I am a fucking miracle MACHINE

This here´s the Jesus Toaster, which we think is… just great. For the pittance of 35 smackers, you too can experience the miracle of His Divine Presence in foodstuffs normally reserved for the unwashed ignorants of Central and South America´s poorer countries. Every morning! Because in no way does the ability to recreate, at will, what used to be priceless manifestations of God´s love cheapen the experience. For you bulemics, the Tim Tebow version is set to be released soon, so you won´t even have to shove a finger down your throat to stay thin and toothless all year ´round. (Christian Post)

Tenesseehas responded to teen bullying suicides by introducing a bill that would make it alright for

Gosh, thanks you guys. I´m the son of God and I need thugs beating on the girly boys for me. That makes me look great.

school children to harass homosexuals, as long as they do it for Jesus. Kind of like a birthday present for the guy who literally has everything. The idea is that not being able to call a homosexual peer a faggot in school, or tell him he´s going to hell, is an infringement on the Christian student´s first amendment rights. This is another thing Scumbag Style can throw our whole weights behind. Cast those first stones, friends, because, on religious grounds, I think you´re a hopeless pile of elephant dooks whose ignorance is poisoning the very gene pool we all have to swim in, and if you were forcefully sterilized, the Earth itself would benefit, not to mention my invisible best friend who hates you inherently. Also, you have cooties. And I will say this in front of everyone you have to spend 12 miserable years of your life with. Then we´ll see who´s shooting up with his mom´s Windex and writing a wimpy tear-stained letter. (SMV Nashville)

After last night´s frankly stunning performance by Denver franchiser and enemy of all things wholesome Tim Tebow, in which he actually did quarterbacky things, I got the following message in the Bitch Box: “Atheist, how does it feel knowing Tim Tebow won 29-23 in overtime? Does it make you realize how dumb you are? – Voted4BushTWICE” I have to say, you got me, friend. Tebow prayed a bit, and won a game. You voted for Bush twice, and I am indeed the dumb one. I mean, you could make the point that Tebow is bound to win once in a while. God aside, would Denver have made him their franchise quarterback if he wasn´t going to win a few? Do you know how many millions of dollars rest on the successes and failures of an NFL franchise? Trust me, people talk a good game about God, but ask a millionaire how many times he left his finances in the hands of prayer. Also, did the Broncos win in overtime, or did Tebow walk out there alone? Still, I guess it is not so ridiculous to think God had something to do with a moderately talented quarterback having a few lucky throws.

Like Dear Abby, but hate mail is actually encouraged here.

But Voted4BushTWICE (congrats for making it past age 22 with your handicap), I must then ask you, is that how God wins? In overtime? Barely squeaking by against an objectively immoral rapist quarterback with a wrenched ankle? Whilst ignoring hunger, famine, disease, and suffering around the world? How great is your God that he had to put all of his effort into winning one playoff game, against a team that frankly didn´t bring their A-game? Question answered. I do hope you are willing to answer my question concerning your feelings next week when my Pats kick the living shit out of Denver for the second time this year. Tom Brady is greater than God.

The inerrant, unquestionable, and perfect word of God has been “clarified” in the 2011 edition of the NIV (New International Version of the Bible, which isn´t really all that international, being written by and for your average southern American darky hater). It seems the 1984 version wasn´t nearly clear enough on just what an abomination you can make of yourself in the sack. Douglas J Moo (tee hee), who chairs the committee that dares fuck with the Big Guy´s original edicts, said it was necessary to mess with many of the big ones, including Corinthians, Romans, and Leviticus. It was necessary because it apparently isn´t clear that the “homosexual sins” and “perversions” referred to by Bronze Age egg heads means “dudes doing each other in the butt.” For it is icky unto His sight.

The updated NIV reflects the fact that the key Greek word here refers to males.

It is of amazing comfort to this observer that, no matter how the hate mill turns in our great society, we can all agree that two chicks getting it on is pleasing on a natural and supernatural level. Make with the gamahuche ladies, you just got your deific endorsement. (Christian Post)

Uh, no, Tim. I´m over here. I kicked that field goal. Tim!

