(”PS: Here’s my email password so you can answer me. MooseBLAMsucka. It’s case sensitive.” It’s not.)

Sometimes collateral damage can be avoidable, like that time last fall when Superman plowed through a V of migrating mallards instead of going around them, so eager was he to get his Lamest Superhero Ever award, and tons of would-be zombies had to go without fake blood on right around HAlloween time because PETA used up the world’s supply hating on him. Poor, poor uncreative costumers! But down in Tennessee lives the ultimate manifestation of collateral damage that didn’t need to be. From the Huffpost:

Ex-Gov. Sarah Palin is scheduled to travel to Knoxville, Tennessee, next month to testify in a case regarding the 2008 hijacking of her Yahoo! email account. Mike Kernell, is charged with “stealing Palin’s identity, improperly accessing her personal e-mail account, allowing at least one other person to access it and trying to wipe from his laptop evidence of his alleged crimes.” According to the case files, Kernell is not charged with hacking into Palin’s account — he instead used publicly available information to find out the security question, which he then answered, allowing him to change the account’s password.

This guy needs to put his inventor’s hat on and bring The Dumb Bitch Countersuit. Will somebody please make this a legal precedent so we can all get on with our finger lickin’, celebrity sex tape watchin’, unapologetic escapist lives? At what point does the criminal and civil justice system yell, “Stop wasting our time, you platitudinous cunt-rocket. You lose this case because you’re borderline super-retard. In fact, I award the defendant all of your money because they will not blow it all on electronic ab jiggling belts and holistic medicines.”

You are the world’s biggest dipshit, Palin. You go out of your way to violently plunge yourself into the double headed dildo of a world of celebrity politician (ask Tiger Woods what fresh hell his life would have been if he’d had Patterson’s job), and then put sensitive shit on a Yahoo! account? That’s like dropping trough and bending over by the TKTS booth in Times Square after winning an Emmy, and wondering why your loose lumpy pucker is in the top searches on Google five minutes later. There are email services designed for corporations, celebrities, and politicians with internet security P Diddy would cream himself over, and you went for a free account on a flailing disaster of a website that hosts the cream of the internet’s fuckwaddery on a forum called Yahoo! Answers? Seriously, go check that out. It’s astoundingly mind-numbing.

Example of actual questions on Yahoo! Answers. But no, give this guy the chair for cracking the code.

Alright, you made a mistake, and one that’s only semi-retarded: returning to the previous, super-eloquent example, you have to get your face and brown starfish in the same pic for there to be any proof that it’s you. But then you went on to make your security prompt public knowledge? That’s like bending over in Times Square and writing in Sharpie on one cheek, “Sperm deposits: $2″ with an arrow pointing to your back door. And on the other cheek, writing the disclaimer, “Sorry for the increase. They got this recession on.” And then bringing criminal charges against anyone who took the offer. Seriously, somebody turn her on her side before she swallows her tongue.

The thing is, you bend over every goddamned time you open your mouth, spouting complete ignorance about the issues you champion. Like this story from last week, when everyone seemed to let the whole hand-notes thing go, but you felt the need to throw another excuse out there, in case someone wasn’t satisfied with letting you get away with another verbal diarrhea gaff without having to answer for it:

“I didn’t really had a good answer, as so often — is me,” Palin quipped at an Ohio Right to Life fundraiser Friday.

Sorry, author of that news post, but that wasn’t a quip. A quip is a quick, witty statement that employs the use of context, joke, or at least a pun, to make a point. That was, instead, classic Palin: an idiot, meaningless quote with the coordination of a penguin with its pants on backwards (thanks Dani). The fact that she moved on to say that God wrote notes on his hand in Isaiah, so she was in good company just goes to show just how deep her dumbfuckery runs, and just who is backing it up.

Kernell’s attorney, Wade Davies, argues that his client’s actions warrant nothing more than a misdemeanor charge, and that the current severity of the charges is a clear result of Sarah Palin’s celebrity status.

Misdemeanor nothing! The judge should award Kernell a regular spot on FOX News and the governorship of Alaska for having such ridiculous charges levied against him. At least this guy, the son of a Tennessee state Rep. and an actual participant in the higher education system, would probably do a better job of it than she did. Dropping one elected office to run for the highest possible is like quitting your job at the fry-alator at Burger King to apply for the President’s job, and yet she’ll still get votes come 2012 because she has all the right polarizing words written on her hand. THAT’s the definition of unnecessary collateral damage: Some poor bastard gets steam rolled so the person Alan Grayson called a “Wild Alaskan Dingbat” can have a political career that will move America’s political system from Global Laughing Stock to Mentally Challenged Prison Bitch. From the reasonable sector of American society, Kernell, we are the epitome of sympathy, Broseph. Maybe take one for the team and strap some dynamite to your person on the day Palin testifies to save the rest of the innocents from the GOP’s well-used sock puppet.

