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Tag Archives: bitch
As Usual, I Blame White People
In doing the “research” for our last article (here), I ran across what I assumed was another drop in the fathomless diarrhea ocean that is public opinion polls run by private citizens on the internet. The “issue” at hand? “Should Sagging Your Pants Be Illegal?”At first, my answer was yes, if only to shut up those self-satisfied schmucks who think they are the only one in the universe who knows the origin of the style. “You know, the trend started in prison where men would advertise their availability for sex.” Shut up! I know! Everybody knows! Even most of the people who wear their pants that way know it.* God, you’re like those people who say, “Let there be light,” every time someone hits a friggin’ light switch. Or like hot chicks on dating sites that will never answer your PMs… Upon further reflection (less than 3 seconds, I have a brain), I realized it was the dumbest proposition since sour cream in vending machines. But for the sake of pretending to care what other people think, I gave the justifications of the 22% (!) of respondents that said that baggy pants should be made illegal (I was pleased to see that nobody that identified as atheist answered ‘yes’) a perusal. Deep007: “Its disgusting ..and therefor INDECENT…lock em up and horsewhip em” POWERSHAKER: “Ohhhh! You mean that thug look? Yep! It should definitely be illegal, because only punks wear their jeans like that if you ask me.” nothingbutthetruth: “That kind of dressing is disgusting! Why don’t they design pants with the butt part cut out them.” Godess of RaNdOmNeSs: “its very awkward!!!! i once saw a guy with his pants LITERALY at his knees…………no joke ………..he had batman boxers?!” Yes, but what size was his dick? If you don’t know … Finish reading this sumbitch!
The Bitch Box, On Tour
Normally the Bitch Box is reserved for hate mail, corrections, terrible advice, death threats – the usual front-of-the-magazine fare. But in this special case, more discussion about Scumbag Style happened outside these epithet caked halls by strangers than ever happened within. Over at Osler’s Razor, the proprietor made a point of linking to SBS, as we had apparently published a response to something he wrote… the wonderful, exhausting, endless blog chain that I happily add a link to with this edition of The Bitch Box. He directed his readers to my response, as he enjoyed my perspective, as well as one of another author. A good, open minded fellow is hard to find in our angry, stilted blogosphere, and I thank him heartily for the recognition, not to mention the traffic. I wish to Christ I knew exactly what the debate concerned, but by the time I got there, the link to SBS was broken, so I could not find out what was said. It matters not, however, when you read his fans’ responses. Unreasonably interesting, says I. By The Duchess I felt like I was suffering for my own sins when reading the Scumbag article. Firstly the drawing of him scared me very badly. He had crazy angry eyes. Remind me never to invite him to tea.Or perhaps I should,to overcome the prejudice I have against crazy,angry eyes. As one who loves to write myself,I have to say,and he would hate this,his style is a combination of the divine and profane. And is original,which I count precious. Odd word. I know you don’t want me to discuss style. The article by and large made me sad. He sees no Love. To focus on the scapegoat metaphor instead of the Man,Jesus Christ,who he was and what he said is an … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Gah! Put It Away (Part 2)
Part one is making its meager existence here. Soundtrack today. Thanks to Bonetti over at Unemployed Geniuses. Celebrity sex tapes can be a great time, especially when they are leaked, and the subjects don’t see it coming. We’re entertained for different reasons. We were so stoked to know that Paris Hilton was as shitty a lay as we knew in our hearts she would be. We tittered sympathetically at Tommy Lee’s massive belly rope and how it fit in the vagina we’d wanted to see for some time. We gasped in mock puritan disgust at what Martin Lawrence did to that tranny hooker – – what? You don’t have that one? Oh, snap, come over tomorrow night. We’ll have Cold Duck and pizza bagels. Ok, now I want you to mentally picture the celebrities you would not want to see in a leaked sex tape. The list is shorter than you think, once you put your mind to the task. Celebrity does strange things to tolerance levels, and morbid curiosity covers everybody else from Tori Spelling up to, say, Jon Lovitz. Now I want you to bump that list down by one. That’s right, Precious just made your maybe list, because life just hacked up what you didn’t want to know was your actual #1. A [recently filmed] sex tape featuring former professional wrestler Hulk Hogan has surfaced, according to TMZ. [Huffpost] Now you can’t stop thinking about it either. Share in my pain! I have never heard of anything more unnecessary in my entire life. The homoerotic spectacle of 1990s WWF footage has been more than plenty for anyone who found him attractive when he wasn’t ninety years old. Any chick who was in her early twenties at the time had a 70% chance of firsthand knowledge, if they … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Victoria´s Victim
