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Tag Archives: children
Hate Never Felt So Good
(Keep in mind, I abegan writing this article before the outrageously amazing game on Sunday in which the Patriots schooled Tim Tebow and Christ Hisself. The shitty part is, Tebow actually showed up to play this week, like he hasn´t since I´ve been paying attention. The article still holds true, but feel free to add a heavy undertone of smug, poor-winnerishness to the voice you have in your head while reading this. Or get Chris Daughtry to read it aloud to you in bed. He must be out of work by now.) When Peyton Manning died, or was raped insensate by mutant squirrels, or whatever happened to him so that he couldn´t play anymore, I admit I felt a little lost. I wasn´t sure my NFL experience would be as full, as magical, as fulfilling as it was when I had a clearly defined antagonist. Someone to hate passionately, almost for no good reason except that it was fun to watch him fail. And he usually delivered. Manning was as key to my enjoyment of football as the Patriots ever were. Careful what you wish for, as your mom said before she bit my dick. Peyton is gone, and the void he left nigh unfillable – – What´s that? The NFL has a special gift just for me? On Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning´s douche-pants actually look a little tight. Tim Tebow who plays like shit for three and half quarters, then happily divvies up the credit for a squeak-by win between himself and his fucking god. I mean, this guy is a real piece of canine fecal matter. While he´s luxuriating on his knees on the side-lines, his team is busy cleaning up his mess and pulling out another against-the-odds win. He´d contribute more in that position as a team … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Didn’t See It Reviews: “Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas Special”
This Thanksgiving was to see the airing of the newest installment of Pliocene-Quarternary glacial period family entertainment, this time a holiday extravaganza titled, “Ice Age: The Quest to Sell Toys Again This Year.” Because nothing warms the yuletide diapers of kids from one to ninety-two like natural global disaster and the constant sub-conscious threat of species-wide extinction that backdrops everything Ray Romano touches. For all I know, that shit aired, but I don’t know, for two reasons. One: because I have recently relocated to a country in which literally all cartoons are translated into Spanish. Two: Because, fuck Ice Age, that’s por que. The core of the first movie seemed to be the unlikely fellowship of Ice Age era creatures, sporting the voices of comedians of varying talent that are living in an era directly preceding the next Ice Age. And like the meeting of these comedians, the characters (a mammoth, a saber-toothed tiger, an ugly rat thing, and something else I think) come together for basically the same reason: nothing better to do until they die. Good message for kids, I’m down. Then somewhere in this blandly amusing pile of family tripe, something went horribly wrong. Before we discuss this, yes, I am aware that it’s a fucking cartoon, and I need to not overthink it. I am also aware that the films make a feeble attempt to cover their asses on the issue. But I invite you to think of the kids when you realize that, no matter what contrived justification the writers of this franchise use, the second movie involved saving an Eskimo baby (or something), and then the third installment had something to do with dinosaurs. All the while, you must be this tall to ride the illumination train. Ice Age, do us a favor and … Finish reading this sumbitch!