lord´s work

Zombie Jesus has claimed another soul, and never is it so hard as when that soul belongs to a young, blond, white woman from America. Kylie Bisutti (pictured, duh) was doing some wonderful missionary work for Victoria’s Secret in malls and catalogues around the world when the worst happened. She found religion.

She had always had religion, but it had apparently been lost in the couch cushions for some time. It was like when a cheerleader loses her car keys. She’ll spend a month looking for them, but don’t be fooled by the act: most of the time she can’t remember what it was she was looking for. It was only more than eight years into being super hot for money that Kylie noticed some of her work didn’t square with what the curmudgeonly old impotents that run her specific brand of Christianity told her Jesus wants.  So she had to make a choice between religion and happiness. As is so often the case, the tragic choice was made.

Bisutti, who began her modeling career at age 14, said she isn’t giving up modeling. She said she is just being more careful about what kinds of jobs she takes. (ABC)

Careful? That’s the terminology we’re going with? So, up until this point you’ve just been stumbling into jobs and out of clothes like a drunken, be-helmeted retard? “Oops, I wandered onto the catwalk of a multi-million dollar international fashion show in my underwear and high heels again.” She just has to be less clumsy, is all. Her life since she was 14 has been one long dream-I-just-had, only she was paid rather handsomely. Show a little more vigilance, and you can entirely avoid falling into corsets, getting your makeup done, and posing for photo shoots.

Kylie Bisutti got her shot in 2009 when she beat out 10,000 women and won the Victoria’s Secret model search to become the newest Angel.

If I was making up a religion, and I was at the morality part, I would throw in a bit about dashing the hopes of ten thousand young women and then not having the grace and gratitude to not get fucking naked for the country. That’s just me. Because it isn’t like the runner up is getting a call tomorrow. Everybody knows she’s been cankles deep in Nestle Dibs since that fateful day in 2009. There’s just this ugly little redaction in the Victoria’s Secret slut roster until someone else wins the big contest; even then, we’ll always be one behind. We’ll never catch up, and there will always be a glaring, distracting deficiency in the experience that may even hinder preteens from reaching completion. God, when will the religious nuts learn to consider who they are hurting?!

Pictured: A lovely young lady wearing more than anyone wears at your average beach. Whore.

So she decided to hang up her wings. She said her body is for her husband alone, and that she doesn’t want to teach young girls that it’s OK to show so much skin in public.

Instead, she taught them that, like smoking, it will probably be alright up until a certain age, and you can usually get off pretty clean in the end. This horse is well out of the stable, honey. We have this internet thing, and you’ve appeared in catalogues and shows… oh, just all manner of nakey-bations. We will never not be able to see the very worst of it, and neither will your impressionable girls. Damage done. You’ve personally created hundreds of future unscrupulous monsters with an insatiable urge to give up the goods. You should never have played god.

By the way, what happened in America that every bink with a contract thinks she’s immediately a role model to 11 year old girls? Can someone show me the temporal ground zero of when the entire country thought Christina Aguilera had any responsibility other than to make mediocre music and smell funky? Or that Katy Perry had some kind of duty to lie to your kid that girls kissing girls only happens in songs, and in real life it makes angels cry? Yeah, from their heavenly dongs. Where is the inception, here? They’re your fucking kids! Take them to age appropriate shit like the zoo, and use the internet blocker, or beat them. Whatever. We don’t care, because we made the conscious decision to not litter the Earth with impossibly fragile genetic replicas. All you’re doing is robbing us of our allotted lifetime’s worth of happiness, and I doubt Jesus would have dug that. Especially since, anyway, you’re just wrong! My mother tried for years to keep me from listening to Marilyn Manson. It didn’t work, but all I got out of the experience was that I have a healthy respect for the man’s act, and I never once wanted to fit myself with fake tits. Your parental paranoia has the potential to seriously fuck up your kids, and more importantly, it is harshing my mellow.

SOOO anyway, Kylie, you’re out of the 13 yr old masturbatory fodder

She´s wearing boy´s underwear! Cute? Yes, but revealing?

game. I guess this means you’ll be giving back all the money VS paid you over the course of your short career, it being dirty, tainted, immoral money. No? How’s your Christian morality squaring that one? Is it doing that thing where it is conveniently ambiguous about some things like the acquisition of wealth, and unreasonably specific about other things? Things like what you can do in front of a camera, technology that wouldn’t be invented for 1,900 years after the dogma was set down?