(Why risk your child’s innocence on the dubious information in the world’s most popular reference volume when the only reference book he needs is already sitting on the shelf next to the wedding photo?)

The minutia and special interests involved in the sex-ed in public schools debate are myriad and complicated, especially because some people’s heads have been so crushed by their own colons they can’t see past their own polyps. But you’d think this Foucalt’s Pendulum of a debate would have found a position somewhere closer to middle ground than the evidence over the last couple of days seems to want to indicate. We seem stagnated at the opposite ends of  “don’t tell the nine-year-old he grew out of his mom’s carrot patch” and “don’t fuck the nine year old to show him what anal sex is like.” A couple of U.S. towns aren’t even ready to decide if condoms should be referred to as “contraceptives” or “receptacles for angels’ tears,” as evidenced by the following stories.

First we go to Texas (Jesus Taintlicking Christ, Texas of all places), where a woman named Shirley Price, who overcame physical disabilities now sits on the Hitchcock school board with a doctorate, was asked to give a motivational speech at a school about over coming odds or some ghey shit like that. Instead, she asked the principal to leave the room, and the kids got treated to this:

What was supposed to be a motivation speech to a collection of sixth- through eighth-grade girls at Crosby Middle School instead turned into an explicit sex talk, including descriptions on how to perform oral and anal sex, [and several curse words] Hitchcock school officials said.

First of all, what do you mean by curse words? I understand the… Galveston County Daily News is a publication of some merit, and wouldn’t want to taint its pages with naughty words, but you live in a state in which “intercourse” is a curse word, so I’m going to need a little clarification. Also, I think if you really thought about it, Ms. Price’s speech came from a very honest and helpful place. If college taught me anything, it’s that crippled chicks totally do anal, at first because they can’t get away, but eventually they begin to love human connection that isn’t from a 90 year old doctor’s rubber glove and they get attached to it. Especially when they realize that certain concessions are the only thing between anyone seeing the point in touching them and the oblivion of numb loneliness, a factor which becomes more important depending on how annoying being home schooled and taking your mom to “living room prom” has made her personality. So the service Shirley Price was providing to the children was letting them know that overcoming adversity and becoming a functioning member of society against all odds can often be expedited with a little Anal-Eaze. And there is definitely a sliding scale in these situations; the worse off they are the farther they’ll go. When I was in high school, Terry Schiavo came to do a motivational speech. She didn’t say much, but you could tell she wanted to teach us about donkey punching.

Students apparently were told to keep the contents of the speech secret, [Hitchcock Superintendent Mike] Bergman said.

Are you sure we’re not confusing the Price case with the People vs. Clown-Priest Handing Out Candy and Cigarettes From The Back of a Panel Van With Big Bird Painted On the Side? Nobody with half a brain thinks that abstinence-only sex-ed is the perfect way to go, but Price’s approach was certainly extreme, especially considering it wasn’t even supposed to be sex-ed. Probably, she is of the mind-set (the same I employ in my own life) that every day of her life is sex-ed day, and whoever wants to gather ’round the mound is welcome to benefit from her vast knowledge of things like how to properly perform a Jelly Donut. But Price’s real mistake here was not realizing that if you tell a room-full of kids not to tell their parents about something, at least one of them is going to be smart enough to do exactly that. It was a hard lesson, but I learned it early. Hey, bubba.

“There was no motivational speech at all,” Bergman said.

Says you. I can think of a few things I’m motivated to do right now. But the extreme nature of that case can only be matched by the sphincter stretching dick-lickery coming out of Southern California, who banned The Merriam-Webster Dictionary in its public schools for including the definition of “oral sex.”

Merriam Webster’s 10th edition, which has been used for the past few years in fourth and fifth grade classrooms (for children aged nine to 10) in Menifee Union school district, has been pulled from shelves over fears that the “sexually graphic” entry is “just not age appropriate”, according to the area’s local paper.

Damn! What was the definition of oral sex, “Noun: Kissing and licking a cock, cunt, or ass-hole for the purposes of giving pleasure, with the hope of receiving monetary compensation and a face full of white leak”? Or was it the example sentence, “Susie gave a different boy oral sex on the school bus every day, because collecting colored bracelets is so rad, and the best way to be popular”?

The dictionary’s online definition of the term is “oral stimulation of the genitals”.

