I call this picture, "Nice Shirt"

I first encountered your work when a Catholic friend of mine pointed me toward an article in which you speak briefly about Christopher Hitchens, a great hero of mine who recently passed away. It was condescending as all get out, but it was chock full of underhanded compliments, and seemed to be relatively thoughtful. It is, of course, gratifying to see a great American champion of humanist ideals remembered fondly by members of the non-secular class, so I decided I might read some more of your work.

The first article I read was entitled “Six Myths About Atheism,” and I have to say, the title excited me, because I assumed you were a man of thought, and perhaps you’d be spending your time dispelling some of the myths that are propagated amongst the religious about non-believers. The article turned out to be the epitome of those very lies: a carelessly thought out bigoted bit of blatant propaganda, a brainwashing tool to keep the hate for atheists alive among the religious.

My first thought was of completely ignoring it. After all, ignorance abounds in your community, trying to change one mind in the sea of under-used brains you call a church leaves one feeling impotent and frustrated. As my beautiful wife put it, quoting someone else: “Never argue with an idiot. They´ll drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience.”

On the other hand, several of my friends and readers across Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, etc. expressed concern that I said that all of your points were entirely wrong, your research was ass-on-fire, and your intentions were entirely malicious, so I decided that I might address your points and show you why you’re an untalented, proselytizing asshole.  After all, even you said in your article that it is easy to be a quiet atheist. Allow me to loudly defend my position, retain my atheism, and serve your ass on a platter to my ravenous readers. (Seriously, friends, go read Tom Hoopes’ article first. I don’t want you to miss out on anything.)

Myth 1: Atheists are not more logical than believers, they’re just super scared of God so they hide from him.

I waited until the end of my writing to address this one, because while the other points you made are flat out wrong, this is downright insulting, and I needed my blood to cool to sound reasonable. Next to you, a syphilitic hyena would sound reasonable, but I do pride myself on sprinkling a small amount of wisdom over my usual string of fart jokes.

The "Nice Guy Lucifer" meme is super entertaining, helps my point along, and saves me from having to do more work after writing this long ass article.

Anyway, how exactly did you come to the conclusion that atheists are a’scared of God, so that’s why they say they don’t believe? Did you survey a hundred random atheists, and they admitted as much? Was there a study done in which minds were read? Forget for a second that this is the biggest load of crap I have read since I had to take a Jane Austin class in college. This argument is unmitigated hurtfulness. Survey says: you’re an insulting waste of air, your mere presence on the same planet as me disgusts me so much I want to puke blood. How’s that feel?

This is blatant, textbook propaganda. It’s like you read Mein Kampf to get tips on writing an essay about Jesus. Not a bad idea, He’s mentioned enough in that book.

Are you unaware of the wealth of “logical” writings available concerning why we don’t believe there is a god? Dawkins, Hitchens, Harris? Have you visited Youtube, Reddit’s r/atheism, Wikipedia? You can say what you like about our lack of faith, but don’t you dare suggest we did not logic this out. Based on available evidence, philosophy, science, and arguments, the vast majority of us have decided that there is no reason to assume a higher power.

You can’t (and don’t, stop lying) truly believe that people who consider themselves logical, reasonable thinkers would risk everlasting torture, not to mention our spiritual health on Earth, just because we were afraid. Even though, by all accounts, there shouldn’t be anything to be afraid of. Follow a few simple rules, don’t have buttsecks, try not to kill anyone unless it is in God’s name, accept Christ as your lord and savior, show up at Church, and BAM! Heaven. God’s not capricious; he is all knowing, all forgiving, all singing, all dancing. Trust me, we wouldn’t risk our everlasting souls just to hide from what amounts to some pretty simple spiritual chores.

You can take my word for it. I’m one of them. I go to the baby eating seminars every week. Imagine I never went to Church but felt comfortable in saying, “All Catholics take dumps in their children’s mouths. It’s part of their whole deal, really the reason to even be Catholic at all.” That’s you. That’s how you sound. Seriously, pick up one of our myriad books, and if it doesn’t burn your fingertips off, give a couple chapters a read. Whether or not it is true, there’s scores and scores of plain, old fashioned, Greek symposium style logic to be found.