When Peyton Manning died, or was raped insensate by mutant squirrels, or whatever happened to him so that he couldn´t play anymore, I admit I felt a little lost. I wasn´t sure my NFL experience would be as full, as magical, as fulfilling as it was when I had a clearly defined antagonist. Someone to hate passionately, almost for no good reason except that it was fun to watch him fail. And he usually delivered. Manning was as key to my enjoyment of football as the Patriots ever were. Careful what you wish for, as your mom said before she bit my dick. Peyton is gone, and the void he left nigh unfillable – -

What´s that? The NFL has a special gift just for me? On Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning´s douche-pants actually look a little tight. Tim Tebow who plays like shit for three and half quarters, then happily divvies up the credit for a squeak-by win between himself and his fucking god. I mean, this guy is a real piece of canine fecal matter.

While he´s luxuriating on his knees on the side-lines, his team is busy cleaning up his mess and pulling out another against-the-odds win. He´d contribute more in that position as a team fluffer, letting his teammates write John 316 on his face in spunk. And when they lose, despite all the praying, what is the goddamned logic? If being right with god is supposed to work, why did New Orleans win that Super Bowl? (Don´t answer that, conspiracy nuts)

The game last Sunday against the Bears was won in overtime with

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

two field goals, and when the ball sailed over the goal post to win the game, what did Tebow do? Run over and hug the kicker? NO! He fucking pointed up to his sky buddy in appreciation. GOD HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT; ASSHOLE! MATT PRATER FRIGGING WON THAT GAME FOR YOU! In fact, Prater has won at least four of your games for you already this season. If God doesn´t give enough of a shit to do anything about genocide in Africa, or hurricane victims all over the goddamned world, he does not give two shits about whether the Broncos win. Still, infuriatingly, they keep doing just that.

And how does the media react? The Washington Post: Tim Tebow guides Broncos to 13-10 OT win over Bears, keeps Denver in playoff hunt.

Associated Press: Irresistible force Tebow pushes NFL around

LA Times: Tim Tebow pulls off his weekly miracle

It´s infuriating! It´s infuriating because it is incredible arrogance passed off as an extreme form of humilty. It´s infuriating because, during the games, they keep doing QB comparisons with genuinely legendary players as if he belongs in that caste. It´s infuriating because Tim Tebow genuinely sucks in a professional capacity. It´s infuriating because, against all laws of nature, he has a decent record. Which means he has a great team under his command, or there´s something to this cult nonsense afterall.

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

Tebow is famous for winning a Heisman and then interrupting our Superbowl  to remind us that, unfortunately, his mother failed to act on her instincts in time, and Tim was not aborted. Now we are forced to watch, week after week, hoping Tim Tebow gets his head knocked off his shoulders by an errant tackle. Or even better, a career ending knee shattering, so he can watch while someone with more talent and self-respect leads his team to the great season he can´t give them. “Where´s your god now, bitch?” I will happily exclaim.

This week was, for this fan, the perfect week in the NFL. God helps those who help themselves, and Brady, Welker, Gronkowski and the gang helped themselves to large piece of Tebow´s ass. Wins for

"Thank you God, for helping the Broncos beat the Bears!"

New England, Arizona, Detroit, Cincinatti, Miami (my mother-in-law is a fan, so a win for them is a win for me), and New Orleans. Losses for Baltimore (good for NE), Green Bay (!), both NY teams, and Pittsburgh. Amazing. But don´t think I won´t be vigilant for the rest of the season, sitting in my little gringo bar on Sundays, hoping beyond hope Tebow gets his ass seriously hurt. But deep down, I will be hoping he doesn´t, because after the initial gloating celebration, without the perfect antagonist, you might as well be watching football to masturbate at Tom Brady, and there´s nothing cool about that.

Above, irrefutable evidence that people actually watch Tyler Perry.

People don’t watch Tyler Perry’s brand of chocolate milk-and-water bunkum, you say. Studios just keep producing his “films” and television programs because Perry keeps laying out scripts, they’re cheap to make, and nobody watches TBS before 11PM (or after 12, unless they want Lopez to not-funny them to sleep). They produce them because there’s this vague idea that’s captured our cultural subconscious that it is somehow racist not to, you say. At least its not “One On One” or “Homeboys In Outerspace,” or whatever that hysterically racist program was called. Black people don’t go into space, dude, for the same reason they don’t jump out of planes. They’re too smart to do that shit. You ever see a black family on a roller coaster? They’re freaking the fuck out because they are far more aware of their mortality than peroxide-haired thrill seekers.