Let me ask you something, you know, before you totally drop something you’ve been working for since you were 14, something you’ve been winning contests at, at what is frankly the apex of your career: Is your husband having any trouble spending the dough you’ve brought home thus far? That convertible you bought him for Christmas still gleaming in the driveway? Here’s one: Can you make me a quick equation showing what your husband does for work, how much he brings down, versus how many Xbox games he owns? Haha,just kidding. We here at Scumbag Style have some empathy. We would never ask you to have tits like that and a brain. That kind of stuff only happens in movies like Legally Blonde, and in real life makes men unhappy.

By Ms Lori

Hey there. My name is Lori, and I am here to take you to school. Yes, darling, I know you don’t want to go to school. There is just such a glut of elitist intellectual smarty-pants propaganda floating around this country, that we could all use a little less school and a little more common Bible sense. And not only that, book-learnin’ is so hard. So I thought that, as your teacher, maybe I could pop a few blouse buttons, put my finger in my mouth, and make you hard for education.

Recent History 101

(If you know the story, you may skip this section, but I will be talking about my vagina, and it will be on the test. My vag, I mean. I dip it in red ink and leave a nice little lip hug for all my A students.)*

I’d like to introduce you to Jessica Ahlquist. A lot of you may know her from the death threats you sent her and her family. Some of you may even remember promising to rape her, mostly from the safe, cowardly anonymity of the internet. Some of you have done it in person, in public, and for that I applaud you. For those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is female, like I totally am, and she is a sixteen year old high school student from Rhode Island. And she is an atheist, so her opinion doesn’t count.

Still, Jessica is the newest champion of constitutional civil rights in the US, and many regard her as a hero. Just the excitement of her young age and her superior reasoning skills make my nips all hard. Go ahead, feel your screen. Can you feel that? I’m working on two semi-symmetrical avocado pits here.

There are some that suggest this is not a specifically Christian prayer.

Nine months ago:  As a non-believer in all fairy tales, no matter their tenacity or popularity, Jessica was particularly perturbed by a banner hanging in her public high school’s auditorium or gymnasium or whatever. The banner was very clearly a Christian prayer, albeit one with a surprisingly well-thought-out list for Santa Jesus. As a person, she felt excluded, and a little frightened. The institution responsible for her mental and social development during some very formative years not only espoused ideals a five year old child could see was bullshit, but also considered her a second class citizen. This is all not to mention that her peers are not exactly of an age where being different got you a good seat at the lunch table. When I brought my first menstrual painting in for fifth grade show and tell, I shouldn’t have been surprised when the kids took me out back at recess and pelted me with used tampons, right?

But as a citizen, Jessica knew that laws we being broken, laws in place specifically to protect people like her, and took it upon herself to see them fixed. She politely asked her school to take the offending tapestry down, in accordance with local and federal law. When they declined and told her to shut up, she sued their fat, pious asses.

The case caused a bit of a row in her Rhode Island community, one that FOX News couldn’t help but assist in rippling across the country. Dissenting opinion came in the form of angry letters, threats from fellow students and their parents, and a strongly worded letter from God on a tortilla. Still everyone basically believed she was a kind of upstart heathen on her period, and she would never win her case.

Last week:  Boy were their faces red when the judge unequivocally ruled in favor of Jessica Ahlquist, and ordered the school to burn the prayer banner as part of a wholesome Satanic ritual. By red, I mean the kind of red an old-school shit-faced Irishman’s face gets when you tell him you anally raped his sister, and she loved it. The kind of red my pussy gets when I do 7 tabs of ecstasy and am left to my own devices for a whole day. They were pissed, and rubbed the wrong way is what I mean.

Primate Behavior 201

There hasn’t been so much feces thrown since I went to the monkey habitat at the zoo and took their gestures as a personal challenge. I mean, this shit got bad. They weren’t angry at the judge for handing down the objectively, unarguably correct ruling, nor the lawyers who clearly let him know he’d be the laughing stock of the judicial gym locker room if he came back with any other verdict. They were mad at the little girl that outsmarted them.

Locally, Jessica and her family do not feel safe going to the supermarket. She’s been called evil, told she’s going to hell, that she’d be injured, raped, even killed. By followers of Christ. Her peers, marinated as they have been in their folks’ backward ass, witch-hunty philosophy as if it were their own, jeered, mocked, and threatened her, holding the same torches and pitchforks the adults carried. It got to the point this week where Jessica had to make a public plea that all the haters’ beef was with her, and could they please leave her sister alone. I don’t even have a joke for that. That’s fucking disgusting.