As to whether atheists are more logical than believers? My first answer would be a resounding, “Hell yes.” However, I know plenty of incredibly smart believers (you should all follow Jim Rigby on The Facebook), and generalizing is more of a religious game. So I can’t really speak to that. But what I do know is that most atheists are more logical than you, sir.

What I can speak to is that, if I wanted to be a dick, I could mention that many believe that it is fear that makes people religious, despite their misgivings about the logistics of it. Fear of being wrong, fear of  everlasting torture and pain, fear of being stricken with malady or bad weather, what have you… That’s the great lie of religion, after all. Man made myths, monsters, and superstitions to keep the rabble in fear with supplicant hearts and open wallets while the religiously powerful reap the rewards. It’s been the same story since Judaeo-Christian monotheism came on the scene. If a medieval pope scares the shit out of some village and tell them their dead children will go to hell, they might just build him a new cathedral. If an evangelical preacher can trick a bunch of saps into believing the he has the power to exorcise demons, guess who’s getting a new Cadillac! Religion was invented for the sole purpose of making class warfare easy for the already powerful. It’s why the Republican party and Christianity go hand-in-hand. Keep the rabble in fear of the power of an almighty punisher, and they’ll strip the rights from women, gays, and darkies, and support bullshit wars against other theocracies that don’t believe in the same invisible friends, but do manage to have the same idiot laws and aggressive tendencies. This is all not to mention the plain fear of being wrong, so believing just n case. But I won’t mention that. I won’t call you a ‘fraidy cat and a supplicant pussy, because the first (and only) commandment of atheism is “don’t be a dick.” Try it some time.

By the way, I love how you casually threw in there that beauty, truth, and goodness are proxies of Christ. Man, how did anyone ever appreciate the world before 33 AD, huh?

Myth 2: The burden of proof is on atheists, and the house in the woods.

If I came up to you in a bar and said, “I can suck my own cock,” you’d be well within your rights to retort, “Bullshit, nobody can do that, prove it.” (Some lucky few can, but stick with me…) Would it be enough for you if I said, “Nope, you just have to believe me”? It would not even be enough to hear corroborating reports from some of the bar patrons who had seen my autofallatic powers at work, because a smart man would assume he is the brunt of a joke or a confidence scam.

That’s why anecdotal evidence isn’t worth the crap it’s made of. For instance, if someone said, “Steven prayed, and the disgusting boil on his nose went away.” Whether or not Steven cleared the Walmart out of Oxy pads is beside the point. You saw this, did you? Did the hand of Yahweh descend from the clouds with a cotton ball of divine isopropyl?  Did you monitor Steven’s boil 24 hours a day? In person or on CCTV? And anyway, why should I believe you?

And I swear to your god, if I hear the cabin in the woods argument one more time, I am going to go on a baby murdering spree that will make all the goddamned angels cry. All of them. I will go on a national tour of forcibly performed abortions, just me and some groupies and my rusty hanger, just to spite you. This is a bit of stupidity that cannot go unanswered, especially considering the tenaciousness of it. First of all, why are we making the assumption that complexity cannot be natural? There’s nothing to suggest it cannot be. In fact, much of the tampering of human “creators” has the sole purpose of simplifying things.

And yes, the cabin in the woods was built by people, dipshit. You’ll notice in your cabin, though, that perhaps a picture is slightly askew, or that a door needs a little WD-40 attention. That is the world we live in.

For all the universe’s complexities, perfection is not part of the scheme. Forget the universe, how about your own body? Your eyes have more redundancies than your feeble mind has learned to count. You have a tail bone left over from your not-so-distant ancestors. Do you even know where the appendix got its name? The god you believe in is supposed to be singular, omniscient, and omnipotent. If there is a creator, he was a cut-rate stoner with no sense of professionalism, or at any rate this was his first try or something. Forget for the moment that we KNOW where people came from, and I will concede that there may indeed be a creator. The universe we know could be a Petri dish in the lab of some more advanced being, or perhaps our DNA was spread to this planet by aliens, a la Star Trek. Still, is that any reason to assume divinity?

THIS is where burden of proof comes in. You’re welcome to believe there is a creator; I don’t, but you could make the argument. But if you’re going to start calling that creator(s) a god, a perfect ruler who has rules for us to live by and needs constant pandering to assuage the very human ego you’ve assigned him (a perfect being would not have such traits, by the way), and can read my thoughts and punish me for them, then you are going to have to come up with some evidence. Because all the evidence I see around me suggests the “cabin in the woods” we all share consists of pretty shoddy workmanship.