Burn it! I can’t tell what is more offensive and less age appropriate, “genitals” or “stimulation.” Come spelling bee time, the class clown is going home with the gold star for that 4-syllable gem. Clearly the parents of these kids don’t remember what it was like to have the classmate in the school yard talking about the shit he found under his older brother’s bed, and not even having a rudimentary understanding of what was being said. It doesn’t make for a good time, I’ll tell you what. Apparently, “age appropriate” to them means when he’s fumbling around under his prom date’s dress to find the bra strap and ends up kneeing her in the face in an incredibly embarrassing and totally avoidable tugging accident.

“It’s hard to sit and read the dictionary, but we’ll be looking to find other things of a graphic nature,” district spokeswoman Betti Cadmus told the paper.

Good. While your wrinkly, bespectacled ass is pouring over a book that’s almost harder to get through than A Tale of Two Cities looking for dirty words like “penis”, the rest of us will be having oral sex. Isn’t there some Bingo you could be losing right now? Do your grand-kids have enough home-made cookies? Whatever, it will keep your swirling vagina sand out of other people’s eyes for a few days so I say go for it. The thing is already banned, what more damage can you do? Just do me a favor and try to keep something in mind as you turn each delicate page of that reference book: when you were a kid, what motivated you to really learn how you use the dictionary? My guess is “dick.”

A few years ago, I read that whoever wrote the gospels and put the “turn the other cheek” line in Christ’s mouth was not referring to pacifism, but to continuing to fight for your beliefs in the face of someone potentially kicking the shit out of you for fighting for them. In that regard, American Christians are showing all four cheeks in the fight to remove what little legitimacy this country can lay claim to in our wars in the Middle East, and on the government dime.

Coded references to New Testament Bible passages about Jesus Christ are inscribed on high-powered rifle sights provided to the U.S. military by a Michigan company, an ABC News investigation has found. The sights are used by U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and in the training of Iraqi and Afghan soldiers. The maker of the sights, Trijicon, has a $660 million multi-year contract to provide up to 800,000 sights to the Marine Corps, and additional contracts to provide sights to the U.S. Army.

If the sheer buffoonery of that quote didn’t hit you like a midget dropped from the Empire State Building, read it again. Armed forces, extensions of our government, are sending our boys into fundamentalist Islam psycho-town with wacky, state of the art murder machines that highlight the glory of Jesus; and not the jealous, Hebrew god that championed Joshua and his ilk. Jesus. These are New Testament, do-unto-others, love-thy-neighbor, son-of-almighty-god passages. Trying to outline every single problem this outrageous situation raises would be like trying to bruise every inch of a rhinoceros with a Japanese paper fan.

By all accounts, Trijicon are the scope fucking masters. You want a scope made for your military grade killing machine, these are your guys. In that regard, you’ll hear no complaints about my military getting the Tony Stark Special. If we’re going to be fighting these wars, let’s win expediently, try not to lose too many Americans, and sort out the war criminals after. But don’t you dare try to justify fighting these people because of their crazy, backwards, murderous religion. You gave that right up when the device you’re using to kill not only proclaims the goodness of a figure from another religion, but a figure who’s whole deal was peace. What exactly make us better than them, again? You’re walking a thin line with the morally dubious oil argument now, too, because Jesus doesn’t give two shits how you get your Hyundai around.

On a somehow smaller scale, this kind of thing puts the lives of our captured soldiers in even more jeopardy. And what are his captors supposed to think when they find this watery, diapery garbage on a U.S. soldier’s gun? Crusade, that’s what, and that’s not an exaggeration or overreaction. Government propaganda itself has told us for going on a decade that this is how these people think. The quote referenced on the sight in the above picture says, “For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” BLAM! You’re dead in the name of Jesus, which is now synonymous with apple pie, baseball, and… well, guns. Here’s another good one:

Other references include citations from the books of Revelation, Matthew and John dealing with Jesus as “the light of the world.” John 8:12, referred to on the gun sights as JN8:12, reads, “Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Everybody else can suck the business end of my holy gat. Come the fuck on! Who, in their right minds, would want to give nutjob jihadists any justification for saying they were shot at by Jesus rifles? Now that ABC has run the story, the military has denied knowledge of the existence of the verse headings on the guns. But reports from soldiers say their commanders have referred to the guns as “spiritually transformed firearm[s] of Jesus Christ.” So either the people who signed the $660 million contract didn’t inspect the merchandise, or they are trying to cover their pious, proselytizing asses because they damned well knew how wrong this was. Either of those scenarios are about as appealing as licking diarrhea off of the 11AM shift girl at the strip club.