Anyway, you’d be wrong. About people not watching Tyler Perry. Black people actually eat that shit up, like its made entirely of deep womb orgasms and Maury Povich baby daddy reveals. As Samuel Chapman, third of his aristocratic name, attempts to point out above, this is without question entertainment not made for my pale ass. Black people feel a need to support things made just for them, and I get that. It’s why they unflappably support Obama, no matter how he personally screws the city they are living in, and puts their individual jobs in danger. On the surface, it is a solidarity thing.

On the other hand, I do speak English, and I do follow the more interesting aspects of black culture, and I am definitely positive Tyler Perry is not funny. Most of it is retreads of relationship bullshit that was covered in mainstream, non-race biased media thirty years ago, and wasn’t even really comedically relevant then. Look at the title of one of Perry’s more successful franchises: Why Did I Get Married? Yes, you’ve identified the underlying conflict of 4,859 films since they invented talkies. What makes me want to watch your “unhappily married until I learn a lesson” movie over any other? That’s rhetorical, you and I both know there’s no reason. The sequel was called Why Did I Get Married, Too. ‘Nuff said.

Mrs. Doubtfire is absolutely the last time a grown man was able to dress as an old woman and get a single laugh from the discerning connoisseur of drollery; not because Robin Williams is white (though his being funnier than Martin Lawrence and Perry didn’t hurt), but because its done! It’s over. Frankly, you don’t get to do drag after Monty Python and Kids In The Hall and Whitest Kids U Know (I swear that’s a coincidence) unless it is a kids’ movie, because you will undoubtedly fail. I’ll bet you real money Tyler Perry knew that before he put on the rubber tits. Which brings me to my point…

But is it really a solidarity thing? Or are black people being sold repackaged separate-but-equal. I mean, we’ve objectively proven Tyler Perry isn’t funny (as if we had to). And it is not like Black Culture is hurting for representation in the mainstream. Hip-Hop is (deservedly) the most popular genre of music in the Western World. I don’t know a single person that isn’t looking forward to Bad Boys III. Hell, black people have Republicans. Republicans! Racism ain’t dead, we all need to realize that, but we’ve also seen black people can give it (and here and here*) as well as they get it. And keeping that in mind, is there need to show solidarity with, or spend all your money on, something distinctly of “your” race to the exclusion of objectively better media? Tyler Perry is the way to fight racism like the Easy Deep Fry Oven is the holiday gift sensation to stop childhood obesity.

What it really is, friends, is a way to make money off of something we as an integrated group decided was toxic two or three generations ago. Trust me, as tempting as it would be, white folks wouldn’t drink from a different water fountain simply because it was in the shape of the Starship Enterprise or Christopher Guest’s dick or whatever. Even if it promised to spout a microbrew or single malt scotch. Because it’s just wrong.

*For the record, Scumbag Style’s official stance has always been that white people are indeed the problem with the world. We’d just like to not be exterminated, please. Maybe a nice camp, or a tasteful chalet where we might grow things and share them with you.

The real victim: Out-of-work PBS star and friend to the United Nations of childhood chummery, not even consulted!

Forever ago, to the point where most of us wonder how the American attention span is clinging to this overplayed bullshit, Carrie Prejean lost her Miss California  crown, apparently because the judges had a change of heart when they couldn’t reconcile her marriage-protection morality with her brand of honesty, which allows her to win a beauty pageant with pilferred fake tits. Most of us thought about how this was happening in just one state we didn’t even live in, concerning a pageant nobody pays attention to anymore, and demanded a book be written on the subject.

Radar Online reports here that “Prejean has written a book about being de-crowned as Miss California. Still Standing: The Untold Story Against Hate, Gossip and Political Attacks will hit bookstores on November 9. Carrie’s publisher tells RadarOnline.com that she wrote the book herself, and did not use a ghostwriter.” A book by a beauty pageant contestant is exactly what I want my Kindle stocked with, considering how stressful my life can be. Yes, librarian, I’ll have a bunch of four word sentences, and plenty of pictures, please.  The mangled, embarassingly long title speaks volumes about what’s inside. I can think of no better use for trees, especially in California where they have so many they have to burn most of them. It’s rumored the audio book will be read by Dr. Paris Hilton.