Not to belabor the point, but builders usually put their name or their seal on the cornerstone of their buildings. You could find that stone, and look up the guy in the phone book. That’s the kind of evidence we’re looking for here, the kind of proof it is absolutely your burden to shoulder. You say to me, “My invisible friend is real and he’s got super magic powers and can punish you for eternity for not being sorry you got laid in high school,” isn’t it incredibly silly to ask me to prove he isn’t or that he hasn’t or that he won’t?

(PS you didn’t come up with the already ridiculous Cabin in the Woods argument, so stop trying to take credit for it)

Myth 3: Atheists  believe science makes God obsolete, and the tuna casserole.

It is actually a myth that atheists even think that science makes God obsolete. Science doesn’t make the belief in a creator wrong per se, though it does offer the absolute necessity of faith a nice challenge. No, science makes religion absolutely obsolete, and has been doing so since the beginning of recorded history. How many times has your own Catholic church been forced, kicking and screaming like a petulant child, to change its purportedly flawless dogma based on new scientific evidence? Well, not new. By the time a religious institution gets around to changing their views, the rest of civilization considers it old hat.

Be that as it may, the very method of science makes a justified mockery of the institution of religion. Science is humble enough and intelligent enough to recognize that it does not yet, and may not ever, have all of the answers. It adjusts its views based on observable evidence. What it does not do is insert a convenient placeholder for the answers it does not have, and call it magic. There was a time that we thought thunder and lightning was the wrath of a god (some poor brainwashed people still do). Now we know differently, and similar shit has happened every day to refute one or another of the strictly static worldview your religion demands we all believe. There is no reason at all to suspect that will not continue to happen

Also, tuna noodle casserole? Put aside for the moment the fact that you just made your “cabin in the woods” argument again, tuna noodle casserole? Jesus, man. Were you just super hungry for the bland Christian food your poor wife has to serve you? Yes, the tuna casserole was created by a person, because there are clearly no such things as naturally occurring tuna casserole trees. However, the cooked fucking tuna doesn’t know that, but if it was curious, it could look outside and see the fucking cook. Evidence! Just because it is impossible for us right now to disprove a creator, however unlikely, does not make it “stupid” or “irrational” to demand a little evidence before we drop to our knees and live half a life on the off chance there is a “cook.” A cook who not only made our casserole, but gives a shit if the tunas fuck each other in the butt.

Myth 4: Atheists believe science alone is a reliable and sufficient guide for us, when in fact science is so dangerous we should probably do away with using it as a barometer altogether.

Nobody ever said science was infallible, or that it was a guide for us at all. You pulled that directly out of your clenched puckered calamari. Again, science and those who practice it recognize its fallibility. Sometimes a hypothesis (not a theory, they are very different) is disproven, and it is back to the drawing board. It will never, ever have every answer perfectly, it is a burden science can’t meet, and it doesn’t have to. That is science’s greatest virtue. It doesn’t make absolute claims until it is absolutely certain they are true, and they are provable 100% of the time in a test setting.  For some reason, however, religious institutions believe they are above this. They make claims that are often proven false or are entirely ludicrous, and stick by them no matter what. Which, then, is more intellectually honest?

Benedict said that some questions “cannot be answered within science itself.” This is false, science eventually gets around to providing sufficient explanations for everything. In his time, it may have seemed crazy to imagine that science would answer every question. In our time, it is crazy not to.

“What we need is a truth outside of science that can keep it in perspective,” you said. Tough titties, you don’t have one. Not yet. Inventing one won’t give you any truths outside of the ones you already thought you wanted. Also, isn’t “need” an incredibly strong term? Do we truly need any truths outside of the ones we are offered by our own intellects? On the surface, your statement seems reasonable, but really think about it and get back to me. For my money, I can stand to wait until those truths come to me.

If by “guide” you’re insinuating that religion offers some kind of efficient and correct moral code, well, that will have to be an entirely different article. But trust me, I will blow your mind with how entirely wrong you are.

Myth 5: Religion and science are not incompatible.

