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- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: Compromise Is A Four Letter Word http://t.co/V5KNn11L 5 hours ago
- Me Meme. Memememe. ME! OH MY GOD LOOK AT ME! http://t.co/Gfb4znY7 2 days ago
- Family dynamics in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles http://t.co/LI9LglV8 2 days ago
- the last time you read this, you were drunk:: Illuminti Freshness, Santic Bitches http://t.co/HerydZKD 4 days ago
- RT @XoXo_Carrie: #FF @nikkacostia @Alabama_Shakes @BabyBash @mechrt @SwiftStump @scumbagstyle @barelysarcasm 5 days ago
Tag Archives: american
What Did You Do With Your Day?
A blind activist was arrested in China, apparently because his guide dog is a dick and led the poor bastard to believe he had been led almost anywhere other than China. You think protesting in Iran is tough, check this out: you can be arrested in China for even petitioning the government. The guy had two choices. He could accept his position and hang out sewing Jordans for American kids during the day, and cap it off with a twelve hour shift of mining gold in Warcraft. OR, he could evade a bunch of 24/7 guards, scale a fucking wall, and hitch a ride to Beijing to get some sweet sweet asylum in the American embassy, single-handedly making Hilary Clinton’s life a million times more difficult than it already was, being a woman and all. Oh, yeah, and this one man pissed off the Chinese government so much he got a buttload of words banned from Chinese internet – – words like, I shit you not, ‘blind man’ and ‘The Shawshank Redemption.’ The guy is a super-hero. Which begs the question, how bad must sighted prisoners all over the world feel that a blind guy was able to do what literally 99.5% of them are unable to accomplish? I mean, what is it about our prisoners that is keeping them from getting out of what is arguably the worst situation anyone can possibly be in? Oh. I guess if they focused some of the attention they devote to having sex with each other to the pursuit of freedom, they might be able to do almost as much as one blind Chinese guy. But hey, if you care more about non-consensual gay sex than freedom…
Afternoon Quickies: You Got Yer Jesus In My Peanut Butter Edition
… peanut butter meaning, of course, politics, football, and bananas. This here´s the Jesus Toaster, which we think is… just great. For the pittance of 35 smackers, you too can experience the miracle of His Divine Presence in foodstuffs normally reserved for the unwashed ignorants of Central and South America´s poorer countries. Every morning! Because in no way does the ability to recreate, at will, what used to be priceless manifestations of God´s love cheapen the experience. For you bulemics, the Tim Tebow version is set to be released soon, so you won´t even have to shove a finger down your throat to stay thin and toothless all year ´round. (Christian Post) Tenesseehas responded to teen bullying suicides by introducing a bill that would make it alright for school children to harass homosexuals, as long as they do it for Jesus. Kind of like a birthday present for the guy who literally has everything. The idea is that not being able to call a homosexual peer a faggot in school, or tell him he´s going to hell, is an infringement on the Christian student´s first amendment rights. This is another thing Scumbag Style can throw our whole weights behind. Cast those first stones, friends, because, on religious grounds, I think you´re a hopeless pile of elephant dooks whose ignorance is poisoning the very gene pool we all have to swim in, and if you were forcefully sterilized, the Earth itself would benefit, not to mention my invisible best friend who hates you inherently. Also, you have cooties. And I will say this in front of everyone you have to spend 12 miserable years of your life with. Then we´ll see who´s shooting up with his mom´s Windex and writing a wimpy tear-stained letter. (SMV Nashville) After last night´s frankly stunning … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Hate Never Felt So Good
(Keep in mind, I abegan writing this article before the outrageously amazing game on Sunday in which the Patriots schooled Tim Tebow and Christ Hisself. The shitty part is, Tebow actually showed up to play this week, like he hasn´t since I´ve been paying attention. The article still holds true, but feel free to add a heavy undertone of smug, poor-winnerishness to the voice you have in your head while reading this. Or get Chris Daughtry to read it aloud to you in bed. He must be out of work by now.) When Peyton Manning died, or was raped insensate by mutant squirrels, or whatever happened to him so that he couldn´t play anymore, I admit I felt a little lost. I wasn´t sure my NFL experience would be as full, as magical, as fulfilling as it was when I had a clearly defined antagonist. Someone to hate passionately, almost for no good reason except that it was fun to watch him fail. And he usually delivered. Manning was as key to my enjoyment of football as the Patriots ever were. Careful what you wish for, as your mom said before she bit my dick. Peyton is gone, and the void he left nigh unfillable – – What´s that? The NFL has a special gift just for me? On Tim Tebow, Peyton Manning´s douche-pants actually look a little tight. Tim Tebow who plays like shit for three and half quarters, then happily divvies up the credit for a squeak-by win between himself and his fucking god. I mean, this guy is a real piece of canine fecal matter. While he´s luxuriating on his knees on the side-lines, his team is busy cleaning up his mess and pulling out another against-the-odds win. He´d contribute more in that position as a team … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Tyler Perry Is Tearing Us Apart!
People don’t watch Tyler Perry’s brand of chocolate milk-and-water bunkum, you say. Studios just keep producing his “films” and television programs because Perry keeps laying out scripts, they’re cheap to make, and nobody watches TBS before 11PM (or after 12, unless they want Lopez to not-funny them to sleep). They produce them because there’s this vague idea that’s captured our cultural subconscious that it is somehow racist not to, you say. At least its not “One On One” or “Homeboys In Outerspace,” or whatever that hysterically racist program was called. Black people don’t go into space, dude, for the same reason they don’t jump out of planes. They’re too smart to do that shit. You ever see a black family on a roller coaster? They’re freaking the fuck out because they are far more aware of their mortality than peroxide-haired thrill seekers. Anyway, you’d be wrong. About people not watching Tyler Perry. Black people actually eat that shit up, like its made entirely of deep womb orgasms and Maury Povich baby daddy reveals. As Samuel Chapman, third of his aristocratic name, attempts to point out above, this is without question entertainment not made for my pale ass. Black people feel a need to support things made just for them, and I get that. It’s why they unflappably support Obama, no matter how he personally screws the city they are living in, and puts their individual jobs in danger. On the surface, it is a solidarity thing. On the other hand, I do speak English, and I do follow the more interesting aspects of black culture, and I am definitely positive Tyler Perry is not funny. Most of it is retreads of relationship bullshit that was covered in mainstream, non-race biased media thirty years ago, and wasn’t even really comedically relevant … Finish reading this sumbitch!
Carrie Prejean’s Stranglehold on Minor Celebrity
Forever ago, to the point where most of us wonder how the American attention span is clinging to this overplayed bullshit, Carrie Prejean lost her Miss California crown, apparently because the judges had a change of heart when they couldn’t reconcile her marriage-protection morality with her brand of honesty, which allows her to win a beauty pageant with pilferred fake tits. Most of us thought about how this was happening in just one state we didn’t even live in, concerning a pageant nobody pays attention to anymore, and demanded a book be written on the subject. Radar Online reports here that “Prejean has written a book about being de-crowned as Miss California. Still Standing: The Untold Story Against Hate, Gossip and Political Attacks will hit bookstores on November 9. Carrie’s publisher tells RadarOnline.com that she wrote the book herself, and did not use a ghostwriter.” A book by a beauty pageant contestant is exactly what I want my Kindle stocked with, considering how stressful my life can be. Yes, librarian, I’ll have a bunch of four word sentences, and plenty of pictures, please. The mangled, embarassingly long title speaks volumes about what’s inside. I can think of no better use for trees, especially in California where they have so many they have to burn most of them. It’s rumored the audio book will be read by Dr. Paris Hilton.