(Look deeply into the eye of your destruction, and be contented, for you have picked the perfect day to pick up a heroin habit.)

Bet you’re all excited it’s Friday, huh? Well, here’s another reason to make awesome mistakes this weekend as if it were your last. The Super Spiffy Bigass Hadron Collider (official name) has finished its year of repairs and is set to be activated this weekend! They tried to slip it by us, but we’re crafty when it comes to stuff to be equally geeked out on and paranoid about.

Boston.com reports, “Repairs are now completed, and the plan is to begin injecting protons into the LHC this weekend, on the path to search for particles such as predicted-yet-unobserved Higgs Boson.” The repairs were necessary, because last year, instead of finding new Trekkie wet-dream particles or creating a huge black hole that could potentially implode the earth (also a very real possibility), it broke itself. Specifically, some stoner electrician installed some faulty wiring that shattered 53 of its more than 9,000 monster magnets (a great name for a band) when it turned on. You’ll imagine the dissapointment of the mad-science community when the human race wasn’t consumed in a fiery apocalypse.

Seriously though, there’s nothing to worry about, because you won’t even know when it happens. Just make your peace with whatever creator you subscribe to in the couple of hours you have between work and the Autumnal Wet T-Shirt Contest at the Dizzy Lizard Saloon. Because if the world ends, it will end whether you’re sipping your Bud Light, wearing a stripper’s panties as a super hero mask, or sitting at home like a good boy playing with your grand kids.

(It is also a fact that they will steal your woman. Ask Tasha Yar [nerd reference], they’re programmed for cuckoldry too.)

You can start marinating yourself in A1 and pounding yourself with a meat mallet, because it turns out the paranoid nutbags who predicted a robot Holocaust were right. And the robots will be hungry. A recent foxnews.com article rather cavalierly states that:

“A Maryland company under contract to the Pentagon is working on a steam-powered robot that would fuel itself by gobbling up whatever organic material it can find — grass, wood, old furniture, even dead bodies.”

Hasn’t anyone in the Pentagon seen The Matrix? Why do we seem hell-bent on speeding toward the very dystopian future our most demented minds (science fiction writers) have been inventing for more than half a century?

Weeks ago, there was no reason to panic. Technology was our bitch, and we were slaves to it only in the sense that we felt lost without our Iphones if we left them on the charger all day. Now we’ve got robots that, in the absence of anything better to eat, and with an imperative to survive as strong as our own, will not hesitate to kill for sustenance. I guarantee you it will be easier for them to just consume us than construct a constly and entirely inefficient Kentucky Fried Chicken Factory. I also guarantee you that, if they don’t have tastebuds now, they will, and humans (who taste mostly like pork, don’t ask how I know) will be far more appetizing than “old furniture.” This is the most ludicrously bad idea I can imagine; one that puts us one stoner programmer mistake away from a Twighlight Zone proportioned “all u can eat buffet” ironic twist.

“It’s a good thing these Americans were so gluttonous in their heyday, Unit 407.”

“Yes, the fatty shanks make for a rich reduction.”

Submitted for your approval, Rod Serling: nom nom fucking nom.

And what happens when the Ed Wood nightmare culture we birthed into this world develops agriculture?

(I’m not a chef, but send me your corrections anyways. Also, as you can see, i ganked that first pic, from here. Don’t sue me don’t sue me don’t sue me.)

It has been announced Sarah Palin will appear on Oprah this month to promote her new book. This should be fun. In one room, the two most likely and least qualified candidates to be a female President of the United States in the next decade or so will meet. To circle each other all primal for an hour or so, sizing each other up, determining each other’s fertility to see who will become matriarch of the pack. Hyenas, that is what I’m calling them, just to be clear.

I imagine Oprah will curse the book with her stamp of approval, which guarantees Her name will be bigger than the author’s, and therefore more important to its production. Sure it will sell more copies, but only to the kind of person that watches Oprah and reads what She tells them. On the other hand, that is about the level of intelligence that takes Sarah Palin seriously, so maybe this is just one big excuse for unattractive middle aged women to gather in a Jonestown sized mob and masturbate each other. In other words, maybe it’s not news. If we’re lucky, Hillary Clinton will make an unscheduled appearance and do this:

Not for nothing, I feel this needs to be touched on. Sarah Palin’s particular brand of Christianity focuses, among other terrifying and stupid things like speaking in tongues, on dispensation: man’s dominance over the world and potential to end it. That is the end goal: end the world, so that true believers get themselves saved ASAP. They have very real ideas on how that might be accomplished, and those just happen to focus on the Middle East. As President, her religious convictions will demand that she use her considerable new power, not only to use up natural resources because the end is near and it does not matter, but to END THE FUCKING WORLD. It doesn’t matter if you believe her theology or not, your President is trying to end the world! When a President gets it in her head to do that, she will probably succeed. The best you can hope for is that she quits halfway through her commitment, because something better came along like dictator of the universe. At least there’s precedent for that. So, go ahead and endorse her book, Oprah. America, seriously, I don’t get political a lot, that is for smarter people. But if you elect her, buy them peanuts and Cracker Jacks, cuz you just bought a ticket to the greatest show on Earth.