Zombie Jesus has claimed another soul, and never is it so hard as when that soul belongs to a young, blond, white woman from America. Kylie Bisutti (pictured, duh) was doing some wonderful missionary work for Victoria’s Secret in malls and catalogues around the world when the worst happened. She found religion. She had always had religion, but it had apparently been lost in the couch cushions for some time. It was like when a cheerleader loses her car keys. She’ll spend a month looking for them, but don’t be fooled by the act: most of the time she can’t remember what it was she was looking for. It was only more than eight years into being super hot for money that Kylie noticed some of her work didn’t square with what the curmudgeonly old impotents that run her specific brand of Christianity told her Jesus wants. So she had to make a choice between religion and happiness. As is so often the case, the tragic choice was made. Bisutti, who began her modeling career at age 14, said she isn’t giving up modeling. She said she is just being more careful about what kinds of jobs she takes. (ABC) Careful? That’s the terminology we’re going with? So, up until this point you’ve just been stumbling into jobs and out of clothes like a drunken, be-helmeted retard? “Oops, I wandered onto the catwalk of a multi-million dollar international fashion show in my underwear and high heels again.” She just has to be less clumsy, is all. Her life since she was 14 has been one long dream-I-just-had, only she was paid rather handsomely. Show a little more vigilance, and you can entirely avoid falling into corsets, getting your makeup done, and posing for photo shoots. Kylie Bisutti got her shot … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Afternoon Quickies: You Got Yer Jesus In My Peanut Butter Edition
… peanut butter meaning, of course, politics, football, and bananas. This here´s the Jesus Toaster, which we think is… just great. For the pittance of 35 smackers, you too can experience the miracle of His Divine Presence in foodstuffs normally reserved for the unwashed ignorants of Central and South America´s poorer countries. Every morning! Because in no way does the ability to recreate, at will, what used to be priceless manifestations of God´s love cheapen the experience. For you bulemics, the Tim Tebow version is set to be released soon, so you won´t even have to shove a finger down your throat to stay thin and toothless all year ´round. (Christian Post) Tenesseehas responded to teen bullying suicides by introducing a bill that would make it alright for school children to harass homosexuals, as long as they do it for Jesus. Kind of like a birthday present for the guy who literally has everything. The idea is that not being able to call a homosexual peer a faggot in school, or tell him he´s going to hell, is an infringement on the Christian student´s first amendment rights. This is another thing Scumbag Style can throw our whole weights behind. Cast those first stones, friends, because, on religious grounds, I think you´re a hopeless pile of elephant dooks whose ignorance is poisoning the very gene pool we all have to swim in, and if you were forcefully sterilized, the Earth itself would benefit, not to mention my invisible best friend who hates you inherently. Also, you have cooties. And I will say this in front of everyone you have to spend 12 miserable years of your life with. Then we´ll see who´s shooting up with his mom´s Windex and writing a wimpy tear-stained letter. (SMV Nashville) After last night´s frankly stunning … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Puddin´ Parenting
By Sean ”The Younger, The Better” Torrie Oh Bill Cosby. You have made a whole new type of child abuse possible. Thank you for that. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but I don’t think Enrico Fermi had a cold war in mind when he built that nuclear reactor. Now, I’ll be the first guy to say that I’m not a fan of Michelle Bachmann… No. No, that’s a lie. I’ll be one of many to say it. I’ll also say I think she might be crazy. Not fun-crazy either: “Did you invite her?” “No of course I didn´t, but she found out about the party so I had to say she could come.” crazy. So when I saw this video, in which a representative of the local Gay/Straight alliance gave Bachmann some hell, I said “Hell yea LGBT girls with silly dress code!” In two minutes they present a really solid problem with Bachmann’s philosophy, one that I hadn’t come up with myself. And I’m brilliant. It’s just straight up impressive seeing them get up the balls (take that how ever you want, just don’t get all emo on me) to put that woman on the spot in the middle of people clearly into what she’s got to say. So when I hear there’s a video of an even younger kid putting her in her place I say to myself, “There’s no way this is going to make me think poorly of the opposite opinion.” First: it took me like 10 viewings to get the volume up to a level I could both hear and wasn’t at risk of blowing my speakers. Second: that little boy is so damned uncomfortable saying what he’s been told to say that it took me 10 viewings to get the volume … Finish reading this sumbitch!