In the anonymous halls of the internet, people hiding behind avatars and screen names behaved with their expected grace and tact. Here’s a sampling:

“Let’s all jump that girl who did the banner #fuckthatho”
“I want to punch the girl in the face that made west take down the school prayer… #Honestly”

“hail Mary full of grace @jessicaahlquist is gonna get punched in the face”
“Fuck Jessica alquist I’ll drop anchor on her face”
“lol I wanna stick that bitch lol”
“We can make so many jokes about this dumb bitch, but who cares #thatbitchisgointohell and Satan is gonna rape her.”
“Brb ima go drown that atheist in holy water”
“”But for real somebody should jump this girl” lmao let’s do it!”
“shes not human shes garbage”
“wen the atheist dies, they believe they will become a tree, so we shld chop her down, turn her into paper then PRINT THE BIBLE ON HER.”
“May that little, evil athiest teenage girl and that judge BURN IN HELL!”
“definetly laying it down on this athiest tommorow anyone else?”
“yeah, well i want the immediate removal of all atheists from the school, how about that?”
“If this banner comes down, hell i hope the school burns down with it!”
“U little brainless idiot, hope u will be punished, you have not win sh..t! Stupid little brainless skunk!”
“Nothing bad better happen tomorrow #justsaying #fridaythe13th”
“How does it feel to be the most hated person in RI right now? Your a puke and a disgrace to the human race.”
“I hope there’s lots of banners in hell when your rotting in there you atheist fuck #TeamJesus”
“literally that bitch is insane. and the best part is she already transferred schools because shes knows someone will jump her #ahaha”
“gods going to fuck your ass with that banner you scumbag”
“I found it, what a little bitch lol I wanna snuff her”
“if I wasn’t 18 and wouldn’t go to jail I’d beat the shit out of her idk how she got away with not getting beat up yet”
“nail her to a cross”
“When I take over the world I’m going to do a holocaust to all the atheists” (Alternet)

Oh, hi. I´m Jessica. I´M SIXTEEN!

Mother fucker! I cannot say this enough, this girl is sixteen. The fact that these people have the intellect of a two year old doesn’t excuse them from basic decency and, I don’t know, not gloating about the Satan raping she’s got coming to her.  I mean, I wouldn’t mind, because that sounds like fun to me. Muscles all red and ripply, cock veins purple and hot as thousand suns, probably Hitler and Mother Teresa there to watch. But of course these people think it would be a bad thing, so screw them.

The public forum hasn’t been overly sexy for Jessica either. Outside of various circus clown pundits, her state senator suggested she was the puppet of the ACLU and that she shouldn´t be using money with “In God We Trust On It.” But Beth Moura is just an idiot. Her own representative Peter Palumbo called her an “evil little thing” on the radio. SHE’S SIXTEEN.** Forgetting the fact that this guy took an oath to uphold the Constitution and knows damned well Jessica is entirely, 100% in the right, he’s a grown man! I get it. I do. Men sometimes need to feel big and important, and statutory importance is easy pickins. He’s a big man, now that he’s broadcast to the world that a sixteen year old girl is evil. He really pulled them pigtails and took the little girl down a peg. She was pretty much asking for it, being all vulnerable and underage like she is. And that shirt! What did we expect, really? One time, when I was a kid, I suggested to my uncle he may have had a couple too many Fosters, and he proceeded to hold me down and make me taste what too many recycled Fosters tasted like in one swallow. I had it coming.

Most recently, a scheduled school board meeting or whatever was held, and while school lunches and parent prom committee are probably pretty pressing this time of year, guess what was discussed, for the entire meeting.  Yop. The immediate repeal of the court decision.  But guess who had the immense, Jolly Green balls to show up and speak.

Fuckin’ A, Jessica Ahlquist! She and a classmate took the mic and calmly, rationally explained to the standing room only crowd of adult animals parents why they were fucktards, and frankly, sore losers. How did the community react? Why, the booed and heckled the shit out of her of course. One more time, all together now, SHE IS SIXTEEN! These are adults who, it has to be said, are responsible for raising their own children (scary, no?), and they were outclassed by a couple of kids with an appropriate reading level. While Jessica cites legal precedent and logic, these grown assed proto-humans carried on like so much poked baboon.  So far all that has been proven is that omniscient, all powerful God needs rural New England bumpkins to stand up for him. (Serious props go to the superintendent for taking the mic and telling them they were acting like children)

Recess

This is really long, and I’m sure reading so much is hurting your tiny brain, so here is a picture of me with less clothes on.

Philosophy 104

A lot of the aforementioned hullaballoo was a result of the mistaken impression so many of us have adopted that in America, majority rules. The majority of the people living in the town or county or whatever are Christian, so they should be allowed to decide if an exclusionary prayer should hang in the auditorium. When I hear this bit of fuck-nuttery, I feel like I just heard a five year old tell a dead baby joke. “Where do you pick this shit up?” you want to yell at their faces, whilst shaking them with a will. “It’s not like we teach you this in school!” In fact, for more than 250 years, we have run the United States of America on the exact opposite precept of “majority rules.” Do you so misunderstand the country you love so much that you’ll kill a queer to keep him from marrying and ruining it, that you don’t even know how Democracy works?