You’ve made this point twice in different words now, and I have answered you sufficiently, I believe. However, I would like to briefly touch on your point about Galileo. For all I know, you pulled a fast one and actually did your homework on this. Fine. But then the truth becomes that a vocal opponent of your church was imprisoned in his own house and made to fear for his life every day, simply because he thought your pope was an asshole. That’s not even a big stretch; most of your popes have been complete shithead criminals, including the current one. Galileo and thousands like him have been punished, physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, mortally, simply for denouncing the power of the Church and the truly ludicrous fairy tales and threats of hell that gave them that power in the first place.

Which leads us to your next point…

Myth 6: Religion has not led to violent intolerance, but atheism has, somehow.

This is one area in which your intellectual dishonesty shines through like a spotlight through cheese cloth.  Let’s start with your “research.” Holy Christ on a Honda, it’s no wonder you sound like an absolute dolt if you think linking to a book that doesn’t even concern the subject matter on fucking Amazon counts as research. I have no doubt you read that book, there are probably many pictures, but if you’ll notice in the big words on the front we literates call a title, it concerns Communism. Not atheism.

You’ll argue that Communism is atheism, and I will respond that I thought Communism was a system of government, not a religion. Communism does not necessarily denote atheism, though you’d be correct in assuming that it doesn’t hurt. I mean, the very concept flies in the face of dictators, real, imagined, or godly. That’s what God is, after all. As Hitchens put it, “a celestial North Korea.” He can convict you of thought crimes, send you to hell for eternity, has strict rules for you to live by, etc. etc. etc. in perpetuity. Come to think of it, Christianity isn’t exactly compatible with Democracy either, but that’s another rant altogether.

That was a bit of an aside. The point here is that the atrocities you mentioned, that were committed by Communist dictators, were not performed in the name of atheism. These were men, megalomaniacal psychopaths that created cults around themselves. This is a tough concept to grasp, so put the bubbles down and pay attention. These dictators made deities of themselves, and their subjects were their worshippers. And worship they did: with parades, marches, symbols, salutes, uniforms, new and strange customs. Sound familiar? If anything, these dictatorships were strident lessons on the dangers religion can embody. Left unchecked, as these were, and yours still is a little bit (we’re fixing that), cults of personality can lead to torture, imprisonment, and death for countless millions.

In any case, no one ever said, “I am sacking your city, putting your children to the sword, and raping your women in the name of non-belief.” There were other reasons for these tragedies, and the fact of their atheism has nothing to do with them being murderous pricks. Remember, there are good people and bad people, but it takes religion to make a good man do bad things.

In contrast, the innumerable atrocities committed by your Church alone were done in the name of your god. They were committed to appease Him, to forcibly draft innocent people into his service, to take revenge on those who took issue with you, or simply just to be dickish and have a decent excuse.

And did you just say the Inquisition wasn’t all that bad? Forgive me, but I want whatever it is you’re injecting directly into your eyeball. Wasn’t that bad? Compared to what? You have to be out of your fucking mind to be an apologist for the unspeakable horror your people inflicted on Europe at that time. Even if the death toll was lower than originally reported. Even if the genital torture was only slightly worse than a fetishist’s wet dream. Even if only one innocent woman was killed in the witch hunts, how do you live with yourself even attempting to justify it?

This is how history repeats itself – - nay, IS repeating itself as we speak, in America. All it takes is people like you justifying it, saying it wasn’t that bad. Fuck, let’s torture some Muslims because some of us still have bad dreams about 9/11. Let’s hang atheists by their testicles until they agree God is their rightful liege lord. It won’t be so bad. Only most of them will die, and the rest will at least pretend to be saved. Jesus fucking Christ, you sick bastard.

This is all not to mention the shit you’re forgetting. To name a few: the crusades, in which an estimated 900,000 – 3 million people perished (and in which even your people admit they were entirely in the wrong); the thousands dying of AIDS as you read this in Africa because your Pope has convinced them that God thinks condoms are bad, and ludicrously believes they would make the problem worse; the genocide of the indigents in Canada (check that one out, man, that is some brutal shit); the systematic, institutionalized, continued, condoned rape of children in churches across the globe (that doesn’t even require citation); the people dying needlessly every day in Mother Teresa’s death camps she called hospitals; the beating, imprisonment, and killing of people simply because they were born gay (that isn’t an opinion, it is science*); the countless starving poor who might have been fed, sheltered, and clothed had the Church not hoarded charity, alms, indulgences (they’re back!), and downright lootings for pointless shit like cathedrals and the nice golden throne your Pope rests his holy ass on.