No Porn???
A Classic, updated… Nothing is better than a wife that hasn’t grown so crusty, jaded, and complacent in her marriage that she can’t take a few minutes out of her busy schege to do something for her husband. A surprise dinner, a homemade card, a drink and slipper greeting, an asshole bleaching; dudes dig that shit, and it’s nice to remind him he hasn’t bought permanently into the life of ball mangling, future sapping, constant drunkitude Leah Ramini makes marriage out to be. Unfortunately (for the women at least), the more uncreative amongst the fairer sex are often left with constant sore-jaw for lack of any better ideas as to how to show their appreciation. If only there was a way to do that without actually doing anything. Enter Facebook, with a Group that firmly yanks our sacks out of the matrimonial Icy Hot with 31 ideas that allow a wife to indulge her narcissism and natural predilection toward condescension while pretending to do something sweet for her husband. Ladies, they’re all awesome, and they beat the bag out of giving that semi-annual “Relations With the Lights On” coupon he might actually grow the gumption to redeem one of these days. It’s called “31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband,” and it is even more preachy and self-serving (in a good way) than the title suggests. Contained in this set of solipsistic psalms is all the problem externalization and imagined solution outsourcing any pious Christian wife could possibly ask to put off the inevitable messy divorce for one whole month. Here’s one of my favorites: Day 1 – Lord, I pray that my husband will grow spiritually and consider his accountability before You. I pray that he will guard his heart by developing spiritual disciplines – Bible reading and study, … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Hate Never Felt So Good
(Keep in mind, I abegan writing this article before the outrageously amazing game on Sunday in which the Patriots schooled Tim Tebow and Christ Hisself. The shitty part is, Tebow actually showed up to play this week, like he hasn´t since I´ve been paying attention. The article still holds true, but feel free to add a heavy undertone of smug, poor-winnerishness to the voice you have in your head while reading this. Or get Chris Daughtry to read it aloud to you in bed. He must be out of work by now.) When Peyton Manning died, or was raped insensate by mutant squirrels, or whatever happened to him so that he couldn´t play anymore, I admit I felt a little lost. I wasn´t sure my NFL experience would be as full, as magical, as fulfilling as it was when I had a clearly defined antagonist. Someone to hate passionately, almost for no good reason except that it was fun to watch him fail. And he usually delivered. Manning was as key to my enjoyment of football as the Patriots ever were. Careful what you wish for, as your mom said before she bit my dick. Peyton is gone, and the void he left nigh unfillable – – What´s that? The NFL has a special gift just for me? On Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning´s douche-pants actually look a little tight. Tim Tebow who plays like shit for three and half quarters, then happily divvies up the credit for a squeak-by win between himself and his fucking god. I mean, this guy is a real piece of canine fecal matter. While he´s luxuriating on his knees on the side-lines, his team is busy cleaning up his mess and pulling out another against-the-odds win. He´d contribute more in that position as a team … Finish reading this sumbitch!