(Science never had a chance…)

There are some in the right wing media suggesting the recent rash of Christian killings is a blatant attack on the United States itself (I saw it on like Megyn Kelly or something, and it looks like Geraldo will be filtering it through his mustache tonight). The idea here is that America is a Christian nation, and that killing Christians in the Middle East is some kind of retaliatory gesture for our sticking our fingers in their crazy cake for the past decade or so. That is so ridiculous, so maddeningly, infuriatingly bass-ackwards that… it has to be true. I just wish there were some way it could have been avoided…

“Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law…”

Shut up Jefferson, you were a Christian because we say so. It’s the only story that fits our red pen marks on history, and we’ll not have you reaching your rotting, French manicured hand out from beyond the grave to fuck with that. Bitch.

Seriously, though, that is a seriously salient argument. Coming from the same channel that skipped third grade science and doesn’t know how the tides work, that display of mental prowess is nothing short of Herculean. Now follow that line of logic through, you guys. You can do it, I believe in you. If killing Christians in the Middle East is an attack on the Christian U.S… and your pet politicians keep insisting that America is indeed a Christian nation… come on, you can do it… even though a founding principal of the nation involves a clear directive to keep separate Church and State… supported by supplemental documents from nearly all of the founding fathers… the way this issue could be completely avoided is – – wait wait, come back! Damn your ADD! Stop being distracted by the Egyptian riots, you bastards.

Ugh. Not a good time, Egyptians. You went and distracted O’Reilly. Fine…

But anyways, that was pretty scary how they almost used their brains, right? Isolated incident, you say. Nothing to worry about. Tomorrow they’ll go back to sticking forks in light sockets and licking the undercarriages of cars, you say. Wrong! Stay scared! Watch this:

Holy shitskees, another Christian with a well thought out argument. I mean, I hate him and all, but… I think he has a chance of being right. The jury is still out, what with the disgusting, culture rotting nature of the companies involved. But he’s right about one thing. The Global Disaster Theme Park (can you imagine if that were done right? I would buy stock like Miley Cyrus buys pregnancy tests) is going to provide jobs and income to Kentucky. Providing they don’t use the money to arm their Confederates with lasers, I’d call that a good move. And the project fits the criteria of the state’s tourism stimulus, so really they just found a loophole where lawmakers forgot to put a “No wackos” clause. That’s if the study they paid for comes out in their favor. Fingers crossed!

They’re basically using welfare to build this abomination, which is fine, but it must be kind of embarrassing for them. Tell you what. You can have your multi-million dollar indoctrination center poorly costumed as a place normal people go to have fun, just so long as you admit to being socialist. I just want to hear it once. Wait, hold on, let me get my lotion. O – – OK, go.

PS. Click on the pic of Jefferson for a full list of quotes concerning just how much he detested Christianity. It’s basically a laundry list of shut-the-fuck-up to the cable news of two and half centuries later. Almost like he saw it coming. Huh.