I could go on about every single other organized religion, but you get the point. Since you decided to single us out as horrible people, I figured tagging you back was enough. How can you possibly believe “religion has led to violent intolerance” is a myth? You included that in a list of myths! Whatever planet you live on, where the first result of religion isn’t violent intolerance, I want to live there. I might even come by and sing a few songs with you. You ignorant bastard.

Catholics should be aware of the threats to faith posed by the resurgence of atheism, but we don’t need to be afraid of them. The Church has faced far fiercer and cleverer opponents for more than 2,000 years, and we’re still here to tell the tale. How are we able to come out ahead so consistently? That’s easy. It’s because there really is a God.

“Come out ahead”? I’m sorry, is this a game for you? Are we playing a game of spiritual hot potato? I thought we were looking for objective truth here, not trying to win a contest deciding who gets burned in hell forever.  And not for nothing, you aren’t coming out ahead, by a long shot, and you know it. That’s why you wrote this hateful piece of propaganda in the first place. Because you know, especially in the Catholic arena, church attendance is faltering, people are pissed off at the institution, you have to steal to stay in business, some are even becoming atheists because being touched in their naughty bits by a priest led them to investigate your Mickey Mouse organization more thoroughly. You need to fill as many people as you can with outright lies just to keep your numbers, and that is pretty friggin’ sad. As you said, the number of atheists is growing, and we will see who’s “fierce” and “cleverer” when we show the dismantling of the Vatican and the distribution of your hoarded wealth on basic fucking cable.

My dear minions, and readers who have stopped by and stuck around for the duration: If there is no other proof of how harmful and disastrous religion can be, then consider this: Tom Hoopes is a professor of journalism at a college. A college where people pay money to learn things and get degrees. He molds young minds, teaches them a craft, and all the while he isn’t qualified to cover a children’s birthday party. His research is shoddy, when he even bothers, and he is dishonest about his meager findings. His logic is not just suspect, it is entirely non-existent. To think he is worthy of even mentioning Hitchens in one of his journalistic abortions, let alone have the balls to mock him, is an outrage to one of our most important professions. How could he possibly have gotten this teaching job, and become a “writer in residence,” if not for the fact that he is adept at spouting the same spurious crap as his bosses? I’d like to be a writer in residence! I’m immenselt more qualified than this goon.

And who gets hurt? The kids that thought they were getting an education, not a crash course in how to make a mockery of their chosen profession. The parents that were lied to and told you can get a better education at a private Catholic institution, and so shelled out the extra dough, because God is perfect, but He. Needs. Your. Money. The honest people who are duped by the newly educated journalists when they get their first jobs at Fox News or some other Murdoch human embarrassment, because those are the only places that will hire a scion of Tom Hoopes. It’s abuse, and when you read a book or two and learn it is all lies, you too can be free of the psychological torture that theists like Hoopes see fit to inflict on us all.

*In the interest of fairness, I have linked here to several quotes with outgoing links from different sects of society. I will let you decide whether  the APA and PhDs carry more weight on the subject than the Mormons who reject science because it goes against their “plan of salvation.”

More “Good Guy Lucifer” here.

If going a whole month without running around town, talking shit about yur husband, let him go. At least HE won´t be a miserable twat for the rest of his life.

Nothing is better than a wife that hasn’t grown so crusty, jaded, and complacent in her marriage that she can’t take a few minutes out of her busy schege to do something for her husband. A surprise dinner, a homemade card, a drink and slipper greeting, an asshole bleaching; dudes dig that shit, and it’s nice to remind him he hasn’t bought permanently into the life of ball mangling, future sapping, constant drunkitude Leah Ramini makes marriage out to be. Unfortunately (for the women at least), the more uncreative amongst the fairer sex are often left with constant sore-jaw for lack of any better ideas as to how to show their appreciation. If only there was a way to do that without actually doing anything.

Enter Facebook, with a Group that firmly yanks our sacks out of the matrimonial Icy Hot with 31 ideas that allow a wife to indulge her narcissism and natural predilection toward condescension while pretending to do something sweet for her husband. Ladies, they’re all awesome, and they beat the bag out of giving that semi-annual “Relations With the Lights On” coupon he might actually grow the gumption to redeem one of these days.