Spokespeople for the U.S. Army and the Marine Corps both said their services were unaware of the biblical markings. They said officials were discussing what steps, if any, to take in the wake of the ABCNews.com report.

“If any” means they are biding their time because they think they are going to get away with it, as they have been for 23 years, buying the same branded merch from the same company. And they might again, judging by the comments under what should have been the most scandalizing story of 2010. The best ones are the ones like this:

“To me it is perfectly clear that all of the bits and pieces that led to the orders from that particular company proves that God Himself is interested enough to inspire the people who do the ordering to order from that company rather than some other equally well equipped to make the gun sites. So I say to the nay sayers, do not think for one minute that God does not want these particular gunsites to be used.”

Then there are plenty of people who are just all about killing and dying in the name of Christ, without apology or justification outside of quoting more scripture. New plan, no more proving the truth of scripture with more scripture. It is the epitome of ignorance. Then there’s the “this country was founded on Christian beliefs and religious freedom” crowd (which is crap, but whatever), whose arguments carry more weight on domestic issues where people aren’t getting their asses shot off and there has to be a unifying, nation-wide reason why.

Then, of course, there are the people that argue Trijicon is a private company and can do whatever they want under the first amendment, as if getting shot with a rifle the government bought is as much of a choice as eating at In-N-Out because those Jesus nuts make one tasty fucking burger. This thing isn’t even trending on Twitter, though Pat Robertson’s old fart comments enraged enough people to make the cut, not to mention Simon Cowell leaving American Idol. If we had our heads any farther up our asses we could paint a target on our own puckered rosebuds, because our hands would be the only parts of our top half in the sun.

This isn’t, as some have suggested, simply an atheist issue. It’s not even just an issue for the people of other faiths in this country that are represented by the soldiers deployed in the Middle East, or even the soldiers that subscribe to other faiths themselves. Sure, I have trouble with my country representing me overseas with poor taste and a religion I find ludicrous. But, where is the Christian outrage? Outside of creatively interpreted metaphors about light and darkness, when did Jesus ever promote violence? The guy was a hippy, for his sake. Do you not have a problem with the twisting of your savior’s words to nefarious ends? That’s not to mention that our international reputation is already as a nation of backwards, bible-thumping loonies (that’s British for crazy people). Listen, guys, we have finally found something we can agree on, let’s not fight over the semantics of why we don’t want the imprints on the sights, let’s do something about this (my letter to my representative is in the mail, for all the good it will do) before the situation gets even more out of hand than it already has.

(Yeah, not a lot of jokes. Still a little angry.)

California: Scumbag Style has tentative plans to hang at the Coachella Music Festival 2010, the lineup of which was announced today. A lot of exciting acts are up this year, like Passion Pit, Phoenix, the Specials, Grizzly Bear, Dirty Projectors, Camera Obscura, Spoon, The Dead Weather, MUTEMATH, Frightened Rabbit, Gary Numan, etc. For those of you who are coming to party with us, SBS is happy to provide a guide (pictured above) for what to do when the inconsequentials are onstage. Feel free to adapt the helpful suggestions to your own schedule; you never know when the desire to drink another beer will come around, and perhaps fucking in the Port-o-Potty seems more hygienic than the mud.

Haiti: As nations across the globe rush food, medical aid, and hookers over to naturally devastated Port Au Prince, Faith Comes By Hearing, a US based faith group is sending 600 solar powered audio bibles, with more on the way. Designed for “poor and illiterate people,” their website says, the bibles are “self-powered and can play the Bible in the jungle, desert or … even on the moon!” We send a lot of illiterate people to the moon. No longer will space monkeys have to endure the cold vacuum without knowing that Peleg begot Reu! Not for nothing, can we get a cost comparison analysis for how much these wonderful pieces of technology cost compared to rice? People are being buried by the dozerfull, I’m sure audio books are the way to go. One resident of Haiti’s capital, left homeless and with a broken leg after the catastrophe, said, “Can somebody begat a brother some Band-Aids?”

Space: There may be hope for our criminally under-funded space program yet! Scientists are postulating that Neptune and Uranus (when was the last time you had a good laugh at that name? High school? Go ahead, nobody’s looking) might have “oceans of liquid diamond… with chunks of solid diamond floating like icebergs.” If the impending doom of the species on Earth as warned by people like Stephen Hawking, or even the depletion of our natural resources, wasn’t enough to convince people that our space programs aren’t more important than ever, maybe a good healthy gold rush, and the chance to enslave some people to retrieve it, is what is called for to get these people off their asses. Fire up the engines, boys, Uranus is the new California. Imagine the hippy music festivals we’ll be able to have there!