I am a fucking miracle MACHINE

This here´s the Jesus Toaster, which we think is… just great. For the pittance of 35 smackers, you too can experience the miracle of His Divine Presence in foodstuffs normally reserved for the unwashed ignorants of Central and South America´s poorer countries. Every morning! Because in no way does the ability to recreate, at will, what used to be priceless manifestations of God´s love cheapen the experience. For you bulemics, the Tim Tebow version is set to be released soon, so you won´t even have to shove a finger down your throat to stay thin and toothless all year ´round. (Christian Post)

Tenesseehas responded to teen bullying suicides by introducing a bill that would make it alright for

Gosh, thanks you guys. I´m the son of God and I need thugs beating on the girly boys for me. That makes me look great.

school children to harass homosexuals, as long as they do it for Jesus. Kind of like a birthday present for the guy who literally has everything. The idea is that not being able to call a homosexual peer a faggot in school, or tell him he´s going to hell, is an infringement on the Christian student´s first amendment rights. This is another thing Scumbag Style can throw our whole weights behind. Cast those first stones, friends, because, on religious grounds, I think you´re a hopeless pile of elephant dooks whose ignorance is poisoning the very gene pool we all have to swim in, and if you were forcefully sterilized, the Earth itself would benefit, not to mention my invisible best friend who hates you inherently. Also, you have cooties. And I will say this in front of everyone you have to spend 12 miserable years of your life with. Then we´ll see who´s shooting up with his mom´s Windex and writing a wimpy tear-stained letter. (SMV Nashville)

After last night´s frankly stunning performance by Denver franchiser and enemy of all things wholesome Tim Tebow, in which he actually did quarterbacky things, I got the following message in the Bitch Box: “Atheist, how does it feel knowing Tim Tebow won 29-23 in overtime? Does it make you realize how dumb you are? – Voted4BushTWICE” I have to say, you got me, friend. Tebow prayed a bit, and won a game. You voted for Bush twice, and I am indeed the dumb one. I mean, you could make the point that Tebow is bound to win once in a while. God aside, would Denver have made him their franchise quarterback if he wasn´t going to win a few? Do you know how many millions of dollars rest on the successes and failures of an NFL franchise? Trust me, people talk a good game about God, but ask a millionaire how many times he left his finances in the hands of prayer. Also, did the Broncos win in overtime, or did Tebow walk out there alone? Still, I guess it is not so ridiculous to think God had something to do with a moderately talented quarterback having a few lucky throws.

Like Dear Abby, but hate mail is actually encouraged here.

But Voted4BushTWICE (congrats for making it past age 22 with your handicap), I must then ask you, is that how God wins? In overtime? Barely squeaking by against an objectively immoral rapist quarterback with a wrenched ankle? Whilst ignoring hunger, famine, disease, and suffering around the world? How great is your God that he had to put all of his effort into winning one playoff game, against a team that frankly didn´t bring their A-game? Question answered. I do hope you are willing to answer my question concerning your feelings next week when my Pats kick the living shit out of Denver for the second time this year. Tom Brady is greater than God.

The inerrant, unquestionable, and perfect word of God has been “clarified” in the 2011 edition of the NIV (New International Version of the Bible, which isn´t really all that international, being written by and for your average southern American darky hater). It seems the 1984 version wasn´t nearly clear enough on just what an abomination you can make of yourself in the sack. Douglas J Moo (tee hee), who chairs the committee that dares fuck with the Big Guy´s original edicts, said it was necessary to mess with many of the big ones, including Corinthians, Romans, and Leviticus. It was necessary because it apparently isn´t clear that the “homosexual sins” and “perversions” referred to by Bronze Age egg heads means “dudes doing each other in the butt.” For it is icky unto His sight.

The updated NIV reflects the fact that the key Greek word here refers to males.