It’s called “31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband,” and it is even more preachy and self-serving (in a good way) than the title suggests. Contained in this set of solipsistic psalms is all the problem externalization and imagined solution outsourcing any pious Christian wife could possibly ask to put off the inevitable messy divorce for one whole month. Here’s one of my favorites:

Day 1 – Lord, I pray that my husband will grow spiritually and consider his accountability before You. I pray that he will guard his heart by developing spiritual disciplines – Bible reading and study, prayer, meditation, scripture memorization, etc. (2 Peter 3:18; Prov. 4:23)

Fun! Nothing says matrimonial bliss like scripture memorization. Ooo! Maybe on a hard, splintery, wooden chair! But that’s not all! For the same price you get this popular classic.

Day 27 – I pray that my husband will understand the importance of taking care of his body – the temple of the Holy Spirit – for the glory of God. I pray that he will practice self-control by making wise food choices and get sufficient exercise to stay healthy. (Rom. 12:1-2; 1 Cor. 6:19-20, 9:27)

Gotta stay sexy for that hot hot fundie sex, and if Jesus has to be your personal trainer, so be it. Any potential flaw you could possibly imagine, any condescending rule of order you can winch onto your already strangled, sexually repressed relationship, “31 Days of Prayer for Your Husband” has an a la carte menu of haiku sized petitions to the almighty hypnotizer to suit all of your needs. Remember, you knew when you got into this marriage this guy couldn’t be trusted to bathe himself regularly. A time comes when you have to call in a third party to see to the big stuff. This one takes that lesson all the way home to mom:

Day 8 – Lord, I pray that my husband will work hard to provide for our family, to the best of his ability. I pray that the character qualities necessary for a successful career and ministry will be a growing part of his character – persistence, decisiveness, strength, an analytical mind, organizational skills, positive relationships with people, determination, etc. (Rom. 12:11; 1 Cor. 15:58)

Did you see that? “Etc.”! It´s like a letter to Santa! I´d really like a trike, a nina turtles dream house, a little brother, and you know, whatever else you can think of. Asking for things is tiring. Like thinking. Surprise me.

Day 7 – I pray that my husband will safeguard his heart against inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex. Lord, let his heart be pure and undivided in his commitment to me. (Prov. 6:23-24, 26; Rom 13:14)

This is getting a little insulting… Why exactly did you marry this dude if you thought there was the chance he was going to screw around. Where´s the trust, babe? You need to call in outside help to make sure I´m not boinking my secretary? Shit…

Day 10 – Lord, I pray my husband will cultivate strong integrity, and not compromise his convictions. I pray that his testimony will be genuine, that he will be honest in his business dealings, and will never do anything that he needs to hide from others. (Prov. 20:7; 1 Tim.1:5,3:7; Eph.6:10-12)

If you genuinely feel you can’t count on me to be a decent, upstanding man and a loving, caring husband, you better start praying I don’t throw you down the stairs. Or maybe you should have done your praying before you committed to marrying my sorry, deadbeat ass, and gotten yourself a good, happy Jesus slave. Better late than never though, right? Go for it. And while you have the J.C. on the horn, want to put in an order for a blond with nice tits and a generous policy concerning tush occupancy? You know, while we’re asking for improvements.

Day 20 – God, I pray that my husband will yield his mind and thoughts to the Lord. I pray that he will not entertain immoral or impure thoughts,and that he will resist the temptation to indulge in pornography.(Prov. 27:12; 2 Cor. 10:5

Are you noticing a trend here? Bonus, ladies. At the same time you are publicly – you created a fucking Facebook group about it, now – publicly taking credit for doing a good wifely deed, you are really praying for nobody but yourself. Might as well pray that a potpourri truck is snagged in your giant doily web out in the street, or whatever chicks wish for, because that shit is all you. This is as juvenile as those fourth grade girls that make those little notebook paper fortune tellers, and ask them if their future husband will be handsome, swarthy (pirate girl), or a doctor, or a Nick Carter. Not to mention exactly as reliable.