This is why the conservative establishment rails so very hard against schooling of any kind. “Universities are evil!” they shout. “Go ahead and home school your kid so they don’t learn anything that contradicts the Bible, including social skills and monkey humpin’.” It is in their best interests to keep 95% of Americans in a real live medieval serfdom, so you don’t learn how to fucking read your own country’s founding documents. Whenever an American slave was found to have learned how to read and write, they hung his ass. Even we women were not allowed to read at certain times, because men knew it wouldn’t be long before we developed Xerox capabilities and started emailing copies of our vagoos around the office.

Constitution one-oh-fucking-one

If majority did indeed rule, slavery would never have been universally abolished. States would still be allowed to call people property, and do not be so naive to think some would not opt in. The decedents of those slaves would have their own toilets and schools and counters at the malt shops that deign to even let them through the door. When my cunt starts to smell of fish, as all cunts do from time to time, I would not be allowed to get that fixed medically. Elvis Presley records would come with labels warning parents that the content could cause cancer in children under 17. We have fail-safes in place so that the majority of people can’t straight up vote to have all second born Phillipino boys’ nutsacks sealed in tuna cans if the religious establishment suddenly decided to make you believe that is what Jesus wants.

And if you had your dumb fuck wish, and majority did in fact rule, can you at least have some bleeding forethought about it? Today you clamor that, because most of you are Christians, you can shove it in anyone else’s face that lives there. Every day. So that every day, some atheist 16 year old girl has to come to grips with the fact that a public institution she has no choice but to attend thinks of her as a second class citizen. What happens when a shit-ton of Muslims show up because, I don’t know, there’s a huge demand for falafel. Suddenly the Muslims outnumber the Christians, and the prayer banner in the auditorium praises Allah. Are you going to sit back and say, “Well shit, there’s more of them than us”? Or are you going to have kittens and yell NINE ELEVEN until the Muslims are drug out into the streets and shot just to shut your shrill ass up?

Phys-Ed

It’s a matter of rationality fellas, and I know you’re allergic to that word, but it wasn’t prayer that built the Chrysler building. It took deductive reasoning skills, and math and science, and yes, a fucking liberal arts degree in engineering. This prayer hubbub is the exact same sans-reasoning as this recent bit of cock-knockery in which extremist group Focus on the Family took the opportunity, during Tim Tebow’s last game as Jesus’ butt boy, to air an incredibly expensive advertisement that showed a bunch of good white Christian kids talking about John 3:16.

Now, putting aside the fact that no one called CPS on their asses, a commercial during that game reached 34.2 million Americans in their living rooms (a playoff record). The NFL is a family event nowadays, as evidenced by the shitty half-time shows we’ve had to endure these past decades (you think your average male NFL fan gives a crispy Christ about Britney Spears?). But when recently a few atheist billboards showed up over the highways of relatively rural butt-fuck Ohio (for example), which could only have conceivably reached 350,000 adult, licensed, supposedly reasonable Ohioans, being generous, the whole blessed country took a collective pants-dook over the in-your-face indoctrination, and they were removed.

It’s only fair that, if you should have to change for gym class, I should too.

If those kids were quoting the Qur’an as an aside to Tom Brady’s triumphant reckoning, Christians across the nation would be hootin’ and a hollerin’ about those poor kids having to parrot some silly sandy-ass superstition. If my religion said I had to jam out with my clam out at state fairs every summer, they’d call it a cult, and worse, feminism, and they’d shoot it down in a second. Literally the only conclusion that can be reached is that you believe Christians reckon higher amongst the American caste, and in every conceivable sense, that is the antithesis of American. It isn’t democratic, it isn{t legal, it isn’t fair, and it damned sure isn’t right. “Freedom of religion” does not mean that you’re welcome to choose something other than what the majority of Americans are if you’re willing to have your rights stripped away.

In other words, it is unconstifuckingtutional.

*”Lip hug” being a term coined by the lovely Danielle Hurley as a female alternative to the tea bag, so if you tell her I stole it, I will kill you in your sleep.

** Here is his phone number and email address. Let him know what a piece of shit he is.rep-palumbo@rilin.state.ri.us    (401) 785-2882

Jessica Ahlquist is indeed a hero, with speaking engagements across the bible belt and beyond, and at this year’s planned Reason Rally, pretty much opening for Tim Minchin. Hott. Concerned citizens have started a scholarship fund to help her through college, and I hope you’ll consider supporting her.