It is of amazing comfort to this observer that, no matter how the hate mill turns in our great society, we can all agree that two chicks getting it on is pleasing on a natural and supernatural level. Make with the gamahuche ladies, you just got your deific endorsement. (Christian Post)

Above, irrefutable evidence that people actually watch Tyler Perry.

People don’t watch Tyler Perry’s brand of chocolate milk-and-water bunkum, you say. Studios just keep producing his “films” and television programs because Perry keeps laying out scripts, they’re cheap to make, and nobody watches TBS before 11PM (or after 12, unless they want Lopez to not-funny them to sleep). They produce them because there’s this vague idea that’s captured our cultural subconscious that it is somehow racist not to, you say. At least its not “One On One” or “Homeboys In Outerspace,” or whatever that hysterically racist program was called. Black people don’t go into space, dude, for the same reason they don’t jump out of planes. They’re too smart to do that shit. You ever see a black family on a roller coaster? They’re freaking the fuck out because they are far more aware of their mortality than peroxide-haired thrill seekers.

Anyway, you’d be wrong. About people not watching Tyler Perry. Black people actually eat that shit up, like its made entirely of deep womb orgasms and Maury Povich baby daddy reveals. As Samuel Chapman, third of his aristocratic name, attempts to point out above, this is without question entertainment not made for my pale ass. Black people feel a need to support things made just for them, and I get that. It’s why they unflappably support Obama, no matter how he personally screws the city they are living in, and puts their individual jobs in danger. On the surface, it is a solidarity thing.

On the other hand, I do speak English, and I do follow the more interesting aspects of black culture, and I am definitely positive Tyler Perry is not funny. Most of it is retreads of relationship bullshit that was covered in mainstream, non-race biased media thirty years ago, and wasn’t even really comedically relevant then. Look at the title of one of Perry’s more successful franchises: Why Did I Get Married? Yes, you’ve identified the underlying conflict of 4,859 films since they invented talkies. What makes me want to watch your “unhappily married until I learn a lesson” movie over any other? That’s rhetorical, you and I both know there’s no reason. The sequel was called Why Did I Get Married, Too. ‘Nuff said.

Mrs. Doubtfire is absolutely the last time a grown man was able to dress as an old woman and get a single laugh from the discerning connoisseur of drollery; not because Robin Williams is white (though his being funnier than Martin Lawrence and Perry didn’t hurt), but because its done! It’s over. Frankly, you don’t get to do drag after Monty Python and Kids In The Hall and Whitest Kids U Know (I swear that’s a coincidence) unless it is a kids’ movie, because you will undoubtedly fail. I’ll bet you real money Tyler Perry knew that before he put on the rubber tits. Which brings me to my point…

But is it really a solidarity thing? Or are black people being sold repackaged separate-but-equal. I mean, we’ve objectively proven Tyler Perry isn’t funny (as if we had to). And it is not like Black Culture is hurting for representation in the mainstream. Hip-Hop is (deservedly) the most popular genre of music in the Western World. I don’t know a single person that isn’t looking forward to Bad Boys III. Hell, black people have Republicans. Republicans! Racism ain’t dead, we all need to realize that, but we’ve also seen black people can give it (and here and here*) as well as they get it. And keeping that in mind, is there need to show solidarity with, or spend all your money on, something distinctly of “your” race to the exclusion of objectively better media? Tyler Perry is the way to fight racism like the Easy Deep Fry Oven is the holiday gift sensation to stop childhood obesity.

What it really is, friends, is a way to make money off of something we as an integrated group decided was toxic two or three generations ago. Trust me, as tempting as it would be, white folks wouldn’t drink from a different water fountain simply because it was in the shape of the Starship Enterprise or Christopher Guest’s dick or whatever. Even if it promised to spout a microbrew or single malt scotch. Because it’s just wrong.

*For the record, Scumbag Style’s official stance has always been that white people are indeed the problem with the world. We’d just like to not be exterminated, please. Maybe a nice camp, or a tasteful chalet where we might grow things and share them with you.