Kindly allow me to speak for my target male demographic for the moment. Ladies, if you feel the need to grant us this kind of favor, don’t bother. We deal with enough condescension and derision from the bulk of our daily lives, we don’t need it from you. We had every intention of keeping it in our pants and forking over the checks until we found out you didn’t think us capable. Now we want to screw around just to show you how useless your “prayers” for “us” are. So thanks, but we’d rather not be the victim of your spiritual masturbations. And if that doesn’t drive the point home, here’s my one day prayer for you:

“May my wife have the trust to know I´m not going to screw her sister, the decency not to talk shit about me to her imaginary friends, and the willingness to provide regular beejes because she appreciates me for who I am, not for who her sky wizard can make me. (Book of Eatmebitch 20:21)”

There you have it. There are far more productive things you can do on your knees. Oh, and while we’re on the subject of bitches cutting the shit, stop calling us “hubbies.” Squirmsville.

Uh, no, Tim. I´m over here. I kicked that field goal. Tim!

When Peyton Manning died, or was raped insensate by mutant squirrels, or whatever happened to him so that he couldn´t play anymore, I admit I felt a little lost. I wasn´t sure my NFL experience would be as full, as magical, as fulfilling as it was when I had a clearly defined antagonist. Someone to hate passionately, almost for no good reason except that it was fun to watch him fail. And he usually delivered. Manning was as key to my enjoyment of football as the Patriots ever were. Careful what you wish for, as your mom said before she bit my dick. Peyton is gone, and the void he left nigh unfillable – -

What´s that? The NFL has a special gift just for me? On Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning´s douche-pants actually look a little tight. Tim Tebow who plays like shit for three and half quarters, then happily divvies up the credit for a squeak-by win between himself and his fucking god. I mean, this guy is a real piece of canine fecal matter.

While he´s luxuriating on his knees on the side-lines, his team is busy cleaning up his mess and pulling out another against-the-odds win. He´d contribute more in that position as a team fluffer, letting his teammates write John 316 on his face in spunk. And when they lose, despite all the praying, what is the goddamned logic? If being right with god is supposed to work, why did New Orleans win that Super Bowl? (Don´t answer that, conspiracy nuts)

The game last Sunday against the Bears was won in overtime with

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

two field goals, and when the ball sailed over the goal post to win the game, what did Tebow do? Run over and hug the kicker? NO! He fucking pointed up to his sky buddy in appreciation. GOD HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT; ASSHOLE! MATT PRATER FRIGGING WON THAT GAME FOR YOU! In fact, Prater has won at least four of your games for you already this season. If God doesn´t give enough of a shit to do anything about genocide in Africa, or hurricane victims all over the goddamned world, he does not give two shits about whether the Broncos win. Still, infuriatingly, they keep doing just that.

And how does the media react? The Washington Post: Tim Tebow guides Broncos to 13-10 OT win over Bears, keeps Denver in playoff hunt.

Associated Press: Irresistible force Tebow pushes NFL around

LA Times: Tim Tebow pulls off his weekly miracle

It´s infuriating! It´s infuriating because it is incredible arrogance passed off as an extreme form of humilty. It´s infuriating because, during the games, they keep doing QB comparisons with genuinely legendary players as if he belongs in that caste. It´s infuriating because Tim Tebow genuinely sucks in a professional capacity. It´s infuriating because, against all laws of nature, he has a decent record. Which means he has a great team under his command, or there´s something to this cult nonsense afterall.

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

Tebow is famous for winning a Heisman and then interrupting our Superbowl  to remind us that, unfortunately, his mother failed to act on her instincts in time, and Tim was not aborted. Now we are forced to watch, week after week, hoping Tim Tebow gets his head knocked off his shoulders by an errant tackle. Or even better, a career ending knee shattering, so he can watch while someone with more talent and self-respect leads his team to the great season he can´t give them. “Where´s your god now, bitch?” I will happily exclaim.

This week was, for this fan, the perfect week in the NFL. God helps those who help themselves, and Brady, Welker, Gronkowski and the gang helped themselves to large piece of Tebow´s ass. Wins for

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

New England, Arizona, Detroit, Cincinatti, Miami (my mother-in-law is a fan, so a win for them is a win for me), and New Orleans. Losses for Baltimore (good for NE), Green Bay (!), both NY teams, and Pittsburgh. Amazing. But don´t think I won´t be vigilant for the rest of the season, sitting in my little gringo bar on Sundays, hoping beyond hope Tebow gets his ass seriously hurt. But deep down, I will be hoping he doesn´t, because after the initial gloating celebration, without the perfect antagonist, you might as well be watching football to masturbate at Tom Brady, and there´s nothing cool about that.