(You can strap me into the elaborate torture chair from Monsters Inc, but you can’t keep me from shitting my pants!)

It is incredible how little I care about a bunch of old dudes telling me what movies I should think are good. For a while the world forgot other things were happening, outside of the annoyance of the documentary category the Academy insists on televising. We get it, Flipper genocide and Burma is last on the Girls Gone Wild sites of interest list. Both things we knew. In the meantime, we’re looking at some fabulous news here, folks; a popular myth is about to be dispelled, so strap yourselves in like a retarded toddler learning to go potty. Anne Harding over at the CNN reports:

Some women avoid drinking calorie-filled cocktails, wine, and beer because they’re worried about packing on the pounds. Now, a new study suggests that women who are moderate drinkers actually tend to gain less weight over time than teetotalers.

SCIENCE! What Mrs. Rutherford B. Hayes is trying to say is that booze is good for you, ladies, in copious amounts. You can trust it too, because a chick wrote it, albeit a time-traveling she-dictionary of prohibition-era colloquialisms. What she failed to mention is that a lot of leading doctors agree, but would caution that less, looser, or even no clothes at all ought to be worn during times of consumption, for the sake of unfettered breathing and continuous blood circulation…

IN MY PANTS!

The study also goes on to state that nobody likes a sober prude, and temperance is the leading cause of ugly friend, designated driver cock-blockery. Don’t be that girl. Get wasted and settle, for everyone’s sake. As if now is the time to start worrying about that pink camisole bulge of laziness you call feminism, you can be reassured that there are corroborating studies.

“Many other studies that are not nearly as well done or as large as this suggest that calories from alcohol are metabolized differently,” Ellison says. “The alcohol calories probably don’t count as much as calories from a Hershey’s bar.”

If that isn’t enough for your bulimic ass, wait until liquor comes out in pill form. The rest of you can stop pretending your vodka cranberry is good for you because the clear liquor offsets the horrifying amount of sugar and preservatives in the kind of cranberry “juice” that “tastes good.” That shit is nasty, and CNN just said you can move on to real actual liquor and still keep your lumpy girlish figure.

As a public service, Scumbag Style would like to remind you that the hooch can be a lubricant for one kind of weight gain: unwanted stomach parasites, affectionately known in the medical community as “babies.” An unassuming moniker for a hateful, body-shredding drain on resources and the reason everybody will hate you on Facebook. Seriously, we were responsible enough to not knock you up. Go tell the jizz donor; you’ll find him in the bedroom crying because you made him sell his Xbox.

Although recovering alcoholics and people with uncontrolled epilepsy shouldn’t drink [unless they are really dedicated to physical comedy], Ellison says, moderate alcohol consumption can have health benefits for people middle-aged and older, especially when it comes to heart health and stroke risk.

Also, a couple more drinks will benefit those that find improvised peeing just fucking adorable.

Hee hee. I have like a couple hundred of these on my hard drive. Kittens tottering around on gimpy legs with Cool Whip on their whiskers couldn’t be more adorable than a chick with no choice but to squat in places unintended for their urination needs.

Here’s one more bit of motivation from Johnnie Walker.